m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 15hi love how on any sports clip online there’s always a bunch of guys commenting “you think that’s good???? you should’ve seen the guys who played back when my dopamine receptors were functioning properly 🤡 “ 040
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 18hthinking about the time we spent the summer fighting a colony of yellow jackets and my wife said “i think i’m just going to get a bee suit and go in there” to which my nine year old replied “thats ridiculous! bees aren’t just gonna….not sting you cause you look like one of them” 0121
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 21hkid of thought someone would have figured out to use ring of fire in an anti-diarrheal commercial by now 120
Reposted by m@thewSteven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 02/10/2026Sat next to a crying baby for the entire flight. I don't mind though. Feel like they were the only other passenger who truly grasped the unnatural horror of our undertaking. Man does not belong to the sky. The real monsters are those who remain silent. 13970159
Reposted by m@thewRoxi Horror 💀🌸 @roxiqt.com · 03/09/2023According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it's actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it's actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand. 14858216
Reposted by m@thewLauren Flans @laurenflans.bsky.social · 10/03/2024Oh; I concur that this is not my circus, but those ARE, in fact, my monkeys. And therein lies the problem, constable: this circus has obtained my monkeys by nefarious means. 6962266
Reposted by m@thewJo @whatsjo.bsky.social · 02/10/2026My husband once put color change bulbs that connect to an app on his phone in all the lamps in our bedroom. He knew I was rewatching American Horror Story from the beginning, so from work during the day he’d randomly turn them all bright red. The first time, I ran straight into a door. 717520
Reposted by m@thewbog landlord @pondslurp.bsky.social · 23/12/2025every squad has the oblivious homie. except mine i guess 142081
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 01/10/2026yeah, you name a baby andre the giant what did you think was gonna happen?? 0494
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 01/10/2026can’t afford the streaming service tonight’s game is on but i can afford stealing my neighbor’s curtains 061
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 30/09/2026if i could redo my helium balloon vending machine i’d probably put the door at the top 094
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 29/09/2026venus de milo could have defeated medusa but she was unarmed 110
Reposted by m@thewceej @ceej.online · 14/05/2024walking around with red dots painted all over my body to confuse snipers 13837129
Reposted by m@thewRads @rads.bsky.social · 16/11/2024[being chased by killer] ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button* 242101490
Reposted by m@thewStellbound: Stellraiser II @antlervel.vet · 09/08/2026This is crazy. Guy down my block died in his apartment and he didn’t have any family or roommates it took a week for anyone to notice he was missing. And when cops and EMS finally got in there they discovered his Funko Pops had been eating his corpse 703341514
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 26/09/2026found myself in a catholic church for the first time in 10 years yesterday and man i forgot that christ has some catchy jingles 2314
Reposted by m@thewMike.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ @dumbmike.bsky.social · 24/09/2026I thought this was just beautiful. Kurt Vonnegut takes a walk to mail a letter: 211292343
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 24/09/2026read if u drive ur car into a lake the first step to survive is to stay calm however i will not being doing that what else ya got 170
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 24/09/2026get urself a new pair of pajama pants by falling asleep in ur jeans 051
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 24/09/2026re: impeding doom via the demise robots has anyone tried just uhh 220
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 23/09/2026i don’t think the hr lady was paying attention during the first half of the sexual harassment seminar it’s been like an hour and a half of what constitutes acceptable behavior and she’s still asking me if i wanna role play 010
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 23/09/2026trying to get into heaven but st. peter wants to discuss ur whole life first? shut up u gossipy bitch i wanna go meet airbud 092
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 23/09/2026must be embarrassing as hell to call in to your job as a mechanic cause your car won’t start 060
Reposted by m@thewGianmarco Soresi @gianmarcosoresi.bsky.social · 21/09/2026If you’re moved by this guy crying boy oh boy are there some other images and videos you should check out 396209583492
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 21/09/2026tired of self improvement can’t everyone else just get worse 612827
Reposted by m@thewPaul F. Tompkins @pftompkins.bsky.social · 21/09/2026You gotta give it up to Earth Wind & Fire for not even bothering to add a Water guy. They were just like it’s fine 03844607
Reposted by m@thewsky @iamspacegirl.bsky.social · 21/09/2026I refuse to make this any less complicated 1041557
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 21/09/2026was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in a drive thru and accidentally spent $174.93 1424
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 20/09/2026dr: lets do two truths and a lie me: i’d really rather no- dr: i can speak french me: *sighs* ok dr: you have more than a month to live me: what dr: i can play the trombone me: dr: me: can you? dr: oui 0148
Reposted by m@thewPeter @notalawyer.bsky.social · 20/09/2026a lot of people act like there's a trade being offered where we give up trans athletes in sports and in exchange fascism is defeated forever 188136512898
Reposted by m@thewSteven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 18/09/2026Met the Spanish version of myself today. Uncanny likeness. Little sad because I guess I had always secretly hoped that I was the most Spanish version of my many possible selves. Grew all this mustache for nothing. 1354
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 18/09/2026i am like a bee in that i love honey and flowers and getting so mad i rip my own ass off 042
Reposted by m@thewKatelyn Burns @katelynburns.com · 17/09/2026Enjoy the camps, bluesky devs! 212709348
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 17/09/2026ok, but what if u want to summon batman during the day 1021840
Reposted by m@thewChris Person @papapishu.bsky.social · 17/09/2026I’m really trying not to go for cheap heat on here but you can write off any politician that does not support trans rights without equivocating because it’s the morally correct thing to do and additionally because it means they’re not above selling anyone out. 71392216
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 17/09/2026decided i wanted my toast “toastier” and switch from 2 to 3 halfway though i have no idea if this is going to work im a nervous wreck 2100
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 17/09/2026in sports if the starters play bad enough the coach will often put the subs in for the rest of the game i think that should be more common imagine writing an email so bad a coworker does ur job while u spend the afternoon at the zoo 050
Reposted by m@thewbrent @murrman5.bsky.social · 16/09/2026[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened 5627103
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 16/09/2026hey look, i’m really sorry bill from accounting died but i don’t think it’s unfair of me to ask for the $4 i put in his get well card back 47610
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 16/09/2026if anyone out there gets nervous when interacting with someone i’ve written a short script you can use in any situation below “good morning” “good morning, how are you?” “good. you?” “*slightly more enthusiastic* good” do not worry they will know their lines ur welcome good luck ☘️ 180
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 16/09/2026if john henry were alive today he’d be in ms paint churning out sailor moon hentai faster than claude could comprehend 190
m@thew @tweetpotato314.bsky.social · 16/09/2026sorry i hiccuped while trying to shoot a poison arrow out of my blow gun and swallowed it can someone else drive 050
Reposted by m@thewbrent @murrman5.bsky.social · 20/08/2026[wife for the 5th month in a row] think you could talk to your boss this morning [me who gets paid in gift cards] kayla please don’t start 0366
Reposted by m@thewdonni saphire @donni.bsky.social · 15/09/2026I respect my haters and share their concerns 101188270
