Tom @tdawks.bsky.social · 24/07/2026A good name for a bus stop, and also a fun party game for bishops. 20609148
Reposted by TomDamien Owens @damienowens.bsky.social · 11/07/2026My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m not good at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba. 1606716757
Tom @tdawks.bsky.social · 26/05/2026Looks like I picked the wrong day to open my chunky knitwear and casserole emporium. 02013
Reposted by TomMꙬse Allain @mooseallain.bsky.social · 10/05/2026I've just been stopped by a copper. He gave me the verdigris. 2561685
Reposted by TomDamien Owens @damienowens.bsky.social · 04/05/2026‘Did you hear? Karen and Alan Dumpty had another baby boy. A giant egg, sadly.’ ‘Aw. Still, they must treat him no differently from little Stephen and Jason. Afford him every respect. What are they going to call him?’ 1111
Reposted by TomKip Conlon @kipconlon.bsky.social · 25/03/2026First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of. 5168431334
Tom @tdawks.bsky.social · 14/02/2026Actually, Valentine was the name of the scientist. You're thinking of Valentine's Monster. 040
Reposted by TomDamien Owens @damienowens.bsky.social · 18/12/2025I'm at that stage of work where you go 'Tee hee, I can put this off until January, which is several years away. I'm so clever!' 37120
Reposted by TomMichael Spicer @michaelspicer.bsky.social · 23/11/2025Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Because it saw someone from work on a Saturday. 336552
Reposted by TomMꙬse Allain @mooseallain.bsky.social · 17/11/2025How delightfully quaint some of these old Devon village names are, their etymologies lost in the mists of time. 583709655
Reposted by TomMꙬse Allain @mooseallain.bsky.social · 08/11/2025Saw someone with the same teeth as me at the coincidentist. 1756982
Tom @tdawks.bsky.social · 31/10/2025I think this shop is hosting some kind of networking event for ghosts. 021
Reposted by TomMꙬse Allain @mooseallain.bsky.social · 27/12/2024If you press the bottom of the cylinder, her legs collapse 1225846574
Tom @tdawks.bsky.social · 03/08/2025Love visiting small museums. Really looking forward to having nightmares about this guy for the rest of my life. 1351947
Reposted by TomMꙬse Allain @mooseallain.bsky.social · 28/05/2025Dug up some bones in the garden and I’ve tried to recreate what sort of animal they might have been from. Looks like some sort of snake most probably. 46940117
Reposted by TomDamien Owens @damienowens.bsky.social · 02/05/2025Wow, what a horrific typo. Right on the cover. 121105731600
Reposted by TomMꙬse Allain @mooseallain.bsky.social · 07/01/2025Asterisks are ****ing great. I swear by them. 392020323
Reposted by TomMꙬse Allain @mooseallain.bsky.social · 05/01/2025Yet ANOTHER person with the same teeth as me at the coincidentists. 731429
Reposted by TomGlenn Moore @thenewsatglenn.bsky.social · 18/11/2024Bolognese are coming Bolognese are coming 91105262
Reposted by TomTom @tdawks.bsky.social · 06/12/2024🎶 OOO WAHT FARN OT OS TO RARD UNNA WUN HOSE ORPHAN SLAARGH 🎶 0124
Tom @tdawks.bsky.social · 13/12/2024I always find Jingle Bells upsetting because it reminds me of the time my Uncle Billy tragically lost his willy on the motorway. 4329
Reposted by TomTokyo Sexwhale @tokyosexwhale.bsky.social · 08/12/2024Please do share to help promote my Teeny-Tiny business. I sell signed giclee prints, mugs, tees and greeting cards. They all make excellent gifts. You’ll find my little store here: infinitebacon.com Thank you! 366128
Reposted by Tommindflakes @mindflakes.bsky.social · 06/12/2024Shaved 5 minutes off my morning routine by brushing my teeth and riding the mechanical duck outside the supermarket at the same time 332632415
Tom @tdawks.bsky.social · 06/12/2024🎶 OOO WAHT FARN OT OS TO RARD UNNA WUN HOSE ORPHAN SLAARGH 🎶 0124
Reposted by TomChristina Martin @christinamartin.bsky.social · 15/11/2024It's Friday. It's the shortest amount of time anyone has ever owned a trouser press. youtu.be/tNqn5bKmKNc?...youtu.beBullseye - The cruel mistress that is the Prize BoardYouTube video by ChristinaLMartin 59902291
Reposted by TomSarah Dempster @dempster2000.bsky.social · 26/11/2024[boardroom] BOB: Jesus, Jeff, for the last time: NO CLAMS. WE ARE NOT ADDING CLAMS. JEFF (dressed as clam): I have a gun 128510
Reposted by TomDan Sheehan @dansheehan.bsky.social · 12/11/2024We need more music where the singer says "take 'em for a walk, Artie" and then a guy with a clarinet just goes nuts for like 8 minutes 12983021354
Tom @tdawks.bsky.social · 02/11/2023Can't believe I forgot to do my All Saints' Day joke yesterday. Never ever have I ever felt so low. 040
![cartoon for the guardian by Stephen Collins - script as follows:
[Scene is a darkened LOFT. Amongst the boxes and junk are FOUR KNACKERED OLD FANS - three tower fans and one circular, with cracked grey plastic and buttons missing. One fan, TOWER FAN 1, is a bit taller than the others, and is addressing them]
1
TOWER FAN 1:
Right lads, get ready.
2
TOWER FAN 1:
This is our time.
3
TOWER FAN 1:
The time when we remember who we are, and why we’re here.
4
TOWER FAN 1:
We are the four crap fans in a British person’s loft,
and we are here to make absolutely no difference whatsoever.
5
TOWER FAN 1:
I know what you’re
thinking, lads:
6
TOWER FAN 1:
Surely this will be the year they finally replace us?
7
TOWER FAN 1:
Our plastic’s gone all brown... I haven’t oscillated since 2018...
8
TOWER FAN 1:
Dave here sounds like a spitfire and blows like a sad cat’s sigh…
TOWER FAN 2:
Cheers mate
9
TOWER FAN 1:
But no. These people are British, and every year, they forget the sun exists.
By the time they remember,
new fans will cost *four million pounds* on Amazon.
10
TOWER FAN 1:
So we’ll be back down there... shovelling thick air across the moaning faces of a species that cannot comprehend the concept of air conditioning, or even just closing the curtains when it’s hot out...
11
TOWER FAN 1:
...while they incessantly bang on about normally hot countries which this country is now temporarily a bit hotter than.
12
[The loft hatch opens and a person comes up the ladder]
PERSON:
APPARENTLY IT’S HOTTER THAN GREECE, LISA](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidbpfu2ioghspjcg4xitzv655jzjwp5lgxk5hi3ag7sechgh222ze)
