mcsweeneys.net
We Must Create the Shit Machine
For as long as humans have created SHIT with our BODIES AND BUTTS, we have been asking this FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION: What if there were a COMPUTER that could ALSO SHIT?
It was this IRONCLAD CERTAINTY about people UNIVERSALLY WANTING MACHINE-GENERATED SHIT that drove us to create THE SHIT MACHINE, the machine that RAINS SHIT.
The way this TRANSFORMATIONAL AND FOUL-SMELLING TECHNOLOGY WORKS is by taking shit particles and BLASTING THEM INTO RAIN CLOUDS, and then SOME STUFF HAPPENS that we ASSUME IS COOL AND SCIENCE BUT ACTUALLY CAN’T EXPLAIN, and then those clouds aggregate a bunch of the airborne shit particles into COHERENT-SEEMING PIECES OF SHIT that are ALL-NEW and NOT JUST THE OLD SHIT REASSEMBLED BUT FASTER.
The miraculous Shit-Raining Machine, from which there will be NO HOPE OF RELIEF, promises to unlock PREVIOUSLY UNIMAGINABLE AND CURRENTLY VAGUE BENEFITS FOR HUMANKIND, such as:
* Business things
* Other stuff
* WE MUST CREATE IT
Could the Shit Machine END WORLD HUNGER? It’s NOT IMPOSSIBLE in the most LITERAL SENSE, which is all the justification we need to invest an AMOUNT OF MONEY that would OTHERWISE BY ITSELF END ACTUAL WORLD HUNGER.
Could it CURE CANCER? We DON’T KNOW, which is the same as: YES.
Could it SOLVE GLOBAL WARMING? If the Shit Machine can SHIT OUT something as COMPLEX as “NOT BURNING STUFF,” then ALMOST DEFINITELY.
I asked everyone I know at the BIG TECH HUMAN CENTIPEDE ROUNDTABLE, and we all agreed that UNCONTROLLABLE SHIT-RAIN IS USEFUL AND GREAT, and that EVERYONE WANTS IT. Also, that it was IN RETROSPECT A GREAT IDEA TO PUT EVERYTHING ON COMPUTERS.
To help humans adjust to the NEW REALITY that is about to be ushered in by the UNQUESTIONING AND UNIVERSAL ADOPTION OF THE SHIT MACHINE, we will also be creating an APP that will allow you to POINT YOUR PHONE at the SHIT from the SHIT MACHINE, and this APP will tell you “THAT’S SHIT,” if it’s SHIT.
NOTE: Even if it’s NOT SHIT, the app MIGHT STILL TELL YOU IT’S SHIT.
We have not been this EXCITED about SHIT-BASED TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS since the advent of the SHITAVERSE, which we all LOVED and DEFINITELY NEEDED and CONTINUE NOT TO BE ABLE TO GET ENOUGH OF and should NEVER SPEAK ANOTHER WORD OF AGAIN.
CHINA MUST NOT OBTAIN THE SHIT MACHINE.
Because we are RESPONSIBLE STEWARDS OF THE FUTURE OF THE HUMAN RACE, we have also created SPECIALIZED SHIT-SHIELDING UMBRELLAS, which will be necessary to prevent you from becoming COVERED IN THE SCALDING SHIT-RAIN. Please note that the SHITBRELLA, which is the only umbrella perfectly formulated to withstand the Shit Machine’s MERCILESS AND UNENDING DELUGE OF FIRESHIT, and will be available to you for an INITIALLY REASONABLE SUBSCRIPTION FEE, only works up to a certain degree and cannot for example protect you against an ONRUSHING RIVER OF BLAZING SHIT, which will also be HAPPENING FOR SOME REASON, all of which is DISCLAIMED AT LENGTH in the Shitbrella’s TERMS OF SERVICE.
To stop the WALL OF SHIT LAVA from WRECKING YOUR HOUSE AND BICYCLE, you will actually need to purchase the SHIT DAM, which is SOLD SEPARATELY, and which we are WORKING SEMI-FEVERISHLY TO CREATE from our NEW ZEALAND BUNKER.
ALL HAIL THE SHIT DAM.
Lest you think we intend to create this HELLSCAPE OF SHIT without any input from THE EVERYDAY HUMANS who might be affected by our BUBBLING SHIT CAULDRON FUTURE, please TAKE HEART. You will all play A CRUCIAL ROLE in the INEVITABLE CLEANUP.
