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Gress

@gresshopper.bsky.social
299 followers 221 following 173 posts

Elbow Model

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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 10/10/2026
I think they found the new Red Hat logo. Trump 2026 Unilaterally Trying
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mike taddow @miketaddow.bsky.social · 30/09/2026
i’m sorry, but i have to post this political ad
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 01/10/2026
I think my 7 year old son may have tried to forge Greg Brockman’s signature. Should I be concerned?
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NY Times Pitchbot @nytpitchbot.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Whether it’s Benjamin Netanyahu empowering Hamas, presiding over a massive intelligence failure that let them kill 1,200 Israelis on October 7th, and then killing 74,000 Palestinians in response or Zohran Mamdani pointing out that he did this, both men have fueled their bitter feud.
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ArtButMakeItSports @artbutmakeitsports.bsky.social · 29/09/2026
Circus Performers, by Walt Kuhn, 1978, 📸 via @marisakabas.bsky.social
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The Onion @theonion.com · 29/09/2026
Environmentalists Warn U.S. Running Out Of Small Wooded Areas Where Buddies Can Smoke Up theonion.com/environmentalists-warn…
Environmentalists Warn U.S. Running Out Of Small Wooded Areas Where Buddies Can Smoke Up
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The Onion @theonion.com · 28/09/2026
You Can Be Anything You Want, Says Fictional Character theonion.com/you-can-be-anything-yo…
You Can Be Anything You Want, Says Fictional Character
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The Onion @theonion.com · 25/09/2026
“I remember seeing him on TV and thinking, ‘No, that can’t be Kash,’ but sure enough, there he was, addressing the nation about a missing person case.” — Daisy, local golden retriever
theonion.com
Dog Can’t Believe Guy She Hooked Up With 10 Years Ago Now Head Of FBI
WASHINGTON—Reflecting on the past fling and remarking how time had flown by, local golden retriever Daisy told reporters Thursday that she could not believe the guy she hooked up with 10 years ago was...
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The Onion @theonion.com · 24/09/2026
“Damn, I wish I’d had the foresight to put some money down on rice back in 5000 B.C., because I’d probably be loaded right now.” — Keith Towers
theonion.com
Regretful Man Realizes He Would Be Rich By Now If He Had Invested In Rice 7,000 Years Ago
ST. LOUIS—Kicking himself for missing out on a potentially lucrative financial opportunity, local man Keith Towers reportedly realized this week that he might have become rich if he had invested in ri...
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The Hard Times @thehardtimesnews.bsky.social · 23/09/2026
Weird! This ICE Agent’s Dates Never Return From the Bathroom Right After He Explains What He Does for Work thehardtimes.net/blog/weird-t...
thehardtimes.net
Weird! This ICE Agent’s Dates Never Return From the Bathroom Right After He Explains What He Does for Work
Modern dating is hard, even hellish a majority of the time. The emotional labor of countless swiping and dead ends on dating... Continue this tale
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The Onion @theonion.com · 21/09/2026
JD Vance Booed  By Own Reflection  In Mirror theonion.com/jd-vance-booed-by-own-…
JD Vance Booed  By Own Reflection  In Mirror
Image Calls VP ‘Loser’ Right To His Face
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 18/09/2026
Bash loses her train of thought as he gives a bullshit rant and doesn’t follow up with, he was a law abiding US citizen and was locked up. What do you mean they have nothing to fear?
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
Think about how much money I’d save if I just stopped buying food for myself and my children.
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
I don’t know him, and neither does my buddy Rick, so I can’t just start “investigating” him. Next question.
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Ian Miles Schlong @tedcruznipples.com · 10/09/2026
Some of those that work forces Are the same that fuck horses
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NY Times Pitchbot @nytpitchbot.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
Democrats have a plan to stop AI from destroying civilization. But how will they pay for it?
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Aaron Reichlin-Melnick @reichlinmelnick.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
NEW: DHS's Inspector General releases a scathing report about the Everglades detention camp known as "Alligator Alcatraz." The OIG finds that the now-closed camp, violated multiple ICE standards. The OIG also confirms detainees were punished with placement in a metal cage in the Florida heat.🧵
OFFICE OF INSPECTOR GENERAL
U.S. Department of Homeland Security
Staff also reported that time spent in the small metal enclosures is closely monitored, and
detainees are not locked in, even though we observed locking mechanisms on the enclosures.
Figures 11 and 12. Small Metal Enclosures; Observed January 21, 2026

