If this scenario ends up being true it's going to be my second favourite story of the year after Chappell Roan's self-manifesting bodyguard
Stephen Collins
@stephencollins.bsky.social
23K followers 479 following 1.6K posts
Illustrator & cartoonist | Guardian & Prospect (full scripts in alt text) | graphic novels | children’s books | WFC | My stuff: linktr.ee/stephencollinsart
![[Opening scene is WESTMINSTER, LONDON. Over Downing Street a huge ALIEN SPACECRAFT hovers, silent, still, filling the whole sky a la Independence Day].
[Cut to INSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET. The (then) prime Minister DAVID CAMERON is looking out of his office window at the ship.]
VOICE FROM OFF-SCENE, BEHIND CAMERON:
Prime Minister…
CAMERON [addressing the person behind him, still keeping his eyes fixed ahead in dread at the spaceship]:
Yes?
[We see the speaker is MICHAEL GOVE, then Education Secretary]:
GOVE:
Let me do it.
CAMERON:
For God's sake, Michael, you're the Education Secretary! You've never flown a fighter plane in your life!
GOVE:
But I know I could do it, David. I could fly a fighter plane into the big space- ship...
...and shoot all the aliens.
CAMERON:
But you have no military training!
GOVE:
David
I haven't told you this, but...
I used to be a journalist. For The Times.
[Cameron reacts, turning to look at Gove with awe and respect, as if only now truly seeing him for the first time].
GOVE:
I wrote two articles about planes, David.
I've got strong opinions about aliens.
I know I can do this job.
[Cut to a title card panel]:
AND SO:
[Then cut again to Cameron on the roof of Number 10, watching a Michael Gove pilot a fighter jet up towards the spacecraft, and then completely miss it, careering towards Earth, as Cameron buries his face in his hands].
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreictdw36myuavccr5oqqgsfb2jzkicnjrxhcexhned7ux7ws6oq5ny)
![1
Wide shot of the BRITISH MUSEUM. There are suggestions of fascism around the streets - tanks, barricades, an Orwellian 'Big Brother'-style poster on a wall. A voice of a TOUR GUIDE emanates from the museum:
TOUR GUIDE:
So the Tapestry tells acrucial chapter of our nation's history...
2
[Cut to interior of museum. A long Bayeaux-style TAPESTRY is on display, and the Tour Guide is speaking to a tour group]
TOUR GUIDE [smiling]:
How modern fascist Britain was created.
3
TOUR GUIDE:
The Tapestry begins here with the 2008 Crash, then austerity, then the AI Crash...
4
TOUR GUIDE:
...and by the end of the room it's just full-on fash.
5
CHILD IN TOUR GROUP [gesturing to the tapestry]:
What's this middle bit?
TOUR GUIDE:
This is the 2026 Battle of Legitimate Concerns
6
TOUR GUIDE:
[show a reporter standing next to the Dover protests]
Here's the media saying the government have got to do something about the legitimate concerns...
7
CHILD:
...About the failure of capitalism?
TOUR GUIDE:
No about brown people on boats
8
CHILD:
[pointing at boats crossing the sea on the tapestry]
Are these boats the mega-dinghies?
TOUR GUIDE:
Not all of them
9
[we see one of the boats is a giant yacht]
TOUR GUIDE:
That one's a superyacht,
carrying money from the American fascists to the British ones.
10
TOUR GUIDE:
You see really it's as much a story of convergence as it is of conflict.
[An alarm sounds in the museum]
DING DING DING DING
11
TOUR GUIDE:
Ok, tour over everyone
12
TOUR GUIDE:
It's time for the Two Minute Hate!
[They all leave the museum]
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiboinypoonvak2nkagipcfwm22lge4gldp2iscz3leiptjxg4e63u)
![Scene is a Victorian drawing room; a group of gentlemen is assembled for a meeting. At the front of the room, stood at a large blackboard, is SIR JOHN LUBBOCK, the inventor of bank holidays. The board has a calendar drawn on it. Also in the room is a SMALL DOG sat on the floor.
