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Absynth Lover

@absynthlover.bsky.social
131 followers 164 following 28 posts

Twitter Reject...Did Not Drink The Orange Kool-Aid...Now Get Off My Lawn...

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Absynth Lover @absynthlover.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
To all of you people who are super organized and "have a place for everything and everything in its place," what's it like to be God's favorite? And also, fuck you.
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Fickle Filly @ficklefilly.bsky.social · 08/03/2025
You mix the signals, I’ll mix the drinks.
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Fickle Filly @ficklefilly.bsky.social · 13/03/2025
A denial a day keeps the doctor away.
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Call me Marcus @marcodas146.bsky.social · 16/03/2025
I've just been talking to God, mainly on the account of head butting the bathroom door when picking up a towel.
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Salty MacTavish @saltymactavish.bsky.social · 16/03/2025
Thank you for the invitation to your party. May I ask, what is your Dorito situation?
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TheSocioPhi @thesociophi.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
Laying awake all night waiting for people to confirm they still don’t hate you is exhausting
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Billhelm @kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social · 31/01/2025
[flirtatiously placing my hand on his thigh at the bar] So where’s *Mrs* Potatohead tonight?
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DasAutoCitron @dasautocitron.bsky.social · 15/03/2025
Me: How do you know I'm an organic cyclic compound? I could be a Terminator. Him: I just watched you walk into a door frame. Me: So, a drunk Terminator.
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𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖 𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝 @sundaedivine.lol · 16/03/2025
If someone you know is crying, ask them if it’s because of their haircut.
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𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖 𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝 @sundaedivine.lol · 18/03/2025
When friends or family members asks me if I'm seeing anyone I automatically assume they're talking about a shrink.
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𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖 𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝 @sundaedivine.lol · 18/03/2025
On days like today when I hate my job I just remind myself that someone out there is Marjorie Taylor Greene's podiatrist.
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trickykat @trickykat.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
Disco conspiracy theory. Studio 51
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BrujoLoco☠️🖤🏺 @patnspankme.bsky.social · 17/03/2025
the reason I use a spray rather than aloe gel for sunburn is because I don’t like applying that gel directly to my butthole
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BrujoLoco☠️🖤🏺 @patnspankme.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
peak male performance can’t be encapsulated in a boner pill everybody knows it’s encapsulated in a Doan’s backache pill
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5oclockeveryday @5oclockeveryday.bsky.social · 16/03/2025
If you say so, I smilingly disagreed.
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5oclockeveryday @5oclockeveryday.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
The urge to make homemade noodles fades and a kitchen table stays hidden under its blanket of mail.
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Leen McBeans @leenmcbeans.bsky.social · 26/02/2025
Social media is fun because you basically just talk to yourself and sometimes a stranger replies to yell at you about why you’re wrong
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Leen McBeans @leenmcbeans.bsky.social · 13/03/2025
my left big toe hurts and WebMD says I should die about it
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Leen McBeans @leenmcbeans.bsky.social · 12/03/2025
I’m not unfunny often but when I am I make sure to skeet
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Greg Reckons @gregreckons.bsky.social · 14/03/2025
I've clenched my teeth in anger so much lately that I now have the bite force of a spotted hyena.
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Greg Reckons @gregreckons.bsky.social · 15/03/2025
Him: What's your five year plan? Me: Bold of you to assume the human race will be here in five years.
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Greg Reckons @gregreckons.bsky.social · 16/03/2025
Can't. Curating my bad life choices spreadsheet.
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richie @theregoesrichie.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
laugh it up, shit your pants, it’s all happening
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richie @theregoesrichie.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
remember cronuts? nobody gives a shit about those things anymore
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richie @theregoesrichie.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
I get it, I’m also stupid
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Jack Boot @jackboot.bsky.social · 12/03/2025
The new survey is out, and for the first time in 80 years, the number one answer isn't, "Baby Hitler."
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Jack Boot @jackboot.bsky.social · 18/12/2024
Me: I wish I had a nickname. Coworker: You do.
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Jack Boot @jackboot.bsky.social · 17/03/2025
When they find a murdered leprechaun and he still has his pot of gold, they start looking at the wife. Probably a crime of passion.
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Gian D’Oh @giandoh.bsky.social · 14/03/2025
🎶I loathe the way I work it No dignity🎵
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Gian D’Oh @giandoh.bsky.social · 17/03/2025
Who called it a tramp stamp and not a tragic backstory?
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Gian D’Oh @giandoh.bsky.social · 25/01/2025
This is the dumbest apocalypse.
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Amish Super Model @amishsupermodel.bsky.social · 12/03/2025
I’m sorry, but my mom said I can only join a gang if we have matching cardigans.
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Amish Super Model @amishsupermodel.bsky.social · 05/12/2024
If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s really a beautiful, uplifting story of a shark overcoming his bulimia.
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Mass Dude @massdude.bsky.social · 17/03/2025
My over/under is I’m overwhelmed and underpaid.
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Nappy Dolemite @nappydolemite.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
Sex AND candy? IN THIS ECONOMY?!
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Jimmer Cork-Bottle @jimmerthatisall.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
I can't believe you forgot me on your birthday.
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The best Dave you know @thefaceofdave.bsky.social · 17/03/2025
If I were in the army my rank would be General Depression.
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bacon popsicle 🧴 @gupton68.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
How long after a tonsillectomy is it safe to give a blowjob? ~ asking for my wife (tonsils removed, August 2013)
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Nappy Dolemite @nappydolemite.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
I repost my own shit because apparently you lazy fucks can't be trusted to
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CrazyMyra @outonthemoors.bsky.social · 17/03/2025
Answering all corporate emails with: "Insufficient fucks in this account".
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Theciscokidder @theciscokidder.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
Horrors to the left of me Demons to the right Here I am, stuck in the middle with you *blood curdling scream*
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Wilbur72 @wilboo72.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
The way stocks are dropping soon my 401k is going to be a 301k
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Boo B 👻🐝 @vtbee80.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
maybe i will try some ✨healthy✨ coping mechanisms ᴸᴼᶠᵁᶜᴷᴵᴺᴳᴸ
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Absynth Lover @absynthlover.bsky.social · 18/03/2025
If you eat with your eyes then why is my ass so fat?
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Absynth Lover @absynthlover.bsky.social · 14/03/2025
*Checks freezer for steak... Oh well. Guess he's shit outa luck today.
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