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the apple guy™

@wackhumanbeing.bsky.social
177 followers 158 following 354 posts

central new jersey exists and i know because i was born there. librarian, but with food instead of books. knick knack store enthusiast. BLM/ACAB. he/him.

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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 25/09/2026
congratulations on achieving the highest honor in the field of Wackhumanbeing’s Telephone Studies (entry in the note where i keep random bits of found language to use as trivia team names)
list of potential future trivia team names from my notes app. i just added “unknown woman on the water treatment plant tour” to the list
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 24/09/2026
time for him to earn the "Iron Chef" nickname
ESPN player page header for JC French IV, Cincinnati Beacats Quarterback
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 17/09/2026
this is 35, maybe 40 goals worth of salad
carolina hurricanes forward jackson blake having his picture taken at media day with significantly longer blond hair than he had last year
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 28/08/2026
Here's a silly little thing I do as a fun exercise at the start of every college football season. Presenting the 2026 All-Heirloom Team.
The 2026 FBS All-Heirloom Team (The College Football Players Whose Nmaes Sound The Most Like Old-Timey Apple Varieties)2026 All-Heirloom Team Offense:
QB: Arrington Maiden (James Madison)
RB: Savion Red (Sacramento State)
WR: Major Pride (UCLA)
WR: Roman Mothershed (LSU)
WR: Prince Jean (Kentucky)
TE: Gray Maultsby (Miami Ohio)
OT: King Large (Missouri State)
OG: Willie Goodacre (North Texas)
C: Ashton Funk (Texas A&M)
OG: Jimmy Walls (Sam Houston State)
OT: August Weight (Akron)2026 All-Heirloom Team Defense
DE: James Early (Cincinnati)
DT: Leonard Sharp (Toledo)
DT: Titan Davis (Michigan)
DE: Emerson Joy (West Virginia)
LB: Blanche Gold (UAB)
LB: Royal Weber (Missouri State)
LB: Langston Long (Toledo)
CB: Jeremiah Favorite (Michigan State)
S: Red Morgan (Alabama)
S: Marquis Raspberry (Oregon State)
CB: Rodrick Pleasant (UCLA)2026 All-Heirloom Team Special Teams
K: Colton Boomer (Boise State)
P: Anderson Green (Alabama)
LS: Deed Capper (Virginia Tech)
KR: Ben Black (Rutgers)
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 21/08/2026
cody campbell walking on the texas tech football sideline, with the text bubble that says "Good morning I'm bored at work. And I am thinking of a bill" from victoria's previous post copy-pasted in.
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 09/08/2026
Top Four Loud Bird Noises That Land Like A Trumpet On The Ear From The Yard Of A Wealthy Man (No Debate)
mount rushmore but the letters "degeeeee", "tegoooooo", "tekaaaaaa", and "yakaa" have been superimposed over the presidents' faces
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 09/08/2026
meme of squidward sullenly looking out the window where spongebob and patrick having fun are "the good brand and everyone else watching college football" and squidward is "me, technically excluded because i'm watching """the 33rd nfl team""""
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
the owner’s wearing khaki pants and they need piss now 🗣️🎶 call J H Pisspants 📞877-PISS-NOW
some opera singers from the jg wentworth commercial but for the sake of this post imagine they’re singing about 76ers owner josh harris pissing his khakis on stage with reckless abandon
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 06/08/2026
i think we can all agree it's a very normal point total earned by a very normal team with a very normal formation
centurions.futi.live team that earned 112 point despite playing a 4-2-2-2 formation, mostly off the strength of having 2018-19 david luiz next to 2021-22 joel matip with 2016-17 kevin de bruyne in attacking midfield
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 25/07/2026
has she considered
kermit the frog dripped out in a tan tweed (?) suit with a brown sweater
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 09/07/2026
this is what i mean when i say i’m in the pocket of special interest
menu section called “Special Interest” that has lamb rogan josh in it
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 25/06/2026
heartbreaking news: all of my coworkers have heard me use the joke "[points at the cover of this book] this is what they say when they see me in the streets" and now i need to develop an actual personality
the cover of the novel "tom's crossing" by mark z. danielewski
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 21/06/2026
got a great feeling about tonight’s Balcony Report™️
an empty stage with the backdrop of the promotional material for comedy bang bang’s ground beefing tour 2026
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 14/06/2026
variation of the "gotta be one of my favorite genders" meme with the following text:
shout out to hidratación fr
gotta be one of my favorite pausas
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 03/06/2026
saw john salmons come up and said "this is the run"
82-0.com lineup with a projected record of 41-41
PG: D'Angelo Russell BKN 2010s
SG: Danny Ainge BOS 1980s
SF: John Salmons MIL 2010s
PF: Jeremy Sochan SAS 2020s
C: Bob Rule PHI 1970s
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 25/05/2026
if you fall asleep during nascar this is the hat man you see
richard petty wearing one of his big ass cowboy hats
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 24/05/2026
been trying to figure out who cole caufield looks like and i finally got it
tim key's character "reserve face" from set 5 game 11 of "no more jockeys". tim is wearing a blond wig and has a pair of sunglasses resting on top of his lips, creating an effect of a short and noseless face.
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 14/05/2026
if little joe is 33 this is basically aaron rodgers to the jets
Gorilla life expectancy (from The Gorilla Organization website)

