iiinova — where your digital self keeps evolving

I pointed out to my boss that the machines were putting the custard under the jelly and then tipping sherry randomly over the top. She told me my issues were trifling. #LunchPun

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 20h

pre-packaged grated cheese. He wouldn’t elaborate why, despite my asking. Since then I’ve never used it. I’d love to know what the problem is.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 20h

My company was being purchased by some Venture capital company and I was chatting to one of their team, who’s job was to evaluate businesses. I asked him what the most interesting company he’d been involved with. It was a dairy. I asked what it had taught him, and he said never to eat 1/2

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 21h

You think you see exactly where the episode is going….

000

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 30/09/2026

I agree. Cellphone or mobile.

010

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 30/09/2026

A marketing challenge, since no one could ever phone a bookshop to ask about it.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 30/09/2026

You have to feel for Manchester City. The last people to have this much trouble with charges was the Light Brigade. #LunchPun

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 30/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Voiceover - Test Match Special Commentary

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 29/09/2026

I remember when I thought there was someone breaking into my house and I phoned 911 and they said we’re a 90s boy band, what can we do about it?

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 29/09/2026

But there's no way that Coldplay are the biggest band in the world. They're popular and do huge tours. The biggest bands don't meet the demand for their tickets. Oasis, Stones are like Taylor Swift - they could sell x times the concerts they actually do. You can't measure tickets that don't exist.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 29/09/2026

The Rolling Stones are probably capable of the biggest number of ticket sales, but are limited physically. Oasis would be close.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 29/09/2026

The trouble with summoning an ancient god is that they spend a lot of time describing their choice of route to the summoning place and how they avoided the roadworks on the A3.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 29/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Cloud Cover - When your normal cloud can't make it.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 29/09/2026

#LunchPun Traditionally, you're supposed to call your self a cheese-maker if you're born within the sound of Babybels.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 29/09/2026

The other people in the office were complaining about someone who’s lazy, ugly and stupid. But I can’t be arsed to work out who they mean.

020

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 28/09/2026

"My favourite Star Wars animals are called Eopie, and they're in The Phantom Menace. They're basically like dromedaries with their young" "Oh, good old Ma Camel!" "He's not in that one"

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 28/09/2026

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have is a very particular type of bill. A bill I use mostly for fruit." Liam Neeson - Toucan.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 26/09/2026

I know the feeling. I've had to find other ways to stumble across things. But it's methadone to the actual experience. There's so much stuff available everywhere; some kind of curating that I understand, would be lovely.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 26/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Being Patient - lying down unattended in a corridor.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 26/09/2026

I have always ordered Electronic Sound online. I live a little out of town, so this is just how I've done magazine buying for a ages. Which is probably indirectly why that store is closing down. But I got through my mourning period a while ago. I do miss stumbling across something unexpected though

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Reposted by John-Paul

Glennyrodge @glennyrodge.bsky.social · 25/09/2026

When I was a kid my uncle had a pet shop, which, when you think about it, is a pretty odd thing to have as a pet.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 25/09/2026

Ed Sheeran has said he regrets sacking Darth Vader from his tour, but his repeated chants of "Free Palpatine" were attracting unwelcome publicity from the rebellion. #LunchPun

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 24/09/2026

Spent all morning playing "Doom". Or, as my wife prefers to call it, being asked my opinion on her possible clothing purchases.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 24/09/2026

Ruing the day means something very different to Australians. #LunchPun

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 23/09/2026

You were missing that I'm an idiot, which is good of you.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 23/09/2026

The weird thing is that I didn't notice in my notifications either.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 23/09/2026

The patron saint of cooking is St. Ove. #LunchPun And thanks to autocorrect for changing it to St One earlier.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 23/09/2026

A recent survey found that only one in seven dwarves described themselves as happy.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 23/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Crippling - child member of a Californian street gang.

020

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 22/09/2026

Everyone seems to disapprove of gambling companies. But they're just working to make the world a better place. #LunchPun

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 21/09/2026

Back in the nineties, many adults had a pager. Today's young people are forced to paginate everything themselves. No wonder they're so dissatisfied. #LunchPun

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 21/09/2026

I'm not sure that this is mostly because older people have more common sense, or have a greater agency over where they're located, though. Either way, I think we have to blame the parents.

Guardian online headline saying that "Babies ‘will face almost twice as much’ extreme fire weather in Europe than great-grandparents".

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 21/09/2026

...and in other news, the North and South Korean military, who have been camped on opposite sides of no-man's-land since the 1950s, were recently criticised online for not allowing men who self-identify as women to go there and have resumed hostilities rather than get involved in that kind of drama.

000

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 21/09/2026

On a Mac, the command for a new page is Command & Enter. Which is also the entire plot of Fifty Shades of Grey.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 20/09/2026

Is there anything more scary than a ventriloquist proposing to you in public?

031

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 18/09/2026

Is it racist to hate the London Marathon?

020

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 18/09/2026

The correct term for thing that connects a woman's vagina to her arsehole is a wedding. #LunchPun

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 18/09/2026

First they came for the librarians, and I did not speak out; because they asked me not to.

020

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 17/09/2026

Is it named after a large wasp, or is it just big for a wasp spider?

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 17/09/2026

If your Dominos order matches another customer's Dominos order, you win and can pick up another pizza from the stack. #LunchPun

070

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 16/09/2026

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Prevail - Before I converted to Islam.

020

John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 16/09/2026

There were just four of us in the bar. That made me feel really crotchety. #LunchPun

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 15/09/2026

“Not my circus, not my monkeys”. The despairing cry of a monkey circus owner as all his goods are repossessed for the money he owes.

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 15/09/2026

One of the most significant developments in human history came during the Iron Age, when a division of labour evolved: some people focused on extracting iron, while others sold and traded it. Up to that point, if you smelt it, you dealt it. #LunchPun

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John-Paul @jpkeates.com · 15/09/2026

Politicians are suggesting that London's water supply should be in public hands, but surely we should stick to pipes.

050