iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

The trouble with summoning an ancient god is that they spend a lot of time describing their choice of route to the summoning place and how they avoided the roadworks on the A3.

000

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Cloud Cover - When your normal cloud can't make it.

032

#LunchPun Traditionally, you're supposed to call your self a cheese-maker if you're born within the sound of Babybels.

0101

The other people in the office were complaining about someone who’s lazy, ugly and stupid. But I can’t be arsed to work out who they mean.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 28/09/2026

"My favourite Star Wars animals are called Eopie, and they're in The Phantom Menace. They're basically like dromedaries with their young" "Oh, good old Ma Camel!" "He's not in that one"

010

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 28/09/2026

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have is a very particular type of bill. A bill I use mostly for fruit." Liam Neeson - Toucan.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 26/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Being Patient - lying down unattended in a corridor.

030

Reposted by John-Paul

Glennyrodge @glennyrodge.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

When I was a kid my uncle had a pet shop, which, when you think about it, is a pretty odd thing to have as a pet.

2508

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 25/09/2026

Ed Sheeran has said he regrets sacking Darth Vader from his tour, but his repeated chants of "Free Palpatine" were attracting unwelcome publicity from the rebellion. #LunchPun

0111

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 24/09/2026

Spent all morning playing "Doom". Or, as my wife prefers to call it, being asked my opinion on her possible clothing purchases.

042

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 24/09/2026

Ruing the day means something very different to Australians. #LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 23/09/2026

The patron saint of cooking is St. Ove. #LunchPun And thanks to autocorrect for changing it to St One earlier.

480

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 23/09/2026

A recent survey found that only one in seven dwarves described themselves as happy.

1192

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 23/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Crippling - child member of a Californian street gang.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 22/09/2026

Everyone seems to disapprove of gambling companies. But they're just working to make the world a better place. #LunchPun

050

Back in the nineties, many adults had a pager. Today's young people are forced to paginate everything themselves. No wonder they're so dissatisfied. #LunchPun

050

I'm not sure that this is mostly because older people have more common sense, or have a greater agency over where they're located, though. Either way, I think we have to blame the parents.

Guardian online headline saying that "Babies ‘will face almost twice as much’ extreme fire weather in Europe than great-grandparents".

000

...and in other news, the North and South Korean military, who have been camped on opposite sides of no-man's-land since the 1950s, were recently criticised online for not allowing men who self-identify as women to go there and have resumed hostilities rather than get involved in that kind of drama.

000

On a Mac, the command for a new page is Command & Enter. Which is also the entire plot of Fifty Shades of Grey.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 20/09/2026

Is there anything more scary than a ventriloquist proposing to you in public?

031

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 18/09/2026

Is it racist to hate the London Marathon?

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 18/09/2026

The correct term for thing that connects a woman's vagina to her arsehole is a wedding. #LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 18/09/2026

First they came for the librarians, and I did not speak out; because they asked me not to.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 17/09/2026

If your Dominos order matches another customer's Dominos order, you win and can pick up another pizza from the stack. #LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 16/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Prevail - Before I converted to Islam.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 16/09/2026

There were just four of us in the bar. That made me feel really crotchety. #LunchPun

0133

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 15/09/2026

“Not my circus, not my monkeys”. The despairing cry of a monkey circus owner as all his goods are repossessed for the money he owes.

061

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 15/09/2026

One of the most significant developments in human history came during the Iron Age, when a division of labour evolved: some people focused on extracting iron, while others sold and traded it. Up to that point, if you smelt it, you dealt it. #LunchPun

080

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 15/09/2026

Politicians are suggesting that London's water supply should be in public hands, but surely we should stick to pipes.

050

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 14/09/2026

Puffer Jackets are incredibly toxic, and only the most skilful Japanese tailors can make them safe to wear.

A puffer jacket - image and, I'd imagine, excellent clothing from https://www.stradivarius.com

231

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 14/09/2026

Popped into one of the temporary urinals inside Old Trafford after the food taste test, and then slipped over. United wee stand, dish ID'd, we fall. #LunchPun

080

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 11/09/2026

The reason that the pope travels so much is because he's a roaming Catholic. #LunchPun

0100

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 11/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Brassiere - A metal barral like container with holes in which organised feminists burn their bras.

Andy Rimmer @andy200.bsky.social · 11/09/2026

Reposted by John-Paul

Chimera: predating the Chim Cheree Period #UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

081

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 10/09/2026

What a rip off. Bayeux tapestry, they said. but you can't. It has to go back to France. #LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 09/09/2026

Mont-Saint-Michel is proof that Norman is an island. #LunchPun

080

Reposted by John-Paul

ChrisP @wordsmithgetxo.bsky.social · 08/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary WITHERING: How Bilbo & Frodo made themselves invisible.

1132

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 08/09/2026

Nobody knows how to correctly pluralise athletic equipment, discuss. #LunchPun

0101

Reposted by John-Paul

Davy Hulme @hulme.bsky.social · 08/09/2026

David Beckham's son turned up for a charity football match. He asked, "What number shirt should I wear, Dad?" David said, "Wear 4 out there Romeo!"

88310

Reposted by John-Paul

Max @maxharvey79.bsky.social · 07/09/2026

My breath smells like potatoes ever since I bought this new tuber toothpaste. #LunchPun

081

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 07/09/2026

"My wife's favourite 80s movie is Moonstruck, while I prefer First Blood. She's adamant she's right, though." "She prefers some Cher over the Rambo?" "That was much earlier!" #LunchPun

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 16/10/2024

Reposted by John-Paul

My life has completely changed since I was apparently bitten by a radioactive fat old person.

021

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 06/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Suppository - The place where you store things that might have been.

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 05/09/2026

How did the Tapestry team miss this?

BBC News headline “ Prince William to attend King Harald's funeral in Norway”.