Reposted by I've got a dad backhappy filth_oween @filth-waste.bsky.social · 2hi have been saying this, very loudly in fact 15814
Reposted by I've got a dad backMary Gillis @marygillis.bsky.social · 03/10/2026Putting a bottle or can of pop in the freezer to cool it quickly and assuming you'll pull it out before it explodes is known as 'the devil's fizzy wager.' 701274114
Reposted by I've got a dad backlukelukeluke @lukelukeluke.bsky.social · 6hPolice chief: good job pinching those burglars Crab cop: *clicks claws excitedly* 516616
Reposted by I've got a dad back👻 L.T. Vargus, undead and still disgraced author 👻 @ltvargus.bsky.social · 23h“but it’s not supposed to be out during the day!” -me to the police officer cuffing me in the parking lot of the local playground where I was screaming swear words at the moon 2226
Reposted by I've got a dad backweeder @weeder.bsky.social · 23hClient: I wear multiple hats around here Me: I have three pairs of pants 1122838
Reposted by I've got a dad backBrendel @brendelbored.bsky.social · 17hThe thing I like about vampires? How they ask before being let into someone’s home. The thing I dislike about vampires? DRINKING HUMAN BLOOD 1320915
I've got a dad back @dadback.bsky.social · 17hThey're going to rename him the super intelligence czar aren't they 000
Reposted by I've got a dad backm @keptsimple.bsky.social · 03/10/2026texting Tom Cotton "why does your neck look like that?," "dude what's up with that neck?," "eaten any good tree leaves on the savannah lately?," and so forth every few minutes 551445
Reposted by I've got a dad backhappy filth_oween @filth-waste.bsky.social · 03/10/2026there can be other cuck furnishings you know. like the cuck stationary bike. for the active cuck 428352
Reposted by I've got a dad backNate @thenatewolf.bsky.social · 09/09/2026Made the hedge maze extra hard this year. Hope the lord of the manor dies in there. 310621
Reposted by I've got a dad backViktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · 29/09/2026Ask your doctor if jeopardizing your health to make the rich richer is right for you 15651176
Reposted by I've got a dad backJo @whatsjo.bsky.social · 03/10/2026me: Hey, I can’t sleep. Do you think it’s because of stress? hand puppet: *rolls over on my pillow to look at me* you have had a lot on your plate recently. 439286
I've got a dad back @dadback.bsky.social · 03/10/2026Amelia Bedelia, please stop trying to inflate me 130
Reposted by I've got a dad back🎃EM-SCREAM-KAYVEE 🔪 @youremceekayvee.bsky.social · 03/10/2026While an endearing children’s book character, Amelia Bedelia was spectacularly bad at blow jobs. 15587
Reposted by I've got a dad backthe hype @thehyyyype.bsky.social · 02/10/2026Me: so whatchya in for? Inmate: murder Me: murder? I hardly knew 'er! [next week] New inmate: so whatchya in for? Original inmate: two murders 1677
Reposted by I've got a dad backYgrene @ygrene.bsky.social · 03/10/2026BREAKING: guy who has been historically bad for everything still going around and being bad for everything 517218
Reposted by I've got a dad backTruckstop Vigilante @brenthor.bsky.social · 06/12/2023text from my boss: 'where are u, meeting has started' Me, remembering my therapists advice about positive framing: im enjoying some diarrhea 9852141
Reposted by I've got a dad backSkellyton 🦇 @infinitefinite.blog · 03/10/2026when DMX said, "y'all gonna make me lose my mind," I really felt that 15818
Reposted by I've got a dad backViva La Crap! @vivalacrap.bsky.social · 02/10/2026*gets up* I deserve a little treat! *takes ibuprofen* 17737
Reposted by I've got a dad backViva La Crap! @vivalacrap.bsky.social · 02/10/2026If god existed he would probably still be invisible or too many people would try and fight him. 073
Reposted by I've got a dad backJohn Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil @thealexnevil.bsky.social · 02/10/2026I hobble up to the customer service desk, one broken leg, black eye, and several lacerations on my face. "This can of whoop-ass was defective." 05220
Reposted by I've got a dad backSteven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 02/10/2026Sat next to a crying baby for the entire flight. I don't mind though. Feel like they were the only other passenger who truly grasped the unnatural horror of our undertaking. Man does not belong to the sky. The real monsters are those who remain silent. 13965158
I've got a dad back @dadback.bsky.social · 02/10/2026Whale, singing: [the nastiest dirty sex talk imaginable] Me, at the spa: ah, so relaxing 043
