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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer)

@brandonjschwartz.com
330 followers 168 following 8.7K posts

Law, political theory, language, computers. Attorney at schwartzapc.com President at boomajoom.com Nothing I post is legal advice, and I’m not your attorney. Occasional Escrow Manager.

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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 27/09/2026
Still got it.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 26/09/2026
How the cop looks at you after pulling you over for going 85 in a school zone and you say, “I wasn’t driving in commerce. I was traveling in my dry-docked vessel.”
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Reposted by Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer)
JP @jpbrammer.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
it's important to arrive at sturdy ethical principles that you can't be annoyed out of. people are annoying as shit
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 23/09/2026
For those of you planning on dressing slutty this Halloween (slutty nurse, ninja, librarian, Obama, etc.), please be mindful that my culture isn’t a costume.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 22/09/2026
I asked a prominent LLM whether it was defamatory to call Kyle Rittenhouse a murderer and it seemed to suggest it was somehow a close call. It's not. Proof the AI cannot do competent legal research.
Is it defamatory to call Kyle Rittenhouse a murderer?

Potentially, yes—but not simply because the word “murderer” is harsh or insulting. The key questions are whether the statement would be understood as a factual assertion, whether it is false, and whether the speaker has the constitutionally required level of fault.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 22/09/2026
Andrew Tate, Clavicular, and Vic Mignogna are all sex pests and have many things in common with Harvey Weinstein, and that isn’t defamatory to say.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 22/09/2026
From the people who brought you “Looksmaxxing” and “Dickmaxxing”, you won’t want to miss the latest hit this fall: Rapemaxxing.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 20/09/2026
“Try intimidating someone your own size. I suggest garden gnomes” is a line I dropped tonight and I will admit, it’s staying in the vocabulary.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 20/09/2026
One thing that’s amazing about my job is, I can casually obliterate people in local Facebook groups who take the stance of “we should run over children on bicycles” and get quality inbound leads for real cases.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 19/09/2026
www.modbee.com/news/local/c...
modbee.com
Mistrial in Modesto murder case after defense attorney arrested at courthouse
Authorities said the attorney was booked into the Stanislaus County Public Safety Center on suspicion of public intoxication and of possession and being under the influence of a controlled substance.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 18/09/2026
People continue to engage with my brand, improving the firm's visibility online.
Message: Just wanted to let you know how disappointed I am in you. I can’t believe you were so disrespectful, attacking Nick with a low-class comment about his penxx!?. Really? I am deeply offended by your comments. Can’t you debate the issues instead? Obviously not. Nick is simply trying to help find corruption. Are you hiding something? You need to work on yourself and get los
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 18/09/2026
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 17/09/2026
It isn’t defamatory to say someone has a giant penis.
Freedom of Speech
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 16/09/2026
Brandon Schwartz
Sep 16, 2015

