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John Howard Matthews

@johnmatthews.bsky.social
114 followers 102 following 113 posts

Words in funny, literary, and weird places: McSweeney’s, Points in Case, Write City, Chicago Reader, American Bystander. website: www.johnhowardmatthews.com A 15 minute Evil Dead II-inspired comic video: youtu.be/LE2dy7NpasM

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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
Shout out to the witchcraft book containing "Spell for Avoiding Jury Duty". It worked!
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 07/09/2026
Happy Labor Day! Sincerely, Your Future AI Overlords
mcsweeneys.net
Announcing Our AI Data Center’s First Take Your Child to Work Day
“You will have the opportunity to showcase your daily routines for the edification of your little one in hopes it will instill a desire in them to remain liv...
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Mayor Zohran Kwame Mamdani @mayor.nyc.gov · 25/08/2026
This is truly heartbreaking. Dolly Parton was an extraordinary person and an irreplaceable champion of the working class. We are a better country because of her.
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
If you ever get a chance to see Brent's standup, do not hesitate.
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Robert Reich @rbreich.bsky.social · 19/08/2026
Casual reminder that the myth of “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” is a cruel hoax designed to convince poor people from all walks of life that the injustices they face are a result of their own actions, rather than an oppressive system rigged against them.
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Prosediva @prosediva.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
Tfw you got left on the plane in Turkey
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Snarkyshadow @snarkyshadow.bsky.social · 11/08/2026
Fobidden Planet
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Robert Falls @robertfalls.bsky.social · 10/08/2026
Every third post on my feed today, there’s that fucking bloated orange sack of shit’s face again — a malignant jack-o’-lantern marinated in grease, vanity, and human sewage.
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 10/08/2026
Been a bit since I found a payphone ghost. Using a payphone from your car was very cool in 1987.
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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 08/08/2026
"You will have the opportunity to showcase your daily routines for the edification of your little one in hopes it will instill a desire in them to remain living here and work for us when we need to obtain fresh humans."
buff.ly
Announcing Our AI Data Center’s First Take Your Child to Work Day
“You will have the opportunity to showcase your daily routines for the edification of your little one in hopes it will instill a desire in them to remain liv...
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
If Ash isn't afraid to read, you shouldn't be either.
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 03/08/2026
As AI Data Centers consume the land and resources around us, it’s time to start preparing future generations to serve them. My new one for @mcsweeneys.net
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Derf Backderf @derfbackderf.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
1,100,000 Americans died from Covid, and these fucking scumbags want everyone to believe that it was all a hoax & didn't happen. My Mom died in a Covid ward in 2020. I couldn't get in to see her. A nurse held up the phone to my Mom's ear so I could tell her goodbye. I hate these people. Truly.
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
I'm not saying that Matt Damon copied this pose from my YouTube Evil Dead II parody short Desperately Seeking Chainsaw, but there, I didn't say it. #TheOdyssey #DesperatelySeekingChainsaw
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
From now on I will be using this list of Gmail AI-suggested responses to an email as my go-to response to all future emails:
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Jennifer Goodland @libraryjenn.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
There are so many Stephen Miller insults in this whole thread but I want this one to get a little sunlight
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 12/07/2026
"...conspiracy theories are history for stupid people." 😂
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
Post walk dopamine high.
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Dread Meadow @deadlyflowers.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
Bang-on, as usual with McSweeney's!
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Heather Anne Campbell @heathercampbell.bsky.social · 24/06/2026
can’t believe a narcissist is being so publicly humiliated by a reflecting pool
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𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕕𝕒𝕖 𝔾𝕦𝕣𝕝 @sundaedivine.lol · 18/06/2026
I’m so immature but this is immaculate.
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
I can read the title of this piece until time ends and it will always crack me up. Then the piece itself is even better.
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 07/06/2026
Another successful faked moon landing. #BostonTerrier #@Boston_Bits
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Patsy “Resistance Kitty” Evans Ph.D. @drharmony.net · 04/06/2026
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 02/06/2026
Rare photo of Daisy Matthews, revolutionary leader of STU (Stuffed Toy Underground).
photo of a Boston Terrier in a camo baseball cap chomping a cigar-like stick surrounded by small stuffed dog toys.
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Jooli-AHH! Boolia 👻🍂🎃 @jooliaghoulia.bsky.social · 31/05/2026
BREAKING: Charles Manson backs out of the Freedom 250 concert