Underneath is a picture of a metal cage that is 4 feet 3 inches wide by 4 feet 3 inches long, and 7 feet 9 inches high. The cage itself is placed on a tiny spot of fake turf, and then surrounded by another chainlink fence with razor wire on top. The cage is covered by a roof, but it's entirely exposed to the outside otherwise, meaning mosquitos and no air conditioning.
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 14/09/2026
He looks like the guy a traumatized Violet Beauregard hired to taste her candy after the Wonka Factory incident.
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InfoWars @realinfowars.bsky.social · 13/09/2026
Your family is psychically vulnerable to President Carter’s wandering spirit. He can enter minds and infect them with thoughts of solar panels. To prevent this you can make or buy a specially designed net to ensnare his ghost, and it’s also a piece of art that brings both protection and beauty.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 07/09/2026
Ant Farm Teaches Children About Toil, Death theonion.com/ant-farm-teaches-child…
Ant Farm Teaches Children About Toil, Death
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The Onion @theonion.com · 05/09/2026
Man Wakes From Coma With Ability To Understand Health Insurance Policy theonion.com/man-wakes-from-coma-wi…
Man Wakes From Coma With Ability To Understand Health Insurance Policy
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Carl Quintanilla @carlquintanilla.bsky.social · 03/09/2026
WSJ, with an ice-cold graphic: @wsj.com
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The Onion @theonion.com · 01/09/2026
Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New ‘Philadelphia Eagles’–Themed Jerseys theonion.com/jets-hope-to-sell-more…
Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New ‘Philadelphia Eagles’–Themed Jerseys
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
Gobbledygook
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The Onion @theonion.com · 17/08/2026
Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets theonion.com/crying-newborn-has-no-…
Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets
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The Onion @theonion.com · 18/08/2026
Observers told reporters the shrieking baby was clearly oblivious to the fact that any distress she experienced in exiting her mother’s womb would pale in comparison to the fucking decades of tedium, misfortune, and humiliation yet to come.
theonion.com
Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets
MEDFORD, OR—Saying the infant really ought to save her tears for the real shit that’s headed her way, sources familiar with crying newborn Sophia Whitfield confirmed Monday that she had no idea how mu...
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Olúfẹ́mi O. Táíwò @olufemiotaiwo.bsky.social · 16/08/2026
Plenty to reflect about re: the Arday affair, but I'm going to repeat this one thing. The playbook the right used here is effective even though it's not especially sophisticated, as it relies on the audience to do the dirty work. I've been calling it "Trojan horse propaganda", let's go with that. 1/
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Credentials, Dan @dancredentials.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
Me, nodding knowingly: The beaks.
Headline of paleontology news article: Crocodiles can't fly. Birds can. Scientists have finally figured out why
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 15/08/2026
Wait until he finds out I already declared it my territory last weekend. You snooze you lose sucker.
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Crow @abbyjane.cloverdalelane.com · 14/08/2026
I think about this a lot.
Tim Henke
@TimHenke9
eat shit, René Magritte
Translate Tweet
Mauv @ThatsMauvelous • 1d the machine refused to recognize my humanity until i professed to believe that a sign painted to look like a traffic light is indeed a traffic light.
Show this thread
Select all squares with traffic lights
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The Onion @theonion.com · 14/08/2026
No One Translated To Foreign Players Why They Currently In Cornfield
No One Translated To Foreign Players Why They Currently In Cornfield
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 08/08/2026
Every instinct tells me to agree with him. However, only a deal with Satan himself can explain looking that good at his age. Trust no one.
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Mrs. Betty Bowers @mrsbettybowers.bsky.social · 05/08/2026
How come Mitch McConnell is still getting paid to be a senator, but Lindsey Graham, John McCain, and Ted Kennedy are not?
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Mrs. Betty Bowers @mrsbettybowers.bsky.social · 03/08/2026
The only time Trump played a golf tournament where he couldn't cheat, the American Century Celebrity Tournament in 2006 at Edgewood Tahoe Golf Course in Stateline, Nevada., he shot 52 over par in 3 rounds and finished in 62nd place out of 80 celebrities.
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Ron Filipkowski @ronfilipkowski.bsky.social · 04/08/2026
43-time Club Champion.
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
I don’t know that my town even has the one horse.
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Digital Brain @yourdigitalbrain.bsky.social · 28/07/2026
RobertAnthony Cruz just pulled off a backflip catch for the Savannah Bananas, proof that Banana Ball blends circus training with real baseball skill.
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I support Somali-Americans @adamrothman.bsky.social · 19/07/2026
I'm not posting Odyssey memes because one must be wary of GIFs bearing Greeks.
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NY Times Pitchbot @nytpitchbot.bsky.social · 19/07/2026
Donald Trump is manipulating the stock market with Truth Social posts, alerting his family and allies in advance, and now is selling Wall Street traders their own advanced access. But Nancy Pelosi's husband bought and sold stocks while she was Speaker. Democrats would be wise to sit this one out.
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Patrick Cosmos @veryimportant.lawyer · 16/07/2026
every time trump is president you gotta wash your groceries
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The Onion @theonion.com · 02/07/2026
‘Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile’ Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens bit.ly/4eTxZ8V
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 30/06/2026
Dem city mayors, especially in red states, should make Election Day a city holiday. Push hard on GOTV campaigns and get the same day vote up in advance of this fight. Make losing the early vote and vote by mail something devastating for Republicans. This nonsense would just go away.
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The Onion @theonion.com · 21/06/2026
Ninja Parade Slips By Town Unnoticed Once Again
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Gress @gresshopper.bsky.social · 19/06/2026
@timmiller.bsky.social open.spotify.com/track/6IfX0F...
open.spotify.com
Make America Fuk Again
Johnny Blue Skies · Mutiny After Midnight (Extended Edition) · Song · 2026
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Rav BOO!dram 🎃👻 @rvbdrm.com · 14/06/2026
New Yorkers singing Empire State of Mind
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Matt Baume 🏳️‍🌈 @mattbaume.bsky.social · 10/06/2026
Happy Pride to this Caravaggio self-portrait that made one man so gay he had to go to the hospital
Caravaggio's Baccus painting, featuring a lush fruity spread and leaves bedecking a pasty twink who only works out his armsArticle screenshot that says:

The most extreme examples of
Stendhal syndrome share a sensation of
self-fragmentation. Magherini
describes the case of a 53-year-old
German man who was hospitalized
after repeatedly viewing Caravaggio's
Bacchus at Uffizi Gallery. The patient
felt "an attraction closer and closer to
an intimate sexual arousal of
ambiguous nature that invaded him
and made him feel good and bad."
Unmoored and distressed, he sought
medical attention. After treating the
subject's initial episode, Magherini
writes that he came to recognize his
latent homosexuality. Another case...
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Wajahat Ali @wajali.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
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Asawin Suebsaeng @swin24.bsky.social · 24/05/2026
Imagine missing your own son’s wedding so you could go surrender to Iran
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