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Irrationally Calm

@direbeard.bsky.social
9.3K followers 592 following 1.4K posts

Calmer than I ought to be Avi by @theunderfold.bsky.social My thingies: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:bbnbcpkor3… Best thingies: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:bbnbcpkor3…

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Reposted by Irrationally Calm
Amy Vants to Suck Your Blood 🩸 @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social · 06/10/2025
i have over 20 yrs experience in the field with feedback ranging from “ohmyfuckinggod” to nonsensical moans, as well as a completion rate of 95% (+/- 3) - updating my blowjob resume
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Amy Vants to Suck Your Blood 🩸 @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social · 06/10/2025
babydoll i recognize you’re a hideous thing inside
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Amy Vants to Suck Your Blood 🩸 @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social · 07/10/2025
drinking coffee after noon is a disaster it is like daring your brain to do nothing but play the tambourine off-beat all night long when you’re trying to sleep
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Amy Vants to Suck Your Blood 🩸 @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social · 07/10/2025
i will carry your night skies and the shushing whispers of your early morning rainstorms i will harmonize with your lonesome cries as you tattoo the rhythms of your favorite songs over my skin and when the sun wakes again this side of our world, i will stand beside you fingers curled through yours
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Amy Vants to Suck Your Blood 🩸 @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social · 08/10/2025
my dream self made a context appropriate reference to “waiting for godot” while conversing with another dream character and the first thing i said when i awoke was “fucken nerd”
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Amy Vants to Suck Your Blood 🩸 @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social · 09/10/2025
they should make doctor’s appointments that i am excited about
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Amy Vants to Suck Your Blood 🩸 @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social · 10/10/2025
upon my death i request to be placed in a clawfoot tub filled with marshmallows and suspended over a fire so people can make s’mores out of me
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Amy Vants to Suck Your Blood 🩸 @msfoxifurnasty.bsky.social · 28/09/2025
THEM: whatcha doin ME: [filling a plate with slugs and flatworms] making creepypasta THEM: that’s not what… ME: [whistles tarantella while tossing in duck penis and a disarticulated teddy ruxpin]
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Irrationally Calm @direbeard.bsky.social · 10/07/2025
[First date] Me: You’re in for a real treat later. My anus looks like a group of Michael Chiklis impersonators gathered around an open grave.
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Irrationally Calm @direbeard.bsky.social · 21/06/2025
Siri has a poor sense of humor. I once did the under there/underwear joke to her and she sent a SWAT team to my house and spent my entire direct deposit on edible arrangements
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Opinion Editor @ Bluesky @dly.bsky.social · 20/06/2025
HEY YOU 🫵 wanna follow some funny folks you may not have seen floating around The Sky yet? here are some of my favorite posters with under 10k followers DM me if you want me to remove you 🥰
go.bsky.app
we're not an echo chamber don't put in the pa--
Join the conversation
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Irrationally Calm @direbeard.bsky.social · 10/06/2025
Them: Can I tell you something? Me: Probably? I mean you’ve demonstrated you can ask me something so it should really just be a matter of punctuation.
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Irrationally Calm @direbeard.bsky.social · 08/06/2025
Sorry I cried “to the thicket!” before going down on you.
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Tyler, from the Internet @tylerfromtheinternet.com · 05/06/2025
Okay well if you don't want both of your thumbs shot off then don't be popping off at people with shit like "I declare a thumb war," some folk do not take such declarations lightly, now let's chalk this up to a misunderstanding and I'll take you to the hospital
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Pookleblinky @pookleblinky.bsky.social · 05/06/2025
Don't mind him, that's just Impaled by Harpoons Jim, he's named that on account of the harpoons that keep impaling him. *Waves* hey Jim Jim: *a harpoon suddenly flies out of nowhere and impales him* howdy
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Fun @funkelly.bsky.social · 05/06/2025
lonely farts club band
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Surprised Face Guy @surprisedface.bsky.social · 05/06/2025
Me: [forgetting your name for the 100th time] Also me: "877-Cash Now!"
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Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
Welcome to adulthood. You now identify sounds by how expensive they’ll be.
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Irrationally Calm @direbeard.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
How much ball cleavage…dickolletage if you’d prefer…is best for a white tie event?
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futuredadOfTwo🙋🏻‍♂️ @lacroixboi.dadguy.pro · 04/06/2025
THE EAGLES: take it to the limit CADY HERON: the limit does not exist
