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Mike Primavera

@primawesome.bsky.social
11K followers 42 following 547 posts

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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 9h
Of Mice and Men 2 (action/sci-fi) Lenny awakes in hell surrounded by all the animals he pet to death, and must fight his way out.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
I like how sometimes when you grab the dish soap a few bubbles shoot out of the top and you decide to keep doing that instead of the dishes.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
I'll bet Trump combs his balls over the top of his dick.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
When a raccoon loves a coconut very much…
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
If you don't know what depression is like, imaging having a really annoying backseat driver who also occasionally tries to grab the wheel and kill you both.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
I prefer using the pull out method when making plans.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
I'd never seen a bidet before. Sorry I threw a coin in your butt fountain.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
My butt crack hair. Like a wig stuffed between the sota cushions. The vertical mustache. A dense, dark jungle where light never breaks the canopy and the animals walk right up to you because they've never seen people before. Wow you read all of that. Gross. But thanks, I guess.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Sorry I was late for work. A guy at 7-11 put 23 creams in his coffee and I had to watch him put in every single one.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
The best part about hot yoga is by the end of the class you're just happy to still be alive.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
You'll never completely wash the smell of balls off of your balls. Just do your best. I'm proud of you.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
I love when I make deals with myself like | don't know I'm 100% full of shit.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
My favorite rivalry is Spider-Man vs Robin Hood competing over who can remake the same movie the most over the last 25 years
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
Cashier: [scans 1lb bag of chocolate chips] Doing some baking huh? Me: No further questions at this time.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
They should have AAA for mental breakdowns. A therapist in a truck comes to wherever you've parked and is like "stop crying and go home."
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 26/08/2026
I’m 6 years sober today. It started by asking for help. I tried and failed dozens of times on my own. Lean on the sober community. They’ll gladly help you out of that prison you built around yourself. If I did it you can do it too.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
Doc: You have bronchitis. Me: That's my favorite dinosaur! Doc: Do you have health insurance? Me: Do you take dinosaur jokes? Doc: No.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 24/08/2026
Hey, little regular fry in my curly fries. Just be yourself, buddy.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
In the name of the father, the son, and the student loans. Ramen.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 20/08/2026
What's with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 19/08/2026
That movie The Birds wasn't scary at all. I'd love if all the birds attacked us. Give me a reason, birds. Give me a reason to take you down.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 18/08/2026
The empty building near my house that is usually a Spirit Halloween every fall got turned into an Autism Care Center this year, which I guess is kind of the same thing.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
I lost 20lbs without taking GLP-1 meds. All I had to do was drink lots of water, quit alcohol, exercise 5 days a week, and stop eating breakfast out of the 7-11 meat terrarium.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
I like how every time a doctor pulls some medicine into a syringe they squirt a little bit out for their fallen homies.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
How does an orgy start? Are there icebreaker games or is it like a rugby scrum?
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 09/08/2026
Love when the first sunbeam of the day breaks through the curtains onto my face like God using a laser pointer to highlight his problem areas.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 31/07/2026
Thought there was a bug in my nose but it was just my nose hair growing into my beard hair. Please join me on my journey of turning into a bush.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
I don't have a weighted blanket, I have a 70 lb dog with boundary issues.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 27/07/2026
The genius of TikTok is even if you don't download the app, your friends will download the good ones and text them to you. Like when you'd print out a meme for your dad to take to work.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 26/07/2026
All candy should be like Sour Patch Kids. They let you know it’s time to stop when you taste blood.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
It's dumb that when it's really cold you can put on extra layers but when it's really hot you can't get extra naked.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 23/07/2026
We see you, guy in the Cybertruck. Sorry your dad didn't.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 06/07/2026
Some green toothbrush shaped treat isn't going to freshen my dog's breath. Her other favorite treat is basically petrified pig rectum particle board. They smell like someone hiked all day in leather underwear.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 05/07/2026
Every guy in a rec league wearing number 69 has a DUI.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 24/06/2026
Baseball players should at least get to have an earbud in with a podcast going or something.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 23/06/2026
When I was 10 | went apple picking on my cousin's farm and spent all day climbing trees and eating apples until I got a horrible stomach ache and then had terrible diarrhea and my cousin heard me through the bathroom door and said "we call that the green apple splatters." The end
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
Red Bull doesn’t taste very good but at least we’ll all be used to the taste of sucking off a robot when AI takes over.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 20/06/2026
Your natural deodorant got you smelling a little too natural.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
Kind of wild to think that in a few million years soccer players won't have arms.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 11/06/2026
My team won tonight because I yelled at the TV the loudest. They played great but it was mostly me.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 09/06/2026
I haven’t met another left handed person in a while. Let me know you're there to make sure we aren’t being eliminated Highlander style. Or fight me, coward.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 02/06/2026
A person cuts open a person and pulls a person out. When you think about it, C-section is the most metal way you can come into this world.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 01/06/2026
One time on a river rafting trip I asked if we could stop so I could use the bathroom and the guide said to just dunk my lower half in the river and go, so I did. After a few minutes he said “That’s a long pee.” And I said “Pee?” No one talked to me after that.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 31/05/2026
Movie theater etiquette is dead, but I paid $50 for the ticket, popcorn and a soda. You're dead too if you're talking near me.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Every year I forget about mosquitos, but they never forget about me.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 08/05/2026
I don’t get people who listen to podcasts at x2 speed. It just feels like hanging out with people on coke.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 20/04/2026
Installing multiple stripper poles in my apartment so I can put up a hammock.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 10/04/2026
Sex is like pizza. I'll eat your crust.
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Mike Primavera @primawesome.bsky.social · 06/04/2026
My dog has a podcast but it’s just her licking her foot for 45 minutes.
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