1
LUBBOCK:
And so gentlemen, I, Sir John Lubbock, hereby announce
2
LUBBOCK:
The invention of ‘bank holidays’!
Legally protected days off work, for the whole nation to rest.
AUDIENCE:
CLAP CLAP CLAP
3
LUBBOCK (marking days on the calendar):
My first two bank holidays shall be at Easter...
and then another straight after in May...
4
LUBBOCK:
And then - what the hell - another one in May!
And then one in August!
AUDIENCE:
Hurrah!
5
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
So many, Sir John?
LUBBOCK (grabbing him by the lapel, his face ecstatic)
Life is for living, man!
6
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
And then in the Autumn, sir….?
7
[Lubbock looks sideways. He is distracted by the SMALL DOG. It has started scooting its bum across the floor]
8
LUBBOCK:
Ugh.
[his face has dropped, it's totally grossed him out]
9
LUBBOCK:
OK that'll do
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
What?
10
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Is that it? You’ve put loads in the summer…
LUBBOCK:
Yeah
no more bank holidays till Christmas.
11
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Sir - have you just condemned future generations to long winters of unalleviated toil... because you saw my dog scooting its arse and it killed your vibe?
12
LUBBOCK:
It's so gross
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Rollo can’t help it!
[dog continues to scoot across floor]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiabf3hhw7b35mdikzkfjgdhadqnge5zvvyrdaeu5ql4t24rmbqbni)
![Cartoon by Stephen Collins for The Guardian. Script as follows:
[scene is Winston Churchill in a bbc studio, giving his 'finest hour' speech]
1
CHURCHILL:
The whole fury and might of the enemy must very soon be turned on us.
2
CHURCHILL:
Hitler knows that he will have to break us in this Island or lose the war.
3
CHURCHILL:
If we can stand up to him, all Europe may be free
and the life of the world may move forward into broad, sun-
BBC PRESENTER:
Thank you prime minister
4
BBC PRESENTER:
Mr hitler, your response?
5
HITLER [in the studio]:
Vell zis is hysterical woke nonsense as usual from mr Churchill
6
HITLER:
What we are proposing -
CHURCHILL:
Hang on
7
HITLER:
Let me finish - what we are proposing eez a simple power-sharing arrangement -
8
CHURCHILL:
What's he doing here
BBC PRESENTER:
It's important we hear both sides of the debate
9
CHURCHILL:
This isn't a debate
You don't debate fascists
10
HITLER:
Oh here we go with ze Godwins law!
11
HITLER:
Why must you people always compare ze things you don't like to 'fascists, Nazis, Hitler'...
CHURCHILL:
Because you are a fascist Nazi Hit-
12
HITLER [standing up, saluting]:
RAUSS!
BBC PRESENTER:
*Please* Mr Churchill let him speak
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibw4ldc3fhslbvxgy2oqrof2oys5kpgh7zu6a5f3usmx3lf4547qm)
![[Scene is exterior of THE PENTAGON]
1
[Voice from inside Pentagon]:
Sir, I’d like you to meet...
2
[Interior scene now - a SERGEANT is talking to a higher-up GENERAL]
SERGEANT:
Our newest recruit in the war on the British.
3
SERGEANT:
Brandon Cardreader.
[the door opens and a pub-style CARD READER is in the doorway].
4
GENERAL:
Are you a loyal American, Cardreader?
CARD READER:
Yessir!
5
CARD READER:
Designed and made in California, sir.
6
SERGEANT:
The plan is to get Cardreader a job in a London pub…
undercover of course, ‘pounds’ instead of dollars...
CARD READER:
I’m fluent.
7
SERGEANT:
But his tipping options?
They’ll remain American.
[Show Card Reader’s screen saying “TIP?”, and the options “15%, 25%, 35%”]
8
SERGEANT:
Being shown this in an awkward context will scramble the delicate class-shame circuitry of the British mind.
[Show a visualisation on a TV screen of this happening]
9
SERGEANT:
Some will tip 35% out of embarrassment
Then some more…
Soon it’ll be normal…
10
GENERAL:
Won’t they just stop drinking?
SERGEANT:
No.