The average gorilla life expectancy in the wild is between 35-40 years. Female gorillas leave their group at maturity to join other groups or single males.
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 02/05/2026
["livin on a prayer" voice] woooooah, we're halfway there, WOOOOAH, OH,
basketball reference info page for skal labissière
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 23/04/2026
realized i'd never done an heirloom apple-themed #charitibundibowl donation. the timing works out since they rediscovered one of the most wanted lost varieties a couple weeks ago. and hell, why not throw in Pixelated Spencer™ over a bunch of Spencer Seedless apples @newap-georgia.bsky.social
Facebook post by Montezuma Orchard Restoration Project at 7:13PM on April 7th, 2026

FOUND! The lost Walbridge! For over a decade, the once popular Walbridge was one of Montezuma Orchard Restoration Project’s most WANTED ALIVE lost apples. Turns out, we had it almost the entire time, thanks to two trees we discovered 10 years ago at the Western Museum of Mining and Industry near Colorado Springs. Since then, its historical name remained a mystery, so we referred to it as the “baby blue group” to help inventory these unknown apple trees that genetically matched to each other. 
Over the years, an increasing number of "baby blue" apple trees were discovered by MORP and the Ark Valley Fruit Tree Network in Colorado, along with additional finds by others in New Mexico, Utah, and Washington, indicating that this mysterious apple variety was once cultivated extensively throughout the West. Through collaborative efforts with apple enthusiasts nationwide, the “baby blue” apple has recently been identified by the Historic Fruit Tree Working Group of North America as the long-lost Walbridge.Close-up image of the Walbridge appleDonation dedication message for a &77.69 Charity Bowl donation to Protect Trans Kids University

1818: Walbridge apple originated
1909: Walbridge apple last seen at Montezuma County Fair
2016: Montezuma Orchard Restoration Project discovers "Baby Blue Group" trees
2026: Baby Blue group IDed as the Walbridge apple
$18.18+$19.09+$20.16+$20.26=$77.69The famous Pixelated Spencer Hall picture superimposed over an overhead view of fruit samples and cross sections of the Spencer Seedless apple
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 20/04/2026
donating with hope for a brighter future* while thinking back on better times *offer of "brighter future" not applicable to UNC football @newap-georgia.bsky.social
Drive information for the first two drives of the season-opening UNC-TCU football game from the 2025 season

UNC TOUCHDOWN
7 plays, 83 yards, 4:05

TCU PUNT
4 plays, 15 yards, 2:01Charity Bowl donation for $60.60 to New American Pathways on behalf of UNC

