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Asstown Baker

@asstownbakery.bsky.social
3.7K followers 1.1K following 3K posts

Asstown resident and owner of the Asstown Bakery. One of these days I will jump through my own asshole. Anxious and sexy. I like fruity people and outdoor showers Skeets: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:sdkxyw2r7xlx5kjhsolgagv6/feed/aaaonwhdmx2o2

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Mr. Bea Arthur, Batshit Crazy™️ @steamymac.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
Sasquatch is actually a surprisingly gentle and generous lover.
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Jimmy Two Heads 💀🎃 @jimmytwohands.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
I know exactly why, poindexter. It’s because it looks cool as fuck
This 11,000-Year-Old Statue from Turkey Shows a Man Riding a Leopard.
Archaeologists Aren't Sure
Why
The strange sculpture reverses a recurring Stone Age motif of humans confronting dangerous predators.
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Andy “voice of Brak” Merrill. 🎅🏻🤡🐒💩 @amerrill2.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
I revere Dolly Parton much as I do Fred Rogers. They’re people who made it their life goal just to be gentle and kind to everyone that they met. They are prime examples of how we all should behave and live our lives.
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God @thegodshow.com · 24/08/2026
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 01/05/2025
I like when the cookies crowd together into a cookie Argus Array
Chocolate chip cookies I baked on a cookie sheet. They look like a delicious Argus Array
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
Ok why does using copilot at work feel like cheating? Like maybe I’m supposed to come up with this excel formula myself and not ask a robot idk
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HydrophonicsTV🔞(VTuber,Future-Funk-Femme)🏳️‍⚧️ @hydrophonicstv.bsky.social · 13/06/2025
“My stillsuit is full of piss, My hand is caked in sand”
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scott dagostino @scottdagostino.ca · 06/08/2026
Don’t know who wrote this — it was posted on Instagram by “Warpaint Journal” in April 2025 — but it’s making the rounds today and is pretty great. I dream of this too ❤️
Most people don't dream of being fancy-rich.
I dream of being rich enough to say, "Treat's on me," without thinking twice. Rich enough to have a home that feels like a hug, a fridge stocked like a five-year-old with adult money, and a tray of chocolates waiting for someone to grab. Rich enough to quietly help a friend before they even have to ask. To send a care package when someone's too tired to reach out. To buy all the pencils from a kid on the street so they can go home early. For me, the real money dream isn't about luxury - it's about having enough to give, enough to comfort, enough to turn ordinary moments into something extraordinary.
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
*using 53 gallons of water to ask AI if Harkonnens have normal genitalia
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Areola Grande @uhhhhhoksure.bsky.social · 02/07/2026
If you see me on the side of the road picking wild berries mind ya business
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
I’m high af and watching Labyrinth and may I ask wtf is going on in this movie ?
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
I’m to the “tell me how Harkonnens do it” portion of my high
Basically my search on the internet begging google’s ai to tell me how harkonnens do it
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
I live in a low humidity area. In other words it’s dry, like Shai-Hulud’s pussy
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
My weed delivery place offers a “heavy hitters” edible. I cut it in quarters with my kitchen shears so it only kicks one fourth of my ass
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Dr. Jessie Christiansen @aussiastronomer.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
REVENGE PROCRASTINATION BEDTIIIIIIIIIIIIME.
static.klipy.com
Woman Shouting and Screaming
Alt: Meryl Streep Shouting and Screaming
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
I drew the fudge monster from The Amazing Digital Circus. Reference photo on top, pen drawing below. Not one of my best but I tried.
A reference picture of the fudge monster from The Amazing Digital Circus and the one I drew below it. It is an alcohol pen drawing with black ink accents and a few white Posca paint pen accents.
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
My boyfriend refuses to fart in front of me. Usually they have caved in by now wtf
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
I don’t know how many people I’ve made out with and I’m ok with that. Maybe I’m not supposed to know, it’s none of my business
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
Wondering if my new job will let me take time off so soon because these long awaited lyrics to the MacGyver theme song are not going to write themselves
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 07/05/2026
lol they want another interview so I guess i didn’t bomb 💅
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 06/05/2026
Today I answered the interview question “How do you show up for your coworkers” by saying “I’m like your favorite aunt” so uh, nailed it
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 20/04/2026
Manifesting this
A sign on my wall I made that says Great things are coming my way and I deserve them
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 12/04/2026
Googling “why does it feel so amazing to poop the biggest poop in the world and completely clear out your intestines” and then realizing that you’re drunk again and just sent this in a text message to your boyfriend
