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Jack

@jackloftus.bsky.social
169 followers 23 following 468 posts

Writer, fledgling cartoonist, relatively fun | jackloftus.com | www.mcsweeneys.net/authors/jack-lof…

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Reposted by Jack
McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 29/09/2026
"Can a rapist’s prose elicit remorse for sexual assault? What word count best equates to appropriate jail time? In this class, we will dissect what empathy and accountability might look like so undergrads may successfully mimic them on paper in pursuit of avoiding just punishment." buff.ly/5na4oMY
buff.ly
Announcing Cornell University’s Newest Writing Course: Rape Essays 101
“Can a rapist’s prose effectively elicit remorse for sexual assault? What word count best equates to appropriate jail time? In this class, we will dissect wh...
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 6h
Crossing my fingers this is what gets me in the door at Dunkin
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 27/09/2026
I’m not just a writer, I’m also a member. Sign up!
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
Word is they're sending Lucy a strongly worded letter... My latest at @mcsweeneys.net
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Unhinged in the best possible ways.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 20/09/2026
Shamelessly proud of "whateth the actual fucketh?" Now go geteth the jab, folks!
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Open Letters columns always hit well at @mcsweeneys.net but this one hits me much lower than usual.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Some jabby thoughts from above in my latest at @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-...
mcsweeneys.net
An Important Vaccine Update from the Lord Thy God
“Vaccines were supposed to be on the tablets the whole time. Wild, right? But, in My defense, I had just created heaven and earth, and parted the Red Sea, an...
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Reposted by Jack
McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 11/09/2026
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wel...
mcsweeneys.net
Welcoming Remarks Made at a Literary Reading, 9/25/01
For 24 years now, we’ve wondered what might be appropriate on this day, and we can never think of anything more appropriate than this piece, which John Hodgm...
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
Personally attacked.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 02/09/2026
Lotta people hating on poor ol' Book Doug this week. I am too! And I created him.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/aaa...
mcsweeneys.net
“AAAGGGHHH!!!” A Memo from Animal, Your New Editor-in-Chief
“WE MAKE NEWS LOUDER. IF STORY GOOD ON ONE SIDE, SHOW OTHER SIDE TOO. OTHER SIDE WRONG? OTHER SIDE WANT BLEACH IN VEINS? ANIMAL RUN BOTH. REPORT BOTH SIDES. ...
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 01/09/2026
Fantastic. Biodiversity is fun and funny!
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 28/08/2026
Man, what an asshole!
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 22/08/2026
Unhinged and brilliantly funny.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
Grateful to see my piece become a regular part of the bluesky rotation this week.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 11/08/2026
Writing this one was a big job, for sure, but someone had to do it.
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Reposted by Jack
McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 05/08/2026
"How do I like a profile? Please highlight what you like and add a query."
mcsweeneys.net
FAQ About “Conjunctions,” Our Dating App for Copy Editors
How do I like a profile? Please highlight what you like and add a query.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 03/08/2026
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ign...
mcsweeneys.net
Ignorance Isn’t the Absence of Knowledge; It Is the Presence of Maximum Comfort
“Is this willful blindness dressed as philosophy? Perhaps. But isn’t willful blindness, at scale, the churning engine of unbridled optimism?”
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
I'm convinced that "hell" for satirists is forever existing in a world where the line between what we write and what we live simply disappears.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/aaa... A favorite of mine from @mcsweeneys.net
mcsweeneys.net
“AAAGGGHHH!!!” A Memo from Animal, Your New Editor-in-Chief
“WE MAKE NEWS LOUDER. IF STORY GOOD ON ONE SIDE, SHOW OTHER SIDE TOO. OTHER SIDE WRONG? OTHER SIDE WANT BLEACH IN VEINS? ANIMAL RUN BOTH. REPORT BOTH SIDES. ...
