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Matt Eitner

@mkeitner.bsky.social
188 followers 183 following 1.1K posts
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Reposted by Matt Eitner
daryl "crimetime after primetime" b 🏳️‍⚧️ @hypercubexl.bsky.social · 7h
tim robinson making a ridiculous order at the drive thru
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Better Things Are Possible @internethippo.bsky.social · 1h
(browsing the news like it's a restaurant menu) Do you guys have anything that isn't Filth
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Sen. Lemon Gogurt @ugarles.bsky.social · 4h
aaron sorkin walk and talk entirely in patois
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Michaela Joffe @joffeorama.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
not sure why I made this but now you have to see it
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Light Bat Publishing Inc. Clearing House @lightbat.bsky.social · 11h
thelightbat.substack.com/p/new-interv... EXCLUSIVE: FAKE ISAAC CHOTINER QUESTIONS WITH REAL JERRY DIPOTO ANSWERS. METAPHYSICAL COMMENTARY LIES WITHIN.
thelightbat.substack.com
New Interview: Jerry Dipoto On The Culture Of Accountability
The Mariners executive explains why the blame falls on him first, why the consequences fell on everyone else, and why accountability is just a word without a standard.
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more mr. nice guy @juniorhoncho.bsky.social · 11/11/2023
holy shit
Circus peanuts led to the creation of Lucky Charms in 1964 when a General Mills employee chopped pieces into a bowl of Cheerios
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Norm Charlatan @normcharlatan.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
Don Draper saying “that’s what the Buzzballz is for!”
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Jesse Raub @jesseraub.online · 29/09/2026
PODCAST HOST: the blood from the crime scene was found to actually be from the murder victim PODCAST CO-HOST: wait… the murder victim… died? with blood PODCAST HOST: i know—i was thinking the same thing. but then i read in the report that they died from the blood not being in the body anymore
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mattie lubchansky @mattielubchansky.com · 29/09/2026
awoke this morning with a Vision
that diagram showing  the SUV blind spot in the front but it's lowly worm driving his little applemobile
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Ringtail 🔞 @rllynotringtail.bsky.social · 03/03/2026
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Rodger Sherman @rodger.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
the right's crippling lack of ball knowledge strikes again
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David Evans @dkevans2.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
Chris Hansen (interrogation voice): “it’s 2:30 in the morning, what am I supposed to make of this?” The Grinch (eyes to floor): “I shwear I’m only here for the Chrishmas preshents” Chris Hansen (narration voice): “with the Whoville PD waiting outside, our green suspect has been caught red handed.”
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dr. rich traditions, JD @helldude.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
this is decidedly different from "send mail instantly" or "movies in your home instantly" -- this is, "fingers crossed, you and your children will never know freedom from hunger and want." who can get up every day and suck dicks down at the factory with this as the vision being sold
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mattie lubchansky @mattielubchansky.com · 28/09/2026
Recent Events have me once again considering: the cube
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Nathan HawkBlogger @nathanhb.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
The weird combination of victory lap/humiliation ritual the Mariners allowed/put Dan Wilson through is pretty on the nose for how they work. No clarity, no vision, just vague emotions and lack of accountability at the top levels. On brand.
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Sell Our Dior @mikeall.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
Jerry Dipoto just needs some more time to implement his system
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Erik Hane @erikhane.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
JJ McCarthy: so yeah come game time I’m Nine. I get the alter ego. No one else Cam Skattebo: jealousy professor
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LeeAnn Wombat @jonnyauping.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
i hate to be so basic as to admit that this is everything i want in a political ad
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Matt Eitner @mkeitner.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
It's like poetry, they rhyme
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Norm Charlatan @normcharlatan.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
I don’t think you need to be a doctor to know that subjecting children to Jets football is harmful.
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Matt Eitner @mkeitner.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
Now he's Boo Nix
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huck mason @tylerhuckabee.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
bad news babe a rogue openai agent must have hacked our refrigerator last night and drank 15 beers
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Jesse Hawken @jessehawken.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
“Michael, I have great affection for you and you live a very rich and interesting life, but you live in a bubble. What you're describing is a self-curated bubble. If you haven't heard the song that's been #1 on the charts for 23 weeks, you live in a bubble and you should probably be aware of that.”
