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Village Times

@villagetimes.bsky.social
95 followers 74 following 553 posts

Slava Ukraini! One Million Followers In A Milliom Days. The No. 1 news paper for the village, publishing truth and not negativity like you get in other village publications. Working tirelessly to eradicate spelling errers.

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Jason @nickmotown.bsky.social · 23/08/2026
Just remember - if you voice worries about raw sewage in our rivers, the planet being on fire or the rise of fascist billionaires, you're a moaning, woke, scaremongering leftie. If, however, you parrot some nakedly racist conspiracy theory or transphobic think piece, you have "legitimate concerns".
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Lance Said This @lancesaidthis.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
I tell ya, you can never know what's gonna happen in life. Why, just this morning I got a job reading people's fortunes!
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Jane, actually @maidofbeans.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
[Precisely 55 seconds into a hike] I'm not gonna make it, go on without me.
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John Scalzi @scalzi.com · 26/09/2026
Whatever you do, don't smoke an entire brisket at a job interview, it's a lot of equipment to bring in, it takes a really long time to do it right and those conference rooms have notoriously poor ventilation
Someone smoking a brisket and poking it with a meat thermometer to see what the internal temperature is
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John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil @thealexnevil.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
The real monster is the one Dr. Frankenstein made along the way.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 22/09/2026
A strong belief of mine is that all TV shows and films should end with a character saying the title of the show. This would make every ending distinct and memorable. Here's how I would alter the ending to Friends and Home Alone 2.
*Monica hugs Rachel and Ross. Chandler starts pushing the stroller towards the door.*

RACHEL
Do you guys have to go to the new house right away or do you have
some time?

MONICA
We got some time.

RACHEL
Okay, should we get some coffee?

CHANDLER
Sure. Where?
*Everyone laughs.*

ROSS
Haha! We are laughing because we only ever visit the same coffee shop, which makes it amusing to suggest that we might now visit one of the other coffee shops in New York.

PHOEBE
Indeed. That is a humorous remark, Chandler for the reason stated by Ross. But joking aside, I just want to say that you are all my friends.

JOEY
Yes, we are all friends!

They all break into a chant of "Friends! Friends! Friends! Friends! Friends!" This continues for fourteen minutes.
FADE OUT*Cedric hands the room service bill to Buzz. He wishes Buzz a merry Christmas and extends his hand, expecting a tip. Buzz misunderstands the gesture and instead takes the chewing gum out of his mouth and hands it to a dismayed Cedric, who departs. Buzz then analyses the lengthy room service bill and smirks. He knows who needs to hear about this.*

BUZZ
Oh, Dad...

PETER
Kevin!! You spent $967 dollars on
room service!?!?

*Peter's yell is loud enough for Kevin to hear in the park. He immediately runs away before we cut back to Buzz who is smiling as he reflects on the events of recent days.*

BUZZ
Ha! It sure sounds like my brother Kevin had some interesting adventures during the period in which he was separated from his family. Indeed, I guess there are times in all our lives when we each wish that we could be left home alone... too.

FADE OUT
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Village Times @villagetimes.bsky.social · 19/09/2026
Be aware! The Local Youth sold me a monthly subscription to the Metro for £10 a month. Discovered they were offering others an annual subscription for £119!!
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
Here are my top 3 business ideas for September 2026. Please don't steal them and become a billionaire.
My Top 3 Business Ideas of the Month (September 2026)

1. Jean shorts that look exactly like normal jean shorts except they have zip pockets to prevent your coins from falling out when you're doing a cartwheel.

2. ZipRemind: a phone app that senses when you're about to do a cartwheel and reminds you to zip the pockets of your jean shorts beforehand.

