Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 26/09/2026How the cop looks at you after pulling you over for going 85 in a school zone and you say, “I wasn’t driving in commerce. I was traveling in my dry-docked vessel.” 010
Reposted by Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer)JP @jpbrammer.bsky.social · 23/09/2026it's important to arrive at sturdy ethical principles that you can't be annoyed out of. people are annoying as shit 3460341474
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 23/09/2026For those of you planning on dressing slutty this Halloween (slutty nurse, ninja, librarian, Obama, etc.), please be mindful that my culture isn’t a costume. 1275
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 22/09/2026I asked a prominent LLM whether it was defamatory to call Kyle Rittenhouse a murderer and it seemed to suggest it was somehow a close call. It's not. Proof the AI cannot do competent legal research. 260
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 22/09/2026Andrew Tate, Clavicular, and Vic Mignogna are all sex pests and have many things in common with Harvey Weinstein, and that isn’t defamatory to say. 1132
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 22/09/2026From the people who brought you “Looksmaxxing” and “Dickmaxxing”, you won’t want to miss the latest hit this fall: Rapemaxxing. 010
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 20/09/2026“Try intimidating someone your own size. I suggest garden gnomes” is a line I dropped tonight and I will admit, it’s staying in the vocabulary. 030
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 20/09/2026One thing that’s amazing about my job is, I can casually obliterate people in local Facebook groups who take the stance of “we should run over children on bicycles” and get quality inbound leads for real cases. 011
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 19/09/2026www.modbee.com/news/local/c...modbee.comMistrial in Modesto murder case after defense attorney arrested at courthouseAuthorities said the attorney was booked into the Stanislaus County Public Safety Center on suspicion of public intoxication and of possession and being under the influence of a controlled substance. 000
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 18/09/2026People continue to engage with my brand, improving the firm's visibility online. 010
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 17/09/2026It isn’t defamatory to say someone has a giant penis. 251
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 16/09/2026This is a scene in Fight Club. 020
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 16/09/2026The face you make when Congress finds out about you and the goat. 051
Reposted by Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer)Kateration @kateration.bsky.social · 15/09/2026They really wheeled Mitch McConnell out like 3477
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 15/09/2026“A lawsuit today filed in state court by Planned Parenthood against Plant Parenthood Tree Services LLC alleges that the latter was insensitive to reproductive rights and abortion. Plant Parenthood defended the choice in their name by stating that ‘Tree removal is only a small portion of what we do’” 020
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 15/09/2026Nobody: Hegel: The purpose of the human condition and all of your suffering leads to your ultimate existential satisfaction as an employee of the Department of Energy. 030
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 11/09/2026Never Forget. 🇺🇸🦅🔥🫡 011
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 09/09/2026Grand Theft Auto V: Living in California sucks. Cyberpunk 2077: Living in California will suck. Red Dead Redemption 2: Moving to California sucks. What did game developers mean by this? 110
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 09/09/2026LAWRENCE BANNED: Former Walnut Creek anesthesiologist Lawrence Pebble has been banned from interacting with my red hot brand for ANY reason. Thank you for your attention to this matter! 021
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 07/09/2026Telling my parents some Andrew Taint supporter is super mad because I said she was a money launderer who likely held fake Mexican passports.static.klipy.comCJ: Ah Shit, Here We Go AgainAlt: CJ: Ah Shit, Here We Go Again 020
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 06/09/2026“The phrase big skank is not actionable because it is too vague to be capable of being proven true or false." Seelig v. Infinity Broad. Corp., 97 Cal. App. 4th 798, 811 (2002). 240
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 05/09/2026But not that different. 000
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 05/09/2026I was admitted to practice too late. My idea was just a straight Twitter clone. Call them tweets. Have the same features as before. Then weather the legal storm. 010
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 04/09/2026Cop: One of the notes says “dragged” while the other says “drug.” You think it’s a team? Grizzled detective with a voice like RFK: North Texas. It’s one guy, he’s from North Texas. It’s interchangeable out there. The brother… born in Amarillo, right? He’s our guy. 010
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 04/09/2026What does the test say if you don’t pronounce any of the d’s but you pronounce the e? 010
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 03/09/2026Not me watching the resident stray tear lizards limb from limb for sport while I sip a cold one. This cat is built different, and who am I to judge? 000
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 31/08/2026Stewardess: Is there a doctor on board? Doctor Dan: yes ma’am. Just you this evening? 110
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 30/08/2026Lindsay Clancy, Derek Chauvin, and Kyle Rittenhouse are all murderers. 9293
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 30/08/2026Your item listing is raising questions that are answered by the listing. 010
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 25/08/2026Many people have said I’m too “controversial” to have an athleisure line. 010
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 23/08/2026After today, I won’t be discussing someone on here anymore for a while. Here’s why: 🧵 150
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 19/08/2026Restraining order granted for five years. 1100
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 19/08/2026I don't think Justin is making this morning's hearing. @prog-r0k.bsky.social @kathryntewson.bsky.social @juliemfaenza.bsky.social @gplusb.bsky.social 4160
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 18/08/2026Keep waiting for this book to explain how this guy’s dick got moby, but so far it’s just a bunch of shit about whales. 210
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 17/08/2026This courthouse has hold music that sounds like what plays when someone is trying to find the terrorists in a low-budget thriller. I have a feeling I won't succeed; my wait time keeps going up. 020
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 17/08/2026I was in the gym! I was in the gym!! 000
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 17/08/2026Exercise is fundamentally bad for you and dangerous. This is why I don't do it. nypost.com/2026/08/02/h...nypost.com‘Gym penis’ is real, says nurse — why it happens and when to see a professionalUnlike the post-weightlifting “pump” gymgoers feel from increased blood flow, “gym penis” may leave men with an unwanted post-gym surprise. 010
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 16/08/2026A protest! *bang bang* Wisconsin! *bang bang* State lines! *bang bang* Two murders! 110
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 15/08/2026Never order an Uber in Oakland. 😭 010
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 14/08/2026Monopolyamory: two people are monogamous but one person (me) dresses up as the Monopoly man. 020
Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 14/08/2026We talkin' about Luigi Mangione the murderer? 250