walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 24/09/2026restaurant manager: sir, excuse me, have you been taking all the saltine crackers from the soup bar? me (barely audible over the crunching as i smash my hands into my pockets): no 050
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 24/09/2026the people of antarctica must like the cold 020
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 23/09/2026if you're walking down the road and see some dirt, you can just pick it up and take it. it's 100% legal, and tastes delicious 071
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 23/09/2026touching gross is about being in the gag ick 010
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 21/09/2026i tried clearing my throat, but after the third harmonica flew out i realized [harmonica noises] [harmonica noises] [harmonica noises] 080
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 18/09/2026my cable management strategy is to chew the cables 040
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 14/09/2026leave it to my parents to have a kid like me. they would do something like that. 0207
Reposted by walruslifestyleEmma Bolden @emmabolden.bsky.social · 11/09/2026where does dracula go when he's sick? gothspital (please this is the one and only joke i have ever thought up in my life) 1716124
Reposted by walruslifestylemindflakes @mindflakes.bsky.social · 22/12/2024Slept like a log last night (half-submerged in a pond, covered in moss) 539481
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 10/09/2026parents: clean your plate me (thru bubbles): blub? 090
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 10/09/2026my tinnitus jumps an octave whenever i'm near a microwave 030
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 09/09/2026my friends say i always make up the sayings i use, but that's like putting a pickle on an onion sandwich if you ask me 1170
Reposted by walruslifestylezoey100000000 @aliengirl100.bsky.social · 09/09/2026do u guys eat bugs or any thing 4375
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 06/09/2026"pop tarts" is already short for "protein on pastries, tarts" 1193
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 06/09/2026"never say never" they said, saying "never" twice 0165
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 04/09/2026i never liked mapquest. i need a map because i already have a quest. now i have two? no thanks 160
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 03/09/2026boss: you're late me: it's pronounced LAH-teh. and yes, it's mine 0131
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 03/09/2026people say i have delusions of grandeur but what they don't realize is that my delusions are the best delusions a person could have 0125
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 02/09/2026i miss the old days when you would send job applications by mail. i liked licking the stamp and putting it on the envelope. i liked licking the cover letter and resume and putting them in the envelope, which i also licked 19121
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 01/09/2026i hornestly clarinet understand classical music 030
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 01/09/2026on the one hand, i am well aware that shouting "release the kraken" at my fishtank won't really have any effect. on the other hand, release the kraken 1183
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 31/08/2026i may have said "how was your weekend", but what i meant cannot be expressed in any language spoken by man 062
Reposted by walruslifestyleVillein 🔒 @villein.bsky.social · 30/08/2026texting my old coworker do you still like watching tv 07910
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 29/08/2026accidentally swallowed another racquetball while doing my jaw strengthening exercises 0122
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 29/08/2026"your point is moat" i say just as i push you into my moat, ending the argument 080
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 28/08/2026i tried to make a heatmap but i overdid it and now my car's on fire 051
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 27/08/2026if you're going to give me a rock, it'd better be igneous. non-igneous rock is the particle board of rock. 082
Reposted by walruslifestyle✧𝔪𝔲𝔡 𝔰𝔠𝔞𝔪𝔭✧ @altaudge.bsky.social · 26/08/2026why won’t you let me live in your walls? why do you hate me? 1917444
Reposted by walruslifestyleTara Shoe @tarashoe.bsky.social · 26/08/2026“how old are you” fine, thanks. How old are you 121129
Reposted by walruslifestylesweetie π @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social · 26/08/2026i hate it when i’m just trying to relax and some annoying person forces me to release my spores 19020
Reposted by walruslifestylemindflakes @mindflakes.bsky.social · 26/08/2026People are always making all kinds of assumptions about me just because I have webbed fingers and scaly fins and I'm constantly saying stuff like "I must return now to the ocean, where I live". That doesn't mean anything. I'm just making conversation 446271
Reposted by walruslifestyleEvangeline Gallagher @egallagher.bsky.social · 24/08/2026you already know what I’m about to do 3898
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 25/08/2026reading this recipe for clarified butter left me more confused about butter than i was before 090
Reposted by walruslifestylemave @mave.bsky.social · 27/07/2026Why is it an insult to call some place a “one-horse town?” They’re doing okay. They’ve got a horse 261086206
Reposted by walruslifestylejosh (oldfriend99) @oldfriend99.bsky.social · 25/08/2026It's too bad the Age of Discovery is over. I just found something 1354472
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 22/08/2026i carry a hand blender in a holster on my belt. just in case 3114
Reposted by walruslifestylemindflakes @mindflakes.bsky.social · 22/08/2026A seal is essentially a sweet potato that lives in the sea. Or a slug with the face of a cat. Or some sort of wet ham animal 818652
Reposted by walruslifestylemindflakes @mindflakes.bsky.social · 20/08/2026I've got a worm on my left shoulder and a ladybug on my right shoulder and they've been giving me conflicting advice but I'm pretty sure they're both evil 19115
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 19/08/2026it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a maniac 062
Reposted by walruslifestylesky @iamspacegirl.bsky.social · 18/08/2026I do wish my life were more like a fairytale. Just me and 23 of my closest friends, baked in a pie, waiting to do a jump scare on some king. 325457
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 17/08/2026if u were living in Europe in the 1580s and 90s please DM bc i have questions for u 0154
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 16/08/2026what if we kissed in the air traffic control tower 1227
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 15/08/2026i have a light saber but i usually only use it to open plastic blister packs 071
Reposted by walruslifestylemindflakes @mindflakes.bsky.social · 15/08/2026(Showing the barber a picture of me & him skipping hand-in-hand through a tulip field) Can I get something like this 0475110
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 15/08/2026i fill a glass with water from the hose and then drink from the glass, because i am a civilized person with decorum 050
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 12/08/2026it's hard to flip someone the bird because the bird usually flips right back over and flies away 030
walruslifestyle @walruslifestyle.bsky.social · 11/08/2026i miss the laser beam days, when we used to call lasers laser beams 57914