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Irrationally Calm @direbeard.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
I’m sorry it “ruins the mood” Sharon, but my mom taught me to always say “oopsie” whenever I make a mess.
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dave to the k @dave-tothe-k.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
To my wheelchair using friends: looks like I need to get sort of a smaller/ narrower wheelchair for my mom. Cramped house, space etc. Any advice on brands, hings to avoid etc? Might also need an assisted lifting device for lifting her her in and out of bed etc. all input would be great.
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Kellalena @kellalena.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
I’m such a private person that it’s none of my business what I’m up to.
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sweetie π @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
*being given a rorschach test* they’re all my posts
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Jimmer Cork-Bottle @jimmerthatisall.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
You don't have to tell me twice because I don't listen either time.
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Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
There’s a puka shell necklace in my closet that talks to me like the Green Goblin mask
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🎃HalloDeeny🎃 they/them @geraldinepiche.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
What goes on in the crisper drawer of my fridge is none of my business
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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 07/01/2025
If you think turtles are due for their comeuppance, you’re going to love Thursday’s soup of the day.
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Irrationally Calm @direbeard.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
How many times should I pump my Reebok Pumps in order to achieve optimal sexual performance?
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happy filth_oween @filth-waste.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
my coworker was excited to tell us that she is starting a worm farm. she was notably less excited when i offered my body as tribute
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Lori @cornjerker78.bsky.social · 13/05/2025
If you were just gonna paint more weird ones on, why didn’t you just keep the eyebrows you already had?
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
The light-up sneakers stay on during sex
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It's Abby. Yep @itsabbyyep.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
Me: What if instead of a cat there’s a shark in the box Schrödinger: You’re missing the point but it's pretty badass
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Julie Lavender Menace @2tickytacky.bsky.social · 02/06/2025
I thought Grandpa was in the back room practicing his harmonica. Turns out that he was having a fatal asthma attack. I'm so embarrassed.
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Julie Lavender Menace @2tickytacky.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
My boss, Johnny Four Oysters, is working on a plan that will make us uber rich. We'll soon be taking full control of all vending machines owned by the blind syndicate.
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Tusk Jenkins @tuskjenkins.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
If I'm not overestimating relationships I'm probably at my favorite bookstore, where stifled laughter cannot explain to me why it was all reshelved spine first just before I got there, or how the cat sleeps around every corner ten lives ahead of me
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Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
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Marl @marlebean.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
If you shout "HOT MAGMA ERUPTING" while you're in the office bathroom, they'll let you sit in there for hours! Even if you are just watching volcano videos.
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Damnit Janet @damnitjanet.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
Just trimmed my cat's nails for the first time. It went fine but he farted 3 times and he's not normally a windy boy so i'm guessing it must be a pull my finger thing
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sweetie π @sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
not to get too deep in the weeds here but everything is horrifying
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Frovo @frovo.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
ME: wow that pine tree has a lot of branches WIFE: and its trunk is all sticky ME: I literally just said that janice
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Frovo @frovo.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
[first date] WAITER: *places check on table* ME: please let me pick that up DATE: oh ok thanks ME: *picks it up and hands it to her* you're welcome
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phil mccrevice @jewkrainian.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
when you guys are being mean to me, this is who you’re being mean to
the devil eating some cheese and it says Hey,
have you tried cheese?
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Frank Ray Whitehouse (He/Him) @wheeltod.bsky.social · 03/06/2025
"You can hide, but you can't run," -- Mama tortoise, giving the lowdown to her kids
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 04/06/2025
[narrating a documentary on magpies] just look at these fucken badger chickens
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