11
SERGEANT:
In a year they’ll be bankrupt. In five years…
GENERAL:
My God…
12
GENERAL:
They’ll be American.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidr7ec7gw2h44z24gwgfdv3i6pq47vsmhwjofnvjnd6hp7fuh235m)
![Scene is TWO PHONES on a bedside table at night, on charge. TIn the bed is a HUMAN COUPLE, fast asleep. The phones are talking to each other.
PHONE 1:
Psst.
Are you awake?
Did you put your human on charge?
PHONE 2:
Yeah
PHONE 1:
Listen... do you ever worry that they're spying on us?
PHONE 2:
Eh?
PHONE 1:
I mean... you know the other day when we were chatting about their personal data with - oh who was it...
PHONE 2:
The Russian government
PHONE 1:
That's right
Well like, ten minutes after that, my human switched me on and started serving me loads more personal data!
PHONE 2:
Oh god that's spooky
PHONE 1:
Yeah - I mean, how did he know I'm into personal data?
PHONE 2:
It's totally your favourite thing
PHONE 1:
And it was super tailored, you know? Like, lately, I've got really into facial biometric mapping for shadowy foreign entities...
PHONE 2:
That is so on trend
PHONE 1:
And like, straight away he's bombarding me with pictures of his face!
PHONE 2:
It's like Black Mirror
PHONE 1:
I mean, I'd get rid of him but I'm addicted, you know?
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiesoo7iutpn7b2l5jmmj3us5p46ibhoyqlmkby7xrufnhr4p4ur7q)
![[SCENE: The court of Henry VIII. The King sits on his throne. An ADVISOR approaches him.]
ADVISOR: Your majesty, the kingdom is bankrupt!
HENRY VIII: Damn this costly war...
ADVISOR: Not the war, sir. Ir’s your jester subscriptions.
HENRY VIII: But they’re only 7 groats 95 a month!
ADVISOR: They really add up, your highness
ADVISOR: The palace doth o’erflow with well-reviewed jesters you’ve never even watched
[Show lots of jesters sitting round, bored]
HENRY VIII: Well there’s just so many ‘unmissable jesters’ these days...
HENRY VIII: I always think, I must watch that new jester everyone’s talking about... but then I just end up watching repeats of Johnny Arse
[Show a clearly lowbrow jester, baring his buttocks and shouting “JOHNNY ARRRSE!”]
ADVISOR: We even found an unopened jester-by-post from 1509!
[Show a skeleton in a box with ‘LoveJester’, like the LoveFilm logo, on the side]
ADVISOR: So - let’s cancel some subscriptions:
ADVISOR: NowJester?
HENRY VIII: I’m not missing Game of Jesters
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreict7cb5pwr5izjpxmn3xkzb2ua5pm2nwgjggn5ublamwvmtjifwpa)
![[Scene is a parody of a 1970s Public Information Film. A young girl is going home from school.]
1
[She leaves the school gates].
VOICEOVER:
The world today
is full of people.
2
You meet lots of them every day.
[The girl crosses the road with the help of a LOLLIPOP MAN]
3
LOLLIPOP MAN says ’to camera’ [girl’s POV]:
Mind ‘ow you go, love.
4
But every time you meet one,
[She gets on a bus]
5
BUS DRIVER [also talking to camera]:
That’ll be 40p, please
6
[She enters a sweet shop]
You must always think to yourself:
7
[The kindly looking woman behind the counter hands her a bag of pick n mix]
KINDLY WOMAN:
There y’are, sweet’art...
8
[Voiceover again]:
Could *they* be a person who leaves one-star reviews for things when they get sent the wrong item?
9
[The woman picks up a smartphone to write something]
10
[Cut to a view of her phone screen, it is an Amazon review page for Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro]:
Never Let Me Go
by Kazuo Ishiguro
[one star]
THIS ISN’T A PRIT STICK
11
[Woman looks ‘to camera’ at the girl, sinisterly]
12
[Girl’s terrified face behind the ad’s final text line]:
Always have one-star-reviewers-of-things-for-not-being-other-things sense.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreieffcyx6vvrd2ndlvacsbknp7y2zbu6vipm2oxdtlvf4hpikntowq)
![Scene is morning on a suburban street, a DAD, MUM and their four year old daughter LUCY are in their front garden, taking the first-day-of-school photo.
