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guelph’s finest poster

@nordicshrew.bsky.social
392 followers 80 following 159 posts

i was too controversial for the other websites so now i'm here. if you see any of my posts without likes it's because they are too controversial.

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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
sometimes i think about woody harrelson blowing his ass off with a mk2 grenade in the thin red line. an exceedingly poetic film. and he blows his own ass entirely off his body in it. it sort of says a bunch of stuff about life. that’s the genius of malick.
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
everyone has moved on from it but i still can’t stop thinking about how i would kill dobby and how good it would make me feel
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
private [saluting]: lunch launcher is ready to engage targets on your orders, sir me [facing away, looking through binoculars]: time? Pvt: noon, sir me [gritting teeth]: no. no… it’s too simple. they’ll be expecting classic lunchtime. [turning to face him] make it 2:17pm Pvt [nervously]: sir…?
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 29/07/2026
when the lady on the beach keeps telling matt damon to eat his "Flower of Wife-Forgetting"... you'd better believe i would have pulled a gun. no ma'am. i will not forget my girlfriend ever. or wife. whichever the case may be. no ma'am i won't. why don't you eat the damn flower if you love it so much
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
nobody wants to be a dolt anymore. all the guys who were in that vocational stream got hoovered into either the freak field or the idiot field. i am sad to have to admit it, but the dolt has gone the way of the clod
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 19/07/2026
the important thing is not whether you win or lose, but how severely you manage to demean the loser-ass country of argentina. by this metric, both teams tonight “knocked it out of the park,” to use a soccer metaphor. everyone is a winner in the end
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
the government is releasing a new tim horton donut that makes it okay to have smoke inhalation if you eat enough of them per day. they said the flavour will have something to do with maple (patriotic). plus you can get tim horton points for each one you buy. not a bad deal, all things considered
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ceej @ceej.online · 16/07/2026
gonna start talking like this to my boss
screenshot where claude is saying "Good catch -- I fabricated that figure."
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David William with a 'This IS my costume' pin @nrvscrcts.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
Thinking about how most of the country is covered in wildfire smoke, much of Eastern Canada is under a heat dome, Toronto has the worst air quality in the world this morning, and federal and provincial politicians want to spew out more carbon for the sake of a few fossil fuel and AI companies.
Screen shot of firesmoke.ca showing much of Canada covered in smoke and a hundred fires burning
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eva (^_^)/ @eva.computer · 08/07/2026
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Michael DeForge @michaeldeforge.bsky.social · 29/06/2026
theijf.org/article/pro-... The Canada Revenue Agency is attempting to revoke the charitable status of HonestReporting Canada, a notorious Zionist harassment and misinformation vehicle. HRC is challenging that decision in court, but the details of that audit + revocation are extremely funny:
In the January revocation notice, tax officials noted that a few months after the audit results were sent to HRCCO in July 2025, three “backgrounders” appeared on the charity’s website with the headings "Fake Post 1," "Fake Post 2" and "Fake Post 3." Each post contained the same article, with a description of the charity at the end.

“However, the description actually refers to HRC [HonestReporting Canada] and is the same information that HRC uses on its articles,” the appendix reads.

