The Onion @theonion.com · 03/11/2025Mike Johnson: ‘My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor’ 858295737773
Jeff Powers @jpatcv.bsky.social · 04/11/2025I think he secretly jacks off when his wife is busy doing charity work for the DAR. 030
Helioscrivener @helioscrivener.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Narrator's voice: Mr. Johnson would go on to require emergency treatment for an injury to his penis sustained during the course of masturbation 120
DarLee @thedlee.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Anyone that self righteous, so judgemental, AND willing to lie so easily has some really dark shit in their closet. I can't wait for it to come out so he'll sit his fake ass down somewhere. 090
Kat K 🐾🐾 @hihkatharine.bsky.social · 04/11/2025He’s fully aware of everyone’s genitals and what they are doing with them but has no idea that kids are starving and people can’t afford next year’s health insurance premiums. 030
Hudson Heights @hudsonheights.bsky.social · 04/11/2025That line between satire and reality just gets thinner by the day … 020
Claude the Irregular Dragon (TM) @ruprecht-monkeeboy.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Sorry Mike Johnson. You can't be a Christian and a Republican. They are mutually exclusive. You made your choice, and it's hell and gone from the teachings of Christ! 1582
Morbidly a Beast ↗️ @mike-steaks.bsky.social · 04/11/2025it's more about not jacking off *as much* 050
Ronald van den Hoorn @vandenhoorn.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Isn’t he the guy jacking off with his son while watching internet porn? 🤷🏼♂️ 120
Watching for cooler temps @birch19rd.bsky.social · 04/11/2025That’s what he thinks makes him a Christian! I never read where Jesus said Go and never jack off. I believe Jesus said Feed my sheep. 120
cam8721.bsky.social @cam8721.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Scumbag won't seat my Rep. Adelita Grijalva ! GO TO HELL YOU POS ! 050
Julia Dilliard💙🐴🇺🇦#Resist. DM's are blocked. @juliadilliard.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Johnson is a christian nationalist which is rooted in racism, bigotry and misogyny wrapped in a very thin veneer of religiosity to give it some moral authority. It has nothing to do with the teachings of Jesus. 0112
Noreen @ducknor.bsky.social · 03/11/2025His smirk, his smug face makes him look like Mr Jack Off. I loathe little johnson 030
4gabriel.bsky.social @4gabriel.bsky.social · 04/11/2025media.tenor.coma blonde woman is sitting in a kitchen with the words `` sure , jan . '' written on her face .ALT: a blonde woman is sitting in a kitchen with the words `` sure , jan . '' written on her face . 010
Post Mortem 11 (Redacted) @postmortem11.bsky.social · 03/11/2025It is No nut November… too bad Mikey already failed… 050
Rap Bastardz® @rapbastardz.bsky.social · 03/11/2025There’s no way he can even get that part right. 060
glassdarkly @dyode.bsky.social · 04/11/2025More like: Jacking off while watching the poor starve. Sounds like an episode of Trump's Cheerleaders. 010
Daniel Connerton @lordnad.bsky.social · 04/11/2025www.rollingstone.com/politics/pol...rollingstone.comMike Johnson Admits He and His Son Monitor Each Other's Porn Intake in Resurfaced VideoSpeaker of the House Mike Johnson admitted that he and his son monitored each other’s porn intake in a resurfaced clip from 2022. 03910
kenfinch.bsky.social @kenfinch.bsky.social · 03/11/2025I’m pretty sure this isn’t humor, but the truth. 060
Just Frank @oldfrank999.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Mikie, you are jacking off by not feeding the poor 020
Gregory Harp @harpeggio.bsky.social · 04/11/2025I realize this is satire yet I suspect this is a pretty accurate statement. 070
L’Ogles @lakelight.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Here’s how I get off…googling Baptist Convention Lawsuit, Latter Day Saints Lawsuit, Catholic Church Lawsuit, Boy Scouts of America Lawsuit. So satisfying. So far the Satanic Temple is just bringing lawsuits, not getting sued. This #Epsteinshutdown is getting old 051
GAGA think tank official @thetrumpfanno1.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Mike Johnson's faith is about forgiving. Forgiveness means to help criminals to avoid punishment. Especially to help pedophiles. 030
wovennoodle.bsky.social @wovennoodle.bsky.social · 04/11/2025That is a good one!! He’s the ringleader of the circle 050
On life's Journey @journeygophell.bsky.social · 04/11/2025I though The Onion was satire, and not a reflection of undeniable facts. 1170
M🏴☠️ @wattshappenin.bsky.social · 04/11/2025media.tenor.coma man wearing glasses says it 's true with his finger on his chinALT: a man wearing glasses says it 's true with his finger on his chin 020