Tom Wilkinson holding 20 baguettes in Michael Clayton
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Patrick Monahan @pattymo.com · 27/09/2026
Sorry to Phillies fans on the Phillies making the playoffs
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John Fraley @johndavidfraley.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
Oh no, disaster! What a terrible idea!
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Rodger Sherman @rodger.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
when it's time to point out Drake's flaws
Kendrick Lamar grinning at the Super Bowl halftime performance
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Brendel @brendelbored.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
Oh no Gen Z is going to learn how fucked up tv was. They’re going to learn that we had psychics on the news like they were legitimate sources of information
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Sara Gibbs @sararoseg.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
He imposed Shania Law
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Grimey @grimey.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
Fowler: and Manning completes a short pass to the running back for a gain of two yards Herbstreit: Y̴̪̑õ̷͇̝ṷ̸̀ ̷͙͔̌̾s̴̫̍̈́ẖ̶͙̓a̶̝̰͠l̵̯̺͊͝ḷ̷͇̍͆ ̸̩͚̀n̵̢̓e̶͓̘͆ṽ̴̭̆ë̴́̅͜r̶͓͗̀ ̸̨͎̈́̀p̸̳̀o̴͚͙͛͠s̶̺͑͝s̸͇͛ͅé̵͈͝s̶̖̪̊s̶̢͎̿̅ ̶͉̓͜͝t̵̰̓h̵̢̏͑ͅẻ̷̲͜ ̷̪̅̃n̸̻̓̽e̴͙̖̊c̶͕̤̎̔r̵̼̈̕o̶̬͝n̶̯̹̈́̍o̷͍͎͂͠m̴̬̻̍͝i̷̬̟̋c̴͖͠o̵͇͝n̵̗̆͋ Fowler: 2nd down and 8
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treb @treblaw.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
"no offense"
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DGM @notredale.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
Jack Lemon with a broccoli cut and iced coffee
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The Onion @theonion.com · 25/09/2026
Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel theonion.com/kash-patel-phished-by-…
Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel
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Gregk Foley @gregk.co.uk · 25/09/2026
“PUT THAT ICED COFFEE DOWN.”
Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross, yelling about coffee
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Razzball @razzball.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
When I tell my friends I'm headed home but I'm going to another bar
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Nathan HawkBlogger @nathanhb.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
Mariner offseason press conference preview
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Patrick Dubuque @euqubud.baseballprospectus.com · 25/09/2026
Nathan Fielder and Slug Holmes
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Tirk @frogkaro.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
"What if Nintendo bought Sonic??? Would we get better Sonic games????" You would get 0 Sonic games bc there's only like 7 people in japan who gives a shit about that blue rat, 6 of whom work at sega as an obligation and the 7th is Inugami Korone
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Nathan HawkBlogger @nathanhb.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
When the last out hits
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David_j_roth @davidjroth.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
I'm under no illusions about how things are or what the trajectory is. But I'm also excited for the future because that is where I will hang out with the people I care about and do the things I like doing, or haven't done before. Weird but telling that this holds less appeal for much richer people.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 24/09/2026
Dog Can’t Believe Guy She Hooked Up With 10 Years Ago Now Head Of FBI theonion.com/dog-cant-believe-guy-s…
Dog Can’t Believe Guy She Hooked Up With 10 Years Ago Now Head Of FBI
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One Last Post 4: geno nation rises @cmikesspinmove.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
#NFL
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BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL AKA PRESIDENT FOOTBALL @edsbs.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
You will never take my joy from me
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David_j_roth @davidjroth.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Now this is my kind of foreshadowing
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Matt Eitner @mkeitner.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
The NFL actually let the Seahawks get Spoon and JSN in the same draft lmao
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arr @arr.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
This makes me hopeful. This number is aspirational but nowhere near out of reach: a working professional could realistically cash out their 401k and buy off a public official. Owning a senator is more attainable for most Americans than home ownership.
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more mr. nice guy @juniorhoncho.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
the angel Sahaquiel from Evangelion, a big eye thing
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one dozen rats at a keyboard @panasonicdx4500.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
explaining to cam skattebo that he won’t be able to play with jaxson anymore using the same hand signals they used to tell koko the gorilla her cat died
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Bryan Toporek @btoporek.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
Jaxson Dart and Donald Trump
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Chris Franklin @errant-signal.com · 22/09/2026
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