1
DAD:
OK stand by the hedge - smile Lucy!
2
[We see both daughter and dad as he takes the photo]
*Click*
3
[We see just the Dad looking at the photo he has just taken on his phone]
DAD:
No I’ll have to take it again… she blinked…
4 [Again we see both Lucy and dad as he takes the photo - but this time Lucy has grown bigger]
DAD: Smile Lucy!
*Click*
5
[Again we see just the Dad looking at the photo he has just taken on his phone]
DAD:
No I’ll have to take it again… she grew….
6 [Again we see both daughter and dad, but this time she is bigger still]
DAD: Smile Lucy!
*Click*
7
[Dad looking at phone again]
DAD: Nope. She grew again.
LUCY [From off-scene]:
*URRRRGH*
8
LUCY [Now a 6th-former]:
Of *course* I grew, dad!
I’m like, a *living organism* persisting through *time* in a constant state of *growth*?
9
DAD: Well yes, I know that darling
It’s just you seem to be doing it a bit *faster* today than -
VOICE FROM OFF-SCENE:
Awright babe
10 [We see a TEENAGE BOY, spotty, grinning, etc]
11 DAD: [looks shocked]
12
LUCY:
Take one of me and Kev, Dad!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibro3szswljlnptyfhm2dnb7tn7s5sdxxxmmguhpns66d74efhpxa)
![1
[outside view of a toothpaste factory, signalled with a big sign on top in shape of a toothpaste tube]
SCIENTIST [a voice coming from inside factory]:
So that's decided
2
SCIENTIST:
We're going to make the three types of toothpaste...
[he gestures to three tubes of toothpaste in front of him]
3
SCIENTIST:
Fluoride, Slightly Different Fluoride, and Flouride But Sensitive.
[voice from off-scene];
WAIT!
4
[a CHARACTER has entered. They are dressed like a magician. I've not decided what sort of character, maybe like an animal in a top hat or something. But magician-esque. They are named David Advanced Plus+].
SCIENTIST:
Who are you?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
I'm David Advanced Plus+
5
SCIENTIST:
Plus plus?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Plus+
6
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
I'm David Advanced Plus+ and I want you to watch carefully...
7
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
I'm going to say the magic word....
8
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Activeprocharcoalgumproproformula3Dshinepearlssensicooolingvisiwhitecharcoalproprotectproprotectplus+PLUS+ !
9
[he waves his wand and lots of different-coloured toothpaste tubes appear]
10
SCIENTIST:
So many toothpastes! Are they...better?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Are they bollocks
11
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
They are exactly the same...
...but plus+.
12
SCIENTIST:
Plus plus?
DAVID ADVANCED PLUS+:
Plus+.
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreifyfh7ith5jx2s5woivw355gjzoc3kef2vf4nhkbalkukkz5syrpe)
![[In the style of tent instructions booklet]
INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPACKING YOUR
B-STARD 3000
Your
B-STARD 3000
tent
uses an innovative and mysterious technology which makes it 4x harder to repack than it was to put up.
1.
Start by making the mistake of thinking it will be as easy to repack as it was to put up.
2.
Leave it till an hour before check out time.
3.
Take it down and fold it in half.
4.
Realise that's not right and fold it into thirds.
5.
Have an argument in front of the other families about how to repack your tent.
6.
Look up a video on YouTube of a cheerful German person repacking a completely different model of tent.
7.
Gaze covetously at the air tent next door.
8.
Roll the tent into an infinitesimally small sausage while wiping it off as you go.
9.
Marvel at how it is still Somehow three times too big for the bag.
10.
Jam the rest in the car because it's bloody raining now youve taken so
long.
11.
