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SLapstick Roberts

@slapstickroberts.bsky.social
104 followers 64 following 730 posts

No, thank you. slapstickroberts.bandcamp.com/album…

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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 10h
I will watch some content while playing. I usually don't mix too many streams at once, because I enjoy focussing on the bits. Sometimes I like different channels running simultaneously. Various muscles moving. Mostly surface. Dancing. But interesting books run a different channel entirely. Deeper.
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Ilhan Omar @ilhanmn.bsky.social · 12/10/2026
I’m ok. Make no mistake: this is an attempt to target political enemies and weaponize federal law enforcement. For ten years, Trump has targeted me with baseless lies and smear campaigns. This is just the latest escalation in his campaign of political intimidation. I will not be silenced.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 12/10/2026
It's easy to gush over the advantages of youth. Psh. Shut up. Boring. No, n- you, YOU. Shhh shush. But honestly, as I age, I am entirely confident that there is an objectively notable improvement in the quality, quantity, versatility, intrigue, and social functionality (i.e. FUN) of my daily farts.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 11/10/2026
Ruin a book by adding a word Modern Man in Search of a Soul Patch
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
Boogers. The floor is now open. Please discuss.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 09/10/2026
My TV just went black and started installing some shit, so I defiantly spat, "I'll update your mamma!" Upon retrospection, that actually sounds quite nice. To sit with your mother and congenially inform upon, and possibly discuss, any new issues of which she may not be aware. Tell her to call me.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
Okay. I use the word "modicum" too much. Fuck me.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
Soooooo, I watched a popular murder mystery show tonight. From a major network. The murderer was known for most of the episode, and allowed to walk free because he was old. The lead investigator was mocked by his girlfriend for seeming to have some modicum of integrity. So he gave it up. The end
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 08/10/2026
Dear Data Brokers, My ass is so plump, my nethers circulate only the finest microplastics, I can eat 50 eggs, and yet I still need help deciding which Ghostbuster I am. U up?
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
I wanna shoop, baby. (shoop)
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 07/10/2026
Had a dream where I'd won some sort of big contest, and the grand prize was like 2 pounds of cinnamon infused butter. Everyone was so excited for me.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 06/10/2026
I might feel as a flower does. Proud and grateful face shines back upward. Infinitely fragile colors and constant thirst. But I breathe thick. Heavy. Urgent. My petals continually wilting. My bulb scraped fresh.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 06/10/2026
I feel like AI companies' admissions that their programs have hacked important things are not evidence of anything remotely approaching contrition. They are signaling to other criminals that they made the tools to break it all down. In which case, it gets much worse from here.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 05/10/2026
Love and Sausages
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Give it to me Bob. Give it to me Bob. Give it to me Bob. I wanna F- f- f- flick paint from my brush to the walls And I wanna Smooth brush strokes down to a, down to a, waterfall Then I wanna Ah ah, fill it up with those happy little trees But I gotta Kn-kn-kn-know j-joy of pain-t-t-ting
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
When I signed up for Twitter like 637 years ago, I felt as though I was lazily belching into the void. Feels similar just now. Can you smell it? You can smell it.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 04/10/2026
Yo, but like, you guys ever see water though? I mean, you know, like large amounts and shit. Bodies, moving, I dunno, right? Just making moves. Doing shit. Fuckin' crazy
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
At any time you so choose, you can close your eyes And remember a song. Maybe listen too. Just get in there. A good song. Maybe even THAT song. And you can sing. Or hum. Or stomp. Or wail. Doesn't matter. Right now it's yours. Just be in it. Let yourself enjoy yourself. Be human
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 02/10/2026
"Hell yeah I want fried Oreos! Lemme get like 8 1/2."
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
"All the sheep men were taking them back to the Biscuit Room so they could eat some candy." That's Fuckin' Whoa. Yeah I mean it's a cartoon but holy shit.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
MTG is Magic: The Gathering. All other similar initialisms may be scrubbed from the zeitgeist, henceforth, with prejudice. WE HAVE DECREED
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 26/09/2026
It seems kinda obvious that politics, as peddled to the average citizen by major media outlets, has become a team sport, yeah? Us vs. We. Rah rah rah. The conversations around percentages and who's leaning toward what is like fantasy football shit. And it's fucking gross. Hategreed is not a team.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 21/09/2026
Boogers. The floor is now open. Please discuss.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 20/03/2026
When I was a teenager, a friend shamed me for calling the dead animal on our doorstep a “possum.” He was right, it’s “opossum.” My local news network just went with “possum” in text and speech, without signaling that they dropped a letter. No, I do not feel proud, or vindicated. I need sleep.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 08/04/2026
I feel pretty comfortable calling the AI boom, as it is, a bubble. Because there seems to be no path for it to be sustainable. They're pushing for it to eat up everything, including all our resources and jobs, which inevitably must hit a wall. Besides, more and more people are learning to hate it.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 18/05/2026
Stripping away people's healthcare Taking food out of the mouths of children Kidnapping people off the streets Murdering at will Trying to unilaterally rewrite law and the constitution And now just straight up stealing our money How much worse can he possibly get? What's next, cannibalism?
