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𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜

@unfitz.bsky.social
23K followers 3.1K following 14K posts

Fugitive warlord. Indicted crypto kingpin. Disgraced former intern. Artisan cheesemonger. He/him/his Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmop…

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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Braden Serkas @portmanteauface.bsky.social · 4h
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · 3h
when there were only one set of footprints in the sand, my child, that is when i was showing you how i could dunk from the free throw line
06310
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
It's Abby. Yep @itsabbyyep.bsky.social · 4h
I'm special. Like that song you put on your playlist and skip every single time it comes up
59721
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Braden Serkas @portmanteauface.bsky.social · 3h
I think it’s ridiculous that the HOA is insisting I take down the giant skeleton I put up in my front yard just because it “came from a bull elk” and “still has meat on it”
711325
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 3h
Gorilla Glue just sounds like a name they came up with to calm down the horses.
58723
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Christina, mother of spiders @aikiwomannc.bsky.social · 3h
Gandalf: How can you not care? Middle-earth is depending on on you to complete this quest! Me: Seriously? Have you heard the sounds I make just standing up? Go ask that Baggins guy. I think you can talk him into it.
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Dumb Beezie @dumbbeezie.bsky.social · 16h
Someone called me hostile in my candle making group. That’s why I’m here, bitch
39821
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Jake_Vig @jakevig.bsky.social · 4h
I have never washed a pair of jeans. I assume they clean themselves, like ovens or cats.
59922
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Frovo @frovo.bsky.social · 20h
DRIVE THRU: may i take your order ERIC SCHMITT: yeah i’ll have a cheesy gordita and nachos bell grande DRIVE THRU: sir this is a wendy’s
613622
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Braden Serkas @portmanteauface.bsky.social · 6h
Adrien Brody walks into a bar and the horse asks “why the long face”
33512
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
SeaTea @tierno158.bsky.social · 4h
One of my silliest traits is thinking that reason will prevail at some point.
1183
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Skinnie Talls @skinnietalls.bsky.social · 4h
I have the feeling that some of these people are impervious to our charms
45226
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
mean things I say to myself @meantomyself.bsky.social · 10h
It's wild when people side eye the hairless cat, Burger, in my office. Yeah a therapist cat works here, keep up people act like you know what's up
1297
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
cap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname.bsky.social · 4h
Careful, the plate is hot. And the fork. Actually I microwaved all the dinnerware for 25 minutes.
36123
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
🧩 @holojester.bsky.social · 4h
*tongues you silverly*
0163
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
alexis simpson @amutepiggy.bsky.social · 4h
the social media ideal is firing off three to five borderline nonsense posts before closing the app and taking a 2 hour nap
810526
𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 @unfitz.bsky.social · 3h
[at my autopsy; a forensic pathologist speaks into a recording device in a puzzled tone] “I’ve never seen so many apple stickers inside of someone”
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
minkitypinkity ❤️ @minkitypinkity.bsky.social · 13/03/2024
I don’t care what the question is, the answer is potato
44817
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
🧩 @holojester.bsky.social · 4h
why the short face?
4344
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
kattsdogma.bsky.social @kattsdogma.bsky.social · 4h
websites for… butts & garbage: OnlyCans fogerty & quayle: OnlyDans sneakers & trucks: OnlyVans solo & christian andersen: OnlyHans peter & cooking utensils: OnlyPans laurel & lee: OnlyStans drescher & lebowitz: OnlyFrans master & best laid: O
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
trickykat @trickykat.bsky.social · 4h
flaring my nostrils because i’m having a good nose hair day
717455
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Amy @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
i forget so many things i long to remember why the fuck do i have to remember all the shit i wanna forget
16517
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Tiffany Troia @tiffanytroia.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
It's been years and years, but I'm finally getting over these inconvenient feelings :) Love pours out and vanishes like magic from an enchanted bottle ✨
3415
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
rebar mcentire? @rebarmcentire.bsky.social · 4h
for mental health reasons I will be laying down on the sidewalk in the fetal position until further notice
28218
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Pandy Fackler 🍂 @thatbrenna.bsky.social · 10h