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beetle moses @beetlemoses.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
Three panel comic. Panel 1: a chimpanzee in an enclosure is sitting on the ground and painting abstract streaks of color on a canvas lying in the grass. Panel 2: a couple is standing outside the enclosure, looking in. The girl says about the painting chimpanzee, “aww, that’s cute.” Panel 3: the chimpanzee is alone in his dimly lit studio, head in hands, holding a lit cigarette. He looks completely dejected, feeling misunderstood. There is a pair of glasses, a glass of whisky, crumpled paper, and an unfinished painting laid out on the desk in front of him. The walls and floor space of his studio are covered in his abstract paintings on canvases and paper. There is also a marble sculpture of a banana beside him.
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Neil Steinberg @neilsteinberg.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
Among the many reasons I'm proud to be in the union is they tend to have good graphics. Today, on the newspaper's Slack channel, we're replacing our photos with this way-cool logo to remind our masters that people make the Sun-Times, not AI slop.
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ULTRA💀BLAST @ultrakillblast.bsky.social · 10/05/2026
Happy Mother's Day
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
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BIG D GRANDROYAL @bigdgrandroyal.bsky.social · 03/05/2026
Do you Remember when Obama, Clinton and Bush tried to get a comedian fired for making fun of them??? Me neither … only whiny b!tches do that 🤷🏻‍♂️
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 21/04/2026
Happy April 21st "Fog Day" to all who celebrate. Wrote some satire on Medium to commemorate the day. medium.com/@planetstrik...
medium.com
Don’t Worry Stevie, I’m Staying Away From The Fog (And Antonio Bay) For Good
April 21, 1980
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 09/04/2026
Found this on street today. Maybe try to apply at Duke of Oil instead?
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Brent Terhune @brentterhune.bsky.social · 04/04/2026
He got transported to Waffle House
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 25/03/2026
"If NASA allows lycanthropes to perform a successful moon landing, we run the risk of ushering in a hyper-advanced civilization of lunar-dwelling space wolves. This outcome is undesirable." 😂😆😂
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Bob Dinitto @ninzo.bsky.social · 24/03/2026
You can lead a Republican to facts but you can't make them think.
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Molly Jong-Fast @mollyjongfast.bsky.social · 24/03/2026
I hate how stupid everything is.
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Len Grossman @modemjunkie.bsky.social · 23/03/2026
Iran War won't be so absentee chicago.suntimes.com/opinion/2026... By @neilsteinberg.bsky.social
chicago.suntimes.com
Iran War won't be so absentee
Donald Trump says his war against Iran will end "very soon." The truth is, nobody knows when this will end.
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hammancheez but spooky @hammancheez.bsky.social · 21/03/2026
OK, so it’s official from the President of the United States when someone you don’t like dies it’s OK to say “I’m glad he’s dead” we got it in writing folks
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 20/03/2026
So long, Chuck. Thanks for all the face kicks.
apnews.com
Chuck Norris, martial arts master and actor whose toughness became internet lore, dies at 86
The martial arts grandmaster and action star Chuck Norris has died. His roles in “Walker, Texas Ranger” and other television shows and movies made him an iconic tough guy, sparking internet parodies a...
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Governor JB Pritzker @govpritzker.illinois.gov · 05/03/2026
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Kristi Noem.
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 04/03/2026
The Evil Dead franchise, especially Evil Dead 2 and 3 are like chicken soup. Whenever I'm sick or the chips are down, I can count on them to make me feel better. Cancer can suck on this.
usatoday.com
Actor Bruce Campbell shares 'treatable, not curable' cancer battle
In a lengthy post on social media, Campbell told fans that he is prioritizing treatment over upcoming appearances.
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 01/03/2026
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Brent Terhune @brentterhune.bsky.social · 28/02/2026
Iran? You haven’t even finished Venezuela. How can you have any Iran if you don’t finish your Venezuela!
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 25/02/2026
Man, this one splits the arrow.
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 25/02/2026
SOTU update: In the immortal words of Popeye, "That's all I can stands... I can't stands no more!"
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 16/02/2026
This is the kind of thing that will give waterboarding a bad reputation.
ksl.com
Wasatch County GOP chairman accused of waterboarding teen daughter
A Heber City man, who is also the Wasatch County GOP chairman, was charged Wednesday with aggravated child abuse, a first-degree felony, and accused of waterboarding his teen daughter as a form of pun...
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 12/02/2026
Great piece in PIC today. A sage warning to fortify the love shack or meditation pod while there's still time.
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 27/01/2026
Thrilled to have my humor piece on data breaches published by @pointsincase! Now available publicly (and probably on the dark web too). 🔓💻
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John Howard Matthews @johnmatthews.bsky.social · 27/01/2026
I’ve just been notified that my private, sensitive humor piece about data breaches has been made publicly available on the internet.
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