3. Coin Vacuum: a device that picks up coins which have fallen out of your pocket when doing a cartwheel because I have no idea how to code so ZipRemind will almost certainly be a very unreliable app.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
Are there downsides to AI? Yes. But there are even more positives: CONS -Makes everything more expensive -Will kill us all PROS -AI is easy to spell -Summarises texts for some reason -We were all going to die sometime anyway See? 3 pros and only 2 cons. Hopefully this assuages everyone's concerns
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
Time to settle this age-old debate once and for all
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
If I coached a football team, I'd have one test for any prospective player: show them a picture of a football and ask them to identify it. If they didn't know, I'd cancel the deal. If you don't know what a football is, you're not ready to play for this club. Come back when you've done some research.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 22/08/2026
Looks like yet another season in which Premier League matches are not being paused in the 79th minute for a respectful silence to commemorate the destruction of Pompeii in 79AD. I've given them the benefit of the doubt for a long time but at this stage it's starting to look downright callous.
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James @northamptonian.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
To mark the demise of Humphrey Smith, here’s the @daveyjones.bsky.social dig at the Sam Smiths chain and their somewhat eccentric / complete nutcase owner Humphrey the other year.
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Village Times @villagetimes.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
Apparently I need to have more followers than I follow, so I have had to make some tough decisions. Hanging on @sirmichael.bsky.social 's coattails isn't the follower boost one would expect.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 11/08/2026
My greatest skill? Probably my ability to hear a person's name and then devise fun and clever nicknames for them. For example, here are my best nicknames for a person named James Verylargehead: - Jim - Jimmy - JV - Jimbo - Jimster And those only took me about thirty-five minutes to come up with.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
The fool (you) rushes outside to see the partial solar eclipse today but the wise man (me) relaxes inside because he knows that the more satisfying experience of a full solar eclipse is coming in September 2090.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 05/08/2026
There are lots of interesting facts about the Titanic. But there are plenty of uninterestings ones too, which, imo, are equally important to know.
Top 7 Least Interesting Facts About The Titanic

[Picture of Abraham Lincoln while not on the Titanic]

1. Due to a combination of not having a ticket and dying 47 years earlier, Abraham Lincoln was not a passenger on the Titanic's maiden voyage.

2. Passengers in 2nd and 3rd class accommodation on the Titanic were unable to send emails after the ship began sinking.

3. There is no evidence that the sinking of the Titanic was caused by the ship being overloaded with heavy lawnmowers. Experts believe it's far more likely to have been caused by a collision with an iceberg.

4. The sinking of the Titanic in 1912 took place before the moon landing in 1969. 

5. Nobody over the age of 150 died on the Titanic.

6. If the Atlantic Ocean had been drained of all its water in 1911, everyone on board the Titanic would have survived. However, draining the Atlantic was never considered due to it being logistically unfeasible.

7. The words "Titanic" and "Atlantic" are not anagrams of one another.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 07/08/2026
WARNING: Local youths in the park are terrorising charcuterie board fans with vicious insults. They were highly critical of my vegetable to cured meats ratio and said that my choice of cheeses was “ill-considered.” PLEASE STAY SAFE BY EATING YOUR CHARCUTERIE ELSEWHERE UNTIL THEY HAVE BEEN STOPPED.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 02/08/2026
Cheese graters are not just for grating cheese! They've got lots of other uses: 1. Stand on it to make yourself appear slightly taller 2. Help a friend to appear taller by letting them stand on it Okay, seems there's only two. I thought there'd be hundreds. My mistake. Please disregard this post.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
We need new TV detectives. Here are my three ready-to-go ideas. If any TV bigwigs want to commision these shows, please get in touch
Ideas for New TV Detectives

Titan, Nic. Private Investigator.

Nicola Titan is the world's second best time-travelling maritime detective (her arch-rival May Flower is number one). Each episode sees Nic travel back in time to 1912 to investigate a different mystery on board the Titanic. She has to solve the mystery and then escape to safety via her time machine before the ship sinks. (I don't know why she can't use her time machine to save everyone on board but for some reason she can't so please don't ask me about this plot hole)


Genghis Can't, P.I.

When a science experiment goes wrong, Genghis Khan is accidentally reanimated in modern day New York. This version of Genghis, however, is too shy and lacking in confidence to become an international warlord so he instead gets a job in a small private detective agency. Every time he's assigned a case, Genghis panics about not being good enough for this line of work and suffers crippling imposter syndrome. But each time, Genghis miraculously stumbles his way to solving the case via his own self-doubt (not sure how this will work yet but I will think of the details after the show has been commissioned). 

Detective Baby

When a mysterious new detective named T. Oddler starts solving all the unsolved cases in the precinct, rival detectives are furious. Meanwhile the bosses want to know more about this short, enigmatic newcomer who prefers to work alone, between naps. But Oddler hides a dark secret – he was only born eighteen months ago. He's the best detective in the business but if the bosses find out that Oddler is a baby, he'll be fired and replaced with an adult immediately. Can he maintain his secret for long enough to solve The Mystery of the Missing Stuff??
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
I've put together a quick study guide for anyone who's got an important upcoming exam about Neptune. Hope this helps.
Planet Neptune
The Facts You Need to Know

1. The planet pictured above is not Neptune, it's Venus (the most important fact you must learn about Neptune is what it looks like and if you think it looks like Venus, you are wrong).

