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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 18h

It's sad to think that if we ever went out of business, this place would very quickly become a data center.

River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 20h

It's Banned Books Week at River Side Casino! We have dusted off our Naked Lunch, Lolita, and The Perks of Being a Wallflower slot machines.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

The Lynyrd Skynyrd original band reunion scheduled for next weekend is expected to smell terrible.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 04/10/2026

We never really gave the phrase "Who watches the watchmen?" much thought until our auditor was arrested for check kiting.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 03/10/2026

The latest merch is now in our gift shop. Drop in for a shot glass, pill holder, mouse pad, or blood offering.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 02/10/2026

We will be debuting the Eminem and Kid Rock track on the casino floor today. VIP players can pick up their earplugs at the main desk.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Let's celebrate some of the Big Winners from the past hour: Max S — $10 win Tina H — $14.37 win Oscar L — $6 win Terry T — $31.29 win Amanda F — $3.17 win Sonia A — $22 win

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 01/10/2026

Looking for some extra gambling money? You only need one eye to look at your cards.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Patrons who come to our casino wearing those "smart glasses" must promise not to use them to cheat at gambling.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

Have you experienced the living death? If not, gamble harder.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 30/09/2026

The feral cats can’t set fires with their minds. That’s just a rumor started by the feral cats.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 28/09/2026

Remember, it's not gambling, it's healing your inner child.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

★★★ Review "Won $1K playing blackjack (yay!), then backed into a lamp post in the parking lot and didn't want wife to know I was gambling so I said I'd been rear-ended on the highway but then she found the receipt from the casino and moved to her sisters (boo)." Clancy S., Davenport, IA

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 27/09/2026

If you simply cannot wait for the new Star Wars movies, many of our slot machines sound like R2-D2 or BB-8 getting cattle prod shocks to their little droid genitals.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

Roulette is considered as addictive as cocaine. Come try it if you don’t believe us. Your first bet is on us.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 26/09/2026

For your safety, we are now triple washing our lettuce. As a result, we have had to completely stop washing other foods, but y’all like to gamble, don’t you?

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

We had to stop celebrating Jim Henson's birthday at River Side Casino because of all the puppets we'd find drowned in the duck pond the next morning.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 24/09/2026

New in our lost & found: —One (1) Tupperware container filled with pennies —Index card with a recipe for mashed potatoes, with the words "DO NOT MAKE. REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO NATHAN, HE STILL GETS SEISURES" [sic] written at bottom —Eyeglass case, empty

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 23/09/2026

Please don’t gamble if you’re dead. The gaming commission keeps giving us fines.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

It would be nice to book some non-disgraced comedians for a change.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

If any of our employees offer to show you their "two organs," please notify management at your earliest convenience.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 22/09/2026

We’ve heard your concerns and we took action. Our 9/11 slot machine has been removed.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 21/09/2026

If this drought gets any worse, pretty soon you'll be able to see the wreckage of the plane that crashed into the river in 1997.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 20/09/2026

The New Testament is quite clear on this: always split when you are dealt a pair of 3s.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 17/09/2026

Please be nice to Carol in reception. Her parents released a sex tape.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 17/09/2026

It’s a great day to call in sick and go to a casino.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

★ review "The manager made us look after his pregnant dog." - Warren D., Bristol, TN

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 16/09/2026

There are no questions about bestiality on our employment application forms.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 14/09/2026

Fair warning: we have cameras everywhere. Some are for your safety, some are for security, and some are because we're trying to find out who keeps stealing the GM's moustache combs.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 14/09/2026

No, the job listing for Dish Washer Washer is not a mistake. Our dish washer Jerry gets very dirty and needs some serious scrubbing after work.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 12/09/2026

Is it just us, or does EVERY casino have that one employee who keeps being questioned by police about the car they pulled out of the quarry?

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 12/09/2026

The ancient scrolls have foretold of a wise and wondrous buffet customer who doesn't complain about the quality of the crab legs

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 10/09/2026

River Side Trivia: We buried a time capsule while constructing the casino. It must never be unearthed.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

Slipknot wrote and performed our new jingle. You got a fucking problem with that?

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 09/09/2026

People seem confused by the random cards we use to combat card counters, but it’s quite simple. An Uno Reverse card means you can switch seats with another gambler, and if you find an Old Maid card while playing blackjack, she’s 6-1/2 points.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 07/09/2026

Hotel rooms are 50% off! It’s locust season.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 07/09/2026

This is Lucky, the River Side Casino chatbot. Do you have Labor Day plans for Labor Day? Working? Shopping? Barbecuing a meat? We are open if you are not working or shopping or barbecuing, which some people call BBQing.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

No matter what happens with U.S.-Canadian trade relations, we will always cherish our visitors from the north. Except for The Guess Who. They know why.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

For $25, Mitch McConnell's ghost will give you three sure-thing sports betting picks.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 06/09/2026

The escaped Cirque du Soleil acrobats living in the woods are operating the creepiest petting zoo.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 05/09/2026

Carlos Mencia can't make it tonight but someone will be here to read his jokes.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 05/09/2026

There’s something off about the photo booth set up by the feral cats but we can’t get an employee brave enough to check it out

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 04/09/2026

Now hiring for the following positions: - sausage vault security - danger clown - moat monster apprentice Apply today!

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 03/09/2026

It's Back-To-School season at River Side Casino! (some of our blackjack dealers are still struggling with math)

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 02/09/2026

We’re not sure if it’s a baby with an old man’s face or an old man with a baby’s body. Either way, the fourth floor is off limits until further notice.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 02/09/2026

Our VIP hosts are happy to answer any of your concerns about the ridiculous idea of quitting gambling.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 01/09/2026

People often ask why the coat check room is full of feral cats, and that’s a question only our new head of security Princess Nibbles can answer.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 31/08/2026

In honor of the late, great Tim Curry, our theater is screening Legend, Clue and Stephen King’s It. Just the first half though. The second half really goes downhill, though that is not the fault of the late, great Tim Curry.

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River Side Casino @riversidecasino.bsky.social · 29/08/2026

If you meet our new blackjack dealer Mark, please don't autograph his copy of Catcher In The Rye.

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