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The Real Melissa

@therealmelissa.bsky.social
562 followers 757 following 1.5K posts

jaded gen x-er, mom, hip-hop connoisseur 🎧 PNW 🌦️eyebrows are not my own ♾️

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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
grocery stores could give ND people a big break by putting a sign in the front door, like, “hey, aisle 14 changed, don’t spend 4 minutes staring at yogurt that’s supposed to be juice”
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Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
[being murdered while on a vacation] this murder costs twice as much as when i get murdered at home this is ridiculous
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
how have neurodivergent people not evolved to have four arms yet, do you know how many fucking things I could do if I had two sets of arms and hands???
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Bigthinkingcap @bigthinkingcap.bsky.social · 21/01/2025
Understand this I do not live in your world I never did I never will They make boxes there #brokenpoet
B/W woman in gauzy reflection reaching out.
One hand on glass the other holding dried  lavendar
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ᴍɪᴋᴀʏᴇʟ ᴍʏᴇʀs @chaclo.blacksky.app · 27/08/2026
You couldn’t get out of your own way and look where it got you.
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 27/08/2026
unintentionally scared the life out of the poor Mormon boys who came to my door tonight and I’m definitely going to hell, but I cannot…stop…laughing about it
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
on behalf of all Gen-X women, I would like to send a giant fuck you to all the drug manufacturers for this estrogen patch shortage
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
I just had the strangest experience. I walked into a coffee shop that is (unbeknownst to me) Russian-owned. Everyone looked like me. I’ve never seen so many blonde-haired, blue-eyed people In one place EVER. It didn’t feel real. 😂
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
I keep a pair of jorts in a pocket of my cargo pants just in case I'm ever invited anywhere fancy.
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 06/06/2026
my son just told me my hatred of Tesla drivers should be studied
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 04/06/2026
every time I want to go to settings I go to the clock, and every time I want to go to the clock I go to settings
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 02/06/2026
Fun fact: today I learned that doctors use the fat globules in your boobs as a roadmap, so getting a mammogram done after losing weight is harder for them.
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Steve Suckington @stevesuckington.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
[pitching the smurfs] “they’re tiny and blue and there’s only one female. and for some reason this crazy bald guy fuckin hates em” -i don’t know. it’s missing something “they wear diapers on their heads” -well now you’re talking
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turbo jerry @turbojerry.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
saying “this edible ain’t doing shit” five minutes before forgetting how to speak english
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FR🎃 V🎃 @frovo.bsky.social · 26/05/2026
sushi was invented when a guy accidentally got his fish wet so he put it in some rice
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 24/05/2026
SWIM IN THE POOL
Screenshot of apartment rental information. Underneath cost and square footage, the title says “What’s special”

The options underneath include:
IN-UNIT WASHER AND DRYER
SWIM IN THE POOL
WOOD-STYLE FLOORING
SPORTS COURTS
STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES
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chris. @azedand2knots.bsky.social · 13/05/2026
WHAT'S FUN IS THAT I AM SO SWEATY YOUR DISGUSTED LOOKS SLIDE RIGHT OFF OF ME.
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Spoopily Jay @secretjay.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
Start your day off on a high note* *in a fetal position on top of your car
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Nick Ulivieri @nuphoto.com · 05/05/2026
Tried to catch the rainbow and lightning photobombed my iPhone shot. #WXsky #ILwx
A photo of the South Loop with a rainbow cutting through the skyline reaching down towards the ground and lightning striking 1000M
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Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, with his underwear on the outside of his pants
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chris. @azedand2knots.bsky.social · 04/05/2026
I don't actually have tickets to this thing, I am just standing outside in my oversized meat poncho.
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Taco Bell Quarterly @tacobellquarterly.org · 04/05/2026
New writing hack: stop looking at your phone
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Swim Jeans 👖 @shortsleevesuit.bsky.social · 04/05/2026
C’mon in your mother has been drinking cbd oil out of a tumbler now sit down for dinner we’re having hamster
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weeder @weeder.bsky.social · 04/05/2026
If I were Stephen King, I simply would not allow Tucker Carlson to own a cabin in Maine.
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Jake_Vig @jakevig.bsky.social · 04/05/2026
"Hello, I am a stranger on Bluesky who does not like or repost anything you write. Here, let me 'correct' your clearly whimsical post to show just how big my brain is. I win!"
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 03/05/2026
I don’t think there has been a single time in the past 22 years that I have eaten salsa without singing “my salsa, salsa, salsa” first
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Garfield and Friends Screens @garfieldscreens.bsky.social · 03/05/2026
episode 106
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 03/05/2026
post your warning sign
ARE YOU PISSED. “Try my experimental DANCE THERAPY” . I have strategies to COOL DOWN . It works for me…and I’m INTENSE

I will teach you how to be less pissed THROUGH DANCE

(Before and after pics of pissed/not pissed man with beard and mustache.)