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Reposted by Jack
McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 27/07/2026
Modern warfare is full of consequences that continue to exist even after the president says they do not. Fortunately, the Pentagon has begun replacing outdated military doctrine with a simpler system that should feel familiar to anyone who has ever lost an argument near a swing set. buff.ly/bf8t2xx
mcsweeneys.net
“Nuh-Uh,” “Not It,” and Other New Pentagon Strategies for Winning at War
“Modern warfare is full of consequences that continue to exist even after the president says they do not. Fortunately, the Pentagon has begun replacing outda...
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Reposted by Jack
McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 23/07/2026
"They enjoy displaying their skill even if little is actually accomplished and it takes longer than necessary."
buff.ly
Rationale for War with Iran or Reason Men Back Into Parking Spaces?
“They enjoy displaying their skill even if little is actually accomplished and it takes longer than necessary.”
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 23/07/2026
As someone with one more McSweeney's column bucket list item to go (Reviews of New Food! It escapes me still), this piece today leaves me with the knowledge I have a lot of work to do to clear the bar. Great stuff www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ald...
mcsweeneys.net
Reviews of New Food: Aldi Crystal Clear Frozen Ice Cubes
“This box looks utilitarian. The font doesn’t make me feel like I belong to a country club or drive a luxury SUV. There’s no mention of whiskey (or whisky). ...
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ern... For the big man's birthday today (and a certain week next week!) @mcsweeneys.net
mcsweeneys.net
Ernest Hemingway’s Shark Week
“A man sits in a boat. He is not old. He is not young. He has not paid taxes in thirteen years. The bait is old. The stench hangs like a debt. He lowers the ...
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
My boy had a big weekend www.pointsincase.com/articles/why...
pointsincase.com
Why Shouldn’t Odysseus Be from Southie?
Aeolus gives me a leather sack full of wind, and my guys open it because they think it’s a Market Basket bag full of Munchkins.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 17/07/2026
Dusting off this @mcsweeneys.net piece of mine for no particular reason at all www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ins... #elections
mcsweeneys.net
Instead of Losing Democratic Elections, What If We Just Stopped Having Them Altogether?
“For decades, America has been trapped in an outdated framework called ‘democracy,’ wherein candidates campaign for votes, the ballots are counted, and whoev...
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Reposted by Jack
Points in Case @pointsincase.com · 15/07/2026
Aeolus gives me a leather sack full of wind, and my guys open it because they think it’s a Market Basket bag full of Munchkins.
pointsincase.com
Why Shouldn’t Odysseus Be from Southie?
Aeolus gives me a leather sack full of wind, and my guys open it because they think it’s a Market Basket bag full of Munchkins.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
I'm branching out! Some very near and dear humor writing from me about this big new movie coming out this week up at @pointsincase.com ! #boston #theodyssey www.pointsincase.com/articles/why...
pointsincase.com
Why Shouldn’t Odysseus Be from Southie?
Aeolus gives me a leather sack full of wind, and my guys open it because they think it’s a Market Basket bag full of Munchkins.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 12/07/2026
As is the case with much modern satire, including my own, it is becoming more and more difficult to determine what is humor and what is actually happening.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 02/07/2026
Feel like I might have to dust this one off after every Court session for the foreseeable future.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 01/07/2026
I'm working through a few more feelings today at @mcsweeneys.net
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Reposted by Jack
McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 28/06/2026
"You were there because ducks go where the water is. This is one of the nicer things about ducks. You have a practical theology. If there is water, enter it. If there is bread, inhale it. If there are small ducklings nearby, arrange yourself into a vigilant flotilla and continue."
buff.ly
An Open Letter to the Dead Duck Seen Floating In the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool
“You did not paddle through the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to participate in a national metaphor. To you, this was not a site of national remembrance, ...
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 24/06/2026
Sure feels like Supergirl's real superpower is compelling misogynists to unwittingly expose themselves for all the world to see and laugh at online. #supergirl
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 23/06/2026
Tough, but necessary, because I do love the ducks. Another one up at @mcsweeneys.net today
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
Fantastic and opened my eyes to a new band. What a win.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 20/06/2026
We are so, so close www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-s...
mcsweeneys.net
I, Sisyphus, Am Ninety-Five Percent of the Way There
“The remaining 5 percent concerns only the final portion of the hill, the tendency of the boulder to inevitably roll back down to the very beginning, the ete...
