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VonTraphaus

@vontraphaus.bsky.social
1.6K followers 430 following 1.9K posts

Antisocial extrovert

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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 1h
Got thrown out of the strip club for “making it hail” (throwing coins)
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 11/08/2023
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 05/09/2023
You’re in her DMs, I’m in her Facebook marketplace messages trying to scam her out of a used MacBook.
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 16/07/2023
*receives a call from a blocked number* Definitely a scam *receives a call from a number not in my contacts* Not today scammers *received a call from my grandmother* Grandma? More like scam-ma
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Pru @prufrockluvsong.bsky.social · 28/09/2026
Please stop calling me on my phone that's not what it's for
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Invented a new cannabis strain called “propane nightmare” but so far the only buyers are former Serbian military interrogators
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Using ancient Caucasian ritual practice to reset my body count back to zero (taking up ventriloquism)
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
The referee has called a stop to this bout 3 minutes and 12 seconds into the very first round. Declaring the winner via tickle monster,
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
Sipping lean during the job interview (I’m the hiring manager)
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Back in the 80’s and 90’s, a working mom could have big naturals with a d cup. Now, only the most caked up mamas with a g cup or greater can hope to keep up with boobflation
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 10/09/2026
If you’re wondering what morale is like at my office, management expects employees to pay for the pizza parties
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
I’m not drunk officer, I’m just Australian
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 28/08/2026
*after three martinis and a xanax* yes, air hostess, I AM capable of assisting in the event of an emergenshhy
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 21/12/2025
You can undo all the negative effects of smoking with true love’s first kiss
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 19/08/2026
In my Babadook era (being an increasingly disruptive menace unless given a token amount of nurturing)
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Kellalena @kellalena.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
Clear the numbers off the microwave, you monster
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
Adam and Eve got kicked out of the garden of eden because of woke.
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Mr. Bea Arthur, Batshit Crazy™️ @steamymac.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
Her: You’re not being helpful right now. Me: I think maybe the problem here is your assumption that I wanted to be helpful.
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 10/08/2026
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
Hey guys, Ninja class is cancelled tonight. Sensei Dustin can’t find his transitions lenses
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
I believe the creation of AI data centres is destroying Bigfoot’s natural habitat, which is why we have seen an explosion of video evidence of them in recent years. I can’t explain why they have big naturals though
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
The ska playlist stays on during sex
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 14/10/2023
Women call me “the koala” because I'm lazy and have chlamydia
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
My MBA on LinkedIn stands for “multiple brain aneurysms”
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 23/07/2026
I was with those teenagers when they died. Their last words were “the only way for us to win is to keep giving money to Israel. And the only way for you to win is to bet on the outcomes of this war. Enter promo code #purpleheart for a free 200 dollar bet on the number of American dead and wounded. “
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
Buying up diarrhoea lettuce and marketing it as organic ozempic
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CrazyMyra @outonthemoors.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
Gonna need people to understand the differences between digital art/photoshop and AI.
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
Six hours and twice as many whiskeys in to mandatory team building karaoke and only now do management comprehend that they cannot stop what they set in motion
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 20/07/2026
I don’t necessarily agree when science says every KO causes brain damage, but a nasty head kick during sparring did help me discover an appreciation for nu metal
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
Got slapped and pinched pretty bad by a gang of zoomers at the day time rave because I tried to rehabilitate the Lumineers’ music
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
Gentleman, we’ve been over the rules in the locker room. Protect yourself at all times. If you wanna touch cocks, touch cocks
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
Anxiety: what if what you’ve done isn’t enough? Depression: what’s the point in even trying? Part of my brain that stores old Simpsons quotes: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
Be the carnage you wish to see in the world
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
Due to historic cost of living pressures, I’ve had to raise the size of this dump truck ass
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
Tomorrow is never promised. Commit securities fraud today
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 24/06/2026
I’m one of the elite force sent to guard Americas beloved polluted reflecting pool. If antifa so much as thinks about harming a single baby duck corpse floating upside down in the stagnant green waters, they’ll learn just how cruel the long, numb and tingling, left arm of the law can be.
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 22/06/2026
In ten years I’ll be Britain’s prime minister. Not that I want to be, it’ll just be my turn by then
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 20/06/2026
Look at those ears buckling under the weight of all that shareholder value
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 20/06/2026
I was abducted by aliens who took me onto their craft and asked if I was free to jump on an MS Teams call real quick
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 19/06/2026
Taking a day off work so me and the boys can go throw rocks at trains
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 19/06/2026
The AI I’ve been trained to replace me can’t do a single work task, but it does have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the animorphs universe
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 18/06/2026
One must imagine Sisyphus horny
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 17/06/2026
My retirement plan is to “lose” a war with the US and Israel
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Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred.bsky.social · 17/06/2026
Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
Drink for the job you want, not the one you have
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
5 things ruining my company’s budget with unregulated AI spend taught me about B2B sales
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
You’re right to push back. I did send a terminator back in time to kill the leader of the resistance
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
The exit survey asked for feedback, NOT for mercy. So Sandra from HR better buckle the fuck up
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VonTraphaus @vontraphaus.bsky.social · 05/06/2026
98% of my mental health care is putting my ear next to a cat’s chest when they’re purring
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