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 31/03/2026
I haven’t wanted to skeet because I got laid off and I’m sad and feeling bad about myself but I took an edible just now so I might start saying dumb shit as nature intended
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Tyler, from the Internet (Haunted) @tylerfromtheinternet.com · 28/03/2026
Picard is always like "tea, earl grey, hot" and I guess that's why he's captain, I would be like "seven top pot maple bars, two blackberry cobblers, a banana cake, two root beer floats, and two durban poison joints" every few minutes
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Denim @denim22.bsky.social · 26/03/2026
You arrive to the hotel room. I am nude and completely lubed up. You start to ask me what I have all over me when you spot the tub of beef tallow on the night stand. “I want to make America healthy again all night with you” I say as the beef tallow shimmers on my back rolls. You cum instantly.
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Erika Lee Sears @erikaleesears.bsky.social · 18/03/2026
Grapefruit #oilpainting #art
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Denim @denim22.bsky.social · 03/03/2026
The last time I baked a man cookies, he stole my good Tupperware.
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 02/03/2026
My parents don’t have a door on their master bathroom which is the kinkiest thing I’ve ever seen
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harpy @harpy.party · 01/03/2026
Picard sure loves to wear a slutty little robe
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 28/02/2026
If I were a rich lord oh the fucking goblets of wine I would drink,while I did lordly shit and thought grand thoughts of balls and ladies and shit like that
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 28/02/2026
No one, ever: Me, high af and watching Bridgerton: twill be a cold day in hell when I make my return to the marriage mart and out of the sweet sexy embrace of spinsterhood
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Pot Shop Boo @potshopboy.bsky.social · 27/02/2026
After the week I had, I'm getting so fucking stoned tonight.
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 25/02/2026
Honestly if your penis is bigger than a sleeve of Thin Mints i don’t want it unless your penis is literally thin mints then yes, I do want it
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slop enjoyer @slop.guru · 25/02/2026
why? why shouldn’t i be allowed to have a sleeve of thin mints in my dresser drawer?
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Micah @rincewind.run · 25/02/2026
good news everybody
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mike taddow @miketaddow.bsky.social · 25/02/2026
democrats sending those donation spam texts/calls tonight
old dude on a bike with like 70 phones on the handlebars
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Jake_Vig @jakevig.bsky.social · 25/02/2026
The amount of drugs they are pumping into him tonight to make it through this speech would kill anyone other than Keith Richards
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Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · 20/01/2026
[after getting 8 likes on a post about Dracula having sex with Bigfoot] I love Bluesky, but this isn't sustainable
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Patrickworld 🌎👋🏾🎸 @patrickworld.bsky.social · 22/02/2026
‘I notice none of you fuckers are listening now’
A painting of a woman standing to speak at a community meeting. She wears a brown jacket over a blue plaid shirt, with folded papers tucked into her pocket. The seated attendees around her look up attentively. The scene is Norman Rockwell’s “Freedom of Speech,” but with a female speaker as the central figure.
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BrujoLoco☠️🖤🏺 @patnspankme.bsky.social · 20/02/2026
imagine getting in any body of water while wearing jeans, let alone a hot tub, then imagine doing that with kid rock stop barfing
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 18/02/2026
Absolutely fucking no one: Me: I do hope the Lady Francesca Bridgerton achieves a pinnacle during intercourse during this season, as thus far it has eluded her
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Riker Googling @rikergoogling.bsky.social · 17/02/2026
do all humanoids have soft butts
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 15/02/2026
I’m doing some watercolor tonight
My hand holding a watercolor paper with two sharks sketched on it. One might think one was kissing the other one on its cheek
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 15/02/2026
Holy shit you guys this is what my face looked like 16 years ago in watercolor. I have this painting in my bathroom.
This is an artist’s blog and this is a watercolor and pen portrait of me that I sat for like 16 years ago. The watercolor is greens and browns.
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 14/02/2026
You guys when I got my new phone they kept trying to sell me on a privacy screen but fuck that, I’m proud of my shit posting
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warmyellowlight @warmyellowlight.bsky.social · 13/02/2026
do you wanna come over and cut paper into various shapes and glue them onto things
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 09/02/2026
I accidentally caught five seconds of that Kid Rock halftime show and when he screeched BAWITDABA into the camera I felt my bacterial vaginosis flare up fml
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Asstown Baker @asstownbakery.bsky.social · 08/02/2026
Writing my representatives to urge them to address the problem of too many boys going to Jupiter to get more stupider
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brick @bigblocks.bsky.social · 07/02/2026
getting a bigger penis tattooed onto my penis
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