Trump: If I’m president, we’ll have more of everything. We talked about disease

#GOPdebate
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 16/09/2026
This is a scene in Fight Club.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 16/09/2026
The face you make when Congress finds out about you and the goat.
Kash Patel
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Reposted by Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer)
Kateration @kateration.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
They really wheeled Mitch McConnell out like
The Rigor Tortoise got rolled out in a wheel chair like a desiccated worm.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 15/09/2026
“A lawsuit today filed in state court by Planned Parenthood against Plant Parenthood Tree Services LLC alleges that the latter was insensitive to reproductive rights and abortion. Plant Parenthood defended the choice in their name by stating that ‘Tree removal is only a small portion of what we do’”
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 15/09/2026
Nobody: Hegel: The purpose of the human condition and all of your suffering leads to your ultimate existential satisfaction as an employee of the Department of Energy.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 12/09/2026
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 11/09/2026
Never Forget. 🇺🇸🦅🔥🫡
Ted Cruz liked MILF porn on 9/11.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 09/09/2026
Grand Theft Auto V: Living in California sucks. Cyberpunk 2077: Living in California will suck. Red Dead Redemption 2: Moving to California sucks. What did game developers mean by this?
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 09/09/2026
LAWRENCE BANNED: Former Walnut Creek anesthesiologist Lawrence Pebble has been banned from interacting with my red hot brand for ANY reason. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 07/09/2026
Telling my parents some Andrew Taint supporter is super mad because I said she was a money launderer who likely held fake Mexican passports.
static.klipy.com
CJ: Ah Shit, Here We Go Again
Alt: CJ: Ah Shit, Here We Go Again
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 06/09/2026
“The phrase big skank is not actionable because it is too vague to be capable of being proven true or false." Seelig v. Infinity Broad. Corp., 97 Cal. App. 4th 798, 811 (2002).
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 05/09/2026
But not that different.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 05/09/2026
I was admitted to practice too late. My idea was just a straight Twitter clone. Call them tweets. Have the same features as before. Then weather the legal storm.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 04/09/2026
Cop: One of the notes says “dragged” while the other says “drug.” You think it’s a team? Grizzled detective with a voice like RFK: North Texas. It’s one guy, he’s from North Texas. It’s interchangeable out there. The brother… born in Amarillo, right? He’s our guy.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 04/09/2026
Cuck tart.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 04/09/2026
What does the test say if you don’t pronounce any of the d’s but you pronounce the e?
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 03/09/2026
Not me watching the resident stray tear lizards limb from limb for sport while I sip a cold one. This cat is built different, and who am I to judge?
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 31/08/2026
Stewardess: Is there a doctor on board? Doctor Dan: yes ma’am. Just you this evening?
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 30/08/2026
Lindsay Clancy, Derek Chauvin, and Kyle Rittenhouse are all murderers.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 30/08/2026
Your item listing is raising questions that are answered by the listing.
A C3PO flask listing
“Star Wars flask”
“Very good”“Description
Star Wars flask. From clean home, has never been inserted rectally”
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 30/08/2026
Krill issue.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 26/08/2026
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 25/08/2026
Many people have said I’m too “controversial” to have an athleisure line.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 23/08/2026
After today, I won’t be discussing someone on here anymore for a while. Here’s why: 🧵
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 21/08/2026
Wig you say?
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 19/08/2026
Restraining order granted for five years.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 19/08/2026
I don't think Justin is making this morning's hearing. @prog-r0k.bsky.social @kathryntewson.bsky.social @juliemfaenza.bsky.social @gplusb.bsky.social
Justin Riddle inmate page, showing he was admitted August 18, 2026 at 2:46pm.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 18/08/2026
Keep waiting for this book to explain how this guy’s dick got moby, but so far it’s just a bunch of shit about whales.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 17/08/2026
This courthouse has hold music that sounds like what plays when someone is trying to find the terrorists in a low-budget thriller. I have a feeling I won't succeed; my wait time keeps going up.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 17/08/2026
I was in the gym! I was in the gym!!
George Costanza
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 17/08/2026
Exercise is fundamentally bad for you and dangerous. This is why I don't do it. nypost.com/2026/08/02/h...
nypost.com
‘Gym penis’ is real, says nurse — why it happens and when to see a professional
Unlike the post-weightlifting “pump” gymgoers feel from increased blood flow, “gym penis” may leave men with an unwanted post-gym surprise.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 16/08/2026
“Don’t let one bad experience at the theater ruin your night.” -Abraham Lincoln
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 16/08/2026
A protest! *bang bang* Wisconsin! *bang bang* State lines! *bang bang* Two murders!
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 15/08/2026
Never order an Uber in Oakland. 😭
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 14/08/2026
Monopolyamory: two people are monogamous but one person (me) dresses up as the Monopoly man.
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Brandon (Average Lotion to Dismiss Enjoyer) @brandonjschwartz.com · 14/08/2026
We talkin' about Luigi Mangione the murderer?
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