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Marty

@martytix.bsky.social
57 followers 182 following 215 posts

Professional Internet person, buy my book. I probably recommended something to you and it's because I want to help

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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
"Hey cool meta glasses! Remember last time we were hanging out and you were plotting to kill Mark Zuckerberg and rape his wife? You wanna talk more about that now?" Make sure you say that as loud as you can so the mic picks it up
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 09/09/2026
Humanity peaked with gogurt, and since then it's been a smooth steady downturn
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 31/08/2026
You're telling me Metro, Goldwyn, and Mayer worked together on this joint?
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Marisa Kabas @marisakabas.bsky.social · 26/08/2026
you should wear a bike helmet
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 26/08/2026
They need to update puffcos so you can track them in apple find my or Android device hub
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salad @thesaladmancer.bsky.social · 17/08/2026
ultra walk (i made this in ms paint in like 10 minutes with my mouse for the sake of a joke in a discord server)
A parody version of the ULTRAKILL: INFINITE HYPERDEATH cover art, except V1 is replaced by one of the player characters from Big Walk. It is shooting a flare-gun instead of the pistol.
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Katie Slivensky @kslivensky.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
Shout-out to libraries. Where else can you just chill outside with a 4yo as you pretend to be magic fairies careening about a large grassy area, then pop indoors for air conditioning, coloring pages, and benches to read four books in a row that you then get to take home, no charge? Libraries rule.
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
People invited to the blunt rotation
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
Old people should shoplift more, they won't have to deal with self checkouts at all, and the optics of a store with a paddy wagon of old people out front can't look good, it's a win win for old people and a straight loss for corporations.
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Haus of Decline @hausofdecline.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
Bob Dylan says "smoke weed, you fuckin putz." Ringo says "please no Bob Dylan, I just want me alcohol." John Lennon says "c'mon Ringo. Don't be a pussy." Ringo says "Paul... back me up on this." Paul says "no, John's right. You're being a huge pussy right now." George stands there, silent."
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
You know usually the three letter agencies people aren't this blatantly transparent but it's impressive when one slips through the cracks.
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
It's woke 2 in the US but they call it woke 4 in Japan
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 10/08/2026
Was anyone else let down when they went to a cheesecake factory for the first time and didn't see any assembly line for cake. Its just a fucking restaurant why would they call it that?
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 09/08/2026
Exclusive?
A screenshot showing the seasoning options for fries from the chain restaurant Wingstop. One of the options shown is a limited exclusive item called "Jerk seasoning" the poster is implicating a dumb joke that the Wingstop employees are str8 jorkin on your fries
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Haus of Decline @hausofdecline.bsky.social · 01/08/2026
A man says "before we fuck, please consult the consent puppet" Another man asks the puppet "do you consent to sexual relations?" The puppet crumples its mouth like nervous Kermit. It then exuberantly shouts YAAAAAA, opening its mouth wide.
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 01/08/2026
Yo they added a Stinky Feet mode to Lego party
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
Sometimes you have to go on a 3 day bender to remind your garmin who's boss
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 24/07/2026
They should make a therapist that you can go to at 10pm and get a beer.
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 23/07/2026
You can always search "NFL player domestic violence" set the limit to 1 week, and still get like 40 articles. I have been doing this on and off for years
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
Cops need to complain about funding more
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 22/07/2026
Tell the debt collectors they got scammed, happens to everyone sometimes, what can ya do?
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
There is no point in responding as he has already depicted one side as Chad and the other as soy, it's an infallible position.
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 19/07/2026
How many cops are paid to just stand around and watch this game?
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
When you get your doc license they make you take an oath with a hippopotamus to always help people, and that's why it's called HIPPA
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
You know Will Smith can't enjoy a plate of spaghetti anymore
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 18/07/2026
I'm not gonna watch the Odyssey until they do a book version of it
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
Making everything Las Vegas seems like a bad idea
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 11/07/2026
I'm smoking a blunt with juror 12 and juror 10 is in the corner PISSED OFF
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 09/07/2026
We gotta actually see Trump die on camera, if it comes to a situation similar to McConnell they'll just do this exact thing forever.
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 08/07/2026
I love getting 5 things from Costco for $98
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
They know if they announce the death it gives us hope for a better future
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 07/07/2026
I think we've had more kids killed in school than people killed on 9/11. I don't know the best way to verify this info but the numbers have got to be close.
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 05/07/2026
Every canned drink should be in a tall boy, or one of those lil baby cans because they are cute 12 fl oz is a bastard volume
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
Next time you go in for your annual review, make sure you ask for more compensation in the form of kisses. If kisses can not be provided then trident layers is fine.
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 02/07/2026
Big shout-out to the trans woman working at Ulta that helped me find a moisturizer/exfoliater for like $25.
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joannes @playthroughline.com · 30/06/2026
A vicious cycle of four steps surrounding a black cat with a thousand-yard stare and a dapper little tie. The four endlessly cycling steps read:

-going forward we're gonna need more of your data to make sure it's you

-ahaha youre not gonna believe this but we had a bit of a data breach

-your data is probably for sale online now

-that means someone could easily impersonate you
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 21/06/2026
The word can't be illegal if nobody knows how to spell it
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 09/08/2025
I will never forgive the unreal engine for its crimes against storage space
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 20/06/2026
Action movie scene where the main character takes out a bad guy with a tacticool m4 and throws it on the ground for the dead guys AK.
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 17/06/2026
Me in therapy this morning
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 12/06/2026
"It appears the fans in Carolina tonight are chanting for Bussy" "You can't blame em John, Bussy has saved my life more than once"
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
There are more trees than people, there are more guns than people. We give every tree a gun...
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 09/06/2026
We need to find a way to make robots.txt law
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Kaido Genkai: An Anime Racing RPG @kaidogenkai.com · 03/06/2026
👏 Thank you! www.kickstarter.com/projects/kai...
kickstarter.com
Kaido Genkai: An Anime Racing RPG
An open-world, cel shaded racing adventure set in a fictional 90s Japanese countryside.
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NY Times Pitchbot @nytpitchbot.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
“I’m Kid Rock.” “I’m Naomi Wolf.” “I’m Kanye West.” “I’m Matt Taibbi.” “I’m Catturd. Those stories, plus Rob Schneider, tonight on 60 Minutes.”
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Luke O'Neil @lukeoneil47.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
Encore
Encore
This machine wasn't killing any fascists at all. Zero dead fascists due to this machine. A lot of them were dancing in fact. Having the time of their lives. More than a few in tears. Craftsmanship isn’t what it used to be regrettably. It could be that. You know what they say about a poor carpenter though. Fuck it I smashed the thing in half on the drumkit out of frustration and cut up my fingers pretty good in the process. I realized for the first time how sharp the edges of it could be. The crowd still thought it was all part of the show.
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Haus of Decline @hausofdecline.bsky.social · 25/05/2026
Sora asks Donald and Goofy "what world should we go to next, Gang?" He points to a planet that is composed of a plantation. The music in the background is "Zip-A-Dee Doo Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Day." The planet is labelled "Reconstruction-Era Georgia." Sora asks "how about this one?" Goofy grabs Sora by the shoulder and angrily shakes his head. Donald, cringing, shakes his hands.
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Marty @martytix.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
Move fast and break silicon valley
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Jane @jane.meangirls.online · 19/05/2026
repost James Handlefini for one year of good luck
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