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Mortimer Langford

@mortimerlangford.bsky.social
130 followers 172 following 1.7K posts

36 year old recovering Scorpio. Married. Author. IT guy. Father. Unwilling disciple of chaos. He/Him Buy my damn books: amzn.to/4oOHjz2

PostsRepliesMedia
Reposted by Mortimer Langford
4fuxake @blueheartedly1.bsky.social · 8h
If you owe a woman 5 million dollars for sexual assault, you also owe the country your resignation.
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Cara @cara7177.bsky.social · 6h
Dear Men, If your friends tell you they’re gang raping a woman, put a stop to it by any means necessary. Call the cops. Physically pull the men off the woman. Then stop being friends with men who rape women. Sincerely, A Pissed Off Woman
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𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 @unfitz.bsky.social · 6h
A necklace made of sausage links, pasta and green beans. We’ll call it a food chain.
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alexis simpson @amutepiggy.bsky.social · 7h
one child is practicing his campaign speech for the upcoming student government election and the other threw her lunch box onto the school's roof #twowolves
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🏳️‍⚧️ Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] @alexandraerin.com · 12/08/2023
But doctor, Pagliacci isn't in my network. Can you write me a prescription for a generic clown?
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Danielle Ryan (Lestat Era) @danirat.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
why is this so goddamn funny go back to westeros for another cameo you belong there in the horse poop and misery you rich dork
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𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 @unfitz.bsky.social · 20/09/2026
Me: *𝘴𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘳* Me: OK, everyone, we’re gonna slow things down a little *𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘴 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤*
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leftylady.bsky.social @leftylady.bsky.social · 20/09/2026
I’m still so pissed that those of us who didn’t fuck around, still have to find out. We KNEW this was gonna happen.
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Will Kerslake @wkerslake.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
I recently heard someone describe NIN as inverse Rick Astley. I will give you up I will let you down I will run around and desert you I will make you cry I will say goodbye I will tell a lie and hurt you
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
WIFE: I had to buy a strainer today and omg they cost so much now ME: *barely audible* Expensieve HER: Get out!
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Casey Explosion @caseyexplosion.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
[Phlebotomist waiting room] Me: [chanting] blood, blood- Other patients: blood, BLOOD Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] BLOOD, BLOOD, BLOOD!
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the hype @thehyyyype.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
Here we have a lady trying to feed a baby kitten. And here we have a guy trying to bludgeon the kitten to death with a brick. It is important that we get both people's thoughts on what should be done with the kitten.
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illumi @yallchemist.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
i’m like the anti-ai because i can produce water in the form of tears while managing to get little to no work done
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
Imagine fumbling a hot issue so hard your own touring band goes "Yeah... fuck you." 🤣🤣🤣
apnews.com
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Green Country Collective @gsustulsa.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
Darius
2h.

I got fired from AMC because whenever
someone ordered a small popcorn, I'd
"accidentally" fill up a large bucket and tell
them we ran out of smalls.

Now I work at McDonald's, and you better
believe you order a 6 piece, you're getting
8 or 9 nuggets. Order a 10 piece? There are
at least 13 in that box.

l'll keep doing this sh*t until the day I die.
F_ck these giant corporations. I'm here for
the people.
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Gef the Toking Mongoose @geftokingmongoose.bsky.social · 27/05/2025
weed could have fixed him
The pokemon Cubone who is a small dinosaur or lizard looking creature with a skull helmet and a bone club
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
My dad was stationed at RAF Molesworth, England. (I didn't return to the US - which I left around '94- until 2002). As soon as the towers were hit, he called my mom to tell her to turn on the News. He abruptly dropped the call when, during his call, the Pentagon was hit.
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phil mccrevice @jewkrainian.bsky.social · 26/11/2024
the butthole and the mouth are just two ends of a fleshy silly straw
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
*Sigh* It pisses me off that I'm having to say this, but here we are. I need y'all to shut the fuck up about how likely it is for us to get $5000 EACH. Yes, even the politicians. ESPECIALLY the politicians. Instead, I need you to focus on how this is ILLEGAL BRIBERY. Okay? Cool? Cool.
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derek guy @dieworkwear.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
imagine being a menswear writer and having to go back to writing about this fall’s best socks after reading anthropic employees say AI might destroy humanity in a few years
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Simkaye 🌈 @simkaye.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
Happy Monday(the Tuesday after labor day)!
Two-frame comic. 

Frame 1:
"You're an adult now" text followed by a raccoon sitting at an office desk. 

