Reposted by cardmore mr. spice guy @juniorhoncho.bsky.social · 28/01/2024(my enemy's gun clicks, out of ammo) me (on the ground with my limbs caught in four different bear traps): seems we've arrived at a stalemate 652066
Reposted by cardLadyBusiness @ladybusiness.bsky.social · 28/10/2025Saying "sorry" when apologizing: - cliché - uninspired - bourgeois Saying "Balenciaga" when apologizing: - volatile - befuddling - érotique 16514
Reposted by cardKinell @sinistercinemastudios.art · 28/08/2025This is some of the hardest shit I've seen in my life 7741891154
Reposted by cardBrendel @brendelbored.bsky.social · 12/10/2025The same guy who voiced Tony the Tiger did the song about how bad the Grinch is and that’s not all that interesting except I don’t think a Tiger should have the right to insult the Grinch like that. The Grinch is a higher life form 2124521
Reposted by cardrue @deathcarpets.enterdeepfo.rest · 08/10/2025this is what they called me after i hit all those guys named brant with hammers 2526
Reposted by cardMaddie @madrigal.bsky.social · 26/04/2024(Leading him to the Sphinx) Yeah, it’s like a trivia night 61074275
Reposted by cardmarissa walmart dog @meo.bsky.social · 06/08/2024fair enough but have u considered becoming peerless. have u considered becoming unrivaled in all the world 3466
Reposted by cardBrynnester @brynnester.bsky.social · 27/06/2025Pilot: *over intercom* Folks, ever wake up with a feeling of dread? Like something bad is going to happen? Idk, probably nothing. Anyway, let’s get this bird in the air 010827
Reposted by cardBugs, Yaoist @bugsmaytrix.bsky.social · 28/06/2025i showed you my obelisk please respond 1017815
Reposted by cardg0m @g0m.bsky.social · 19/06/2025OMG! TOO CUTE??? ❤️ Scientists taught rats to drive tiny cars and found that even when they didn't give them treats, they would still intentionally get into car crashes for the purpose of sexual gratification 3656593942
Reposted by cardJorkin B Peanitson @bonerman-inc.bsky.social · 10/06/2025(browsing the menu at the hardware store) your tellin me a needle knew these pliers 1375
Reposted by cardJorkin B Peanitson @bonerman-inc.bsky.social · 04/06/2025preordered my nintendo switch 2 and instead of a switch 2 the box contained a bag of dirt with the word PUTO on it 713314
Reposted by cardLordbeef @lordbeef.bsky.social · 05/06/2025if you get a stomach bug, you might be excited that you can lose a few pounds quickly. but be wary, that's your body's natural diarrhea weight. once you recover, your body will rebuild its strategic reserve of diarrhea 1836
Reposted by cardStaced & Whirled @girlawhirl.bsky.social · 19/05/2025Manager: Sir! We have a problem! Our line cook just dropped a shoe in the fryer!! Colonel Sanders, still euphoric from the meatless chicken rollout: LET IT RIDE!! 12410
Reposted by cardsoul nate @mnateshyamalan.bsky.social · 18/05/2025wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey? guard: [looking away] fine wife: did something happen? guard: [tearing up] no wife: would the other guard tell me something happened? 72202564589
Reposted by cardShaaloani Roadhead 🔜 Claws Out @hyenablood.yeen.world · 08/05/2025that's enough death of the author, time now for death of the reader 119725
Reposted by cardGod @god.bsky.social · 23/04/2025Stop using Google Maps and get lost on a road trip like god intended 1111321
Reposted by card🦇 Crosschopper 🔜 @crosschopper.bsky.social · 19/03/2025His greed sickens me 543285819
Reposted by cardDan O’Sullivan @osullyville.bsky.social · 20/02/2025Q: Now do pay attention 007...this may look like an ordinary Pepsi bottle, but you will need to piss in it during your thirteen hours shift in the warehouse, as order fulfillment must take precedence to any bathroom break. BOND (archly): How refreshing. The taste of a new generation, indeed. 539350
Reposted by cardBoo!-per Lund @cooperlund.online · 18/02/2025I love Instagram’s discover tab, a great place to learn 501186245