A moon shadow @ravanelliterry.bsky.social · 03/11/2025If you don't mind, I'll continue to call him a wanker. 130
Bobbi Christensen @bobbichristensen.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Hahaha 😂! That assneck wouldn’t know Christianity if it bit him in the ass! 020
murderedbybluesky.bsky.social @murderedbybluesky.bsky.social · 04/11/2025@murderedbybluesky.bsky.social@murderedbybluesky.bsky.socialLike an abusive husband reminding his bleeding spouse he's the only one that cares about her right..... before he locks the door behind her & we heard screaming for help from the other side. He's really perfected that "soft-spoken pastor that molests children" voice that also gaslights his wife. 181
leemarvinoswald.bsky.social @leemarvinoswald.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Shorter version: He's an evangelical. 020
Nancy Mace's Burner Account @noveltry.bsky.social · 08/11/2025He and his son have an app that they can use to alert each other if they are even tempted to help someone. 000
Cruelabduhl @cruelabduhl.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Seems accurate except I bet he still jacks off in secret. 020
ALD.99 @iloveamerica99.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Is Johnson the one who said they share a non-masturbating app with their son? I know some Republican disclosed this in the past year. 120
Miriam Breslauer ♿️ @beck7422.bsky.social · 04/11/2025I just assumed it was a real quote for a second. I could easily believe that turd muffin saying that. 020
natfinplan.bsky.social @natfinplan.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Please get on the phone or e-mail and tell your reps in DC which one of these is more important to U. It only takes a few minutes and it doesn't cost any money. We don't need money in politics. We just need people to participate. Also see Initiative No.2 on my website: www.nationalfinancialplan.comnationalfinancialplan.comNational Financial Plan – The United States needs a long-term Financial Plan 010
Jeff in shades @jalan-jeff.bsky.social · 03/11/2025My faith is more about protecting my ass, by protecting the presidents ass, than giving a 🐀’s ass about poor people. 050
OgreDragon @ogredragon.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Its all about Jacking Off while watching my Kiddie Porn.. but the Onion is to polite to say that 040
David D @daveed75.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Allegedly* We don't know how many notifications his son gets 040
manateedreams.bsky.social @manateedreams.bsky.social · 03/11/2025I thought The Onion was supposed to be satire. 020
santa-guy.bsky.social @santa-guy.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Not difficult to believe given he’s such an asshat! 180
Ugly Convention @conventionugly.bsky.social · 03/11/2025“I’m here to not jack off and not feed the poor, and I’m going to keep jacking off.” 030
dogpapi.bsky.social @dogpapi.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Oh Grindr Mike. I read the transcript of his chat offering to blow a stranger in a hotel. I wonder if he’d be a good Christian lad abd read the bible in the hotel dresser when he’s done. Lolllllllll 010
lil orphan goshzilla @realgoshzilla.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Jesus would have jacked off the poor, Mr Speaker 070
Sports Fact Lover @lovesportsfacts.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Mike Johnson clarified that he should have said "My Christian faith is more about saying it's about not jacking off and shaming as many people as possible, but still doing it secretly and hypocritically, than feeding the poor." 040
Timestop @timestop.bsky.social · 03/11/2025But, he has human needs so he let's someone else do it. 020
🍌🇺🇲🦅The Patriot Banana 🦅🇺🇲🍌 @patriotbanana.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Hey now, I'm pretty sure he jacks off poor minors. 140
🌍 J.Sharp 🇺🇦 Freedom🔸Democracy🔹Justice 🇪🇺 @jsharp1436.bsky.social · 04/11/2025He fails on both then. 020
Berserkerkitten @berserkerkitten.bsky.social · 04/11/2025A true Christian would jack off the poor. Like Jesus did. 160
TheRealAuntyMel @therealauntymel.bsky.social · 04/11/2025media.tenor.coma man is sitting in a chair with a glass of wine and a cigarette .ALT: a man is sitting in a chair with a glass of wine and a cigarette . 010
inthebardo.bsky.social @inthebardo.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Omg this is 100% perfection!🤣🤣🤣 I know it's satire but I'd assert "no lie detected." 020
Rick Paisano @sicilianrick.bsky.social · 04/11/2025media.tenor.comdonald trump is speaking into a microphone in front of a sign that says nabtuALT: donald trump is speaking into a microphone in front of a sign that says nabtu 260
