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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division

@dadbaud.cocktailcon.org
298 followers 266 following 1.5K posts

Broken action figure InfoSec in the streets, regex in the sheets CocktailCon co-founder He/him

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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 02/10/2026
26 years ago, the love of my life and I ran off to Ireland and said a series of "I do" and "I will" in front of a few members of our family and friends (okay, and the Catholic Church). I still don't know what she was thinking, but I'm glad she chose that day to make so many bad decisions.
A smokin' hot babe and a dumpy middle-aged man hugging each other on a cloudy day in front of a church in Doolin, County Clare, Ireland.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 28/08/2026
Missing all of you for @ctrlaltfu.bsky.social's birthday cruise with our friends at 3 Dots & a Dash! @cillic.bsky.social @soitwent.bsky.social & :Blake:
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 09/08/2026
DEF CON is coming to a close and I hope to see you all next year!
Merch is Closed sign in front of an empty warehouse
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 08/08/2026
@cillic.bsky.social and I are prowling the halls. Feel free to say hi or run the other way.
Two very middle-aged hackers trying to look hardcore whilst sweating profusely.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 04/08/2026
If you're in Vegas, find someone with a car and just take a few hours out of the city. This is about 20 minutes away from the Strip #HackerSummerCamp #DefCon34 #BSidesLV
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 04/08/2026
Welp, it's started. 2 Goons, 1 Bowl. #DEFCON34 #GoldenTiki
Two DefCon Goons drinking a mystery tiki drink from a fish bowl.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 30/07/2026
DEF CON may be cancelled, but CocktailCon is not. VERY limited availability again this year. See @cillic.bsky.social or me for details. Also available from authorized CocktailCon representatives. Be over 21, do cool shit, you may get a prize. #CocktailCon #DEFCON34 #BSidesLV #BlackHatUSA
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 11/07/2026
Don't forget to get your free Slurpee today!
A small Slurpee lounging sensually on a very fancy bike saddle.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 04/07/2026
Good thinking...
Giant fucking tomahawk steak sitting in a dry rub.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 08/06/2026
Yo friends! If you're in Vegas for one of the dozen conferences this week and want to hang, let me know!
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 31/05/2026
Broke the 100k mark this morning and want to eat all the things! #HackerFit
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 14/05/2026
If he looks like a Nazi, talks like a Nazi, and acts like a Nazi, then he's pretty much guaranteed to be a...?
Shown is a photo of the Secret Policeman's Ball where the actors are dressed like Nazi soldiers. Elongated Muskrat's face has been poorly MS Paint-ed on one of the actors, but it terrifyingly looks perfectly in character.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 04/05/2026
I thought we all agreed that fucking kids is bad.... I guess this is the car for you if you disagree.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 03/04/2026
FYI, "Anal Birth Hippo" isn't a euphamism for anything else. It's a real thing... propstoreauction.com/lot-details/...
Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura, Pet Detective emerging partially nude from the hindquarters of an animitronic bull rhinocerous. If you can't see the image, that's honestly for the best. It... well it's kinda disturbing, especially since this scene was filmed with no CG, it really is a greased-up Jim Carrey emerging from the elastic anus of a fake rhino.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 31/03/2026
Ohio is trying to pass HB249 (link incl) that would make it illegal to display a different gender identity than your biological sex, including clothing. Who's going to tell them that high heels and stockings are actually men's clothing? search-prod.lis.state.oh.us/api/v2/gener...
An image of a well-dressed man wearing hose and buckled heels, common for nobility in the 16th through 18th century.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 25/03/2026
Yes. Another sunset cruise. Don't worry, I'll soon return to my regular programming of doom and ennui.
Very slightly tipsy middle-aged Asian (okay, PI) dude taking a selfie on a boat with the sun setting behind him. Really, I think this would be much better with a pina colada and a bunch of monkeys, but I'm just the copywriter and this guy doesn't pay enough to Photoshop those in.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 22/03/2026
Love coming home to the beautiful place
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 18/03/2026
Hey San Francisco, thanks for greeting me with SoCal vibes!
A partial view of the San Francisco skyline with Southern California weather.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 15/03/2026
Oh, what's that? World Cup ticket and hotel sales are dismal? Huh. Even before the current shitshow, people are terrified of US cities. ex:Marseille, the most dangerous city in Europe, is safer than Omaha....
This image shows crime statistics, sorted by homicides per 100,000 people. Marseille, FR, the most crime-ridden city in the EU is in the middle. Above it are "safe American cities" like Charleston, SC, Salt Lake City, UT, and Omaha, NB.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 02/03/2026
Jared Leto OH, I thought you were looking for the most awful actor possible!
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 02/03/2026
Is that... an SU-17??? [insert gif of Indiana Jones yelling, "that belongs in a museum"]
This video shows precision-guided ordinance destroying a vintage SU-17 fighter-bomber, sitting open on a tarmac with absolutely no protection whatsoever. The SU-17 was produced in the 1970s and would be considered inferior to most Gen3 fighters of the time. For example, 2 badly-maintained Iranian F-14s shot down 21 Iraqi SU-17s during the Iran-Iraq War. 18 were shot down by F-4s during the same war. Against the Gen4 F-15, several were shot down by the US during the Wars For Oil without the SU-17 pilots even knowing the US forces had radar locks on them.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 27/02/2026
Are you fucking kidding me, Friday? #chicagoWeather
The weekend forecast for Chicago, which shows current Friday weather as 62F, sunny and breezy. THEN comes FUCKING Saturday and Sunday, with 30-35F and cloudy.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 26/12/2025
Well, this is a new take on "asshole sunning"....
Not fucking kidding, some dood tanning his gooch, full hog, on a recliner in a desert-landscaped backyard pool deck. Of, fucking, course he's wearing a ballcap and sunglasses.

