“Consider me stupid. Pour money into my state and strangle every aspect of the parts of life I use to acquire information to make choices. Ruin my television...

“As we’ve said before, the bar for removal under the Twenty-Fifth Amendment is quite high. One little remark about approving the deaths of tens of millions o...

“Seven former Cornell students are accused in a civil lawsuit of sexually assaulting another Cornell student who says she was incapacitated. Messages alleged...

“Is my hair thinning, or am I ripping it out because a thirty-four-time convicted, sexually abusive steak salesman with a Hannibal Lecter fetish is five poin...

“Nothing prettier than a deceased leaf hanging from a tree in its final few moments on earth. It makes me want to wrap an oversized scarf around my neck and ...

“Rather than leaving your spouse for a younger version, you find an older, more financially stable one with excellent health insurance. At the dinner parties...

“I’m just thinking out loud here, but maybe a political party that has dedicated the last forty years to taking away women’s rights could also give some thou...

“I’m a regular guy like you. I know cars—in fact, I’m married to a car, but please don’t check. So, when I look at a Toyota Camry, I see the watery eyes of a...

“Your hometown isn’t the same place you grew up in. You’re nostalgic for a memory of a ghost of a place that doesn’t even exist. Did it ever exist? Did you?”

- - -Longtime McSweeney’s contributor Jessica M. Goldstein’s novel Retro is about a struggling, out-of-work actress, Ash, who gets a job as a Time Travel Ag...

“As we’ve said before, the bar for removal under the Twenty-Fifth Amendment is quite high. One little remark about approving the deaths of tens of millions o...

“I figured it was about time for me, a white cisgender heterosexual man over seventy with cabbage scraps in his mustache, to weigh in on this matter.”

“I gladly would’ve given Air Bud’s team of ragtag teens the morally uplifting win, but the Washington State Athletic Commission made us spend forty-five minu...

- - -Longtime McSweeney’s contributor Jessica M. Goldstein’s novel Retro is about a struggling, out-of-work actress, Ash, who gets a job as a Time Travel Ag...

“Nothing prettier than a deceased leaf hanging from a tree in its final few moments on earth. It makes me want to wrap an oversized scarf around my neck and ...

“Our strip mall has a Sears that only sells washing machines from 2004. Inside one of the washing machines is a secret entrance to the world’s last Charming ...

“Seven former Cornell students are accused in a civil lawsuit of sexually assaulting another Cornell student who says she was incapacitated. Messages alleged...

“There is no yeast in strudel. You’re not trying to facilitate the rise of anything. Say this on record.”

“Ever since Conniving Worm joined my Royal Council, he has proven to be highly competent, fiercely loyal, and constantly laughing to himself while rubbing hi...

“I’m just thinking out loud here, but maybe a political party that has dedicated the last forty years to taking away women’s rights could also give some thou...

“Your hometown isn’t the same place you grew up in. You’re nostalgic for a memory of a ghost of a place that doesn’t even exist. Did it ever exist? Did you?”

“I figured it was about time for me, a white cisgender heterosexual man over seventy with cabbage scraps in his mustache, to weigh in on this matter.”

“If we’re being totally honest, this is all Rose’s dad’s fault; he started this birthday party arms race by recreating a disastrous Mt. Everest expedition in...

“I’m a regular guy like you. I know cars—in fact, I’m married to a car, but please don’t check. So, when I look at a Toyota Camry, I see the watery eyes of a...

“Alien: People are comfortable listening to women in authority and the creature never comes on board the ship. Nobody dies.” Feb 28 2021 October 4 2022 10/1/...

What exactly is the Department of Fertility? It’s the future of American boning. The sunburnt half of the map’s outbanged us for too long. We’re making the n...

“I’m just thinking out loud here, but maybe a political party that has dedicated the last forty years to taking away women’s rights could also give some thou...

“The smell and taste of artificial pancake syrup is so overpowering that I had to remove the box from my kitchen with a pair of tongs and relegate it to a co...

“Consider me stupid. Pour money into my state and strangle every aspect of the parts of life I use to acquire information to make choices. Ruin my television...

“Nothing prettier than a deceased leaf hanging from a tree in its final few moments on earth. It makes me want to wrap an oversized scarf around my neck and ...

BACHELORETTE: OK, here it is. This is kind of a strange question. Let’s say you wanted to ask me out on a date. But you can only, like, compare me to a body ...

“Seven former Cornell students are accused in a civil lawsuit of sexually assaulting another Cornell student who says she was incapacitated. Messages alleged...

“The panopticon is absolutely not a fad. It is an idea whose time in the tech world has come.” Feb 21, 2022 9/17/23 9/24/24