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Jacob Carlson

@jacobwcarlson.me
326 followers 622 following 957 posts

I don't bang I write the good rhymes

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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 04/10/2026
Running F****t and/or Bicycle Kid don't make me choose
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 04/10/2026
Ask me tomorrow and 7 of them will be different.
A square containing the covers of 9 of my favorite albums: The Velvet Underground and Nico, The Velvet Underground; Unknown Pleasures, Joy Division; Paul's Boutique, Beastie Boys; Perfect Teeth, Unrest; Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah; Death Certificate, Ice Cube; Immation, Nas; Monk's Dream, Thelonious Monk; Maxinquaye, Tricky
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Reposted by Jacob Carlson
Super Shoe @shoe.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 01/10/2026
I should start a service (paid) where people can consult me during a variety of situations or considerations and I'll tell them how to be right. It's an enormous market and frankly I'm being selfish by not serving it.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 01/10/2026
The fact that I saw this vehicle in the parking lot for the Whole Foods on Haight St. is a little on the nose.
Photograph of a gray Toyota Camry with the license plate “CNDYFLP.” A sticker in the rear windows reads “Rice University.”
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 30/09/2026
Hey when did blueberries become Large? I don't mind, I enjoy a large berry, it just feels like I missed an announcement or something.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 21/09/2026
Fact: fires keep Sunday Scaries away
Photograph of my fireplace with a fire beginning to roll. Above the hearth is a textured white picture I’ve never really liked. On either side of the fireplace are bookshelves filled with semi-haphazardly placed books, a mishmash of colored spines. In front of the fire are blonde wood floors, covered by a carpet of a grey diamond pattern. A round marble coffee table holding a fern sits to the left edge of the photo. The photo is from my perspective sitting on the couch, and you can see the chaise on which I’m sitting covered by a grey striped blanket. My closed laptop rests on the couch next to me, its cover adorned by a sticker containing the Hieroglyphics logo. On top of that is a closed book (“I Hear a New World” by Alan Moore, if you must know)
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 16/09/2026
So there’s an AI company who just raised a $4.65B seed round. Obviously they’re calling it that as a joke, but that’s just a lot worse. Don’t do that guys. Any of it. Stop doing things of that nature.
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T. Greg Doucette @gregdoucette.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
Front page of today's Financial Times at LHR. Fun times ahead!
Photo of the Financial Times front page for 15 September 2026. Headline reads "Ten-year Treasury yield tops 5% as inflation fears batter bond markets"
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 15/09/2026
No man, we can’t go public this year, are you fucking stupid? Do you not get it? If we go public then everyone can see how powerful this shit is and the world will end. God, you people are so dumb sometimes. Just give me more money and stop asking stupid questions.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 13/09/2026
Dear god, Andy Burnham's son is an extraordinarily large one, isn't he? It feels rash to dedicate to memory any British Prime Minister just yet, let alone a PM's progeny. But this lad, as I'm sure he's accustomed to doing, has already just shoved his way into my brain.
A photo of U.K. Prime Minister (as of the evening of September 12, 2026) Andy Burnham and family, including Burnham's parents, wife, and 3 children. One of the Burnham children is a terrifically grand boy, easily the size of his siblings combined and then some. I've not learned the considerably-sized lad's name yet, as it feels premature to dedicate memory to a member of a British Prime Minister's family just yet, even one occupying as much space as this man does.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 08/09/2026
As someone who lived at Elizabeth & Grand from 2001-2004 I would like to say "no fucking shit." www.nytimes.com/2026/09/07/n...