2. Many of the things that are illegal on Earth are not illegal on Neptune, including shopl*fting and public n*dity.

3. Nobody has ever dislocated their shoulder on Neptune.

4. Despite its popularity on Earth, the TV show Friends did not achieve the same success on Neptune, with the series finale being watched by zero viewers there.

5. Despite being over three times larger than Earth, the number of horses on Neptune is significantly lower.

6. There are no hardware stores on Neptune so if you urgently need hardware supplies, go to a planet that does have hardware stores instead.
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Mark Hamill @markhamillofficial.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
For those of you that ever wondered what scares the shit out of him: #FabFord
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Pam @hadenoughnow.bsky.social · 16/07/2026
Gina G sang a helpful song about that, representing the UK at Eurovision, Michael. "Ooh ah, just a little bit, ooh ah, a little bit more". She was basically describing how to make a Victoria sponge.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 16/07/2026
I don't want to criticise online bakers (many of whom I respect) but one trend I dislike is when they use “tsp” and “tbsp” in the same recipe. Yes, it's nice to add variety to the wording of your recipe but since they mean the same thing, you should pick one and just stick with it.
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Village Times @villagetimes.bsky.social · 16/07/2026
Beautiful
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Village Times @villagetimes.bsky.social · 16/07/2026
Enough already. Can't wait to start complaining about the rain and the cold. #Bridport
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 09/07/2026
So glad I'm not a referee at this World Cup b/c I wouldn't know what to do during hydration breaks. I'm not gregarious enough to chat with the players but I'm too cool to be seen hanging out with the assistant refs. Ultimately I'd maybe just take my phone out and pretend to be texting or something.
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Village Times @villagetimes.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
It's my understanding that Trump has asked FIFA to overturn Belgium's 4 goals... 😂
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Cathal Kennedy @cathalkennedy.bsky.social · 06/07/2026
More human misery caused by Trump, Rubio, Vance etc...
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Village Times @villagetimes.bsky.social · 06/07/2026
Love that Farage is claiming an establishment conspiracy over his at least £5.27m in donations, from men who have, apparently, no interest in paying him. Nigel honey, not only are you now the establishment, you are the lord of the establishment
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 06/07/2026
My solution to the Balogun controversy? He can play but he must carry a plate of hors d'oeuvres throughout. If he drops any, he's sent off again. Belgian players are allowed to eat the appetisers but one of them contains poison. If a Belgian player dies from food poisoning, Balogun is sent off again
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
My idea to spice up the World Cup? The World Cup Mole. Before each match, both teams get to plant a secret saboteur in the opposing team's starting eleven. Nobody knows who the mole is. Although there are some suspicions among the French players about their newly arrived left-back Sven Olofsson.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 23/06/2026
My conspiracy theory on why no World Cup matches have been played at the same time so far? There's only one ball and it's transported to each venue between matches. FIFA doesn't want you to know that if a 2nd ball isn't found in time for tomorrow's simultaneous games, the tournament gets cancelled.
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The Guardian @theguardian.com · 19/06/2026
Burnham the mystic with a mission is all smiles after Makerfield coronation | John Crace
theguardian.com
Burnham the mystic with a mission is all smiles after Makerfield coronation | John Crace
There would be no more sadness. No more despair. A change was a-coming – and he would work tirelessly to make it happen
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
My least favourite thing in the World Cup? When a team scores a goal. It's so selfish. It hurts the feelings of opposing players, embarrasses them and damages their confidence. Awful. If I was a coach, I'd forbid my team from scoring. "Stop scoring goals. Start considering other people's feelings."
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 17/06/2026
Always makes me laugh when I see people who are only discovering Lionel Messi now. It's like, where have you been, lol?! Hardcore fans like me have known about him from as far back as 2023.
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Village Times @villagetimes.bsky.social · 15/06/2026
This is terrifying, surely that invalidates the Ts&Cs (which I imagine are very much in the consumer's favour?)
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 09/06/2026
I could no longer hold my tongue on this issue
Newspaper front page.

World News

"Not a fan of FIFA."
Man criticises governing body

Just days ahead of the men’s World Cup, FIFA - the governing body of world football - has been rocked by criticism from grocery shop employee and online personality Sir Michael. 

Speaking before the big kick-off on Thursday, Michael said, “I don’t really like the acronym ‘FIFA’ very much. If you see it written down, you wouldn’t know that it’s supposed to be pronounced ‘fee-fah’. A lot of people probably pronounce it ‘fy-fah or fiff-ah by mistake. People should be able to see an acronym written down and immediately know how it’s pronounced.”

