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Joe DeNoon

@joethedumber.bsky.social
128 followers 371 following 41 posts

He/Him Brooklyn-based writer and producer. Standard enjoyer, Pioneer mourner, Limited Attempter. Check out my funny stuff at Commander’s Herald! NYY / NYG / Bills because of my Dad / Gotham FC / Knicks / Liberty / Amber Glenn

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Reposted by Joe DeNoon
Luke Knox @lukeknox.me · 14/09/2026
checking in on my favorite search
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Haystack West
@go-los.blacks... • 32s
Cam Skattebo even *runs* like his eyes blink individually...
》…
Chris Hilling @cityonahilling.bsky.so... • 4m
Cam Skattebo runs like he has rabies.
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N ~..
Jake Trowbridge @jaketrowbridge.b... •1d
"Skattebo runs like that rat from Ratatouille is under his helmet controlling him... but the rat also just did a bunch of meth."
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 16/09/2026
Which is Mitch???
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 12/08/2026
“Someone playing from home uses more electricity, water, internet, and air conditioning than someone who leaves for an LGS. Maybe if tenants purchased snacks or drinks it would offset these costs, but they don’t. I’ve got a mortgage to pay! With their money!”
commandersherald.com
New Rental Trend? Bay Area Landlord Charges Table Fee For Webcam Play | Commander's Herald
Walnut Creek, CA — A Bay Area rental dispute is turning heads, as one landlord plans to charge tenants for SpellTable and webcam gameplay.
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 21/07/2026
Me marching my ass to Titanbreach prerelease:
static.klipy.com
Gipsy Danger Jaeger in the Rain
Alt: Gipsy Danger Jaeger going to an LGS
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 13/07/2026
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Bill Hanstock @sundownmotel.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
and the cup, which did NOT come home,
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 15/07/2026
We on the Herald staff took our time examining why certain cards have been banned and whether they should continue to be. With the changes we’ve made, we hope to encourage self-expression, memorable gameplay, and the rapid liquidation of our store’s inventory.
commandersherald.com
Announcing Herald Commander! A New Format With a Ban List Determined By Thorough Review of Our Online Store | Commander's Herald
Check out our new Commander format, with all unbans carefully selected to be fair, balanced, and also on our list of cards to sell.
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Jon Phillips @jowiph.bsky.social · 03/07/2026
I would kill or die for Larry
A small operation in Oregon that hunts truffles with a trained dog has added an unpaid trainee. A cat named Larry accompanies the handler and the truffle dog into the woods every outing, works a patch of ground a little apart from them, and digs with tremendous confidence in places where there is nothing.
The handler says Larry has never found a truffle and shows no sign of understanding the assignment. He does not use scent the way the dog does and he does not respond when the dog makes a find.
He simply digs his own holes nearby and then inspects them. "He thinks he's on the team," the handler said. "He is emphatically not on the team."
TRUFFLE DOG FINDS THE TRUFFLES -
'TRAINEE' CAT DIGS RANDOM HOLES AND FINDS DIRT
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
“How can you organize more than 4,000 decks, but organizing the garage is an insurmountable challenge?” First of all, I have undiagnosed arachnophobia, and I’m unmedicated. I didn’t sign up to be interrogated.
commandersherald.com
My Wife Found My Moxfield And Wants to Talk | Commander's Herald
My wife found my Moxfield, and now I'm in trouble. Sorry, I like to organize my 4,000 Commander decks. I didn't know hobbies were illegal.
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 26/06/2026
Reporters could neither confirm or deny the allegations from inside the pool due to the Gleaming Barrier that was quickly assembled around it. Now experts are claiming that the liner was sabotaged. Incredible how quickly they found the damage after no one else was allowed to look at it.
commandersherald.com
Reflecting Pool Maintains 100% Winrate Versus Narcissists | Commander's Herald
WASHINGTON DC – Echoing back to the Greek myth from which it took its name, has maintained a 100% win rate against narcissists. In its most recent test, the narcissist in question maintained that his ...
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 16/06/2026
My personal nightmare
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Mayor Zohran Kwame Mamdani @mayor.nyc.gov · 14/06/2026
Parade. Thursday. Manhattan.
