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John-Paul

@jpkeates.com
1.7K followers 3K following 3.5K posts

Parties like it's £19.99 Retired. British male; socially awkward. Profile Image - A bearded man in a room looks into the camera. He has a face best suited to a text description.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 28/09/2026
"My favourite Star Wars animals are called Eopie, and they're in The Phantom Menace. They're basically like dromedaries with their young" "Oh, good old Ma Camel!" "He's not in that one"
An Eopie in The Phantom Menace
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 21/09/2026
I'm not sure that this is mostly because older people have more common sense, or have a greater agency over where they're located, though. Either way, I think we have to blame the parents.
Guardian online headline saying that "Babies ‘will face almost twice as much’ extreme fire weather in Europe than great-grandparents".
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 14/09/2026
Puffer Jackets are incredibly toxic, and only the most skilful Japanese tailors can make them safe to wear.
A puffer jacket - image and, I'd imagine, excellent clothing from https://www.stradivarius.com
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 05/09/2026
How did the Tapestry team miss this?
BBC News headline “ Prince William to attend King Harald's funeral in Norway”.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 29/08/2026
I've just seen an advert for "instant overnight oats", and I can't work out if it's time travel or really just muesli. From the price on Ocado, it could be either.
Packet of Deliciously Ella's Apple & Almond Instant Overnight Oats
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 27/08/2026
I feel a bit ripped off. These are just normal colours. Nothing that great about them at all. #LunchPun
Packet of crayons marked “Brilliant Colours”.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 21/08/2026
Amazon 2026. I've been a customer since their early years. They've lost it. Twitter, Facebook/Instagram and now Amazon enter their MySpace phase.
A screenshot of Amazon not being helpful.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 19/08/2026
Jah Wobble from today's Guardian. When the Beatles' "She Loves You" came out, he was 5. In 1967, he was 9. Don't journalists do any basic research?
Guardian interview with Jah Wobble "Quite apart from his bus recordings, this month Wobble is releasing a Beatles covers album. “When She Loves You came out, I just thought: this is quite shit,” he remembers. “But then 67 came around. Gurus, smoking dope, Yoko Ono’s on board. I heard Strawberry Fields Forever and it just melted me.”"
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 19/08/2026
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 17/08/2026
MANOEUVRE
Henry brand of hoover
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 10/08/2026
Christ, he's quick when he sets his mind to something....
A picture of Andy Burnham on top of an article headed ""Subscriptions you can’t easily cancel, sales that aren’t sales – I’ll end the rip-offs that British people hate"
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 10/08/2026
"Keeping Criminals Behind Bars".
A photograph of Nigel Farage behind a bar pulling a pint.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 10/08/2026
Calling # a pound sign must post date keyboards. British keyboards conventionally have the £ symbol where US keyboards would have the #. I don't know how far back that goes - typewriters?
An Apple British keyboard layout where Shift and 3 are £, while # is Option and 3 (and both options are displayed on the 3 key).An Apple US keyboard layout where Shift and 3 are #, while £ is Option and 3 (although that isn't shown on the 3 key itself).
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 10/08/2026
Of course, people from Cornwall insist that the layby has to be on top of the baby.
Guardian online section link saying "Maternity cuts
In Devon, 'babies will be born in laybys'"
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 08/08/2026
A Parody of the "Now that's what I call music" cover, saying "Now that's what I call the present."
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 01/08/2026
#MustardInASongOrMovie The Colmaner's Daughter.
A still from the Coal Miner's Daughter.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 29/07/2026
"This packet contains 4-5 servings". Well no it doesn't. It contains 4.5 servings, which is 4 actual "servings".
Nutritional information from a packet of Wotsits shows that a serving is 30g and that the bag contains 4-5 servings.Packet of wotsits showing a package weight of 130g
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 25/07/2026
MAGA - Making America Go Again
Picture of the US Health Secretary Brooke Rollins from AOL with the headline "Trump's agriculture secretary says US has ‘safest food supply in the world’ amid historic Cyclospora outbreak"
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 15/07/2026
The Raleigh Farage is now available in Reform colours.
A blue Raleigh Grifter bicycle - Photograph from the Raleigh website.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 09/07/2026
Tell me about it!
Guardian sub headline - "England to get bank holiday if team win World Cup, Starmer expected to announce" with a picture of the England men's team celebrating a win.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 08/07/2026
"How did you find it?" "We didn't; it knocked on the door and told us about itself."
A picture of some green fungus and a headline, "Inside Chernobyl a fungus has been quietly feasting on radiation".

