Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 21/06/2025Dating in the year 2025 Him: hey wanna meet up? Me: sure! what day works for you [days later] Me: hey there, are you still interested in meeting? Him: whoawhoawhoa you’re being very pushy rn 0180
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 29/04/2025Me: ya no I’m totally cool with it Narrator: she was not in fact, ya no totally cool with it 0173
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 20/04/2025Went on holiday for 4 days, came back Sat and this was Bagel’s reaction. I’m the worst 9721
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 05/04/2025Reddit keeps suggesting r/menopause and I’m about to pause my life 1200
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 05/02/2025My brain all day: *aggressively anxious thoughts* My brain at 11pm when I’m trying to sleep: abra-cadab-abracadaaabra! feel the beat under your feet, the floor's on fire! abra-cadab-abracadaaabra! 2285
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 29/01/2025Being an adult means spending hours online searching “best toilet reddit” 0264
Reposted by LaurazepamCoach Rusty @coachrusty.bsky.social · 27/01/2025Hey I see you struggling and just want you to remember you can always do that somewhere more private 17735146
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 18/01/2025Stooop I’m extra large fries happy whenever I think about you ♥️ 010
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 10/01/2025Me: everyone who says nice things to me is lying Therapist: are you lying when you say nice things to others? Me: never Therapist: so why would you assume they are? Me: Therapist: Me: because shut up that’s why 58411
Reposted by LaurazepamKalvin the Reindeer @kalvinmacleod.bsky.social · 09/01/2025WIFE: we're at a nice restaurant so please behave ME: ok WAITER: here is our tasting menu ME: WAITER: WIFE: go ahead ME: *tentatively licks menu* 422243279
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 10/01/2025It’s true but we love them and do their bidding anyway. Happily. Like idiots. 011
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 10/01/2025The romantasy genre’s so popular with women cause the male main character always makes sure the female main character comes before he does and therein lies the fantasy 3202
Reposted by LaurazepamBlair Spookily @blairloudly.bsky.social · 05/01/2025[ceo tossing and turning in bed] the air. the air they breathe should be a subscription service. 653943971
Reposted by LaurazepamSteven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 08/01/2025They should make a paintballing for sensitive boys, where we just gallivant through meadows gently daubing one another with watercolours. 19474113
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 06/01/2025My favorite thing about cats is how you can’t be near them but they can be near you 1505
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 04/01/2025Got a letter in the mail from AARP addressed to my mom…who has been dead for 30yrs. So. There’s that. No follow up joke here. My brain’s literally void of thoughts, just renewed trauma floating around 3250
Reposted by LaurazepamJohn Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil @thealexnevil.bsky.social · 21/12/2024That’s two more carolers. Time to reset the trap. 694161670
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 22/12/2024Emotional damage for having the audacity! $10million & a lifetime of treats 110
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 22/12/2024 Cat 911: what’s your emergency Cat: my human is bleeding to death! 911: stay calm. what happened Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so I scratched and bit her 911: Cat: 911: hahahaha Cat: ahahaHAHA Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA 1353685
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 19/12/2024Did I overmix every single batch? Yes. Am I still gonna eat them and make other people also eat them?Also yes. 0210
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 18/12/2024The jumpscare that occurs when that happens I lose a year of my life 110
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 18/12/2024Getting your hair done at the salon gives you time to ask yourself the important questions like why your face has to look like your face 3374
Laurazepam @laurazepam.bsky.social · 17/12/202410am: tired 2pm: tired 5pm: tired 8pm: tired 11pm: popular. you’re gonna be pop-u-lar! 3559
Reposted by LaurazepamViktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social · 12/12/2024All the other scientists are yelling at me because I’m wearing the Doomsday Clock like Flavor Flav 322505521
