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thomas

@perfectsweeties.bsky.social
6.6K followers 217 following 158 posts

i am not smart

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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 29/05/2025
the idea that collecting unemployment is too easy is so funny. 1st time trying it & they’re like hey man u can do this but only if u send me a picture of ur birth certificate and ur social security card with ur panties pulled to the side. also u can only claim every fortnight or we find u and u die
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 23/01/2025
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 22/01/2025
love how people just will accidentally have a pet cat. they’ll be like yea he just knocked on my door one day and now he has his own bedroom. like what?? what was he doing before u? he was just some guy doing stuff? i need to know more. ur cat has a dark and mysterious past
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 12/01/2025
me: time for some laundry :) laundry machine: ok :) me: ok time to dry :) dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 13/12/2024
guy who invented the burrito: check it out. convenient and tasty chipotle: what if it was crazy wet guy: chipotle: like what if the second half of the burrito was just drippy as hell
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Jon Drake @jondrake.bsky.social · 12/12/2024
I stg if these chestnuts were roasted over a closed fire I will lose my fucking mind
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 12/12/2024
feels so fucking good to make small talk about the weather with strangers. “sure is cold out today” darn right it is!! “stay warm out there” aww you want little ol me to stay cozy 🥰 “heard it’s gonna warm up by the weekend” i love an optimist should we hang out
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 29/11/2024
when religious people call your gay friends heathens it’s like no that’s not right. they’re actually he/thems
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 27/11/2024
dracula with a guitar: anyvays heres vondervall
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 26/11/2024
absolute thrill to give the pan a little shake while i’m cooking. no idea what the fuck i’m doing but it sure does make me feel fancy
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 25/11/2024
me: i need to speak to the pilot flight attendant: absolutely not me: please it’s really important flight attendant: fine *opens cockpit* me: are we there yet
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 22/11/2024
[a turtle walks by] me: *holding back the guy who discovered pistachios* no dont do it
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Jon @arfmeasures.bsky.social · 22/11/2024
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? Me: because of something my boss said Interviewer: it says here you were fired Me: that's the thing he said
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Ygrene @ygrene.bsky.social · 17/09/2023
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 22/11/2024
trail mix without m&ms: what is this abomination of squirrel food trail mix with a single m&m: now this is sustenance that will keep you going thru the whole day. it’s hiking time boys
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 21/11/2024
really frustrating thing about talking to conservatives is they dont seem to possess any ability to understand that people are connected. like their barista can only make it to work bc of the bus driver who can only drive the bus bc their kid is at a day care etc. zero underlying reasoning ability
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Jon Drake @jondrake.bsky.social · 21/11/2024
Coors: Our beer is so cold Me: Is it good? Coors: It’s fuckin FREEZING
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 21/11/2024
hard to imagine the mental state of the dude who discovered wine. what do u mean ur stomping on grapes and leaving them to rot. did a grape kidnap ur wife
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 21/11/2024
elon musk wakes up and blinks dirt out of his eyes. he crawls his way to the surface, his pale form leaving a slimy residue in his wake. he grasps for a notebook. “genius ideas” is scribbled across the front. he writes “make wheel more rounder?” and smiles. so smart
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 21/11/2024
whale: im fish? god: mammal whale: how will i breathe god: hole in head lol
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 20/11/2024
uber eats: u look hungry me: ya uber eats: but ur so fuckin lazy me: ya uber eats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered me: ya
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soul nate @mnateshyamalan.bsky.social · 20/11/2024
disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack. phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 20/11/2024
when a place makes u go thru 2 sets of doors to get in and one is a push door and the other is a pull, it’s like yesssss throw me for a loop. make a real fool out of me. trap me in your labyrinth. what am i but a meager jester performing for a chance to enter your distinguished establishment
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Ron Iver @ronnui.bsky.social · 19/11/2024
You couldn't make Blazing Saddles today. You have never made a film before and it would take a long time to figure out.
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 20/11/2024
so awesome when your cat sits down to watch tv with u but sometimes they get too locked in and you start to worry like idk if this is good for ur development little man
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soul nate @mnateshyamalan.bsky.social · 19/11/2024
2025 white house cabinet meeting
the cover of not like us, big house with a bunch of sex offender alert icons
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jack?!? @takeiteasyjack.bsky.social · 19/11/2024
movies used to be about telling a beautiful story or making people feel something. now it seems they’re all trying to give me a borner
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 17/11/2024
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
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sky @iamspacegirl.bsky.social · 27/08/2023
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny. Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it. God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 15/11/2024
love that they lock up condoms at all stores now. like hey man can you use your little key over here. thanks bro. is it cool with you if i might have sex tonight
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 14/11/2024
black bears: *eating honey* me: hey you’re killing the bees lack ears: WHAT DID YOU SAY
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 14/11/2024
this was prophetic and the Left was a fool to ignore me
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 29/12/2023
why are you, as a man, not built like a Rectangle
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 26/09/2023
“do you think about the roman empire” “do you think about escape routes in public places” sorry no. i am too busy living in the moment. appreciating fleeting moments with the people i treasure. enchanted by the daily miracles offered by the very existence of life
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soul nate @mnateshyamalan.bsky.social · 30/08/2023
me: what’s crazy is that rudy giuliani first rose to fame because of 9/11 teen born in 2006: ohh. like he helped do it me: ok no, but i see how you got there
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 23/08/2023
just had some guy say he was looking to peddle some wares… my guy those are goods not wares 😂
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Saddington 3 (in production) @2saddington.bsky.social · 27/07/2023
I’m sorry I have to speak my truth, my fake ass roommate reskeeted this like he’s not absolutely enamored with my cat….what’s the deal @perfectsweeties.bsky.social ???
My dumbass roommate sitting in a chair with his arm around my cat Daisy My dumbass roommate laying down cradling my cat Daisy’s head with his hand while she sleeps
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Chinchillazilla @handle.invalid · 27/07/2023
sometimes cats are just little enemies that live in your house, which is also valid
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 27/07/2023
paid for in-flight wifi for the first time and it’s got me acting different. i’m leaning over to my neighbors like “you wouldnt even believe the deals im closing right now”. i am flipping thru stock charts on 200% zoom and muttering to myself. i am emailing the damn president
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 10/07/2023
i see a lot of you referring to him as Sonic when you’re not even friends with him his name is Sonic The Hedgehog please show some respect
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soul nate @mnateshyamalan.bsky.social · 06/07/2023
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 06/07/2023
theres something about threads that makes it feel vaguely purgatorial. like walking into a room full of people who think asking you if cereal is a soup is a good ice-breaker and then ask you if you have ever heard of a game called cards against humanity
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Roxi Horror 💀🌸 @roxiqt.com · 06/07/2023
Bluesky posters: weird little freaks (complimentary) Threads posters: weird little freaks (derogatory)
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soul nate @mnateshyamalan.bsky.social · 06/07/2023
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 06/07/2023
this is a Bad Boy summer check in
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Chinchillazilla @handle.invalid · 02/07/2023
I'm sincereposting. I'm cringemaxxing. nicepilled. going sweetie mode. friendcore
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thomas @perfectsweeties.bsky.social · 06/07/2023
*opening twitter* she tweet on my skeet till i throot *switching to bluesky* [posting a close up of one nipple] u will see me in hell before i use another mega corp social media *switching to threads* i am drinking so much juice lmfao me: and thats how u do it baby my date: this is like a hobby?
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Saddington 3 (in production) @2saddington.bsky.social · 08/06/2023
hope it’s okay if I post Daisy
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