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New Jack Handey

@newjackhandy.bsky.social
87 followers 70 following 230 posts

God-tier reply guy. Super classy. Animal lover.

PostsRepliesMedia
Reposted by New Jack Handey
lil jon lovitz @liljonlovitz.bsky.social · 23/06/2026
me: i think cell C12 is missing the formula for the rest of that column ai agent: it sure is you clever bitch. have you been taking genius pills
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Salty MacTavish @saltymactavish.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
Took me a long time to understand how weird normal is
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Frovo @frovo.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is "redacted" KID: ████████ JUDGE: correct
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Johnny Normality (Spooky Mode) @probgobl.in · 30/08/2026
Teens are hiding in snow banks and devouring wandering travelers. They call it yetimaxxing and parents are up in arms over this dangerous new trend.
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hotsietozzi @hotsietozzi.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
11 seconds
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weeder @weeder.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
*thrash metal voice* BEEF TARIFF RELIEF
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Salty MacTavish @saltymactavish.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
Most people are cool and are cool with each other. The news doesn’t tell you that
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cap’n watsisname @capnwatsisname.bsky.social · 05/08/2026
an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride
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Better Things Are Possible @internethippo.bsky.social · 31/05/2026
I would never do "ass play." That sounds frivolous and I am an adult. If I'm doing anything it's ass work
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wint @dril.bsky.social · 27/04/2026
why breed dogs with jaws large enough to tear through Flesh, when you could breed dogs with minds large enougj to tear through Fallacy.....
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Trevors (1990) starring Kevin Bacon @slimyswampghost.bsky.social · 17/02/2026
every shot-on-video, made-with-a-camcorder horror movie that's just some teenage friend group fucking around in the woods with some fake blood and a monster mask contains more artistic merit, human joy and creative light than anything AI has ever made or will ever, ever make
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Shiv Ramdas Mens Rice Activist @nameshiv.bsky.social · 15/02/2026
Gotta love Olympic tradition- the passage of the torch, the ceremonial lighting of the flame, the series of articles about condoms running out from journalists seething that super fit people are fucking
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New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social · 09/02/2026
Where do you land politically @newjackhandy?? Oh, just a little right of a gay boner.
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Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred.bsky.social · 16/01/2026
I’ll never forget the last time my grandpa beat my ass because it was also the first time I heard Return of the Mack
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josh (oldfriend99) @oldfriend99.bsky.social · 19/01/2026
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 19/01/2026
I have no patience for pomegranates. I don't have time to solve your fruit puzzle.
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Frank Ray Whitehouse (He/Him) @wheeltod.bsky.social · 28/12/2025
The ultimate male privilege is that women miss out on the zesty camaraderie of us lining up side-by-side, genitals-out pissing into a communal trough of fetid urine.
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Mike Ginn @shutupmikeginn.bsky.social · 22/12/2025
Riding in a driverless Waymo and it’s actually really fun. I am banging on the windows and screaming “help me, you gotta fucking help me” at pedestrians
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New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social · 18/12/2025
It's day 67 without resolution and the Chive crowd is really trying to make something happen. 😆
A doodle made by a r/kitchenconfidential user of zoomed in cut chives, of a crude cartoon couple on the brink of intercourse, their genitalia being chives.
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NosferaPru @prufrockluvsong.bsky.social · 17/12/2025
Sesame Street taught me to count to twelve, but in the most dramatic way possible
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Brian Gaar @briangaar.bsky.social · 11/12/2025
Remember Fox News' stupid "War on Christmas" culture war? I wrote about its origins and how I kinda miss it, considering the hellscape we live in now. thebarbedwire.com/2025/12/11/m...
thebarbedwire.com
Remember the ‘War on Christmas’? I Kinda Miss It.
The comparatively lower stakes of the War on Christmas.
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Von Hitchofen ™⍼☈♅ 🛩👹😬 @vonhitchofen.bsky.social · 06/12/2025
“And what is the charge? Eating a seal? A succulent Chinese seal? GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PENIS!”
Four men in parkas forcing a furious polar bear into a cage.
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andy vs. @im-all-id.me · 24/10/2025
A fear I have is finding a cool t-shirt in kohls
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Brendel @brendelbored.bsky.social · 18/10/2025
If Gary Larson is back that means Bill Watterson is going to come back. Light is gonna reenter the world like when Gandalf showed up with new clothes.
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it's Halloween name charloh! (it/its) @charloh.online · 12/09/2025
oh my god someone slashed our tire
a car tire with a guitar strapped to it, along with a hat, wig, and sunglasses arranged to resemble the famous guitarist Slash
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NY Times Pitchbot @nytpitchbot.bsky.social · 28/06/2025
Opinion | Some say that Andrew Cuomo's defeat in the primary shows that the Democratic establishment has become weak. But I say that the fact that an unpopular disgraced sixty-seven year-old sex offender was able to win 37% of the vote shows that the Democratic establishment is still very strong.
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Alder Cheems @aldercheems.bsky.social · 22/06/2025
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ceej @ceej.online · 18/09/2024
Imagine what Jesus could have accomplished with AI
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Sweatpants Cher @housefeminist.bsky.social · 23/05/2025
podcast conclave to choose the Joe Rogan of the left
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It's Abby. Yep @itsabbyyep.bsky.social · 01/05/2025
We asked this fucking weirdo how not to be weird and his answer was weird as fuck
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It's Abby. Yep @itsabbyyep.bsky.social · 13/03/2025
Is it bad that I pretend I’m interrogating the teabag while I’m dunking it
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weeder @weeder.bsky.social · 02/03/2025
Losing faith in every single public figure and institution has done wonders for my Impostor Syndrome
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"fart" @jonhendren.com · 16/02/2025
Every day I wake up and check the news to see if it's The Big Day. I can't wait for The Big Day!!
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New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social · 12/02/2025
Our Microsoft reps at work just invited me to a "fireside chat" with PG&E... 😳
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New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social · 30/01/2025
The "He Gets Us" campaign running 100 ads a day asking "What's bugging you??" is some truly ballsy, next level trolling.
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Jeff @gojeffgo.com · 24/05/2023
"Niles, what did you put in this smoothie?"
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weeder @weeder.bsky.social · 16/01/2025
Oligarchin - when you're here, you're wealthy
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New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social · 04/01/2025
If you're craving a thread evocative of a pile of baby diapers lit on fire, you can never go wrong with the comment section of ANY New York Times post.
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Mike Ginn @shutupmikeginn.bsky.social · 01/01/2025
Jeez nothing like New Year’s eve countdown kisses to make you know where you rank in your polycule :/
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weeder @weeder.bsky.social · 31/12/2024
The worst thing you can hear a prosecutor say is "as his posts will reveal"
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New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social · 30/12/2024
This... Engagement, even through your own rhetoric, is enablement.
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Nice Dude (sincere) @sortabad.bsky.social · 29/12/2024
[first date] HER: what’s the most impressive thing you’ve ever seen? ME: Kermit the Frog playing flawless banjo despite his lack of opposable thumbs
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walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 27/12/2024
me: ugh those birds are making so much noise i wish they'd calm down bird person: those are crimson-nostriled pebblesnarfers and they're endangered
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Brian Gaar @briangaar.bsky.social · 29/12/2024
new Mario Party minigame where Luigi attempts to put together a ghost gun, while the other players drop New York Times op-eds on him
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