LesnielBC 🇨🇦🇩🇰 @lesnielbc.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Mike would jack off on the poor if he could get away with it 070
idlbeokay.bsky.social @idlbeokay.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Johnson went from touching himself to jerking off every American. 091
danger-noodler.bsky.social @danger-noodler.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Fixed, I copyedit for a nominal fee. 1030430
Scottie @scottie-d.bsky.social · 04/11/2025He probably jacks it while he looks at pictures of hungry people. 050
viet69vet19.bsky.social @viet69vet19.bsky.social · 04/11/2025You could always get lady lyndsey to help you out with that or kash patel’s girlfriend! 050
JadeLove700🩵 @jadelove700.bsky.social · 03/11/2025I thought The Onion was supposed to be satirical? Because this is not satire, this is the FLAT TRUTH as far as I'm concerned. 020
Verbed Noun @verbednoun.bsky.social · 04/11/2025More like “Mike Johnson’s son sounds alarm that Mike Johnson has been jacking off to not feeding the poor.” 030
Wilderon @wilderon.bsky.social · 03/11/2025yet seeing the poor suffer makes him jack off even more… 130
mimi828 @mimi828.bsky.social · 03/11/2025👍media.tenor.coma man in a pink shirt holds a red cup in his handALT: a man in a pink shirt holds a red cup in his hand 050
Mark Norman @marknorman23.bsky.social · 04/11/2025His Christian faith is more about breaking the 9th commandment in the bible. For those who don’t know it’s LYING. In fact he’s breaking Jesus’s new commandment - love your god, and love your neighbour as yourself. 030
Ms HummingWay @mshummingway.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Hmm... IDK.... Not Jacking off... Fucking the poor... I think he's still gettin' it! 020
BionicBlonde @bionicblonde.bsky.social · 04/11/2025And to suppress his real gay feelings by pretending to be a model of Christianity. 160
gaybounce.bsky.social @gaybounce.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Guarantee this guy has an app on his computer to monitor what websites he goes to and an "accountability partner" a la Covenant Eyes 030
casementr.bsky.social @casementr.bsky.social · 04/11/2025And there is no evidence to support the first claim and lots for the second. 010
Debbi @creatinglifeandart.bsky.social · 03/11/2025His sexual repression is manifesting as cruelty. He's got to get his gratification somewhere. 030
jazzrat2000 AKA Bonsai anonymous @jazzrat2000.bsky.social · 03/11/2025We know he's failing the one. I bet he's failing them both 1934
Bruce @disinherited.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Mikey, I don’t think Jesus really cares about what you do with your John Thomas. 030
Michael J Wise 🇨🇦🇺🇸🇺🇬🇺🇦🇵🇸 @mjwise425.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Oh really? Where is a prohibition on THAT in the Scripture? Take all the time you need, Mr. ... Johnson. 030
kel @palekel.bsky.social · 03/11/2025having your son as an accountability partner for masturbation prevention is just fucking weird on top of everything else. 030
arno_dr 🖋️ @arnodr.bsky.social · 04/11/2025media.tenor.coma man sitting at a table with his hand on his chinALT: a man sitting at a table with his hand on his chin 010
janellie1.bsky.social @janellie1.bsky.social · 04/11/2025That’s why he lives with a priest in DC? 🧐 Take a look at that little munchkin.. 010
Chaka Nawe @chakanawe.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Chaka Nawe@chakanawe.bsky.social"Oh my God your fist feels amazing!" || Grindr Mikey Johnson 👊 051
Johnny King 💗📖 @johnnyking.bsky.social · 03/11/2025is a recreational edger or a habitual gooner? He's definitely a professional hypocrite. Based on precedent, what ever crimes he and the GOP accuse others of are false, but they are committing them themselves. 030
Jakob G. @jakobgamertsfelder.bsky.social · 03/11/2025He should try a crucifix Would keep his wandering fingers From his eager Johnson 030
Jim Cox @bisasquatch.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Mike Johnson needs to log off Grindr and get back to work so he can swear in Adelita Grijalva and release the Epstein files. Either that or Mike Johnson should be sent to prison. #MikeJohnson 010
Rose🌹 @iranphotos.bsky.social · 04/11/2025He jacks off a lot that’s why he needs glasses. Read a faith-oriented blog FFS! 😁 030
L. Rosenthal @lrosenthal.bsky.social · 04/11/2025well to be honest i dont want to be fed by a guy whose jerking off alot. 010
The People's News @fallssquatter.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Which means it actually IS about jacking off since sin is so delicious for tiny spineless twerps. Not to give away Holy Mike's personal secrets 030
