Reposted by stickydrawer
I have blamed
The agents
That hacked
Your website
And which
You probably
Reasonably thought
I controlled
Forgive me
I am rich
And unaccustomed
To taking responsibility
stickydrawer
@stickydrawer.bsky.social
50 followers 46 following 228 posts
The blunt end of the pencil, the sharp end of the rubber, sometimes cake, often tea. Never pikelets. Can be hired for summer fetes and wedding receptions. One half of the Whinging Eights a capella quartet.
![[Scene is a JOB INTERVIEW. The bosses taking the interview are FATHER and MOTHER CHRISTMAS. In the chair across the desk from is the interviewee: RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER, sitting legs crossed. Rudolph is effusive and expressive with his hands / hooves.]
RUDOLPH:
...and in addition to my sleigh-pulling experience, l just genuinely love working with other reindeer. I mean I'm a real 'reindeer reindeer' you know? Haha!
FATHER CHRISTMAS [Looking delighted]:
Wonderful! Well, I think we've found our candidate...
So, uh...
Rudolph with your nose so bright...
...won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
[A chilly pause. We focus on Rudolph, who folds his arms, looks away in silent fury, his nose casting light about the room as he does so. He drags his eyes back to Father Christmas, his expression now of pure, cold contempt.]
RUDOLPH:
So this is about my nose.
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
One of my bulbs has gone.
RUDOLPH:
Go to Halfords!
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
It's closed till Tuesday.
RUDOLPH:
No, right, OK... I get it... this is like a narrative thing for you, isn't it?
[Rolling his eyes, gesticulating, getting more angry as he begins to rant]:
Like...powerful white male saves the shunned outsider by making a gimmick of their difference?
[We see Father and Mother Christmas looking awkward, a bit scared, askance at each other]
RUDOLPH:
So in your head, what, like, the other reindeer who've bullied me my whole life will suddenly start respecting Mr Fog Lamp up front?
[Rudolph is waving his hooves now]
I mean, I notice you haven't interviewed my AUNTY for this job. Rita the Red-Arsed Reindeer? She applied!
Her nose is even brighter than mine, but because the disease has spread to her ARSE she's not the right KIND of diversity mascot...
[Finally Rudolph stands up, knocking his chair backwards. Father Christmas looks shocked, Mother Christmas looks terrified.]
RUDOLPH:
This is BULLSHIT!
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
SECURITY...!
[A little Elf enters to tackle Rudolph]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreie3mb32pphq6abkfu4w62sikexg3dtwyw3qgcrfdcwhoi3o7gbleu)
![[Scene is a 19th century drawing room with a sign outside saying TRANSPORT INVENTORS CLUB. Inside, the German Engineer KARL BENZ is addressing a meeting of gentlemen about his new transport idea]
1
KARL BENZ:
OK guys - you’re gonna love this
2
KARL BENZ:
So it’s like, a box made of metal that goes at up to 120 miles an hour, yeah?
[Karl shows them a diagram of a car]
3
KARL BENZ:
And your drive it down one side of the road, and the boxes going the other way go on the opposite side, so we don’t need to build two roads!
4
OTHER GUY:
What’s down the middle?
KARL BENZ:
A white line.
5
OTHER GUY:
So like, a white barrier…
KARL BENZ:
No a white line. Drawn on the floor.
6
OTHER GUY:
And who’s piloting these machines?
KARL BENZ:
I was thinking: random members of the public.
7
[Pause, the other guys all look with concern at Karl]
8
OTHER GUY:
Karl are you OK
KARL BENZ:
No listen it’s fine
9
OTHER GUY:
You know we’re worried about you, don’t you?
KARL BENZ:
No really it’ll work -
10
KARL BENZ:
Once hundreds of millions of people have died and the world’s started ending because of the fumes it’ll all be normal.
11
OTHER GUY:
Is that normal like the ‘commuter travel device’ you brought in last week which was just…
12
OTHER GUY:
…an iron maiden fired from a catapult?