Fortunately for all of us, there's a sticker stratgically placed so we don't need to see what kind of sunburn he has on his very-likely-shaved-and -razor-burned junk.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 20/12/2025
This photo. THAT look on Joshua's face says, "This ain't business. This, right here, is what you do to Nazis."
Anthony Joshua, with a Cheshire Grin on his face, moments before he breaks Jake Paul's (an actual Nazi) jaw in two places. In the very corner of the phote, Jake Paul (remember, and actual Nazi) has a look of fear in his eyes. He knows this is coming, but he doesn't even have the strength left to clench his jaws for the inevitable Right Fist of Judgement.  Incidentally, this is what happens when one of the fighters makes his career by fighting retired or crippled boxers and the other, while on a downward arc, still has a year or two left in his hands.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 19/12/2025
DaFuq Microsoft? Did you poach your new logo designers from Fisher-Price? This has a whole, "the Excel workbook says, 'mehhhhh,'" to it.
New Microsoft Office icons looking suspiciously like they were created to appeal to toddlers.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 29/10/2025
Seemed topical:
Pippin with Merriweather saying, "It's time for another cloud."

Aragorn replying, "I already replicate between AWS and Azure!"

Pippn responding, "Multi-cloud, yes. But have you heard of multi-multi-cloud?"
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 17/10/2025
So I watched Grave of the Fireflies....
Graphic of the movie Totoro with the caption, "According to science, watching Studio Ghibli films really does make you happier - and when you find out why, you just w..."
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 29/09/2025
PTO. So it begins.
Super hot witchy chick drinking wine with a dumpy middle aged Asian man. So bougie that he's drinking Champagne.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 06/09/2025
Whelp. Looks like @muteki.bsky.social and I are in horny jail. Again.
Two incredibly sexy people posing for a selfie at a bar covered in cow horns. The bar is covered in cow horns, not the people. Don't be weird.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 03/09/2025
You're having a dinner party with characters from Star Trek. What four are you inviting?
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 05/08/2025
Away mission update: the local authorities allowed me on their air conveyance vehicle. I'm traveling to a city called "Lost Wages". Funny to think that this culture is still stuck on the concept of currency.
Pan-Pacific man with impeccable superhero hair, wearing headphones and sitting on a plane.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 05/08/2025
On my way to Vegas. BH, DC, or ST-LV? Yes! Thanks to @daemonobserver.bsky.social for the outfitting!
A disembodied leg with black slacks and Star Trek: Strange New Worlds boots in the foreground. Lots of cat hair.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 04/08/2025
As always, I choose violence. Malört: IATA Edition. Get ready, @cocktailcon.org
Malort: IATA Edition. Cilantro-infused Malort for those who enjoy Malort.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 07/07/2025
The sheer number of cute cat stickers on this car is amazing.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 03/07/2025
This is how I command a starship.
Zapp Brannigan, General Major Webelo, and captain of the Earth ship Nimbus, lounging sexily on his command chair while his adjunct, Lieutenant Kif Kroker sits at the karaoke control station, ready to spool up the next Wayne Newton song.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 03/06/2025
I asked our AI to generate an image of people throwing up arms and now you have to see it, too:
An AI-generated "photo" of people holding up their arms (including one person with apparently three arms). Except they are also vomiting arms, a few of which appear to have melted into other arms.

