Reposted by Lucy
Lucy
@feistylittlebear.bsky.social
176 followers 250 following 172 posts
🌹🌿 🕊️ ☮️ Don't waste a minute. Too little, too late. Wildlife. Other minds. Climate. Deep time. 🐾
🌹🌿 🕊️ ☮️ Don't waste a minute. Too little, too late. Wildlife. Other minds. Climate. Deep time. 🐾
![[Scene is the Tudor royal court. ladies and gentlemen standing round. In the corner a very fat HENRY VIII is hunched over playing a lute.]
1
LADY:
Hey Anne Boleyn -
Who’s that lute player?
ANNE BOLEYN:
I dunno
[Determined face]
But I’m gonna find out.
[Title lettering panel]:
THIS SUMMER
[Scene is now two musicians - one with a harp, the other is Henry VIII again playing the lute]
HARPIST:
Yo Henry VIII -
Who wrote that sick lute riff yo’ jamming?
HENRY VIII:
Why...
[Looking around, modest, surprised at the attention]
I did…!
[Title lettering panel]:
SEE THE STORY
[Scene is now a tudor record producer with ruff and wearing dark sunglasses]:
PRODUCER:
Congratulations Henry
Your lute thing is a hit and your story is now one of uncomplicated musical success!
[Show a panel with lots of Beatlemania-style scenes of success for Henry the musician - swooning tudor girls, playing lute on stage, waving to fans as he descends from his golden carriage. In the middle of it in Tudor lettering are the words]:
“UNCOMPLICATED MUSICAL SUCCESS MONTAGE”.
[Another scene - a man is saying to Henry]:
MAN:
Say Henry VIII -
Are you doing anything outside this narrative that is very bad or weird?
HENRY VIII:
No.
[Title lettering panel]:
…OF A MUSICAL GENIUS
who definitely didn’t do anything outside this narrative that was very bad or weird
[Scene with Thomas Cromwell]
THOMAS CROMWELL:
Hang on Henry aren't you also a -
HENRY VIII [jumping in front of him with his lute held aloft]:
LUTE SOLO!
[Final film title panel]:
HENRY VIII:
Rock Biopic
[rated U]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidmilghzmgnj35twr4xvnfm5eubpcdc4xmtd5nzexe2ybcubmeu7m)
![The scene is a LATE NIGHT CHAT SHOW, present day. The audience are clapping the host who is starting the show.
On the center of the wall behind the host is a huge version of the famous Author Portrait of William Shakespeare from the First Folio - the image is the iconic one we have of Shakespeare, ruff, beard, bald].
[Close up on the HOST.]
HOST:
And now - l can't believe I'm actually saying this...
Please welcome. through the newly invented Time Portal..
[We see now that there is a glowing hi tech box on the stage]
HOST:
MR… WILLIAM… SHAKESPEARE!
[Huge applause, whoops, cheering from the audience]
[Through the Time Portal comes WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE - grinning and waving to the audience, revelling in the attention. He has a full, glorious, brown, flowing head of hair.]
SHAKESPEARE, still smiling glancing up at the huge author portrait on stage]:
Who's the bald guy?
HOST:
That's your author portrait!
It's the only one we've had of you for the past 400 years.
[Shakespeare again. His grin is fixed but waning. He looks at the host. Back at the bald portrait. We see it again. It is really very bald. Shakespeare looks a it. His grin is fading ever so slightly now. He looks back at the host.]
HOST:
I believe it was put at the front of your collected works after you died by your lifelong rival, Ben Jonson.
[Shakespeare again. Shakespeare’s smile has gone now. He looks back at the host. He looks back at the bald portrait. He looks at the host again. Then he abruptly turns and walks back out of shot]]
SHAKESPEARE:
COME HERE JONSON YOU FU- [Words truncated as he disappears back in time through the portal, while the host runs trying to catch him]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiedk4wnxtgxhhx3scdw3evxkpi3pd2xjflkw4nhb4a4migrlew6yu)
![A woman named GEMMA and a man we’ll call GEMMA’S BOYFRIEND are sat on sofa in front of TV in slouchy clothing. It is evening.
1
GEMMA [yawning]:
I’m going to bed
2
[She gets up]
3
[She walks up stairs]
4
[She gets into bed]
5
[She turns the lights off and goes to sleep]
6
GEMMA’S BOYFRIEND [his voiceover but we see his face as he is still sat on the sofa, looking stunned]
And that’s when I knew:
Gemma was the Messiah.
7
[Cut to a preacher on a rostrum talking to a crowd of people. He is stood beneath a giant fresco of Gemma’s face bearing the words: SHE JUST WENT TO BED]
PREACHER:
She performed the miracle!
To show us the way!
8
PREACHER:
The miracle…
of going to bed without faffing about for absolutely ages.
9
[Cut to one panel showing a TV screen with news ticker headline: MESSIAH GOES TO BED JUST LIKE THAT, other forms of news on phones, newspapers etc with headlines SHE JUST GOT RIGHT IN THAT THING... A MIRACLE... ALIEN - OR GOD?]
10
[Cut to another preacher, this time in a massive stadium, a gospel choir singing behind him]
PREACHER:
She did NOT have a check of the thermostat…
CROWD:
Hell no!
11
PREACHER:
She did NOT have a three checks of the front door…
CROWD:
Halellujah!
Whoo!
12
PREACHER:
She did NOT even have a lil’ beddy-byes doomscroll…
WHOLE CROWD:
AMEN!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreie27v3poljl4by27kpugwvfvz35tcokqzd4qygefribkd5ikaykem)
![cartoon for the guardian by Stephen Collins - script as follows:
[Scene is a darkened LOFT. Amongst the boxes and junk are FOUR KNACKERED OLD FANS - three tower fans and one circular, with cracked grey plastic and buttons missing. One fan, TOWER FAN 1, is a bit taller than the others, and is addressing them]
1
TOWER FAN 1:
Right lads, get ready.
2
TOWER FAN 1:
This is our time.
3
TOWER FAN 1:
The time when we remember who we are, and why we’re here.
4
TOWER FAN 1:
We are the four crap fans in a British person’s loft,
and we are here to make absolutely no difference whatsoever.
5
TOWER FAN 1:
I know what you’re
thinking, lads:
6
TOWER FAN 1:
Surely this will be the year they finally replace us?
7
TOWER FAN 1:
Our plastic’s gone all brown... I haven’t oscillated since 2018...
8
TOWER FAN 1:
Dave here sounds like a spitfire and blows like a sad cat’s sigh…
TOWER FAN 2:
Cheers mate
9
TOWER FAN 1:
But no. These people are British, and every year, they forget the sun exists.
By the time they remember,
new fans will cost *four million pounds* on Amazon.
10
TOWER FAN 1:
So we’ll be back down there... shovelling thick air across the moaning faces of a species that cannot comprehend the concept of air conditioning, or even just closing the curtains when it’s hot out...
11
TOWER FAN 1:
...while they incessantly bang on about normally hot countries which this country is now temporarily a bit hotter than.
12
[The loft hatch opens and a person comes up the ladder]
PERSON:
APPARENTLY IT’S HOTTER THAN GREECE, LISA](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidbpfu2ioghspjcg4xitzv655jzjwp5lgxk5hi3ag7sechgh222ze)
