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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social

@smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social
271 followers 129 following 274 posts

A caffeine based life form whose blood pressure has returned to normal since retiring from teaching middle school. I think dogs are awesome, and I try to laugh as things go, because before you know it, it's c-pap machines, night guards & compression socks.

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Reposted by @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social
No Dictators-No Kings🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊 @autocratssuck.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
🤣😂🤣
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Bruce Coffman @brucecoffman.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
BBQ sauce on fried fish filets is not your friend and whatever part of my brain decided it might be is fired.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
When you’re feeling low and life’s getting you down just remember there are people who Febreze their clothing instead of doing laundry. I'm not naming names, but you know who you are.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
The historic architectural style of this spiral staircase is not only beautiful, elegant, but also oddly familiar.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
Was her name Virginia? I think that was my mom.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
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Gianmarco Soresi @gianmarcosoresi.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
I got a container of soup that quoted Virginia Woolf on the lid saying “soup is cuisine’s kindest course” which is nice but surely there’s someone who said something positive about soup that didn’t walk into the ocean with rocks in their pockets
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Never trust anyone who can parallel park without having to turn down the radio.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
My mom still worries that some day I may end up living down by the river in a van, licking discarded candy wrappers for nourishment. I do my best to assuage her concern. A van by the river is still waterfront property.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
Once you accept, truly in your heart, that the laundry is never done, then you will know peace.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 20/09/2026
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Jason Wiley 🏳️‍🌈 @jayd456.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
November 3rd.... We Are David!!!
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 20/09/2026
Telling someone that their baby is ugly is one of the biggest faux pas you can ever commit. This is the kind of thing that you need to keep inside. Never, under any circumstances is it okay to tell someone that their precious newborn baby girl looks like Winston Churchill. I know this now.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
When I was 19, I could mix tequila, vodka, and whiskey. Nowadays I have to be careful which creamers I use in my coffee or I'll shit my pants.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 13/09/2026
Is it Graham Nash or Ruth Bader-Ginsburg?
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The Whimsical Muse @whimsicalmuse.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
If you don’t occasionally treat yourself to a day of exploring used bookstores, greenhouses, libraries, cafés, and bakeries, then what’s the point of anything really?
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Julie Lavender Menace @2tickytacky.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
I'm probably being paranoid, but I think this waitress seated me in an isolated area away from the other patrons. Right now I'm sitting criss-cross applesauce behind a mop bucket and a swiffer.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
If I can pee into a tiny cup at the doctor’s office that I have to hold myself, why can’t men pee into a giant bowl bolted to the floor?
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Katie @rebelrouser1962.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
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Katie @rebelrouser1962.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
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Jonathan Edward Durham @thisone0verhere.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
Every night I go to bed thinking I have seen the dumbest shit I’ll ever see in my life and every morning I am wrong before I’ve even finished my coffee
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
The guy behind me honked because I was doing 65 in a 65 so now we are both doing 40. Welcome to menopause Kevin.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
“Nobody’s going anywhere until you two work this out.”
A dog sits staring at the upright vacuum cleaner facing them.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair.
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SlenderSherbet @slendersherbet.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
When they call your name in a work meeting and you weren't listening.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 04/09/2026
I've put on some weights since I bought these Victoria's secret panties, I can tell because the name on the waist band looks like V. I. C. T. O. R. I. A. 'S. S. E. C. R. E. T
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
I love it when doctors say, "Avoid stress," like I can just unsubscribe from life and become a decorative gargoyle.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
"I recently bought a toilet brush... Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper."
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
Let's face it. Anything with raisins in it would be ten times better with chocolate chips instead. For example: a box of raisins.
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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
grammar was more important in the days of you’re
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A.L. likely @alvildalikely.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
You can keep that old heart of mine, it was broken anyway. I’m going to get a new one. A better one. One with pockets.
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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
omg how do they know
A sign in a grassy area reads "You are here" with three prohibition icons below it, indicating no smoking, no littering, and no open flames.
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fravery.bsky.social @fravery.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” — Oscar Wilde Richard Nadler artwork
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
When you see someone wearing camouflage make sure you bump into them so they know it's working.
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ContempraInn 🌹 @contemprainn.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
Dogs and their love of sticks
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The Volatile Mermaid @ohnoshetwitnt.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
I miss the great American pastime of eating and drinking without always worrying that it might kill us.
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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
everybody had their dumb ideas, but alex knew there was only one way to catch a gator
a person in a pink shirt and jeans lowers a young child into running water with a rope looped under their arms as a dog looks on
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 30/08/2026
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
So disappointed, The woman talking on speakerphone in line at Price Chopper left before I found out if Jen called that idiot Steve back.
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
People in line who don’t move up when the line moves up and there is room to move up, why?
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 29/08/2026
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 28/08/2026
I feel like there's a sleep in me that needs to be slept, but everytime I sleep, I don't sleep that sleep.
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Jonathan Edward Durham @thisone0verhere.bsky.social · 27/08/2026
Can’t tell you how badly I needed this laugh omg
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smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social @smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social · 27/08/2026
Hot singles over 50 in your area are interested in treatments for irritable bowel syndrome.
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Damnit Janet @damnitjanet.bsky.social · 26/08/2026
Folks who step off a bus then stop dead to light a cigarette while a bunch of people trip up behind them are the reason I should be carrying an airhorn
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James Damron @runswindows95.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
I knew something was about to happen when they brought out the pool of creamed corn at the nursing home.
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