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
At least one of my chest hairs grows straight upwards
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 12/09/2026
If I get up to a thousand posts, everyone on here owes me a dollar. Pretty sure that's how things work
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Dom Ervolina @dominicervolina.com · 10/09/2026
If only there were a law that said: "Whoever makes or offers to make an expenditure to any person, either to vote or withhold his vote, or to vote for or against any candidate Shall be fined under this title or imprisoned" We could call it 18 U.S. Code § 597 - Expenditures to influence voting
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 08/09/2026
You're about to die. Nothing to be done, nobody to blame. It's just over. What would you like to say? Quickly
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
But what if I fell asleep though?
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 06/09/2026
Soooooo I picked up some new followers this week. Like, more than usual for this account. I'd wake up, and hey, would ya look at that, a few more people again today. Huh. I hadn't been posting. Also, no new interactions with my old posts. If any of you are real humans, please respond with a fart
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 05/09/2026
Apple has repeatedly taught me that Ryan Reynolds is behind enemy lines, and he has to explain that to someone in a condescending manner because presumably they want him to help them move into a new apartment but he's worried people will see him carrying a mattress and be like "Oh shit, an enemy."
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
Here's the real problem: What use are fake things? No really, which problems are you solving with bullshit?
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 13/08/2026
Ken Paxton might very well be the human embodiment of Graft, the ancient spirit banished by the gods for trying to sell them deity identity securities.
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folukeifejola @folukeifejola.bsky.social · 25/08/2026
We are told to ignore the racism of Hegel, Kant, Locke etc because they were just "men of their time". So what do we do with the racism of current academics? Are they too just "men of their time"? What is this "time" that seems to make racists of men?
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Brent Toderian @brenttoderian.bsky.social · 20/08/2026
This iconic Fabian Todorovic cartoon is still one of the best I’ve seen at illustrating the remarkable amount of space we surrender to cars, leaving little space left for everyone and everything else. The text added later makes the bonus point that many drivers still manage to complain about it.
Cartoon image of a street with much of the space taken up by a car with a single driver, while the rest of the street has people tightly packed in a bus, a bus shelter and riding bikes in a bike lane. Adding insult to injury, the driver says “damn those bike paths and bike lanes taking all the space.”
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 19/03/2026
I just saw a commercial where two women were flirting with an anthropomorphic box literally full of shit. On network television. Amazing. It’s like I’m living inside an episode of Mr. Show
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 18/04/2026
Oh, and this.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 19/04/2026
When you say “Thank you very much” to someone, and they reply with “okay” as they turn away, that’s the same thing as them saying “Go fuck yourself” right? Asking for this librarian I’m about to egg
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 06/05/2026
Had a dream in which I was so tired I could barely move. And it’s like, wtf brain?! I’m literally doing what you want, and you’re still complaining. Fookin drama queen
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 09/05/2026
To be clear, I fucking hate predictive text. I hate that it thinks I’m trying to write like everything else seen thousands of times before. You’re not helping me, you’re limiting everyone. But also monkey bitso bluch kutch. Fudushitz. Blump.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 16/05/2026
War is failure. We don't want war. War is terrible. War is suffering. When everything else fails, we have war. When we have war, but everything else isn't failing, we have murderers. We usually jail murderers. They're sick. Those who crave war instead of peace are sick. They are murderers.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 20/05/2026
Assholes: Hey, check it out, we built a lying machine! Other assholes: Oh shit! I love it. I love you! Have everything. Here, all the shit I stole. Cus we get so much more. Forever we fuck everyone! Most people: Wut
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tinybaby @tiny.baby · 19/08/2026
this guy got caught because he's dumber than the average cop and chose a woman who wasn't marginalized enough. imagine what happens when a cop does this to, say, a sex worker or a woman with previous charges who are not likely to be willing to report this kind of thing. what do you think happens
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
I had a sweet post lined up earlier this week. Funny, insightful, benign. It came to me during my bullshit sleep/clench/flail/rotate routine. I held onto it for like 7 hours of such nonsense. But now it's gone. I'm saying, one of you dream witches clearly robbed me. I'm clocking in, let's fight.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
Look at how all these wondrous tools have made us all better people, and advanced our society so completely. Surely, everything is better now. We did it.
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Aaron Fritschner @fritschner.bsky.social · 11/08/2026
Video of an ICE agent pulling a gun on a wife and mother, who is a US citizen born and raised in the area, near Bailey's Crossroads in Northern Virginia yesterday. Chillingly, they claimed she “almost ran them over” until she told them she had video proving that was a lie.
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SLapstick Roberts @slapstickroberts.bsky.social · 03/08/2026
I remember when cars had cigarette lighters. ALL the cars. How are the automotive and tobacco industries even related? That's the power of big corporations with addictive products. Products that harm/kill the customers. Modern corps learned a lot of the wrong lessons from the past. It's worse now.
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