GUARANTEED or I DOUBLE (2x) your money back

If you are SERIOUS about CHANGE my website is impissed.net (with arrow pointing to QR code)
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 02/05/2026
Thursday I went to the gym and there was a giant table of pizza and a dj set up on the stairs playing terrible music. Today, there’s…a bridal show? Definitely time to switch gyms 😂
Inside a gym, where there are pink tables set up displaying cakes, red light therapy, a giant charcuterie board, etc, with balloons
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 26/04/2026
this marks the official start of summer for me ❤️
Blue Chevy Malibu White Chevy ImpalaRed El CaminoGreen interior inside a green Mercury Cougar
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 19/04/2026
RECORD STORE SUCCESS ❤️🎧❤️
Front cover of CD - Freddie Gibbs “Shadow of a Doubt” on top of other CDs in a record store binBack cover of Freddie Gibbs “Shadow of a Doubt” CD, with the song “Careless” circled in the song list
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 11/04/2026
Hydrant Magnolia ❤️
Newly blooming magnolia in front of an old fire hydrant
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Holden Cheesehead 💚💛🧀🏈 @holdencheesehead.bsky.social · 05/04/2026
"He is not here; he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay." #HappyEaster #PeeWeeHerman
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 04/04/2026
21yo: if you were a dinosaur, you’d be a cry-ceritops 18yo: not true, because I’m a FLY-ceritops *bounces off yoga ball and exits room* my kids are fucking rad 😂
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 31/03/2026
So my 21YO is studying herbal science, and her next step is getting into researching cannabis for chronic pain conditions, and this is what she got to do today…
My faceless daughter and her boyfriend holding an enormous bag of flower, with two more large bags on the ground.
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Salty MacTavish @saltymactavish.bsky.social · 30/03/2026
I’m gonna start wearing a bandana. I’m going to be a bandana guy. Maybe wear short shorts and a gray sweatshirt like it’s 1988. They’ll say hey, it’s bandana guy and I’ll say hey.
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Steve Suckington @stevesuckington.bsky.social · 26/03/2026
if you’re friends with someone who wears an ascot, you can’t be mad when you get invited to his dogs birthday party
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 21/03/2026
it took me a really long time to pick clothes for today for someone who basically rotates through 3 pairs of sweatpants on the weekends
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Losferatu 🦦 @los-los.bsky.social · 20/03/2026
dune poster generator: fuckaas i’m already here
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 13/03/2026
this song came on infinite play on my way home from work, and I feel like everyone should collectively stop what they’re doing for 3 minutes and 9 seconds and just dance to too short youtu.be/CBJtzEKetBM?...
youtu.be
TOO SHORT - Blow The Whistle (Official HD Video)
YouTube video by TooShortVEVO
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Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred.bsky.social · 05/03/2026
*on antiques roadshow* I’m sorry…what?
Clearly a forgery. Jesus dots his i with a heart.
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 12/03/2026
I hate the question “did you think about me today” bro I thought about 74 gazillion things today and that was just to survive and do my job and remember to eat
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Ian Miles Schlong @tedcruznipples.com · 08/03/2026
Just shoved a clock up my ass. I don’t do daylight savings. Not this year. Fuck you
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 08/03/2026
my sister’s college roommate was Ron Jeremy’s niece, and I will never not be entertained by this
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 08/03/2026
there’s a group of young men (late teens?) who are always at the gym on Saturday mornings, just there doing all kinds of crazy handstands and tricks on the bars it makes me happy to see them just enjoying themselves and encouraging each other
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 07/03/2026
I blasted this album from 7:30-9:30am, and whenever someone walked through my door I stood up and danced, just to see who would dance with me ALMOST EVERYONE did 😂❤️ I think I got two eye rolls
Album cover: a man wearing all black, with white shoes dancing on the front lawn in front of a pink and white house

Text reads: 
Something’s In The Water
LaRussell & Lil Jon
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The Real Melissa @therealmelissa.bsky.social · 07/03/2026
the real question is why did this make me laugh as hard as it did
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Just Call Me Amanda🐈‍⬛🐈‍⬛ @amandabf.bsky.social · 05/03/2026
I could be sitting alone in an empty room doing absolutely nothing, but if I happen to have on a white shirt that bitch is going to have a stain on it within minutes.
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