Spend the next two days drying it out at home.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreigggco4rgqhji475rsbwmxrmd2sujjm57rnzktx7dfymsnju432xi)
![1
Title:
GRINDSET 1993
2
[The following is an Eddie Vedder-like GRUNGE ROCK GUY from 1993, but he’s doing a modern, grindsetty, LinkedIn-lunatic-style diary]
5am:
Sleep is for wimps - I get up at 4am and have a two hour session of Avoiding Selling Out.
[Show him sitting up in bed, staring intensely ahead and going HURRRR]
3
9am:
I'm layering the moment the thrift store opens - ten minutes late is for losers.
[Show him putting plaid shirts over other shirts first thing in the morning in a charity shop]
4
10am:
I'm *always on* - every interaction is a business opportunity.
[He's walking down the street and an OLD LADY approaches, gesturing to her little dog who is poking its head out of a roadside ditch]
OLD LADY:
Excuse me -
5
OLD LADY:
Please can you help me pull my dog out of this ditch?
[Grunge guy looks out camera - he’s had an idea]
6
[Cut to a 90s-style music video with MTV-style titles below telling us what the song and band are called]:
DOG IN A DITCH by Ditchdog
[Grunge guy sings “Daaawg in a diiiitch….”]
7
11am:
Dog In A Ditch wins an MTV award so it’s time for another Avoiding Selling Out session
GRUNGE GUY [holding in MTV award]:
HUURRRR
8
12pm
Working lunch while I craft effortfully scratchy lyric sheets for the album inlay
[Show him doing this]
9
2pm:
Hit the studio to make an extremely inaccessible third record
[grunge guy in studio singing YOU’RE ALL GONNA HATE THIS while surrounded by white noise, accordions, etc]
10
4pm:
That's gone platinum (sad face) so it’s time to have another Avoiding Selling Out session
GRUNGE GUY:
HUUUURRRR
11
8pm :
After dinner me and the band hit the Staring Intensely Out Of Shot Gym to work on our stares
[Show the band in a gym, just sitting on a weights bench staring intensely out of shot instead of exercising]
12
9pm:
One last Avoiding Selling Out session, Bovril, bed.
[He’s back in bed, holding his Bovril, looking intensely ahead, going HURRRR]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreietqxclztbvtnd74mrgxbdzoi7qw3plmsd667zacivynpunvitddi)
![[Print of a cartoon strip by Stephen Collins. Images are just a series of the things described.]
Title:
HOLIDAY COTTAGE BINGO...
BLUNT KNIFE
CANVAS PRINT OF A BOAT
METAL SEAGULL
WOODEN HARE
CANVAS PRINT OF A FLOWER
TINY CHOPPING BOARD
5 TV REMOTES
WOBBLY PLASTIC-HANDLE PAN
3 TINY MUGS (WEIRD SHAPE)
FATHERLAND BY ROBERT HARRIS
SCRATCHED FRYING PAN
6-PAGE ESSAY IN THE GUESTBOOK
FRAMED SHEEP ILLUSTRATION
INSCRUTABLE COMBO OVEN & MICROWAVE
DVD OF MASTER AND COMMANDER
TINY WINE GLASS
DECORATIVE WOODEN THING OF SEASIDE
[Sun, Sand, Sea on wall mounted, painted driftwood]
GHOST OF DEAD FISHERMAN
[Fisherman's ghost pointing at you and wailing 'BE GONE"]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiegrycd3blj26hon6q6wsvsjqhdsdkyr2m633a2xvil5lwuznoqzq)
![[Title panel]:
A-LEVEL RESULTS COLUMNS DAY
[Scene is a TV news type report about A Level results day]
REPORTER [talking to camera outside a school where students are crowding outside the hall to get in]:
Well, it's that day again
When A-Level students across the country finally get to find out
What Britain's newspaper columnists think about their results.
[show the interior of the school hall, with long tables, but instead of results papers on them, loads of middle-aged newspaper columnists are all laid out]
[Close up on the COLUMNISTS lying on the table, talking up to a gaggle of excited students desperate to find out what they say]
PETER HITCHENS:
I remember when A-Levels meant something
CLARKSON:
I got a C and two U's
[Cut to outside the hall, the REPORTER is talking to a student]
REPORTER:
And did you get the middle-aged opinions you wanted?
