Reposted by simonvirr.bsky.social
The world still exists.
It just happens that the forces that think "we could monetize people having this problem" are winning vs the forces that think "we could help people having this problem."
And the forces that thought "we could prevent this problem in the first place" are long dead.
![Scene is a LONGBOAT sailing on the sea. It is all drawn in the style of the Bayeaux Tapestry. A voice is coming from the boat:
Owwww
Uuuuuuurgh
Ooooooooh
[Scene changes to on the deck of the boat - still drawn like the Bayeaux Tapestry. A SOLDIER is talking to HAROLD, who is lying on the deck of the boat, with the arrow in his eye.]
SOLDIER:
For God's sake stop it Harold!
HAROLD:
Oh I'm sorry. It's not like I've got an ARROW IN MY EYE or anything
SOLDIER:
Look, we discussed this. The arrow is your thing. People want to see the arrow.
HAROLD:
It's been in there for 950 years. I should really see a doctor
SOLDIER:
No! We are travelling to England to be displayed in the British Museum.
What do you think people would say if you didn't have your arrow in?
HAROLD:
I don't care. I want it taken out. It hurts.
SOLDIER:
No.
HAROLD:
But I could get it seen to in England! The NHS has some of the best tapestry eye surgeons in the world!
SOLDIER:
Oh right, I get it, so this is health tourism...
HAROLD:
Duh, no, cos I'm Anglo Saxon?
SOLDIER:
Ohmigod you sound so Brexit
[Silent pause,, they cotuinue to sail]
HAROLD:
Uuuurgh
SOLDIER:
SHUT UP
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreib7o5h7pjb446tk4kbiwrkkzdvg7xoq3hw3qankxh6nvyaka6keum)
![[Scene is KEIR STARMER as FATHER CHRISTMAS in his factory, with RACHEL REEVES as an awkward-looking Head Elf]
1
FATHER KEIR:
Well, well, well!
[Elf Reeves is holding an enormous sack of letters]
2
FATHER KEIR:
Look at all these letters of membership cancellation!
ELF REEVES:
More than ever this year
3
[Father Keir reads one out:]
“Dear Father Keir
I am writing to cancel my Labour Party membership…”
Awww how sweet
4
“I have truly believed for 40 years, but now I’ve had enough.”
5
“Please please please this year can you deliver some policies that aren’t craven right wing bullshit?”
6
FATHER KEIR:
Well, I think we know what to give this good boy don’t we?
Elf Mahmood!
7
[Show SHABANA MAHMOOD as an elf poking her head round a doorway to afactory full of busy elves, above the door is a wooden sign reading CRAVEN RIGHTWING BULLSHIT FACTORY]
ELF MAHMOOD:
What.
8
FATHER KEIR:
Do we have any performatively cruel immigration stuff left?
9
ELF MAHMOOD:
We've got ‘stealing their belongings and a 20-year wait for settled status’…?
10
FATHER KEIR:
In the sack, please!
[Elves Mahmood and Reeves push the big sack into the sleigh as father Keir climbs in the driver’s seat]
11
And off we goooo!
[He wooshes off into the snowy polar night]
12
[Cut to a person’s LIVING ROOM - a man and a woman are looking in their stockings - the man looks disappointed]
WOMAN:
Is it not what you wanted
MAN:
Not really, no
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreid3i66ptsq5hvcwqftxwpr5hetglcixslpbskhsigu7t6c7bng3uq)
![1
[A spoof advert for a life management app. It opens with a glossy, sorted-looking person smugly addressing us]
Hey there.
2
Feeling the January panic already?
3
[Title panel]
Then sign up for Stressifyly today.
4
[Show the app on a phone]
Stressifyly
(We couldn't decide between ‘Stressly' and ‘Stressify')
5
Stressifyly is the cute stress-management app that has given up pretending it's all ok.
[the rest of the advert depicts on-screen app tools a la Headspace / Liven / Grammarly etc]
6
Complete your daily freak-out rings
'You've nearly been anxious all day!'
7
Get daily reminders to your devices
[A woman jogging, her watch saying to her: "Hey! You should’ve met the right guy by now."]
8
Use innovative visualisation tools
[Show a visualisation of a mountain of work: ‘your work mountain / you’ next to a tiny person]
9
Delve into our ambient sound library
[Listening to a recording called ‘The background hum of global decline’ illustrated with an image of trump, putin, a robot, flames etc]
10
Chat to our AI Berater Buddy to start manifesting failure
[AI person on phone]:
You’re gonna cock this up
[Person holding phone, eyes closed]
I’m gonna cock this up
11
Do some journaling thing as if that will somehow help
[person typing a journal entry on phone: "Today I had too many difficult things to do"
12
And generally pay us to tell you that adult life will go away if you just fiddle around with your phone some more
12
[Advert ending image]:
Stressifyly:
Stay underwater.
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibpkdjyy7n42ektwrasgu6fjhqo6tuwhh3jfctdmowmmjbzv5rr4u)