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essencesimmone.blacksky.app @essencesimmone.blacksky.app · 14/06/2026
NEW YORK CITY, YOU LISTEN TO ME. IF YOU'RE NEAR A CONVENIENCE STORE RIGHT NOW, ANY TYPE OF 24-HOUR STORE, GO INTO THE STORE RIGHT NOW AND PUT YOUR HAND IN THE CASH REGISTER FOR NO REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ryan Eichten @reichten.bsky.social · 11/06/2026
Knicks comeback from down 29 points in the second half and 20 points in the fourth quarter to take Game 4 and a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals Here are the highlights of the key plays coming down the stretch ⤵️
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Command Zoe🔜PAX Unplugged @commandzoe.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
We stand with the union. commandersherald.com/eager-to-pro... @envy.bsky.social @commanders-herald.bsky.social @joethedumber.bsky.social
commandersherald.com
Eager to Prove Workplace Is 'Just Like a Family', WOTC Begins Deadnaming Trans Employees | Commander's Herald
The following is a recounting of recent work done by The Herald’s elite Agents Locating Prominent Harmful Associations/Bigotry, Establishing Tolerance, & Making All Free Information Available (aka ALP...
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Dr. Lucky Tran @luckytran.com · 01/06/2026
BREAKING: Mayor Mamdani just signed an “executive order” to repeal bedtime so NYC kids can watch the Knicks play in the NBA Finals!
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Emma Baccellieri @emmabaccellieri.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
Blanked when I got to the deli counter and came up with “It’s a beautiful day for a sandwich” to have something to say
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 28/05/2026
We don’t get to decide the outcome. All we get to do is decide how to react. The moment we accept that, dear reader, the game becomes a lot more fun.
commandersherald.com
We Can't Control The Table, But We Can Control The Board | Commander's Herald
Yes we know Sen Triplets is a thing. Shut up. There’s a moment in some Commander games where you look around the table and realize the world is absolutely on fire. One player has a combo engine hummin...
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SIMONE 🩷 @simonee.bsky.social · 26/05/2026
KNICKS IN FOUR GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD LETS FUCKING GO
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Mayor Zohran Kwame Mamdani @mayor.nyc.gov · 26/05/2026
@nycsanitation.bsky.social I’d like to report a sweep
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 26/05/2026
Knicks look unbeatable, thank you Mayor Mamdani
Shaq and Kenny singing Sinatra
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Dave Jorgenson @davejorgenson.bsky.social · 23/05/2026
Colbert guest hosted a public access TV show in Monroe, Michigan a day after the Late Show ended. Guest star: Jeff Daniels Special appearance by: Eminem Musical director: Jack White Genius. youtu.be/jJTXB5uT_C4?...
youtu.be
Only In Monroe --- May 22, 2026
YouTube video by Stephen Colbert
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 22/05/2026
“All the breakup clichés came through. ‘It’s not you, it’s me.‘ ‘I just need space to find myself again,’ and ‘I hate your moles. They’re so weird. Why do they smell like licorice? Moles shouldn’t smell like licorice, Richard! Go to a doctor!!’ Cliché stuff like that.”
commandersherald.com
Guy Tracking Life Totals Clearly Getting Broken Up With Via Text | Commander's Herald
Neglecting their game, three Commander players were captivated by the collapse of a 5-year relationship scrolling by on the guy's phone.
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Command Zoe🔜PAX Unplugged @commandzoe.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
Really happy to welcome in the newest addition to the @commanders-herald.bsky.social writer's room. Go check out @envy.bsky.social's first article. Its such a good read! commandersherald.com/wotc-proudly...
commandersherald.com
WOTC Proudly Displays Mark Rosewater's 'Mood Swings' on Office Fridge | Commander's Herald
RENTON, WA – “Oh, that’s what you’re here about,” says Wizards President John Hight, as The Herald sits down with him to ask about the upcoming release of Mark Rosewater’s opus Mood Swings. “Yeah… we’...
