Yay a small miracle has occurred. I just hope I am not celebrating too prematurely. So I finally managed to put pen to paper so to speak and got some words out. Whether they are good or not remains to be seen. But they are there, they exist. That's always going to be the first step I suppose. Making something exist.

Something tells me doing this post partum updates monthly might be a little easier for my brain and negotiating naptime. Well peedie one is still 25th centile for the most part. Going through a growth spurt and teething bless. The sun is out more so hopefully after this round of jabs we might go out a little bit more. Not so peedie one is absolutely loving being a big sibling, I'm a very proud mummy.

Well the day of the jabs was crazier than I expected. I woke up that day with the most bizarre radiating pain in my stomach that settled in the lower right side that didn't do anything but get slowly worse. So I did what any sane person would do, call the GP and see what they say. I wound up called in and poked and prodded, they were unsure if it was just a lovely case of Gastro or my appendix.

Well, the next round of jabs are this week so I am expecting a tough few days later in the week. Doesn't help that the poor sausage has had a streaming cold for about 4 days. Week ten went by relatively smoothly although exhausted I am absolutely over the moon at just how well tiny tot and big tot are doing together.

Well the vaccines went as well as can be. Bubs is now headed firmly out of the newborn phase. There is a real personality emerging, safe to say this kid has a thing for musicals. Bubs is laughing more and learning new skills, very happy velcro baby. As for me, health wise, I can add some new problems to my list of "oh my god what's wrong with me now".

Well, bubs has first vaccines in a while. I am nervous but that's cos the crying has such a physical response it actually feels painful physically which I find weird. Hopefully one day soon I'll get longer than 5 minutes to think but until then this little bubs is a velcro baby for sure. No solutions, just their personality for me to ride out until they are ready to have that little bit of separation.

Well we finally made it to week 6! The bird feeder however did not... it broke. Not had the brain power to fix it. Tiny kiddo is finally catching up with birth weight... a little slow grower. Starting to process the birth a bit more. I will definitely have to book in an appointment to go over everything I don't have the energy to process it completely right now.

I think, and I know this is probably jinxing it, that we have hit a rhythm. It kind of goes, baby eats poops eats poops eats poops and sleep is thrown all over that. Sarcasm aside, seems to be a good baby if that's a thing? I don't know, I am just tired at this point. I think I will definitely need some physio with how my recovery is going related to the c sec but that was always a likelihood considering I was already at physio for PGP (pelvic girdle pain) before the birth.

Well, Kiddo 2 it turns out was born at 25th centile but did what all babies do and dropped down to the 9th. So much for having an 88th ish centile kiddo... smaller than kiddo 1 at the start but we will see how they grow. That aside. New born life after 6 years is absolutely wild, I've forgotten more than I learned and its like swimming fresh again in a torrent of what the hell is this.

The original birth plan was up in the air for a long while, I was very 50/50 on whether I would do a repeat caesarean. Eventually when we did the growth scans and it being another big baby (it was estimated 88th, then 76th then back to 86th centiles through the scans) I decided it was likely to be safer to repeat C section.

Well... I hadn't expected all this. The day after the midwife appointment I got a call at like 8.30am from the maternity unit. They asked me to come in for blood tests. So of course my nosy self was like why? Turns out my PCR (protein in the wee) previous result was 38, the sample the midwife sent off during my 36 week appointment apparently reached 130.

The countdown is ticking. Around week 34 it became official the doctors were less tentative to say the words preeclampsia around me. Shortly after my last post I found myself in and out of maternity like a hot potato. Blood and protein still in pee. Weeks long headaches that started to become migraines. Some right sided pain. Puffy feet. You get the picture.

There comes a point where perfectionism can actively hinder creativity, especially writing. Especially when you are stuck between doing and avoidance. Having been assigned therapy homework on perfectionism I can see its impact in my writing. I am avoiding doing writing because I feel the need to "get it right the first time" right now instead of getting it out so it just exists which is massively counter intuitive.

Well we are at 32 weeks in and the only thing I want to do is scream internally. Things are getting real. We are now past viability but the stress hasn't gone away. Of course it would be too smooth sailing to assume future offspring intends to behave. We keep finding protein and blood in my pee. Doesn't help that I am starting to get a headache so now we are being extra careful at the moment.

I suppose it was going to eventually happen. With a cross between being exhausted from hormones and just being plain exhausted by growing a human my writing mojo has really suffered. Now I am at the point where I desperately want to get back into it but don't know where to start. I know I can't be the only one to ever feel this way.