Reposted by Draino Drinker
all the guys who made harambe jokes 10 years ago later experienced complete emotional breakdowns, became born-again evangelicals, and are now enthusiastic fans of the liberty biberty commercials
Draino Drinker
@draino-drinker.bsky.social
429 followers 87 following 429 posts
Ermm well that just happened
![FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
JON BUYS NEW CAN OPENER
“It was time,” says Bluesky personality
NEW YORK – Jon Bois (@jonbois.bsky.social) announced Saturday afternoon that he had purchased a new can opener. The utensil it is replacing has been in Jon’s possession for “well over a decade,” but after many years of satisfactory performance, wear and tear had at last begun to take its toll.
“I’m not positive of exactly when or where I got it,” says Jon, “but I know I took it with me when I moved [from Louisville to New York in 2014]. I’m pretty sure I had it for a solid couple of years before that at least. If I had to pick a year, I’d say 2011. I most likely would have bought it at the Kroger on Goss in Louisville, since I lived nearby at the time.
“Who really knows, though. I don’t keep very good records on that stuff.”
The new can opener, purchased at a nearby grocery store for $3.99, figures to see light to moderate use – perhaps two to three times per week – in Jon’s household, and it’s expected to last roughly as long as the old can opener. “We need to open cans of stuff on a regular basis,” he explains. “Tomatoes, beans, coconut milk, tuna, you name it. All I really expect is that it stays in decent shape without wearing out or breaking or something. There’s nothing worse than when you’re in the middle of making dinner, you don’t have any way to open a can of something, and you realized you’re [totally] out of luck.”
The acquisition had been in the works for several weeks, Jon says. “The teeth in the gear in the old one were starting to rust, and we’d been noticing that the wheel hadn’t been cutting as well lately. It seemed like it just wasn’t getting a good grip on the lid of the can the way it used to. I didn’t want to wait for it to break entirely before getting a new one. It was totally a good can opener as far as those things go. It just wore out, that’s all.”
Media Contact: Jon Bois (operator, @jonbois.bsky.social Bluesky account)
###](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:ovioxia6nlp5luphgf5ovg7p/bafkreiecxm42wvb5kha622kfw6yh533hgu53hlfwoxbxklvt77xxmkpe2i)
![ATTACHED MEDIA
[photo of two can openers sitting on a table]
LEFT: Jon’s old can opener. RIGHT: Jon’s new can opener, still in the package.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:ovioxia6nlp5luphgf5ovg7p/bafkreiea2mbqkcayh4qwfegql77a77cnnccz5dvuaqdcjvsu2nmhr6qrn4)