(c) information - Cladosporium sphaerospermum, cultured at the Coimbra University Hospital Centre in Portugal. (Rui Tomé/Atlas of Mycology, used with permission)
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 06/07/2026
Dick Van Dyke - Umptiddly um pum, um pum poom.
BBC Depth screenshot Dark Side of the Brazilian Butt Lift Boom.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 20/06/2026
That's not Michael Fassbender!
BBC website headline "Michael Fassbender says it is becoming harder to know what to trust online" with a picture of Michael Fassbender.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 20/06/2026
O flare of scotland when will we see your like again?
Scottish saltire plus fireworks.

From https://www.dreamstime.com/holiday-sky-fireworks-flag-scotland-image126292628
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 09/06/2026
I'm so old, I can remember when Mr Sheen was called Sr Estévez.
A can of Mr Sheen furniture polish.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 09/06/2026
It was cheaper to rent than buy a couple of things that wobbled, but didn't fall over, which is how I became the lessor of two Weebles. #LunchPun
Two bluey weebles for sale at https://bestori.co.uk/product/weebles-bluey-twin-figure-pack-bluey-and-chilli/
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 06/06/2026
Words don’t seem to score at times? It’d be helpful to either align close misses or have some indication at the base where the letter will fall. Maybe.
Screen shot of game play
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 27/05/2026
Everyone - You must add a text description to every image. Real life - Go on then...
A completely mad picture from the Guardian of a Mexican football fan wearing an astroturf poncho, sunglasses with mini world cups stuck to them and a sombrero with a football boot on it. There's more, but that's the point!
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 08/05/2026
A still from the animal remake of Casablanca. "Kid looking at ewe's ears".
Two sheep and a small goat between them. All three are seen with their heads close together, with their bodies mostly out of shot.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 04/05/2026
You're wrong, half the population have learned to look out for people like you.
A photograph of a man with the caption, "if you're white and you're my age, nobody looks out for you". From the Financial Times (I think).
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 03/05/2026
A page showing Dr Manhattan from The Watchmen.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 02/05/2026
It's worth pointing out that most chip shop friers have gas lighters.
BBC News headline Chippies sell catfish as 'traditional fish supper' with a picture of fish and chips.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 02/05/2026
It’s not the most obvious choice…
Guardian section headed How to have Sex to Spinal Tap II.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 15/04/2026
Picture of Peter mandelson in his underpants reading something.

Image from the Hounslow Herald.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 13/04/2026
Latest question on the pub's Tripadvisor page.
"Are you allowed to only order starters without the Landlady(Lady?) running to the press?"
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 07/04/2026
A monument to anyone who's ever washed a fitted sheet.
The huge sculpture "Dignity of Earth and Sky". Wikipedia describes it as "an Indigenous woman in Plains-style dress receiving a star quilt"
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 27/03/2026
Rowley Birkin QC
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 26/03/2026
Well played Guardian Quiz, well played for the answers!
A quiz question in the Guardian in which the multiple choice answers are "New York, London, Paris, Munich."
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 05/03/2026
It's because they're thick, isn't it? Surely that's the answer...
Picture of a Guardian journalist and the strapline "Why people believe the ;Jim Carrey is a clone' theory from the Guardian website.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 04/03/2026
This is on my front page of the BBC news website. The world's gone mad. This just isn't news. Perhaps I am old.
Photograph from the bbc news website of Victoria, David and (presumably) Brooklyn Beckham with the headline "David and Victoria Beckham wish Brooklyn happy birthday despite feud"
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 24/02/2026
tfw u get succession-mogged while noncemaxxing.
Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.

Picture from the BBC
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 24/02/2026
The marketing people from the Northern Ireland Tourist Board need to get a grip on their quality control
Liv Taylor stands in front of a Belstaff advert during London Fashion week. Photo from the Daily Telegraph.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 20/02/2026
Put beavers in my river? I'll be damned! #LunchPun
Picture of a Beaver on the Natural History Museum website with the caption "100 beavers set to be reintroduced to the UK this year, with more to come"
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 17/02/2026
A Dairylea triangle - for many years, somewhere lots of cheese disappeared into thin air. #LunchPun
A package of Dairylea Cheese Triangles (from Amazon).
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 26/01/2026
Oops, cropped a bit of a clanger there. #LunchPun
A picture of three of the clangers (BBC Series) with one cut off by the edge.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 22/01/2026
Eric Den Hag holding a four colour pen.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 15/01/2026
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 12/01/2026
Edvard Munch: The Discovery Feed
Edvard Munch: The Scream from the MOMA website.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 07/01/2026
Dante's Inferno, first draft. #LunchPun
A drawer from a filing cabinet, full of papers with an index card saying "various Ls".

I downloaded this from a post on Bluesky, but didn't remember to get the name of the poster, if this is yours, please let me know.
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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 19/12/2025
You were bitten by a radioactive what?
Sign with tool silhouettes, saying "Handyman".
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