nytimes.com
After 9/11, Documents Suggest New Yorkers Were Misled About Air Quality (Gift Article)
New York City officials are making public more than 170,000 pages of documents related to the air quality around the World Trade Center site in the months after the Sept. 11 attacks.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 08/09/2026
I just learned that not only did Linda Blair-- the actor who played the possessed girl in The Exorcist-- date Rick James, but that he would go on to write “Cold Blooded” about her after their breakup.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 07/09/2026
This is your new favorite web site. Remember web sites? They ruled. Before everything was just a link to a discrete piece of content, web sites were places full of interesting and gratifying words all of a theme. This is web site: jtierney.net
jtierney.net
Where to Find Me in the Afterlife
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 07/09/2026
Oh wow, this rules. TIL that My People have for centuries had their own diagnosis equivalent to CRPS. And Elfshot at least gives a cause beyond the "lol idk, let's put a computer in your spine" I got for the $2M+ spent on American doctors. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elfshot
en.wikipedia.org
Elfshot - Wikipedia
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 07/09/2026
Yoda’s corner store, the Dagobah Bodega.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 01/09/2026
I’ve been back in NYFC for 45 minutes and it’s genuinely stupid that I live somewhere else.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 30/08/2026
Is this James Patterson’s ghost writer ghost writing for Mr. Beast under the James Patterson “author brand”? Things are so weird.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 26/08/2026
www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8bm...
youtube.com
The Rocky Horror Picture Show - I'm Going Home
YouTube video by THIRDPROJECT
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 26/08/2026
2many drag queens 2soon
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 25/08/2026
Sarah Lawrence College has class interviews this week and apparently a meeting for FLMH 3149 R 1 "Divadom and Drag" was meeting when the Dolly news broke. Can you imagine being in a Zoom of prospective students for a course in Divadom and Drag when you got news that Dolly Fucking Parton had died?
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William Shakespeare @shakespeare.lol · 25/08/2026
[Exit Queen.]
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 25/08/2026
Everything should be closed. Now.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 20/08/2026
A photograph of an open on the ground, covered by a metal grate. Painted on the brick wall in front front of the grate are the words "STAND ON GRATE / PISS ON WALL." Under this someone has added the words "SLEEP ON THE FLOOR / DREAM ABOUT ME" in reference to the song "Anthems for a seventeen year-old girl" by Broken Social Scene
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 16/08/2026
You have to be with it. You have to let it be.
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Pᴜʀᴇ Dᴇᴀᴅ Gᴀᴍɪɴɢ @puredeadgaming.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
The results of the video I posted earlier was this iconic shot 👏 Danny León and his crew smashed it.
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852dude @852dude.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
Bro. People are cool as fuck.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 11/08/2026
Everyone is dunking on this, but it makes sense that a writer for an outlet that seems to disdain writing would not understand the purpose of reading.
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Ken Jennings @kenjennings.bsky.social · 02/08/2026
So that’s the thing to know, if you’re a tabloid that’s going to name-check me in another round of transphobic shit about Bluesky discourse. I don’t stand with you. I stand with my trans friends and family members. ⏹️
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spooky Deirdre Connolly¹ ² at a distance @durumcrustulum.com · 02/08/2026
what did we use with the Morris worm?
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 02/08/2026
"Just finished watching Mulholland Drive with my lesbian daughter before she goes off to start Sarah Lawrence in the Fall" is so fucking cliché I feel like I should punch myself.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 02/08/2026
Quoting my daughter who, just now during a discussion on how movie theaters should serve cheese platters, "because what are Lunchables, if not dressed-up charcuterie boards?
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 01/08/2026
This is going to make some extremely wealthy people extremely goddamned angry and I love that for us.
Screenshot from The Almanac, a Midpeninsula local newspaper that covers parts of Silicon Valley, including the town of Atherton. Atherton is one of the wealthiest towns in human history. The clipped article reads, in part:

“Alpha X RE Capital Inc. filed an application under Senate Bill 79 to replace a single-family home on a 1-acre lot at 110 Glenwood Ave. with five townhome buildings totaling 30 units, with six of the designated affordable units.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 31/07/2026
Who edits the Bee these days @nytimes.com? Mary, Queen of Scots?