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 20/06/2026
We are almost there www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-s...
mcsweeneys.net
I, Sisyphus, Am Ninety-Five Percent of the Way There
“The remaining 5 percent concerns only the final portion of the hill, the tendency of the boulder to inevitably roll back down to the very beginning, the ete...
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
Word is they sternly told the stone to no longer roll down the hill and that this was the approach that finally worked! Definitely a fun one to write and see enjoyed (bittersweetly?) in the world. Onward and upward!
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 08/06/2026
Cathartic to write. Pelley is one of my favorites.
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Reposted by Jack
That Librarian: Amanda Jones @librarianjones.com · 08/06/2026
Every American should watch this interview between two very well respected journalists. And after you watch it, you tell me with a straight face that what’s happening in the U.S. isn’t frightening. youtu.be/ePqdmbgQ4BI?...
youtu.be
Scott Pelley on His Firing and the ‘Massacre’ at ‘60 Minutes’ | The Interview
YouTube video by The Interview
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 05/06/2026
Sent this one to a few family members. Just because.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 29/05/2026
Selfishly, could one of those ones I have to dust off repeatedly and incessantly, until the end of time.
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
The @mcsweeneys.net lists are on a real tear recently
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 26/05/2026
In which I write more political satire catharsis to help get me through the days that feel, more and more, like rolling a boulder up a hill.
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Reposted by Jack
McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 25/05/2026
"You probably hope you can fall back to sleep in a few minutes, but I assure you, you cannot. I’m about to turn it up. I’ve got some buddies out here to rip off a cacophony, and we don’t take harmonization lightly. We live by the song, die by the song."
buff.ly
Wake Up, You Lazy Skin Sack. I’m a Songbird and It’s 4 A.M.
“I love each new day, what it might bring, the possibilities, the joy of the unknown. One thing is certain, though, and that’s the yelling I will do out of m...
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Reposted by Jack
McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 20/05/2026
"A BELL tolls. POE nonchalantly flexes his guns: boom, boom. A RAVEN in a nearby magnolia swoons, falls from the tree, and expires."
buff.ly
Scenes from The Baltimore Beefcake, an Edgar Allan Poe Biopic in Which He is Totally Jacked
“A BELL tolls. POE nonchalantly flexes his guns: boom, boom. A RAVEN in a nearby magnolia swoons, falls from the tree, and expires.”
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Jack @jackloftus.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
Reading this gem about USB cables took me back to a 2012 @mcsweeneys.net classic: www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/in-...
mcsweeneys.net
In Which I Fix My Girlfriend’s Grandparents’ WiFi and Am Hailed as a Conquering Hero
Dec 23 2021 12/23/22 12/24/23 12/17/25
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Reposted by Jack
McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 10/05/2026
"If voters keep rejecting our agenda, are voters the problem? If courts keep ruling against us, is the Constitution too woke? If counting every single little ballot produces undesirable outcomes, might counting fewer of them produce desirable ones?" www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ins...
mcsweeneys.net
Instead of Losing Democratic Elections, What If We Just Stopped Having Them Altogether?
“For decades, America has been trapped in an outdated framework called ‘democracy,’ wherein candidates campaign for votes, the ballots are counted, and whoev...
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Reposted by Jack
McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 09/05/2026
"I supported the Emperor because I thought he’d learned from the Clone Wars. I thought this time would be different. But now there’s this constant vibration I can feel deep in my bones."
buff.ly
“They Would Never Use the Death Star on Us”: Alderaan Residents Reflect on Their Support for the Empire as a Large Imperial Installation Enters the System
“For this focus group, conducted shortly before a sustained green glow began emanating from the station’s superlaser array, we spoke with residents who said ...
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