Arvin A. Jalandoon @arv05ajal59.bsky.social · 04/11/2025You should have also added on that quotation; “ and I’m also praying that they don’t include me in their conversion therapy, now that they’re starting to talk about it again…. “ 010
grenemyr.bsky.social @grenemyr.bsky.social · 04/11/2025He's going to be one of history's biggest shit heels. 060
Doctor Wylie @magcolorland.bsky.social · 04/11/2025That I would believe about WNC—along with "all together now." 020
George @glbqwer.bsky.social · 04/11/2025It’s amazing how the Republican Party from Trump on down have the same policy, which is I don’t know 030
Oogie Boogeyman @oogaboogey.bsky.social · 04/11/2025media.tenor.coma man wearing glasses and a red jacket is holding his arms out and says `` no touching '' .Alt: a man wearing glasses and a red jacket is holding his arms out and says `` no touching '' . 030
Brian Keith O'Hara @bkohatl.bsky.social · 04/11/2025100% correct and worse. Justice is an alien concept to a Southern Baptist like Speaker Mike Johnson. The Roman Goddess of Justice wears a blindfold so everyone gets the same justice, without fear or favor, she carries a shield to protect the innocent and a sword to punish the guilty. 110
therock54.bsky.social @therock54.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Christians are the reason we can't have nice things. Masturbation is good for the soul, religions are not. 150
Molly @forcemajure.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Ouch!!! lol. God would not care either, that’s the ridiculous part. 010
Hammer @hhammerh.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Translation - Republican to English: “I jack off so much to the thought of poor people struggling to get enough to eat, and I wanna keep doing it!” 090
cassandrabelga.bsky.social @cassandrabelga.bsky.social · 04/11/2025What were you doing on Grindr, Mike? Oh I was looking to meet with Jesus.. 120
cherfan75.bsky.social @cherfan75.bsky.social · 03/11/2025bsky.app/profile/cher...@cherfan75.bsky.social@cherfan75.bsky.socialThat’s sofa 🛋️ king 🤴 hilarious!!! 😂😂😂 Also… please watch this… it’s spot on!!! youtu.be/Ehvd69WQeS8?...youtu.beThe Far-Right Is COMPLETELY DONE With Trump | The Kyle Kulinski ShowYouTube video by Secular Talk 020
Deborah Frank @deborahfrank.bsky.social · 04/11/2025So basically projection mean it’s the opposite. Grinder must be busy. Release mj’s grinder and ip address! 010
julzvc.bsky.social @julzvc.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Maybe he should jack off. He might find he can think clearly and be a better person. 010
President Goku 🌐 @presidentgoku.bsky.social · 03/11/20251000x more likely for an evangelical sermon to be about jacking off than feeding the poor, and if the latter is mentioned at all, it's invariably to scoff at misguided religions for prioritizing "good works" 091
Christopher Fuller @christopherinla.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Mike Johnson is just one appletini away from a relapse. 020
austinlover1.bsky.social @austinlover1.bsky.social · 04/11/2025More like not jacking off and not looking at porn than feeding the poor. 030
Gertie @gertiegreen.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Actually, Mike Johnson’s Christian faith is more about enlisting his son in a pact to keep him from jerking off to porn than feeding the hungry… 020
yorkdukeyork.bsky.social @yorkdukeyork.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Stop just saying true things and thinking it's satire! I expect better from the Onion. 060
Semper Veritas @semper-veritas1.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Hands do Johnson has backslid on that one 020
Tuneraider @tuneraider.bsky.social · 03/11/2025😂😂😂 thanks . I have beer on my screen and coming out of my nose. I was mid drug when I saw this . 😂😂😂 0101
Wyatt Burp @gargamol.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Did he suspend government to focus on no-nut November? 010
Lingua Franca @triplozero.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Is there anything in his religion about jerking off the American people? 061
For Freedom's Sake @forfreedomsake.bsky.social · 03/11/2025I remember when @theonion.com was satire. 040
Marc Robbin @marcorobbin.bsky.social · 04/11/2025Maybe he’d be better if he did jack off, the release might clear his mind. But I doubt it. mike is beyond any kind of redemption. 030
BaandariBard @slycaster.bsky.social · 04/11/2025They should introduce my dudes to chasity cages. Would change their lives. 020
Truth49 @nocorruption.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Mind boggling to know how he got to that position of speaker if he continues to say he hasn't heard of important political things of interest. 081
Pink Freud @phroodloops.bsky.social · 03/11/2025Not even that, because he needs his son to forcefully monitor his porn usage. 1130
