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VonTraphaus

@vontraphaus.bsky.social
1.6K followers 430 following 1.9K posts

Antisocial extrovert

PostsRepliesMedia
VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 17h
I got that dog in me. (Get into a family size bag of M&m’s and give myself explosive diarrhoea, and learn nothing from it )
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Me: you should always trust your gut My gut: I cannot overstate how much better you’ll feel if you eat even a token amount of fibre and veggies Me: I don’t think there’s any science to support that
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Mourn ya til I join ya, Gladys
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Every day, stay true to my alpha primal roots by having the “caveman lunch.” It’s a kilo of beef tallow and raw bison meat. It’s over 3000 calories and tastes like garbage. I’m functionally incapacitated from 1:00-3:30
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 03/10/2026
I’m the only one keeping it gangster in this crafts store
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
Got thrown out of the strip club for “making it hail” (throwing coins)
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 11/08/2023
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 05/09/2023
You’re in her DMs, I’m in her Facebook marketplace messages trying to scam her out of a used MacBook.
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 16/07/2023
*receives a call from a blocked number* Definitely a scam *receives a call from a number not in my contacts* Not today scammers *received a call from my grandmother* Grandma? More like scam-ma
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NosferaPru @prufrockluvsong.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
Please stop calling me on my phone that's not what it's for
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Invented a new cannabis strain called “propane nightmare” but so far the only buyers are former Serbian military interrogators
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Using ancient Caucasian ritual practice to reset my body count back to zero (taking up ventriloquism)
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
The referee has called a stop to this bout 3 minutes and 12 seconds into the very first round. Declaring the winner via tickle monster,
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
If you’re wondering what morale is like at my office, management expects employees to pay for the pizza parties
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
I’m not drunk officer, I’m just Australian
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 28/08/2026
*after three martinis and a xanax* yes, air hostess, I AM capable of assisting in the event of an emergenshhy
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 21/12/2025
You can undo all the negative effects of smoking with true love’s first kiss
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Kellalena @kellalena.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
Clear the numbers off the microwave, you monster
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
Adam and Eve got kicked out of the garden of eden because of woke.
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 10/08/2026
Don’t want the boys in the bjj gym cummogging me
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Mr. Bea Arthur, Batshit Crazy™️ @steamymac.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
Her: You’re not being helpful right now. Me: I think maybe the problem here is your assumption that I wanted to be helpful.
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 10/08/2026
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
Hey guys, Ninja class is cancelled tonight. Sensei Dustin can’t find his transitions lenses
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
I believe the creation of AI data centres is destroying Bigfoot’s natural habitat, which is why we have seen an explosion of video evidence of them in recent years. I can’t explain why they have big naturals though
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 05/08/2026
That neck tattoo would have looked great if you’d stopped squirming. Your mistake was not taking the percocets that friendly cartel member sold me
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 31/07/2026
10 things my NDE taught me about B2B
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
The ska playlist stays on during sex
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 14/10/2023
Women call me “the koala” because I'm lazy and have chlamydia
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
My MBA on LinkedIn stands for “multiple brain aneurysms”
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 23/07/2026
I was with those teenagers when they died. Their last words were “the only way for us to win is to keep giving money to Israel. And the only way for you to win is to bet on the outcomes of this war. Enter promo code #purpleheart for a free 200 dollar bet on the number of American dead and wounded. “
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
Buying up diarrhoea lettuce and marketing it as organic ozempic
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
Try to run. Try to hide. Break on through to the other side
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CrazyMyra @outonthemoors.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
Gonna need people to understand the differences between digital art/photoshop and AI.
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
Six hours and twice as many whiskeys in to mandatory team building karaoke and only now do management comprehend that they cannot stop what they set in motion
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
I don’t necessarily agree when science says every KO causes brain damage, but a nasty head kick during sparring did help me discover an appreciation for nu metal
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
Hey!
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
Got slapped and pinched pretty bad by a gang of zoomers at the day time rave because I tried to rehabilitate the Lumineers’ music
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 12/07/2026
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
Gentleman, we’ve been over the rules in the locker room. Protect yourself at all times. If you wanna touch cocks, touch cocks
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
Anxiety: what if what you’ve done isn’t enough? Depression: what’s the point in even trying? Part of my brain that stores old Simpsons quotes: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
Be the carnage you wish to see in the world
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
Due to historic cost of living pressures, I’ve had to raise the size of this dump truck ass
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
Tomorrow is never promised. Commit securities fraud today
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 24/06/2026
I’m one of the elite force sent to guard Americas beloved polluted reflecting pool. If antifa so much as thinks about harming a single baby duck corpse floating upside down in the stagnant green waters, they’ll learn just how cruel the long, numb and tingling, left arm of the law can be.
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
In ten years I’ll be Britain’s prime minister. Not that I want to be, it’ll just be my turn by then
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 20/06/2026
Look at those ears buckling under the weight of all that shareholder value
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 20/06/2026
I was abducted by aliens who took me onto their craft and asked if I was free to jump on an MS Teams call real quick
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 19/06/2026
Taking a day off work so me and the boys can go throw rocks at trains
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 19/06/2026
The AI I’ve been trained to replace me can’t do a single work task, but it does have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the animorphs universe
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