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hansen9jackolantern

@hansen9j.bsky.social
375 followers 86 following 4.2K posts

Accountant. Opinions are my own. Dad to Xander & Katie, husband to Denelle. He/him. Regina, SK. On my second bottle of Da Bomb hot sauce. #GoPackGo #LetsGoRiders #BlueJays

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Reposted by hansen9jackolantern
victoria zeller🫛 (RISEBALL, summer ‘27) @dirtbagqueer.rocks · 30m
YOURE THE REPORTER YOU BLANK EYED DULLARD
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 1h
It’ll give her the soggies, if you know what I mean
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Craig Calcaterra @craigcalcaterra.bsky.social · 6h
🎶 Doesn't matter had sex 🎶
The Columbus Dispatch: "Hundreds in Ohio sickened by sexually transmitted diarrhea disease"
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Seth Rosenthal @sethrosenthal.bsky.social · 3h
the internet is so poisonous in so many ways but there’s something lovely about going online and learning there are people whose brains work exactly like mine
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 2h
Will do!
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 2h
hey Aaron guess where I’ll be all weekend
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 12h
Edmonton I am in you!
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victoria zeller🫛 (RISEBALL, summer ‘27) @dirtbagqueer.rocks · 15h
nothing is better than buying a shirt on a whim, completely forgetting you did it, and having it show up a week later
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Luke Knox @lukeknox.me · 15h
firing Bibberty into the sun like young Andy Reid
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 20h
As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a Digger
Digger, Goodfellas (rewatch), Primetime (no relation), Supergirl
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Professor Edward Birack @nicosan1.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
Many people do not know this, but the bagels in California are the best bagels outside of Canada
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Joe Sheehan @sheehannewsletter.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
The idea that pitchers need MORE rest in October is a conclusion you could only reach if you never watched baseball. The playoff schedule already produces a warped, distorted version of the game. Adding off days would make the things we have hated over the last week even more prevalent.
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Rodger Sherman @rodger.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
Jerry Jones on why he traded Micah Parsons: We need to stop the run
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
too soon
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Ryan Nanni @celebrityhottub.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
do you know who else has four playoff wins since 2006 ANDREW LUCK NICK FOLES KURT WARNER JIMMY GODDAMN GAROPPOLO MARK SANCHEZ!!!!!!!!
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Ryan Nanni @celebrityhottub.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
The Cowboys have basically had 20 years of excellent quarterback play from one guy who went undrafted and another who they took with a 4th rounder and in return they have FOUR playoff wins to show for it
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Ryan Nanni @celebrityhottub.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
Dak Prescott, resilient but unlucky Panthers QB would be beloved and we would insist that the NFL do something to reward him instead, well
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
brian
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DrawPlayDave @thedrawplay.com · 09/10/2026
CeeDee Lamb if he was born in different eras: Cahsette Lamb Vynul Lamb Eyepod Lamb Spotifeye Lamb Foneograpf Lamb Zune Lamb
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No Escalators @noescalators.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
Are you doing your part? Enlist today! 🪏🪏🪏
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gwen howerton @kissphoria.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
posts on this website when the onion makes fun of republicans: omg the onion is freaking back y'all. this wins the internet! posts on this website when the onion makes fun of democrats: First Of All Democracy Is At Stake,
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Craig Calcaterra @craigcalcaterra.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
One of my subscribers made an observation about the quality of the Atlanta offense in the past few postseasons:
Ronald Acuna in the playoffs since 2023: 132/298/158 in 47 PA