People used to sail away to distant lands, risking their lives to get spices. Someone probably died trying to get cinnamon. Their sacrifice led to cinnamon toast crunch though
64512
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Siege @tellumsiege.bsky.social · 9h
I’d love to visit Japan just not during Godzilla season
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Dak @dak.bsky.social · 10h
My car's automatic start-stop engine feature exists solely to convince me the battery died at every single red light.
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
korpisworld @kwkorpi.bsky.social · 5h
Nothing inspires confidence in modern medicine like walking into the doctor’s office with a pharmaceutical request you got during Wheel of Fortune.
0124
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Fiona Applebees 🍎🐝 @fionaapplebs.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
There should be a politics toggle. Want updates? Toggle on. Need a break? Off
24514
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Misery Highlight @miseryhighlight.bsky.social · 4h
Radically accepting that everything is lava
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
strange ranger @lithiumsucks.bsky.social · 6h
The first rule of mental illness club is login to Bluesky.
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Misery Highlight @miseryhighlight.bsky.social · 5h
How many times can I say fuck in one hour challenge
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
futuredadOfTwo🙋🏻‍♂️ @lacroixboi.dadguy.pro · 9h
most mimes stick to the following code:
35718
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
It's Abby. Yep @itsabbyyep.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
I'm not the youngest person in the world, or the most accomplished, but at least my memory is going so I can't recall where I was going with this
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Braden Serkas @portmanteauface.bsky.social · 7h
Unlimited texting was great when phone companies first offered it. Now people break up one sentence into 17 messages and I want each text to cost a dollar
37519
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Frovo @frovo.bsky.social · 8h
it's called a rabbit maybe you've hared of it
56419
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
futuredadOfTwo🙋🏻‍♂️ @lacroixboi.dadguy.pro · 5h
spirit halloween has moved into the flavor department of the la croix factory
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Goose, seasonally spiced @augustagoose.bsky.social · 7h
I’m ‘annoyed at not being able to find the thing that is actually in my hand’ years old.
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𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 @unfitz.bsky.social · 5h
The server stopped by my table and asked how my food was. When I said “Good” she spontaneously did a double fist pump, as though she had just made a game winner at the buzzer. I don’t recall ever loving a job that enthusiastically.
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Daisy @daisy91.bsky.social · 8h
If we’re dating and you go on the Price is Right and fall down screaming because you won a TV, I’m breaking up with you.
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
futuredadOfTwo🙋🏻‍♂️ @lacroixboi.dadguy.pro · 7h
my baby has started to respond to questions with an adorable little “ya” and to test it i asked are you a stinker and she said “the fuck did you say to me”? so proud of her
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
𝔏𝔦𝔳𝔢 𝔏𝔞𝔲𝔤𝔥 𝔏𝔬𝔞𝔱𝔥𝔢 @fleurkenstein.bsky.social · 13h
Always looking for a chandler but end up with a ross
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil @thealexnevil.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
17 begged me for a car because all his friends have one, so I get him a used one. Now he’s not speaking to me. There’s just no pleasing him.
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
key @lefttwix.com · 5h
that would imply the existence of hisfume
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Greg the Miller @gregthemiller.bsky.social · 6h
why don’t they call it herfume
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
KaiJen M(s) 🏵️🎉 @jenetmms.bsky.social · 8h
I've been talking to the trees and they agree, you're pretty amazing. The mushrooms still don't trust you tho (they don't trust anyone)
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · 12h
good morning to everyone out there but an especially good morning to any twelve foot skeletons who are reporting for yard duty
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
SeaTea @tierno158.bsky.social · 6h
I grew up in a simpler time. I drank from a garden hose. I rode home on a stingray bike when the street lights came on to find my mother washing down Valium with Boone's Farm, Strawberry Hill and dad on his 3rd martini calling Walter Cronkite a pinko commie bastard for questioning the Vietnam War.
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
sweetie π @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social · 5h
bro, you are not 2 legit and you should quit
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Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Dropped Mike @rebrafsim.bsky.social · 10h
[data center] yes hi I’d like one datum, please
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