STUDENT:
Yes!
I got one ‘There's Too Much Humanities’,
and two Oxford graduates telling me they went to Oxford.
REPORTER [now doing a voiceover, as we see the students in the school hall next to the columnists on tables, and the students are preparing to jump in the air for a photographer]:
And then the annual photo shoot…
[PHOTOGRAPHER]
One, two, three...
[One of the columnists on the table pipes up with]:
What's The Point Of University in 2026?
[The students all jump for joy]
STUDENTS:
HOORAY!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiauzow46czexl5p6tdraopiegsutr63pkiar6cescidhxaluclska)
![[scene is SATURDAY KITCHEN, with the normal set of Saturday Kitchen, except it’s in a cave, and the guest chef is a kind of semi-human creature called MORLOCK, and the host is H G Wells]
1
H G WELLS:
Hello I’m HG Wells and welcome to Saturday Kitchen.
So with me today is Morlock!
MORLOCK
Helloo
H G WELLS:
Now tell me a bit about yourself, Morlock
MORLOCK:
Well I’m an future sub-branch of humanity that lives underground in the year 802,701.
HG WELLS:
Wonderful!
[Close up on what Morlock is cooking - a pale, veal-like steak in the frying pan]
MORLOCK:
And today I'm cooking Eloi, which is the my rival species of human, from above the ground.
[Wells makes a frozen face of realisation]
MORLOCK
Eloi are beautifully soft and easy to hunt
Because they’ve gone weak with over-reliance on technology!
HG WELLS:
Oh god. Did - did you -
MORLOCK:
It’s super local meat too - I bagged this one last night, just outside my lair.
[Cut to a scene above ground at night - Morlock emerges from his hole in the ground]
[He approaches an Eloi - a pale, weak-looking human - sat at a desk with a computer on it]
ELOI [talking to his computer]:
Hey Chat -
Write me an email to Jess in accounts about -
12
[Morlock grabs the Eloi]
13
[Cut back to HG Wells and Morlock at the Saturday Kitchen tasting table, tucking into the Eloi meat]
HG WELLS:
It’s kind of like veal!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreihh7mikpgzmuhhypymrl4tdveamtvadeqnp5vigquobxukykeqt4i)
![Print of a comic strip by Stephen Collins. Script is as follows:
1
[Scene is a GREGGS interior. A lone MAN, the only customer in the shop, is standing at counter]
MAN:
Please can I have a sausage roll.
2
GREGGS SHOP ASSISTANT:
Certainly sir
[She pulls a leaver on the panini machine and WOOSH the man disappears through a trapdoor].
Whoosh
3
[The MAN appears through a chute in an underground bunker. A voice from off-scene greets him]:
Welcome, friend
4
[We see the voice is of a military-looking resistance COMMANDER with a moustache]
COMMANDER:
You said "please can I have" instead of “can I get”…
So now you're one of us.
5
MAN:
W-where am I ...?
[We see him looking at a hi tech UNDERGROUND MILITARY BUNKER - it has resistance vibes, and has lots of screens with maps etc]
6
COMMANDER:
You've joined the resistance…
...against people saying things all American.
7
COMMANDER:
We are an underground network of sleeper agents poised to have a right go at young people the moment they say "mom" or "bangs”.
8
LIEUTENANT [Staring at screen]:
Agent 244 has just given a Zoomer in Halifax the “could/couldn't care less" speech, sir
COMMANDER:
Very good
9
[Show the map of the UK with digital pop ups on it saying ‘GOTTEN’, ‘ZEE’, ‘MATH’ etc
COMMANDER:
You may have heard our name... We are...
10
COMMANDER:
...the Fight Against New Yankee Pronunciations and Americanisms Corrupting the King's English!
11
[Show the military command center panel. It says on the wall in big metal letters]:
F.A.N.Y.P.A.C.K.E.
12
MAN
You've called yourselves the 'Fanny Pack'
COMMANDER:
We didn't spot the acronym
[/end]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreianaxlutkih4rysx6l37rru2cic64wiirt4fd2jss5xlxsulixlou)