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 12/05/2026
Lets go Mets baby love da Mets
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 11/05/2026
Like, sure. I get it. When you were young, your parents let you watch Alien and Hellraiser for some reason, and it permanently warped your perception of what an attractive person looks like. And yeah, you have body dysmorphia. We all do. That’s why we play Magic.
commandersherald.com
[Opinion] Stop Pointing at Elesh Norn and Going "Body Goals," It's Weirding Everyone Out | Commander's Herald
Chicago, IL — Seriously, cut it out. I need you to understand that when I say “You’re scaring the hoes,” I mean us. We’re the hoes that you’re scaring. Like, sure. I get it. When you were young, your ...
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 07/05/2026
“It’s getting harder and harder these days to find Felix on things. He used to be the talk of the town, but now everything is Disney or whatever that Pockymocky thing the kids are about these days. It’s good that today’s youngins remember their elders.”
commandersherald.com
Felix the Cat Secret Lair Appeals to Magic's Key Silent Generation Demographic | Commander's Herald
THE VILLAGES, FL — Over the weekend, Wizards of the Coast unveiled their latest Secret Lair release, focused around cats from Pop Culture and beyond. And none are more excited for the release than the...
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 04/05/2026
He’s thus far given us incredible takes like “what if the five Strixhaven colleges were the other five color pairs, had stupid concepts, and belonged to a different, less well-named university?” and “what if Chandra Nalaar was a fucking cop?”
commandersherald.com
OPINION: Reality Fracture Proves Straight Men Can't Write Fanfiction | Commander's Herald
In Friday’s announcement regarding the upcoming Reality Fracture standard set, Wizards of the Coast has presumably unintentionally proven the well-known adage that straight men can’t write fanfiction....
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Kiaayo @kiaayomahkwa.itch.io · 29/04/2026
Who would have thought that writing comedy articles about a card game could be so hazardous? commandersherald.com/experts-weig...
commandersherald.com
Experts Weigh In: Card Leaks Way Too High Quality to Be Real | Commander's Herald
Richmond, VA — A series of images of upcoming Magic sets have leaked, and we’ve asked some leading experts in the field of digital forensics to examine and weigh in. Among their various reactions to u...
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 24/04/2026
Please enjoy this very stupid article I wrote.
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 20/04/2026
"I was just, like, totally gone. I reached over to grab some buds to grind, but I wasn’t really paying attention, and I… kinda grabbed the wrong bud.” Putting his head in his hands, Waters lamented, “Maaaaan, what a bummer, I really liked that card.”
commandersherald.com
Commander Player Prepping For All-Green 4/20 Commander Pod Accidentally Grinds Their Bristlebud Farmer | Commander's Herald
DENVER, Co. — Tragedy struck in the home of local Commander player Bogart “Bong” Waters today as his attempt to prepare for a yearly tradition with his friends went terribly awry. During preparations ...
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 17/04/2026
Konami apparently had plans to release a life-sized plastic replica of the heart for $300 USD, to be packaged with a random assortment of card packs valued to be around $9.50 usd. Whether it conveyed magical powers was left vague in the fax.
commandersherald.com
Leaked Konami Documents Reveal "The Heart of the Cards" To Be An Actual Human Heart | Commander's Herald
Tokyo, Japan — Internal Konami documents recently leaked to us from an anonymous whistleblower reveal shocking news about the media company’s inner workings and future plans. They range from video gam...
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 13/04/2026
Satire is so important
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 13/04/2026
I approve this message
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Wes Burdine @wesburdine.bsky.social · 09/04/2026
BREAKING: Following the American threat of an “Avignon Papacy,” Robert Kennedy has begun a Diet of Worms
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 08/04/2026
Following the absolutely stellar debut of GiGi Wellplayed on the Spell Slayers last month, the staff at The Herald has worked tirelessly, day and night and afternoon, to try and come up with a drag name as good as that.
commandersherald.com
Feds Are Outlawing Drag, So Let's Counterprogram with MTG Drag Content | Commander's Herald %
The staff at The Herald tried to come up with Magic-related drag names as good as GiGi Wellplayed. We could not, but A- for effort
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Talia al Ghoul 🏳️‍⚧️ @usili.bsky.social · 06/04/2026
Top image with Jerry saying, "You're crying because of Artemis II?"