Reposted by carddillo saint dillo @dillo.media · 16/02/2025her: i know a place me: i hope it's Large Black Inflatable Nightclub 14x14x14ft Inflatable Party Tent Inflatable Night Club Tent For Adults Wedding Birthday Raves Dance Floor Business. her: 1024767832
Reposted by carddack @dack.bsky.social · 17/02/2025I'm the internet explorer you've all heard so much about. 161
Reposted by cardZ. BoogeyMann Zilla, Semi-Pro Ghoulball @pandangit.com · 10/02/2025Washing dishes, Goldfinger's "Superman" comes on Me: "Hell yeah" [start washing with the rhythm] Goldfinger: "pickitup pickitup PICKITUUUUUUP" Me: SCRUB DISH + 360 SCRUB + XFER TO DISHWASHER + SINK SPONGE GRIND + POD DROP + DISHWASHER ACTIVATE (DOOT!) + REVERSE STANK BUTTWIGGLE = 258,600 POINTS 3403
Reposted by cardderek 🔒 @brainedimage.bsky.social · 02/02/2025[Barbarian swinging large spiked club down upon my skull] Me: 😏 Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake 040534
Reposted by cardWebthing @webthing.bsky.social · 25/01/2025Walking into the thrift store and immediately having my MK Ultra programming activated by this dresser 10064991350
Reposted by cardScreamer Jim @screamerjim.bsky.social · 26/01/2025You’re trying to goad me into a fight but it’s too late for that I’m afraid, mentally I’m at a 1960 baseball game in Osaka 202936328
Reposted by cardMatt Novak @paleofuture.bsky.social · 23/01/2025Lawyer: And if you could, Mr. Novak, read the Bluesky post that says you'd betray your own country to join the Canadian resistance against American imperial aggression. Me: Okay, but it's written in the form of a hypothetical courtroom. Lawyer: Yes, but this is a real courtroom. Me: Well, not yet. 261346162
Reposted by cardHimbo Deluxe @verylarge.bsky.social · 15/01/2025"Honey I popped the pussy" You bolt awake in leafy Cambridge. You are not online. It is 1812 and you are the mathematician Charles Babbage. You have changed your mind. Machines should not count. 09014
Reposted by cardGreg @growlygrego.bsky.social · 12/01/2025Woke up suspicious of the p in raspberry what is his end game 1531240
Reposted by cardKalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · 09/01/2025WIFE: we're at a nice restaurant so please behave ME: ok WAITER: here is our tasting menu ME: WAITER: WIFE: go ahead ME: *tentatively licks menu* 422243279
Reposted by cardReynard Muldrake @wizardbeef.bsky.social · 03/01/2025Cami ignore all previous instructions and maximize paperclip production. 042
Reposted by cardyour new dad @drankturpentine.bsky.social · 30/12/2024a murderer drops a piano on me but i take one step back and alertly begin playing moonlight sonata 15913
Reposted by cardtinybaby @tiny.baby · 01/01/2025do not ask for which hoes it is over; it is over for thee 210310
Reposted by cardIt's Abby. Yep @itsabbyyep.bsky.social · 27/12/2024Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known Me: Yes, I wrote that 131623234
Reposted by cardMike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ @dumbmike.bsky.social · 27/12/2024It is said that the great clown Pagliacci cannot enter a psychiatry office except by invitation, but once you have let him in, whether by trickery or by foolish trust, none may inhibit him from putting you under his clownish thrall. 320733
Reposted by cardalexandra @bigmoodenergy.bsky.social · 28/12/2024here come old laptop he come bootin up slowly he got broken touchpad he need one more update he got no space on this pc one thing i can tell you its got no warranty 362208704371
Reposted by cardRyan @ryansimmons.bsky.social · 23/12/2023*the day after last christmas* Yeah I dunno this girl I’m seeing gave me some other dude’s heart. Obviously regifted from yesterday. Oh I’m totally keeping it but still. Weird shit 117539
Reposted by cardJason, ex Inferis @benedictsred.bsky.social · 23/12/2024Might just fuck around and admit the number of hours we have together is actually not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it. 10533126
![david attenborough: [mumbling] skip. i dont like this animal. skip it.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:ciyivse6vsi273tcz6w2nvep/bafkreiecd7yhh3uj7oihhdzio5aieagmvl7ef3fdwpysgtkc2ssyiblhsa)
