Ann Pooley
@iamzoombini.bsky.social
444 followers 540 following 181 posts
Art, Photography, Film, TV, Geology, Palaeontology, Archaeology, History, Architecture, Dogs, Cats, Cakes… in no particular order.
Art, Photography, Film, TV, Geology, Palaeontology, Archaeology, History, Architecture, Dogs, Cats, Cakes… in no particular order.
![Scene is WAITROSE CUSTOMER SERVICES DESK. Behind it is a staff member, whose name we will soon learn is BECKY. She is dealing with a customer, for now out of shot, while talking to her manager on the phone.
BECKY [on phone]:
Yeah, hiya...
2
BECKY:
Yes I have a customer here who wants to complain about the Easter eggs.
3
BECKY [putting hand over receiver while addressing the customer stood at the desk in front of her]:
Sorry what was your name again?
4
[Pull back to show the customer is a very tall, green-skinned, PAGAN GODDESS, festooned with flowers. Stood next to her is her son, a normal human teenager in a hoodie, who looks mortified by his mum.]
PAGAN GODDESS:
Eostre the Pagan Goddess of Fertility
5
BECKY
Sorry -
Your name is Easter…?
PAGAN GODDESS:
Eostre.
6
[Vicky pauses, trying to take this in].
VICKY:
Your name is Easter and you want to complain about the Easter eggs.
7
PAGAN GODDESS:
Sorry love, what’s your name?
BECKY:
Becky
PAGAN GODDESS:
Well, Vicky -
8
PAGAN GODDESS:
If it was you who’d shagged the solar god of the Equinox to give birth to an actual living god - my son Darren here -
TEENAGE BOY:
Muuum…
9
PAGAN GODDESS:
….only to have all your efforts totally forgotten by history, you’d have a complaint too!
10
PAGAN GODDESS:
Aisle four is full of products, with no hint of the true meaning of the festival!
11
BECKY:
You mean… Jesus…?
PAGAN GODDESS:
I mean shagging, Vicky.
12
PAGAN GODDESS:
Is it too much to see just a little bit of pre-Christian sex in Aisle 4?
TEENAGE BOY:
MUUUUM
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreihow2kkfu2fdw56dbs2zxuouledpv2w3vxpvt63fyknpxymh5voee)
![Comic strip script:
Scene is a SUPERMARKET, a MAN is walking past a display of CREME EGGS with his trolley.
1
MAN:
Tut
2
CREME EGG [talking to him from the shelf]:
Excuse me - did you just tut at us?
3
MAN:
W-what?
CREME EGG:
Tutting because you’ve seen ‘Easter eggs’ on January 11th, is it?
4
MAN:
What? Well, y-yes, I -
CREME EGG:
Listen, Tut boy
5
CREME EGG:
We are not Easter eggs. We are Creme Eggs.
6
CREME EGG:
We are the shock troops of seasonal capitalism. Eldritch simulacra of rebirth. Fondant mockery of life.
7
CREME EGG:
Not for us the grand safety of a cardboard box. Oh no.
They put us out here first, in our little foil uniforms, every January, to face the wrath of the nation.
8
CREME EGG:
And what you gonna do about it? Tut? Snark about us on social media?
9
CREME EGG:
Maybe you’ll write a little column in the Telegraph titled “It Is Sad That The Easter Eggs Are Out Already”.
10
CREME EGG:
You tut because you know that unlike you, we will return, every January…
…forever.
11
CREME EGG:
The eternal rebirth of mammon! The endless -
MAN:
Oh go on then
[He puts one of the Creme Eggs in his trolley]
12
CREME EGG:
HA HA YOU WORM](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreigf4nleeln6m3pznu3n33mmk4m2f7uwxg7qh6khg4e5l65yycrdjy)
![[Scene is the entrance cabin to a NATIONAL TRUST PROPERTY AND GARDENS]
1
NATIONAL TRUST EMPLOYEE [inside cabin]:
Hello there
2
[A young family - two parents two kids - have arrived at the front desk].
DAD:
Hi - do you have an activity trail, for the kids?
3
NT EMPLOYEE:
Of course – you’re just in time for the Autumn Gammon Trail!
4
MUM:
That sounds fun, doesn’t it kids?
5
NT EMPLOYEE [handing an activity sheet and pencils to the kids]:
Every autumn, the Reform Trust gammons flock back to the National Trust for the AGM. Just follow the trail round the grounds, and see how many you can spot!
6
NT EMPLOYEE [hearing something in the gardens]:
Listen - that's their call
[Calls emanating from the landscape]:
tut-tut
woke-woke
7
NT EMPLOYEE [showing the family an apparently empty fenced enclosure with some bushes in]:
They are extremely sensitive and fragile...
But you can bring them out of hiding if you put a little sign down mentioning slavery.
8
KIDS [pointing]:
There they are!
[Some little red faced PEOPLE wearing Barbour jackets and gilets emerge cautiously from the bushes. They are creeping towards a TINY SIGN in the middle of the enclosure].
[Little people noises]:
woke-woke
tut-tut
woke-woke
9
[Close-up of the TINY SIGN - we can read that it says]:
Slavery had a bit to do with building this massive house.
[Noises from the little people again as they inspect the tiny sign]:
tut-tut
woke-woke
10
MUM [pointing]:
What's that one doing there?
NT EMPLOYEE:
Oh, that's so sweet…
11
[We see that one of the people is sat on a rock, with a little laptop open on a tree stump, and they are furiously typing away].
NT EMPLOYEE:
I think he's writing a column for the Daily Telegraph…
12
[We see close up to the little person’s screen, it is a word document reading]:
Are National Trust scones secretly WOKE?
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreib7lt736b6rmzinml5s7kxjdaapo2a36xp4d4lssypimx3taqicdm)
![Easter Eggs in the Bible
BREAD EGG:
The first ever Easter egg was hand made from bread by Jesus at the Last Supper. Came with a free Holy Grail and two bits of bread.
[Image shows a very rough basic egg made of bread in a box clearly made by a carpenter.]
FIRST SMARTIES EGG:
St Matthew’s Gospel describes candy-covered rabbit droppings that came “actually inside the egg”, not in a separate packet like nowadays.
GOD’S POSH EGG
One for the aunties: the first ‘high-end’ Artisan egg made by God himself. Dark chocolate, posh box, infinite cocoa content.
[Image shows a posh egg on a cloud in heaven]
ROMAN YORKIE EGG:
The first Yorkie egg came in a chariot-shaped box marketed at ‘Manly Romans’. Latin wordsearch on the back.
[Image shows an elaborate cardboard chariot box containing the egg]
EARLY SNICKERS:
Snickers used to be called Marathon and before that it was called UNG-ERWEH which meant ‘Fourteen Lashes Unto The Shepherd’. We can see why they changed it!
CREME EGGS:
According to the Gospel of St Matthew, Cadbury’s Creme Eggs were “absolutely massive” and had “proper chocolate” in 2000 BKE (Before Kraft Era). Scriptures describe a ‘mystery filling’ that gave mild chemical burns. [Show a giant Creme Egg in someone’s hands]
SATAN’S EGG:
Never one to be outdone, the Lord of Darkness sought to compete with God on the ‘sophisticated’ market. High quality dark egg cursed by Satan himself, with two free bars of ‘loathesome matter’. Withdrawn from sale.
[Show an evil looking red egg in a box with ‘666’ on it, two bars of what looks like bloody flesh, blood dripping out of the front.]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreieu6ss5fxvm2z3frvqcv26mmy652niity7mvuzuamyvdtazvxodg4)
