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Robert

@clatchardcraig.bsky.social
304 followers 417 following 2.8K posts

Songs of joy and tears of laughter are all we need to lift our hearts.

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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
Still, we can all be certain that the British government has spent the last six months preparing diligently for the impending fuel shortages and we ... *bursts into uproarious laughter*
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
FINALLY!
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CRAAAAAAAIG 🎃💀👻 @craiging619.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
TBT: Channel 4 journalist Alex Thomson was given free drinks on the train to Glasgow for the first Old Firm match in ages, and got absolutely blitzed.
Alex Thomson @alextomo tweets in 2016:
“Problem is : have not eaten today and hen Virgin started dealing free wine. It's going downhul .”Alex Thomson @alextomo tweets in 2016:
“New trin now. Train I men. Think it said Glasgiw . Some bloke yelled get in. Or on. No free wine now so something is def wrong .”Alex Thomson @alextomo tweets in 2016:
“I am I. Troy! Or Coy? Sounded like it Really .
The woman just said on the tannoy. I deman a wood horse .now.”Alex Thomson @alextomo tweets in 2016:
“@aberquine some woman gave me 4 Jaffa cakes near the loo. That but I  remmor”
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Luke Ontario @coolhand.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
I have no idea if this is true but the collage kills me
A black lemur in a leafy tree with its mouth open as if singing, beside an inset photo of Pavarotti striking a similar pose. Text reads: “New research shows lemurs use operatic techniques when they sing, to reach high notes.” Classic FM.
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Drivelsieve @drivelsieve.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
Tales of the Unexpected
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
TV's Bella Emberg as Blunder Woman.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Because if it matters to you, it matters to Digby, the chubby aide de camp of Spacefleet's Dan Dare.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
A jar of delicious Shippam's crab paste.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
Smørrebrød-eating surrender monkeys. Now, Scotland must annexe the Faroes, while they're weak.
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Spookably UnAwake @lamentablyawake.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
It's all on you, members of the British public, to solve the climate crisis, and I'm giving you 43p each to do so.
Headline: British people understand the climate crisis threat. Today I’m empowering them to tackle it - Andy Burnham

[Photo of Andy Burnham, a middle aged white man with brown hair wearing a black shirt]

Subhead: With nearly £30m of funding, I’m giving communities power over local energy. They know the gravity of global heating, and they want to be part of the solution
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
Graveyards (obvs) Crabs. Balgay Park. Forkie-tailies Carbon monoxide suffocation in a caravan. The mites I once found infesting a forgotten bag of flour. The chained-up swings on Sunday. Swallowing glass. Daleks (obvs)
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
Being bitten by an adder. Rabies. The TV set exploding due to a lightning strike on the aerial. Strange men offering access to puppies. Cats caterwauling in the dead of night. Not being cleverer than every other child in the school. Lightsabre mutilation. Semolina.
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Claire Cullingworth @ccullingworth.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
This made me smile, attached to an ordinary cast iron drainpipe on a house in Durham. #TinyJoys
A cast iron drain pipe going down the side of a white-painted house.  A crest of red feathers and a bright orange beak made from something solid have been attached around it.  It looks remarkably like "Feathers McGraw", the evil criminal penguin from The Wrong Trousers.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 13/09/2026
static.klipy.com
Macaquinho comendo fruta
Alt: A gorilla's jaw drops theatrically.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
Things I was frightened of as a child: Nuclear Armageddon Quicksand Spiders, but only the big, long-legged sort Private Godfrey off of Dad's Army Public speaking Having my brake cables cut by a villain Raggety off of Rupert the Bear Itchy coos The feeks
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
This seems to be ... suboptimal.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 11/09/2026
An event which happened six hundred and forty-three years before Britain was created had, ipso facto, no impact on British history whatsoever. So very tired of this shite now...
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
It'll be another miserable Winter of cold homes and failing businesses due to expensive energy. Don't blame Putin/the USA/Iran as taught. Blame instead the many decades of British misgovernment that left us so exposed to gas prices.
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John Swinney @johnswinney.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
For the first time since 2014, a British Prime Minister has accepted that a referendum should take place when there is majority support for independence, as is the case in Northern Ireland. I have written to him to discuss how we turn that principle into a legal mechanism.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
The Alba Party was an early warning of how elderly and senescent people's minds can be broken by too much online activity. Thankfully, it failed quickly and comically and disastrously. But its successors will keep coming. They will keep coming...
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
As a longstanding admirer of the Proclaimers (both albums) I would like to request some privacy at this difficult time.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
If only they'd normalised the Spanish pronunciation of "jaguar". Hagwar. Hagwar-Lant-Rovĕr THEN their clunky, overlarge and ugly motorvehicles might've been competitive...
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Brian Bilston @brianbilston.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
Today’s poem is called ‘Morrissey’s Fridge’.

Morrissey’s Fridge
 
Morrissey 
was filled
with sudden 
self-doubt,

as he shut 
his fridge door –
did the light 
never go out?


