RIVER FOREST, IL—Proposing that it might be kind of fun to share their life experiences with another person or persons, sources speculated Thursday that it would probably be nice having friends. “Gosh, it would probably be pretty cool to have a few select people in your life to do stuff with on a regular basis,” said the sources, stressing that while they had no personal experience with the concept of mutual affection, their observation of thousands of other people interacting in small groups, talking and occasionally laughing, made friendship seem as if it could be really great. “I bet it would be a blast to just eat food with a few coworkers, fellow students from school, or even just like-minded people from wherever. Just good friends hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. That would probably be nice.” At press time, sources were also speculating that perhaps some people were just meant to be alone.

THE HEAVENS—Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked the gates of heaven Tuesday after spotting Mormon missionaries mil...