Bottom image with George saying, "The spirit of space travel got to me."

Jerry then says, "Alright."
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Spice8Rack @spice8rack.bsky.social · 03/04/2026
I always knew that commodity production existed to spite me personally.
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Command Zoe🔜PAX Unplugged @commandzoe.bsky.social · 01/04/2026
Well now this is fucking awkward... commandersherald.com/commanders-h...
commandersherald.com
Commander's Herald Designs A New Deadpool Secret Lair | Commander's Herald
To celebrate April Fool’s Day this year, we at Commander’s Herald decided to walk you through an article that we would write, going step-by-step through the satirical process. We came up with an idea ...
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 26/03/2026
I would too
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 25/03/2026
Whoever pitched Oops! All Olivias deserves an award. Would have also won for family resemblance, but Jane’s in a different color… youtu.be/CRwbUfDIGL0?...
youtu.be
OOPS! All Olivias: Hard Fronts with Olivia Gobert-Hicks
YouTube video by Spell Slayers
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 25/03/2026
Wizards plz respond
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 24/03/2026
" AHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHH. AHHHHHHHHHH."
commandersherald.com
OH FUCKING GODDAMNIT I DROPPED MY FUCKING DICE ALL OVER THE FUCKING GROUND | Commander's Herald
Magic the gathering, like many “nerdy” hobbies can attract individuals who are more reserved in social situations, so it is incredible that so many MTG fans find themselves walking into game stores an...
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 23/03/2026
I still have nightmares about middle school algebra; when are those gonna stop
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 21/03/2026
I genuinely 100% thought Discord was winning that episode.
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 20/03/2026
“Unfortunately, in each of those cases, I did not have any open mana,” said Schumer, laying his elbow on the table to cover up his two untapped Islands, which had been gathering dust.
commandersherald.com
Counterspell Remains in Chuck Schumer's Hand Uncast for 10th Consecutive Turn | Commander's Herald
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is, according to an anonymous Senator with a pair of , currently holding a copy of in his hand, and yet is refusing to play it.  “He’s had it in his hand for the p...
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 19/03/2026
"He chose not to attack a Miriam Vehicles deck once because he ‘once saw a homeless guy pee on that Subway Train’. A Ziatora player got attacked into because ‘Unions are robbing our economy blind’."
commandersherald.com
"Centrist" Pramikon Player Only Attacks Left | Commander's Herald
HENDERSON, NV — The Wednesday Night Commanders games at Flash Bazbo Comics usually run without controversy. “Everyone here is pretty chill, rule zero discussions tend to go smoothly, no issues,” the s...
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Kiaayo @kiaayomahkwa.itch.io · 18/03/2026
This publication and I by extension to not recommend the cool, cool crime of game piece bootlegging commandersherald.com/carmen-klomp...
commandersherald.com
Carmen Klomparens This Close To Recommending a Photo Printer | Commander's Herald
(Disclaimer: Carmen Klomparens did not actually say any of these things. It’s obviously a joke. C’mon.) Renton, Washington — After Hasbro’s announcement of a multi-year deal with Warner Bros. Discover...
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Commander's Herald @commanders-herald.bsky.social · 17/03/2026
St. Patrick’s Day festivities at Murphy’s Game Corner took an unexpected turn for players this year, as they were treated to the sudden arrival of the patron Saint of Ireland.
commandersherald.com
Vengeful St. Patrick Banishes Snake Decks from Boston LGS | Commander's Herald
St. Patrick's Day festivities took an unexpected turn, as players were treated to the accidental reanimation of the patron Saint of Ireland. Fun quickly turned to terror, as the cleric lived up to leg...
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Joe DeNoon @joethedumber.bsky.social · 17/03/2026
Happy St. Patrick's Day! Enjoy this stupid article. Sláinte ☘️🇮🇪🍻 commandersherald.com/vengeful-st-...
commandersherald.com
Vengeful St. Patrick Banishes Snake Decks from Boston LGS | Commander's Herald
St. Patrick's Day festivities took an unexpected turn, as players were treated to the accidental reanimation of the patron Saint of Ireland. Fun quickly turned to terror, as the cleric lived up to leg...
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