Frame 2:
"A REAL adult" text followed by a closeup of the raccoon's eyes which read "SHIT"An illustration of a raccoon hanging precariously off the edge of a wood table, reaching for a coffee/tea cupAn illustration of a cluttered home office space with plants and soft lighting. A raccoon is on its back in the desk chair, seeming dead, with a ghost drifting from its open mouthAn illustration of a vibrating raccoon clutching a sloshing cup of coffee, surrounded by stacks of coffee cups in various states of being drunken
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Bethany Black @bethanyblack.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
4 years since The Rock did one if the all time tweets
Rest in peace to Her Majesty the Queen, Elizabeth II. A great woman who sat on the throne as long as anyone in British history.
Sad she will never get to see #BlackAdam V IN THEATERS OCT 21st
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Standplaats Kraków could really use some cash! @standplaatskrk.pl · 08/04/2026
dogweapon on tumblr: "the author's barely disguised longing for a kinder world"
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derek guy @dieworkwear.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
this is the kind of design costume designers make to tell you who are the bad guys in a space movie
Donald Trump posts an image on his Truth Social account. It shows a new uniform for US Space Force members, comprising of an all-black outfit with knee-high black leather boots, black cap, and minimalist looking suit.
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God @thegodshow.com · 07/09/2026
Remember that time Mitch McConnell died and they just pretended he didn’t so they could keep collecting checks? Should make for a quirky HBO comedy someday.
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
Hey, uh, this is an underrated joke and deserves more likes and reposts.
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los 🦦 @los-los.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
Me: Mom, they made Día De Los Muertos Barbie Mom: Quién? Me: Him too
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
Downgrade a movie: Star Police Actions
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
Downgrade a movie: A Copier Dimly
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
What gif comes up when you search your name? ... I'll take it.
static.klipy.com
Mortimer Mouse Dancing in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Alt: Mortimer Mouse Dancing in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
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Ben Collins @bencollins.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
It's not enough to just take this shit down in 2.5 years. We've gotta desecrate it. Flip it over and turn it into a halfpipe. Make the sides of it a dog park so something can piss and shit on it. It's the only way out of this. President AOC, I will make this happen free of charge.
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
So long as she's not playing Creed or Skillet, I don't see the issue here.
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Kylie Eleison @gonebabygone.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
"Political candidates are not allowed to be cool as shit" is the last bipartisan consensus
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Stella Sacco @antlervel.vet · 03/09/2026
Huh, I didn’t know David Zasłav was in town
Black Mercedes-Benz C280 with California license plate IH8 ART
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The Onion @theonion.com · 02/09/2026
Amazon MGM Narrows List Of James Bond Candidates To 6 Actors, 1 Extremely Suave Ferret theonion.com/amazon-mgm-narrows-lis…
Amazon MGM Narrows List Of James Bond Candidates To 6 Actors, 1 Extremely Suave Ferret
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James Damron @runswindows95.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
I'm reading a horror book in Braile. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
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the beggars out of here getter @milesklee.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
AI has the chance to do the funniest thing
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
A very normal, stable genius thing to say when you're the recipient of the first ever FIA peace prize (handed out because the nasty, biased Nobel society refuses to acknowledge your gentle, kind ways, those vicious little fucks!). Anyways, let's see how he ends this war for the Epsteinth time.
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jam @socialistboat.dad · 01/09/2026
This is the energy I need Democrats to express
twitter screenshot

Dan
@dankgdl

Once before class my friend said to me "time to clean house" and walked into the class his brother was in and just kicked him in the nuts

8:20 PM • 10 Sep 17
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
The Right: "If Rome was around today, the world would be united around their great works!" The Left: "If Rome was around today, it would be a fascist hellhole!" Romans if they were around today: "What do you mean there's a song called 'Daggers' by a band naned 'We Came As Romans'?"
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
Hey, uh... Alphas? This ya boi? Begging his robo son to mock someone more than half his age so he can look cool? Because he's too busy being a genius industry giant to come up with his *own* insults based on a super dumb failure of a juxtaposition? Come get ya boi.
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mr. cannoli @boner.ink · 28/08/2026
one day we're all going to be 80 still calling each other chopped uncs
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Middle Age Riot @middleageriot.bsky.social · 27/08/2026
Lindsey Graham: "I can't wait to meet Dolly Parton." Satan: "Shut up and eat your barbed wire. She isn't coming here."
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
Okay now do Europe
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 24/08/2026
Make a band bigger. Toolset
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
I'm not exactly quiet about my mental health stuff these days because I try to be more accountable for myself and want others to feel like it is normal and good for guys to acknowledge and work on themselves. But in my worst moments, my actions did not have global consequences. Do not excuse her.
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Lizzy @stonedeva.bsky.social · 12/02/2026
Finally bit the bullet, moving to the country to eat a shitload of peaches
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Robert Evans (the Only Robert Evans) @iwriteok.bsky.social · 20/08/2026
I think there's a more traditional way for Ireland to deal with a rich man who harms children and owns a yacht
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Aaron Rupar @atrupar.com · 20/08/2026
Melania Trump is presented with a helmet (does Natalie get one too?)
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Mortimer Langford @mortimerlangford.bsky.social · 20/08/2026
Anyone else struggling to keep it together just enough to get through one more day of work, regardless of the hypocrisy of those in power doing nothing while soaking up our tax dollars? Fighting the voice questioning what the point is acting like we're *not* perpetually fucked? Not just me? Dope.
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