“It appears that, in an attempt to maintain its registered status, the organization purposely created webpages that contained false/misleading information to provide the impression that it conducts its own activities.”
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I'm Dirt Mother Fucker @aynrandy.boontavista.com · 24/06/2026
Remember when those grade school kids begged Dianne Feinstein to do something about climate change and she said condescendingly "we know what we're doing" and then fell over and died
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 07/06/2026
being young means thinking that behaving like "the thing" (1982) is the only way to get ahead in the world. that’s fine until you're ~35, but growth? maturity? that's realizing that "the thing" is a bad role model. it's that realization that will stand you in good stead til the end of your days.
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
when i invented lunch, there were only two meals (the 1st: breakfast. the 2nd: dinner). anything else you ate during the course of your day was just a snack. the result? no one ever thanked me. well, so be it. it's a cruel world. but i *made* lunch happen. so, if you ate lunch today: you're welcome
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
hey man, not sure if you're getting my messages, but i need to know if you still plan to take me down to the river and tell me about how i get to tend the rabbits. no worries if not, but it's already sorta late in the afternoon. i can't make alternate plans until i know what's up
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 05/05/2026
always have a pretty easy time making friends with the ladies. when it comes to boys, though, it can be tricky. i find it best to be on opposite sides of the law and have one of us reluctantly kill the other out of adherence to a moral and professional code that is both keenly felt and inscrutable.
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 01/05/2026
can’t sleep because my boss is going to be shooting me out of a cannon at a cinderblock wall just before lunch (no helmet, either). and it’s rent day. but on the plus side, then it’s the weekend
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 27/04/2026
career change juvenile delinquent juvenile delinquent maximum age juvenile delinquent too old best pants juvenile delinquent juvenile delinquent jeans juvenile delinquent best cigarettes 2026 leather jacket amazon amazon motorcycle amazon ebike amazon tricycle
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 25/04/2026
the fellers and i are going to consign ourselves to the dustbin of history tonight if you wanna join
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 17/04/2026
i'm the guy at the north pole who fires the elves out of a cannon. i don't work for santa and it is not an official form of elf punishment. i just like doing it. the authorities are trying to arrest me for serial murder, which is why i use nordvpn. nordvpn is a cost-effective way to protect your pri
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 09/04/2026
[nodding as a primordial fear builds in me like a tiny capuchin monkey that just heard the throaty rumble of a nearby predatory cat] right on, right on
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 31/03/2026
who wrote this fuckin headline, the gift-horse-mouth-looker?
news headline that reads "Why are bags of Big Mac sauce washing up along the Bay of Fundy?"
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 23/03/2026
were i a rabbit, my name would probably be thumper. the problem with this, of course, is that there's already a famous rabbit named thumper in a disney film, which leaves me in a very awkward place. it'd be like if there was another musician going by "prince." i would need to kill the other thumper
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 10/03/2026
hamnet... sounds like the sorta thing a feller might use to catch himself a hog
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 23/02/2026
i'm not even a big bad wolf myself, and i have no dog in this fight... but there is something about the ways and manners of the three little pigs that has me "seeing red" when i think of them
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 19/02/2026
one needn't like them to admit that both father and son have a certain "je ne sais quoi" when it comes to car rides
prince phillip riding in a car and looking like a boris karloff character in heavy makeupthe andrew formerly known as prince riding in a car after his arrest and looking like a total freak
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 13/02/2026
five days later and i am still watching this over and over, hoping that the outcome will magically change somehow. i lost $372,424.91 on this fucking game
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Mark Dowling @markdowling.bsky.social · 12/02/2026
It is absolutely bonkers that Canada isn’t stepping up here. Aside from the tourism ties, it is a looming humanitarian catastrophe. If Canada led, regardless of Washington’s position, others would surely follow.
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 21/01/2026
meeting my friend 8 so we can race to the bottom
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 01/01/2026
given that we have reached the necessary temporal distance for clear and sober reflection on his legacy, i have no problem whatsoever with saying that the man should have been known as president wrongald reagan
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 31/12/2025
elmo has been shot in dealey plaza. more to follow
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 03/12/2025
i’d pay good money to see this smug sack of shit try to tackle an icy hill in the blackest depths of a canadian winter. ridiculous vehicle. fuck you
a smiling worm wearing a hat and driving a car made from an apple, which has very small wheels and a high centre of gravity. it is wholly unsuited to steep inclines in inclement weather
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vanoreo @vanoreo.bsky.social · 02/12/2025
There is exactly 1 way that this sort of thing is put to a stop
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vanoreo @vanoreo.bsky.social · 02/12/2025
they’re doing this specifically because they know it upsets people, they do not give a shit about being ratioed on twitter
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 23/11/2025
getting up to check the DoorDash arrivals board and having it provide me with the first indications that 9/11 is happening again
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 04/11/2025
checking in once again with the all-time king roy orbison. got a sweet little playlist cooked up on tidal with a bunch of my favourites: crying, only the lonely, running scared, engine on in the garage, golden gate bridge, desperate (make it stop), pretty woman, no funeral, and of course, ooby dooby
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 27/10/2025
calling Monster Mash a "halloween novelty song" has proven, time and again, to be a massive miscalculation. seriously one of the most poorly aged takes of all time. it is a song for all occasions and all times of year. it was played at queen elizabeth II's funeral for a reason.
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 22/10/2025
i think if i walked around with the assault on precinct 13 theme playing it would be cool. and potentially slightly badass as well.
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 05/10/2025
thanks for the milkshake, man. you didn’t have to. [sipping thoughtfully] say, are you trying to lull me into a false sense of anything, by any chance? i won’t be mad, i’m just curious
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more mr. spice guy @juniorhoncho.bsky.social · 29/09/2025
INTERVIEWER: As you know, we are a nation beset by myriad horrors. What are you doing to fight back? SCHUMER: I have been reaching out to the horrors, many of which are friends, in hopes of working together on this for all Americans. You demand we descend into hell? Well ok, but let's do it right.
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 28/09/2025
just saw a few squirrels staging and attending a production of waiting for godot at coordinates 43.6875438, -80.4403747
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 24/09/2025
let’s get carson back next
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 22/09/2025
not going to work on tuesday. going to tell them i got raptured. then when wednesday rolls around and i show up at the office, i’ll explain that heaven sent me back because i forgot my puffer. my co-workers don’t know i’m not asthmatic. should be easy enough to fake an attack or two per year
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 16/09/2025
got a customer service email from eventbrite's own [squinting] Himmler...?
screenshot of a customer service email from eventbrite that ends with "Have a great day! Best Regards, Himmler. The Eventbrite Customer Experience Team"
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 11/09/2025
saw a trailer for the bruce springsteen movie and they basically do the "bruce springsteen has to think about his whole life before he plays" thing. we can't go back to this stuff. i'm sorry. hollywood cries out for the cleansing fire of another dewey cox film
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 03/09/2025
yet another day of being black bagged, shoved in a car, driven to a second location, shot in the head, and dumped in a muddy culvert by my enemies (rhetorically)
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 28/08/2025
[five beers in at the bar, i pull a crumpled photograph of myself and another 5’9 guy out of my pocket and tap on his face with my finger] that’s my buddy gravy dave. we was munchkins together in oz. [tearing up] he didn’t make it. witch got him. they’re pretty sure it was her. never found the body
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 25/08/2025
had some gruel at a restaurant last night that i hadn’t had before— oatmeal congee. can’t stop thinking about it. woke up at 5:15 am thinking about how badly i wanted another bowl of slop. crazy flavour profile. one of the best things i have ever tasted. and you could shoot it at me with a big hose
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 17/08/2025
might treat myself to a garment from the limited liability bean clothing company this autumn… if i deserve it. i don’t right now. i couldn’t justify it right now, on the basis of my behaviour of late
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guelph’s finest poster @nordicshrew.bsky.social · 12/08/2025
this amounts to less than one surprise per day. was business insider simply not able to find a writer with a more developed sense of wonder
picture of a person in sunglasses wearing a backpack and standing on a train platform while smiling over their shoulder at the camera. headline text reads "i backpacked across europe for the first time, and 10 things surprised me about the 2-week adventure." below the headline is the business insider logo and byline
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