Reposted by I've got a dad backDaisy @daisy91.bsky.social · 02/10/2026Got my stitches out and have titanium in my foot so when this boot comes off in four weeks I’m kicking all your asses in kickball 3120538
Reposted by I've got a dad backsweetie π @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social · 01/10/2026turns out chipotle workers don’t like it when you yell “wrap that rascal” at them 415234
Reposted by I've got a dad backchris. @azedand2knots.bsky.social · 01/10/2026I called the turkey schnitzel a giant dino nuggie and now everyone at this Oktoberfest event is lined up to stab me with their schnitzel forks and knives. 310834
Reposted by I've got a dad backPhilip Bump @pbump.com · 02/10/2026this morning it was this: [guy from a dimension where the work week starts on friday] "tgit" 101453
Reposted by I've got a dad backRaysident Evil @sireviscerate.myatproto.social · 01/10/2026When I was a kid, I watched a PSA where the Ninja Turtles told me to Stay in School. It was good advice at the time, but I graduated more than 25 years ago, and I'm ready to get the hell out of this place. 1362
Reposted by I've got a dad backJohn Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social · 01/10/2026Me at dinner on a first date: I'm not answering any more questions without a lawyer. 27232
Reposted by I've got a dad backMuseum of Twitter @museum-of-twitter.bsky.social · 01/10/2026 151452155
Reposted by I've got a dad backJerry Chen @jcsalterego.bsky.social · 30/09/20264. posting "settle a bet: should we be using soap or shampoo for nose hair" and it goes to everyone who has the app open, immediately and unavoidably 2416716
Reposted by I've got a dad backphil @philjamesson.com · 30/09/2026as always when this is posted, i have to fondly remember the time someone stole this tweet word for word, including using my name as the punchline, then claimed it was just independent discovery 385604666
Reposted by I've got a dad backkaranormal activity 💜 @deadontheoutside.bsky.social · 29/09/2026omg do i have to do everything around here 626066
Reposted by I've got a dad backJohn Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social · 29/09/2026I visited Intercourse, PA, and let’s just say it did not live up to my expectations. 1114043
Reposted by I've got a dad backEric Replatformed @21stcenturyeric.bsky.social · 28/09/2026A couple alleys down from Diagon Alley is the Harry Potter Universe's red-light district, Vagin Alley. 1106
Reposted by I've got a dad backFᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 28/09/2026Yes, obviously it's a tuxedo t-shirt. We're at a wedding, Sharon. 319562
Reposted by I've got a dad backFᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 29/09/2026CONCERT DEEP PURPLE: So have you guys heard of...Smoke On The Water? CROWD: *screams* ME: [from front row] IT'S MORE THAN LIKELY JUST MIST 412331
Reposted by I've got a dad backLord Rat Squirt @lordratsquirt.bsky.social · 29/09/2026Why is it okay for horses to evacuate their bowels in the street but not me? They don't even pay municipal taxes. 0104
Reposted by I've got a dad backDead Reckons @gregreckons.bsky.social · 27/09/2026 the sickness OPP 🤝 I’m down 03311
Reposted by I've got a dad backfuturedadOfTwo🙋🏻♂️ @lacroixboi.dadguy.pro · 28/09/2026ME: i’ll get that from the living room for you, babe {three seconds later} what the heck am i doing in the living room 08120
Reposted by I've got a dad backdr. caitlin m. green @caitlinmoriah.bsky.social · 28/09/2026i am the president of the united states. i like to summon governors to come compliment me while i fall asleep on tv. that’s what being the president is all about babyyyy 49615
Reposted by I've got a dad backBoochy's BooBoo Booboobooboo @frenchys-goldau.bsky.social · 24/09/2026Slidden is the past tense of slide 65321
I've got a dad back @dadback.bsky.social · 28/09/2026AI models currently more ethical than most congressional democrats and all congressional republicans 000
Reposted by I've got a dad backYgrene @ygrene.bsky.social · 28/09/2026it’s customary for the Doritos ceo to reside, himself and family, right there on the property at the famed Cool Ranch 16011
Reposted by I've got a dad backalexis simpson is confused by display name changes @amutepiggy.bsky.social · 28/09/2026some guy: we need bipartisanship me (nodding): bisexual partisanship 520635
I've got a dad back @dadback.bsky.social · 28/09/2026The REASON that higher earnings correlate to daycare patronage is that those more affluent families can AFFORD daycare. Making it free opens that door to all families. 0120