Brian Bilston
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Once Upon A Time On The Internet @newgroundsdoc.newgrounds.com · 01/09/2026
23 YEARS AGO TODAY, @mrweebl.bsky.social posted BADGERS to @Newgrounds.com
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
There's now an aisle of Christmas items in the local supermarket.
static.klipy.com
Farod in Fetal Position, Looking Sad
Alt: Farod in Fetal Position, Looking SadA man weeps and rocks back and forth while in the fotal position.
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shardcore @shardcore.org · 31/08/2026
morning
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 27/08/2026
A plastic tub of delicious Burdall's Gravy Salt.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
Because if it matters to you, it matters to Digby Jones, the crossbencher peer. Who received his seat-for-life in the British legisature for undisclosed favours to several British prime ministers.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
Danger Mouse The Adventure Game Police Squad! Taggart Red Dwarf series I to V. The Trap Door The Granada TV Sherlock Holmes Think of a Number Jigsaw Restless Natives Once Upon a Time... Man Deep Space Nine Fawlty Towers M*A*S*H
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
"Frogmella Chlamydia Elizabeth von Schleswig-Holstein-Gottorp-Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Woking."
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
This never fails to sound like a blackmail threat.
Evri has got my parcel.
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👻BOOryan BlessDeAd🎃 @bryb.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
It took a long time to work out, but that last item is actually a hurdy-gurdy-theremin-Singer-sewing-machine-treadle-powered hybrid. Prosperity to the inventors of new instruments!
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hammancheez but spooky @hammancheez.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
Palate cleanser Airwolf on a hurdy gurdy
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
I shall now light a candle and carry it slowly around the garden for a while. Because I'm in Scotland. Where it rained this morning. Out of sheer, malicious spite.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
On every phone in Englandnwales just now: www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HB0...
youtube.com
Charley Says Never Play With Matches
YouTube video by Bungleboss
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 14/08/2026
The futility! The knee-jerk! The failure to do anything of real value! The pandering to the boneheaded Daily Mail mob! This wee paragon of idiot British misgovernment is one for the conoisseurs.
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Mike Sowden @mikeachim.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
SCIENCE TIP if you want to protect your eyes during an eclipse, move to scotland
Photo of the sky above Ayrshire, Scotland during the 2026 eclipse.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
Here: From dreich to somewhat more dreich then back to the original dreich. The cosmic ballet goes on.
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Alex Selby-Boothroyd @alexselbyb.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
Eclipse playlist open.spotify.com/playlist/6Wf...
Eclipse playlist
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Association for Scottish Literature @asls.org.uk · 12/08/2026
“What an incredible coincidence it is that our moon fits exactly over our sun…” —In his 2009 parallel-universes novel TRANSITION, Iain Banks suggested that the Earth’s near-miraculous total #eclipse would be a huge draw for alien tourists #WyrdWednesday #scifi 💙📚 www.hachette.co.uk/titles/iain-...
"Now, most jet travel on Earth is for tourism. Not business; tourism. Would our smart, curious aliens really be that different from us? I don't think so. Most of them would be tourists. Like us, they'd go on cruise ships. And would they want to actually come to a place like Earth, set foot – or tentacle, or whatever – here? Rather than visit via some sort of virtual reality set-up? Well, some would settle for second-best, yes. Maybe the majority of people would. But the high rollers, the super-wealthy, the elite, they'd want the real thing. They'd want the bragging rights, they'd want to be able to say they'd really been to whatever exotic destinations would be on a Galactic Grand Tour. And who knows what splendours they'd want to fit in; their equivalent of the Grand Canyon, or Venice, Italy, or the Great Wall of China or Yosemite or the Pyramids?

"But what I want to propose to you is that, as well as all those other wonders, they would definitely want to see that one precious thing that we have and probably nobody else does. They'd want to see our eclipse. They'd want to look through the Earth's atmosphere with their own eyes and see the moon fit over the sun, watch the light fade down to almost nothing, listen to the animals nearby fall silent and feel with their own skins the sudden chill in the air that comes with totality. Even if they can't survive in our atmosphere, even if they need a spacesuit to keep them alive, they'd still want to get as close as they possibly could to seeing it in the raw, in as close to natural conditions as it's possible to arrange. They'd want to be here, amongst us, when the shadow passes.

"So that's where you look for aliens. In the course of an eclipse totality track. When everybody else is looking awestruck at the sky, you need to be looking round for anybody who looks weird or overdressed, or who isn't coming out of their RV or their moored yacht with the heavily smoked glass.”
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 11/08/2026
A new strain of British nationalism has emerged at the Guardian: It's the old story of spinsters cycling to the cricket match with a pint of warm bitter in either hand whilst Spitfires fly overhead and vicars queue for tea and biscuits. So it's not new at all. www.theguardian.com/society/2026...
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Museum of Twitter @museum-of-twitter.bsky.social · 07/08/2026
@Lubchansky

*tmbg voice*
article bad, article bad
reading the thing is making me sad
what's it about?
i don't care
article bad

(Particle Man by They Might Be Giants)
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
We have an early frontrunner in the Silliest Legal Firm Name category n the 2026 Homo Sapiens Awards.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
Upside: No drought for Scotland then, which is nice. Downside: Now the fruitloop wing of the cybernats will resume their "tHe brItS wilLSteAL oUr watER!!!" memes, which is a beamer.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening.
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Robert @clatchardcraig.bsky.social · 03/08/2026
static.klipy.com
Duck Season Rabbit Season
ALT: Duck Season Rabbit Season
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Brawlcats @brawlcats.bsky.social · 02/08/2026
airbnb I’m staying at unintentionally created the toughest punk album cover of 2027
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Dave Owen @wavenode.bsky.social · 03/08/2026
“Whoooh, body farm, body farm for yooouu.”
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Final Friztination @frizfrizzle.bsky.social · 02/08/2026
Spider-meh Spider-meh Does whatever.
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