NEW YORK—Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. “Shortly after you navigat...

LOWELL, MA—Doing her best to follow her therapist’s advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted fo...

PALM BEACH, FL—Noticing everyone else’s phone simultaneously buzzing throughout a meeting, Vice President-elect JD Vance began to suspect there was another group chat among Trump’s senior staff that he wasn’t part of, sources confirmed Monday. “It can’t be a coincidence that they all keep looking down at their phones and chuckling at the same time,” […]

WASHINGTON—Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man’s property and detain him in an undisclosed location, FBI director Kash Patel announced Thursday that federal agents had uncovered 43 terabytes of free speech from local protestor Andrew Wyman’s residence. “Every American should be chilled to the core by the overwhelming display of constitutionally protected […]

WASHINGTON—With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American pe...