Oh yeah, they all seem very happy and eager to throw up their arms.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 22/05/2025
I thought that was just the pith. Apparently not. #fontsMatter
Bag of gummy fruit that says, "Peelerz Gummy orange" but really really looks like, "Peelerz Cummy orange"
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 28/04/2025
Share a bad guy from the '80s:
Clancy Brown as The Kurgan in Highlander.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 17/04/2025
Holy shit, the rabbit union doesn't fuck around...
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 14/04/2025
This is what you get for $15. Shrimp, tilapia, chicken, and steak with house-made tortillas. You bet your sweet ass I'm going to eat the whole thing with another beer while Mexican soccer plays in the background.
Mixed platter dinner with roasted onions, peppers, shrimp, tilapia, chicken, and steak. Accompanied by refried beans, Spanish rice, various salsas, and house-made tortillas.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 14/04/2025
I do cocktails a lot, but after a long day of working in the garage (holy shit did I accumulate a lot of "stuff" over the last 20 years!), a couple of beers and tacos at the local Mexican restaurant is what's needed.
An ice-cold bottle of Modelo Negra with a lime wedge in it. You should totally have one, too!
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 05/04/2025
Gonna tell my kids this was PancakeCon.
Lots of hackers. Food. Tiki drinks. Mead.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 05/04/2025
And when I say, "you know what, I didn't even watch cable anymore" I ask to chat with an agent and instead you say you're going to call me. FWIW, I forwarded the phone and this was 6 hours ago....
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 05/04/2025
Hey @xfinitysupport.bsky.social probably the reason you can't call me is that I'm trying to let you know my voice service doesn't work, but you keep saying everything's fine....
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 03/04/2025
Yes, Google Ads, between my morning scrolling of bike news and "holy shit these terrible things happened in the last 8 hours", I really need nipple covers. Wait... are you monitoring my dreams?!
An ad for nipple shields sandwiched between bike industry and political news.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 25/03/2025
When you suddenly realize you sent dick pics to your mother-in-law.... Because she sent tiddy pics back.
Kash Patel looking like Kash Patel.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 25/01/2025
I saw this on Insta today and I'm here to tell you that it is 100% wrong. There are whole Reddits and TikTok and even LinkedIn groups devoted to shaming people getting into "their lane". People at the top like to pretend there's no space at the table. There always is. Just use your elbows.
Instagram post saying:

An athlete won't judge you for working out.
A millionaire won't judge you for starting a business.
A musician won't judge you for trying to sing a song.
It's always the people going nowhere that have something to say.

Followed by a note by the re-poster:
Read that last sentence again.
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 22/01/2025
Oh, hey. In case you missed it, by Executive Order, everyone in the US is now female. Everyone.
Executive Order: DEFENDING WOMEN FROM GENDER IDEOLOGY EXTREMISM AND RESTORING BIOLOGICAL TRUTH TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

Let me honest, here, you don't want to read it. It's just another example of cruel and stupid from the far right.

If you do really need to read it, though, here's the link:

https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/01/defending-women-from-gender-ideology-extremism-and-restoring-biological-truth-to-the-federal-government/
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 21/01/2025
This is brilliant. I plan on just putting the whole project in Jira and asking for it to be "pure Agile".
A long post from Mastadon by hex@kolektiva.social:

Hey fellow tech folks. We might get asked to do something terrible. I'd like to start a bit of an open discussion about how to deal with such requests.

The first thing I might recommend is enthusiastically agree to do whatever it is then forget about it and do something else. If asked about it in the future, pretend this is the first you've heard about it. Play as dumb as you can for as long as you can. 

Now, if you can't get away with delaying by not doing anything anymore then find the absolute most complicated way to do whatever it is. This is actually a great time to use an LLM. Have an LLM write all your code then just run it. Ask the LLM to fix anything that's broken. Take some extra steps to force downgrade or upgrade libraries to incompatible versions. Write all of your own interfaces by hand. Write your own date parsing library. Write all of your own SQL without any abstractions. Add an LLM in the middle some how. Use libraries that haven't been supported for 15 years. Ever want to write code in Python 2.0? Now's your chance! Debug everything with Wireshark, no matter what it is. I bet there's a VB script library to do what you need to do, and if you can just write a C wrapper around that it'll interface perfectly with perl, as soon as you can get that old FoxPro program running in wine. I bet it would be easier without that commit hook that changes every zero to a capital letter O. "I'm getting the craziest error. It works on my system!"

There are a million ways to make things insanely complicated, and most of us have seen people legitimately do these things out of pure incompetence.

Now, if you end up against the wall and think you might get fired package everything up and hand it off to someone else, but make sure you make it clear that you're almost done and it should be super easy to finish. Leave behind some fun puzzles for the next person to figure out.

"How strange...the output changes when I …
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Johnnie: Shield of 'Murica - Malört Division @dadbaud.cocktailcon.org · 29/11/2024
It's now blatantly apparent that Wisconsin is keeping the best stuff for themselves....
News headline stating, "Wisconsin bar shut down after chickens and cocaine found inside".
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