Matt Olson in the playoffs since 2023: 176/218/235 in 51 PA

John Smoltz career playoff batting line for Atlanta: 214/254/232 in 64 PA

Tom Glavine career playoff batting line for Atlanta: 185/254/241 in 64 PA
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lauren @lauren.rotatingsandwiches.com · 08/10/2026
"every team's fanbase has dumb chuds and they're not representative of the group overall" vs "the most stereotypical yankees fans who have ever lived keep humiliating themselves and their team on live television in the postseason"
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
I get that a lot
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
many are saying it’s the best day to be born
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
[extreme rammstein voice] Moose Haas
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
I can’t believe this is not inaccurate
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
pictured, me at the last series the Yankees lost
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Suss-- 🥌 @suss2hyphens.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
“No Way To Prevent This,” Says Only Ballpark Where This Regularly Happens
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Aaron Cameron @thatbootlegguy.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
Went into this series rooting for Braves, but that dumb and racist chop - with gratuitous camera shots of fans doing it - pisses me off something fierce. Likable dudes up and down that roster and 40,000-some bums being bums got me rooting against them 🤷🏾‍♂️
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
The smart person from Winnipeg
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victoria zeller🫛 (RISEBALL, summer ‘27) @dirtbagqueer.rocks · 07/10/2026
THIS IS WHAT KILLS ME WE HAVE A SYSTEM FOR THIS!!!!!
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Frankenbert Graveyardko @albertburneko.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
the instructions he gave the AI were almost certainly longer and more detailed and took more time to craft than the message that ended up on the card, and this motherfucker failed at both
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Joe Sheehan @sheehannewsletter.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
Braves third-string rookie shortstop, Jim Jarvis, in 2026: .207/.267/.297 All MLB hitters in the Division Series: .184/.269/.294
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BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL AKA PRESIDENT FOOTBALL @edsbs.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
keeping a list of why I mute/block people and gotta admit they're all classics
Three cueing 
Word association 
Word association 
Follows a million people 
Did you mean???
So lame a reply I had to mute
Resistlib Posting 
Mistaken word ain’t that funny/cute no fuck you 
Follows a million people 
Just a fucking idiot 
Resistlib posting
Resistlib posting 
I just hated that reply so much I never wanted to hear from you again 
CanadaLibPosting
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BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL AKA PRESIDENT FOOTBALL @edsbs.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
1. sports are for everyone or they're for no one at all 2. that is an INCREDIBLE shirt arktimes.com/food-and-cul...
arktimes.com
Can a Black gay man still call the hogs? - Arkansas Times
White heteronormativity has long dominated the University of Arkansas. What does that mean for Black gay Arkansans?
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
As an owner of the Green Bay Packers …okay you might have a point
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victoria zeller🫛 (RISEBALL, summer ‘27) @dirtbagqueer.rocks · 07/10/2026
your offensive coordinator should look like one of mr beast’s friends
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Aaron Cameron @thatbootlegguy.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
The amount of AI slop signage inside Petco Park - universally considered one of MLB's crown jewels! - is an absolute embarrassment. Good grief.
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bobo tucci @no-flashlight.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
Yoshinobu Yamamoto looking like a baddie with the infamous Josh Reddick tweet superimposed over him: “How do you give a guy $325 million without ever throwing a pitch in MLB”
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
Good to know!
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Mike Gianella @mikegianella.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
the best thing about pitchers hitting was those fancy jackets they wore when they ran the bases
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Standplaats Kraków could really use some cash! @standplaatskrk.pl · 06/10/2026
Shane (@shane_oaddo) on twitter: "Being a wright brothers hater must’ve been so crazy, you think ur about to watch 2 annoying nerds die then they give man dominion over the sky forever"
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Defector @defector.com · 06/10/2026
Will Matthew Mayich’s collapse change anything? defector.com/will-matthew...
defector.com
Will Matthew Mayich’s Collapse Change Anything? | Defector
The Arizona State hockey team plays their home opener on Friday, but hanging over their season, and the entire program, will be what happened to defenseman Matthew Mayich. At an outdoor,…
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TAPE @tapemachines.bsky.social · 06/10/2026
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toilet bones @toiletbones.bsky.social · 06/10/2026
Found the email I sent when I got accidentally added to the faculty listserv of an orthopedic surgery clinic and nobody would remove me so I sent this email to all faculty/staff/med students and they removed me almost immediately
Hello Bone Colleagues, 
I have invented a new type of ankle and I'm very excited to show it to you. Early raccoon trials suggest a 60% increase in scurrying speed and dramatic increases in fine motor banditry. I know we are not supposed to create super raccoons, but I think you'll change your mind and professional ethics when you see how cute they are. I believe we are on the cusp of a new era in advanced human scurrying because if medical science has taught me anything, it's that improvements in raccoons correspond 1:1 to improvements in humans. 

--
[My name]
Chief Bone Inventor
Chair, Department of Foot and Leg Innovation
Lord Mayor, Musculoskeletal Medicine 
Hartford HealthCare,
The Bone & Joint Institute at Hartford Hospital.
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 06/10/2026
you’ve been reading my fanfic again
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victoria zeller🫛 (RISEBALL, summer ‘27) @dirtbagqueer.rocks · 06/10/2026
falcons rolling up on the superdome for the 20th anniversary of katrina like
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 06/10/2026
we somehow have an absolutely top tier imax theatre, it’s so weird
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hansen9jackolantern @hansen9j.bsky.social · 06/10/2026
Fuck all y’all, Digger was great
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