[The other guy displays a diagram of an iron maiden being fired from a catapult]
KARL BENZ:
THAT WOULD’VE WORKED!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreigv3wx7vaalu3tqpjbe5ravgkik4gltgjzedzumolfdkst6poaejq)
![Cartoon by Stephen Collins - here's the script:
1 [Title panel]
Changes to our Airport Drop Off Fees
2
Please note from August 2nd we will be charging a Dropping Mum Off At The Airport fee of £6.00
3
Please note from August 3rd we will be charging a Dropping Mum Off By Drone fee of £6.50
4
Please note from August 4th we will be charging a Firing Mum At The Airport From A Cannon fee of £7.00
5
Please note from August 5th we will be charging a Get Mum To Start Tunnelling To The Airport Four Years Before Her Holiday fee of £7.50
6
Please note from August 6th we will be charging a Getting Mum Bitten By A Vampire Show She Can Fly In As A Bat fee of £8.00
7
Please note from August 8th we will be charging a Dressing Mum Up As A Pilot And Dropping Her Off In A 747 So It Just Looks Like We Took A Wrong Turn fee of £8.50
8
Please note from August 9th we will be charging a Blowing Up The Fence And Telling Mum To Run Mum For God’s Sake Run fee of £9.00
9
[Show a couple Man and Woman doing this - a hole blown in the airport fence, while they shout at Mum]:
Man:
RUN MUM FOR GOD’S SAKE RUUUUN
10
[pause as they watch her running across the runways]
11
Man:
THAT’S IT MUM.
UP THE LANDING GEAR.
12
Woman [Looking at a drop off charges sign]:
Oh they’re charging for this now
Man:
You’re joking
[Police arrive in background to arrest them]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreig54ca4v4gpuj53bapal7fdudxr3llsx6et4tltg6bcpvtfonsqqa)
![1
[show exterior of a comprehensive primary school, voice of TEACHER taking assembly emanating from it]:
TEACHER:
Ok children
2
[Interior of school hall, TEACHER is taking school ASSEMBLY]
TEACHER:
Now the next hymn we're going to sing is one of your favourites...
3
[she puts the words to a hymn up on the interactive whiteboard. It's title is]:
'Better-Off Families Should Pay Less For Their Summer Holidays'
CHILDREN;
Yay!
4
[the children all sing]:
God made the cloud of starlings
God made the flock of sheep
5
God made the kids at private school
Get holidays for cheap
6
God made the herds of Land Rovers
That stream across the plain
7
Two weeks before the rest of us
For cut-price stays in Spain!
[show exterior of the school, while Land Rovers stream past it down the road, with surfboards and bikes on top]
8
God made the two-tier system
God made the Hidden Hand
9
God made two weeks in Bog-nor
Cost upwards of two grand!
11
Aaaaaaa-meeeeeen...!
12
TEACHER:
Very good children
[show exterior scene again, Land Rovers etc]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreia5wmxguqfmnxju56hohubuk6r7yblfbavly4ghk2hbs27m3kmvkq)
![Cartoon script: comic strip for Prospect magazine, by Stephen Collins:
[Scene is a suburban house. We hear a conversation coming from inside it, with the voice of the MAN who owns the house]
1
MAN:
…You only installed it two years ago!
2
[Interior scene now, we can see the MAN is talking to the GLAZIER who has come to inspect a very oddly-placed window in the man’s wall]
GLAZIER:
Yeah I can see there’s been a bit of movement in the casing…
3
MAN:
A bit of *movement in the casing*?
4
MAN:
It used to be in the bloody middle!
[The window, we see, is strangely positioned right next to the wall]
5
GLAZIER:
Well, you went for the budget line mate.
MAN:
What?
6
MAN:
Your budget windows *move across the wall*?
GLAZIER:
If you get comfortable with fascism, yeah.
MAN:
*What*?
7
GLAZIER:
Look mate, we told you up front:
Premium triple-glazed, Standard UPVC, and our budget line: ‘Overton’.
8
GLAZIER:
Which can move to the left or right depending on the political acceptability of fringe views at any given time.
9
MAN:
And what’ll it cost to put it back?
GLAZIER:
Pffff
10
GLAZIER:
Maybe a third World War?](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiefoyhlc2cml34rsmpvuinypllzyctegbgngrffuatqc4xw6cx2nm)