While he has yet to respond, the timing of the criticism could not be worse for FIFA president Gianni Infantino who was already under pressure following the shambolic preparations for his organisation’s showcase event and faces an election in 2027 to retain his position. 

Asked if he had an issue with the names of any other organisations, Michael also singled out NASA for criticism. “It should be spelt NASSA,” said the Irishman. “People could easily see NASA written down and think it’s pronounced ‘nay-sah’. Hopefully they’ll change it one day.”
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 13/06/2026
Seeing a lot of criticism for the World Cup hydration breaks and I must vent my fury too. They shouldn't just be for water. There should be picnic tables and sandwiches for the players to sit down and enjoy each other's company. They should last two hours. The player who makes the most friends wins.
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Village Times @villagetimes.bsky.social · 05/06/2026
Absolutely love the new @irnbru.bsky.social advert. #Scotland #IrnBru #TheTartanArmy www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1jN...
youtube.com
IRN-BRU - We're Made in Scotland from Girders (Official Video)
YouTube video by irnbru
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Ciara | Ciaraíoch 🎨 @ciaraioch.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
Sunscreen is wild, like what do you mean the radiant might of a gigantic plasma inferno of a star fueled by the unimaginable power of nuclear fusion is defeated by a ten euro tube of cream
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 27/05/2026
Heatwaves like this are the perfect way for me to separate true soup fans from the casuals who claim to love soup but only have it in winter. If you're not chowing down on a lovely vegetable soup for lunch in this 30°C weather, YOU ARE A FRAUD and your invitation to SoupCon 2027 just got revoked.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 30/05/2026
Arsenal may have lost the Champions League final but thanks to the earlier kick-off time this year, their players will be able to go to bed early and get a full night's sleep - unlike the teams who've lost all the previous finals. Hope their manager reminded them of that to cheer them up afterwards.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 02/06/2026
Very excited for the return of House of the Dragon! It's been off air since 2024 so here's a quick catch-up on everything I remember from the first two seasons: - Some blond people said various things - Dragon fight, maybe? - The Lumon employees have had their personalities "severed" somehow
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kevinpieter @kevinpieter.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
Happy to hear your Nan got the webpage to Toad on her iPad.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 12/05/2026
Were these films named correctly or incorrectly? After much consideration, here are my definitive assessments
Named Correctly or Incorrectly

Here are some films that were named. But were they named correctly or incorrectly?

Downfall (2004)
Not a bad title but perhaps an even better one would have been 
Fall Down (because that's what Hitler does after shooting himself). 
The producers are probably still kicking themselves that they didn't
think of this title at the time.

Named correctly or incorrectly? Incorrectly


There Will Be Blood (2007)
Film titles should not be spoilers. This  gives away too much of the 
plot by pre-informing viewers that there will be blood. Should have 
been called Maybe There Will Be Blood, Maybe There Won't Be. 

Named correctly or incorrectly? Incorrectly


Captain Philips (2013)
Too incomplete. It's a good start (because the film does involve 
Captain Philips) but it omits the names of all the other characters in 
the film. It should have been called Captain Philips, His Colleagues, 
The Hijackers and The Army Guys. 

Named correctly or incorrectly? Incorrectly


Weekend at Bernie's (1989) 
Film in which two guys go to Bernie's house for the weekend, which 
is perfectly encapsulated by the title. Excellent. Couldn't be better. 

Named correctly or incorrectly? Correctly
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Village Times @villagetimes.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
Great to see @sirmichael.bsky.social and Sturdy Wheelbarrows continues to raise awareness of #wheelbarrows
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Village Times @villagetimes.bsky.social · 04/05/2026
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 27/04/2026
Here's a helpful guide on this issue for anyone who needs it
Similarities and Differences Between a Bald Eagle and a Human Baby

Similarities
- No teeth
- Not capable of flight in the first ten weeks after birth
- Are not the same as golden eagles
- Not particularly skilled in the ancient art of origami
- Uninformed about the causes of the Franco-Prussian War of 1870
- No appreciation for Renaissance paintings
- Unwilling to clarify their position on nuclear proliferation

Differences
- Bald eagles typically travel alone whereas human babies are usually accompanied by a parent/guardian

How to Tell Them Apart
As we can see, there are far more similarities than differences between bald eagles and babies so the tell-tale sign is whether or not they're travelling alone.
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Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 23/04/2026
Really not sure this needed its own Wikipedia page but it's interesting information nonetheless
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