A screenshot from the New York Times puzzle game, The Spelling Bee, for July 30, 2026. It shows that "Huguenot" is not an accepted word. Mary, Queen of Scots encouraged the arrest and torture of Huguenots during her Consort reign, because she was quite a mean and bigoted lady. The New York Times appears to be supporting and carrying on her campaign of Huguenot erasure.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 30/07/2026
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Jeremy Salkeld @enclavedmicrostate.bsky.social · 19/07/2026
Okay, so this is a claim I have come across a few times on this site and I feel the need to say something about it. Namely, snake oil was an effective Chinese medicine that was unsuccessfully imitated by white Americans because they used rattlesnakes with worse oil. This is false. 1/
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 26/07/2026
That it is disembodied voice of wasted-life sorrow and angst. That is is.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 21/07/2026
Am I on the only person on Earth who didn't know that Tricky's mom's name was Maxine Quaye? Like, he was really on his Donda shit, except in Tricky's case the album was all hammers.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 20/07/2026
Come on Instagram, what are we doing here. What are you trying to accomplish? You know the answer and you know the resentment that attends the implication. I remain saying that Mark has a "fuck with Jake specifically" button on his keyboard that sometimes he just pushes for the yuks.
A partial screenshot from Instagram suggesting that I should follow former actor Vincent Gallo.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 19/07/2026
I'm trying to find the name of a stupid goddamned song and I'm striking out everywhere. I'm sure if I posted it to YouTube the DMCA bots would find it immediately. But that feels like cheating and not keeping in the Spirit of the Game
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 18/07/2026
This is a Hemingway level of plot concision
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 17/07/2026
Well loook at this lil oisín right here huh mate? Fecking leprechaun ain't 'ee?
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 17/07/2026
What in the goddamned Hell is this sentence construction meant to say?
A screenshot from a new article appearing in Bangor Daily News that reads "David Brouillette, 37, reportedly admitted to firing the shots that claimed the life of 25-year-old Johan Sebastian Duran Guerrero"
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 16/07/2026
Wendall Haribo
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 16/07/2026
If you wear these glasses you are pervert freak and I hope someone knocks them off your face. Stop looking at the world through software. gizmodo.com/smart-glasse...
gizmodo.com
Smart Glasses Backlash Is Reaching New Celebrity Heights
Where do you sit on the Kylie Jenner/Lorde spectrum?
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 16/07/2026
At risk of being a doltish American, wth is a "disposable barbecue" and why are our Irish friends seemingly such enthusiastic users of them? www.thejournal.ie/wicklow-moun...
thejournal.ie
Minister blasts ‘reckless’ people causing wildfires in Killarney and Wicklow mountains
The Department of Tourism is asking retailers to consider suspending the sale of disposable barbecues during the warm, dry weather.
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 16/07/2026
If you wear these glasses you are pervert freak and I hope someone knocks them off your face. Stop looking at the world through software. gizmodo.com/smart-glasse...
gizmodo.com
Smart Glasses Backlash Is Reaching New Celebrity Heights
Where do you sit on the Kylie Jenner/Lorde spectrum?
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 16/07/2026
Mulholland Drive Swingers The Big Lebowski Fast Times at Ridgemont High Colors Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure Boyz n the Hood Bring it On One Upon a Time in Hollywood I'll stop because I'll pick too many. I love Los Angeles. And I'm, uh, quite obviously of a certain age...
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 15/07/2026
Holy crap www.reuters.com/business/fin...
reuters.com
EXCLUSIVE: Stripe, Advent offer to buy PayPal for more than $53 billion, sources say
Payments company Stripe and private equity firm Advent International have made a joint offer to acquire ​PayPal Holdings Inc for $60.50 per share, in a deal that would value the ‌payments company at m...
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Jacob Carlson @jacobwcarlson.me · 15/07/2026
I just opened Apple Music and it's recommending that I listen to every single Future album, and only Future albums, except his new one. Amazing.
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