Dedication message: "In honor of the 6 minutes and 6 seconds of game time in which I tricked myself into thinking hiring Bill Belichick wasn't a mistake."
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 19/03/2026
my time has arrived
a collection of heirloom apples exhibited at century farm orchards in altamahaw, noa sew-on patch with a bitten apple and the text “apple appreciation”picture of a grimes golden apple with the image macro text “post grimes golden when they least expect it” appliedan anthropomorphic cartoon apple dabbing
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 18/03/2026
new @shutdownfullcast.bsky.social URL just dropped
wikipedia article headline for “scott frost (horse)”
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 18/02/2026
can't help but think this screenshot will come in handy for A Certain Type Of Post in the future
the guy from tiktok that people call "new zealand" asking "how does it stand up like that?" which in the original context refers to the texture of blue bell ice cream but could be used to suggest uhhhhh some other stuff
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 18/02/2026
i'll level with y'all. whenever i hear "tage thompson", my brain mostly hears this
tayne, a character played by paul rudd in the "celery man" sketch from tim and eric awesome show great job
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 31/01/2026
for fastest fruit i propose the finger lime, if only because they're so often staged in photographs to look like they're blasting off
two finger limes, with one cut in half to reveal the juice vesicles and seedsthree finger limes of different colors cut in half with juice vesicles spilling out of them
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 25/01/2026
charlie tuna, which is who puka nacua looks like in his silly little pregame outfit
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 23/01/2026
let the record show that tate is also not beating the “electric karaoke performer” allegations
my pal tate performing “waterfalls” by tlc at karaoke night
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 11/01/2026
happy birthday to @thetate.bsky.social here is a picture of the two of us discussing stuart little
aristotle and plato detail from the school of athens by raphael
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 13/12/2025
"order for mike? ...mike? mike macdonald, your order is ready!"
a tray of barbecue chicken with side dishes
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 12/12/2025
despite being the newest full-time librarian on staff my “best of 2025” picks are at the top of the list, which has done wonders for my pro- @raxkingisdead.bsky.social and @dirtbagqueer.rocks agenda.
staff list on a library catalog website entitled “our favorite things 2025”, prominently featuring thumbnails of the covers for “sloppy” by rax king and “one of the boys” by victoria zeller
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 23/11/2025
Extreme close up of Jerry Jones, in jarring and confusing pink-orange lighting, pursing his lips in frustration after the Eagles scored to put the Cowboys behind by three touchdowns. Lol. Lmao, even.
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 23/11/2025
usually this is the only 6/8 they acknowledge at north texas
A treble clef with a 6/8 time signature
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 22/11/2025
you're an absolute menace for posting this at the end of my first week as a full-time librarian
Message to Mateo, whose wish I honored through One Simple Wish.
"Hi Mateo! I hope this Chromebook helps you learn a lot, have a lot of fun, and grow up to do incredible things. I'll be rooting for you."
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 20/11/2025
i know a pokémon with the correct color scheme whose name describes the rockies’ performance in most years
The pokémon Gastly
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 15/11/2025
Kombucha Girl Meme No: one million Janets
Kombucha Girl Meme Yes: one million D'Arcy Cardens
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 08/11/2025
ten win diana
A two by five tiled image with all ten images being Princess Diana running, and apparently winning, a footrace against two other women. That is to say, Ten Win Diana, suggesting #10Windiana.
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 21/10/2025
these days most athletes don't even have one good nickname and earl had, at minimum, four or five absolute heaters
Title section of Earl Monroe's basketballreference page, which lists him as having the following nicknames: The Pearl, Black Jesus, Black Magic, Einstein, The Lord’s Prayer, Thomas Edison, The Magic Man
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 16/10/2025
women love the vehicle
Richard Scarry's Lowly Worm riding in his signature apple car.
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 10/10/2025
fuckin zapped his ass
Quote from the article Spencer linked to in the original tweet, with a section highlighted to emphasize how brutal it is towards Mike Lombardi.

"“It’s the arrogance of it all,” a university source told The Athletic. “Because they had success in the NFL — [highlight starts here] and by they, I mean Belichick only [highlight ends here] — they (thought) they could come in and replicate that without knowing how college football works.”
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 19/09/2025
proud to work for a public library that purchased this book on my behalf, and i can’t wait to see it circulate now that i’ve finished it. charming, affecting, honest-to-god funny, and easily the best depiction of group chats i’ve seen in a work of fiction. bravo @dirtbagqueer.rocks
A copy of the book “One of the Boys” by Victoria Zeller, which I just finished reading.
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 29/08/2025
here are four extremely normal and reasonable texts i’ve sent about tottenham hotspur football club this week
text message reading “on a completely different note here is my tottenham commentary from the weekend: i am literally never going to die”text message reading: “talked to peter at trivia last night and we both agreed that we are impervious to guns and blades”text message reading:”i am one of the lord’s favored soldiers and my body and soul are protected by the mandate of heaven in perpetuity”text message reading: “waking up to djed first england call up, simons here we go, and mourinho sacked…. i am going to live to be 4000 years old”
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 23/08/2025
Here's the entire 2025 All-Heirloom Team in one extremely elegant screenshot. Congratulations to this year's honorees.
A screenshot of a table containing the positions, names, schools, heights, weights, and academic year of the All-Heirloom team members listed earlier in this thread.
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 23/08/2025
I've dabbled with this concept before, mostly going in the opposite direction. For instance, I once created a depth chart of Southern heirloom apple names that sound like college football player names.
Depth chart of southern apple variety names that I think sound like college football player names. In order:
Wide Receiver: Davidson Sweeting
Tight End: Haywood June
Left Tackle: Turley Winesap
Left Guard: Joe Little
Center: Holland Pippin
Right Guard: Munson Sweet
Right Tackle: Tompkins King
Wide Receiver: Terry Winter
Quarterback: Cannon Pearmain
Fullback: Hayes Green
Halfback: Ben Davis
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 20/08/2025
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 18/08/2025
so close!
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 12/08/2025
Shout out to My Own

Gotta be one of my favorite petards by which to be hoisted
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 09/07/2025
when e-40 farts @joshgondelman.bsky.social
Picture of the Croffle Cloud, a new food item at the Minnesota State Fair from Spinning Wylde.

Croissant pressed in a waffle iron and topped with fresh whipped sweet cream, a drizzle of fruit puree and a cloud of cotton candy. Choice of three flavors.
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 30/06/2025
"waka waka waka waka"-ass shoes
A Pac Man game screen where Pac Man is replaced with Solomon's bright yellow cros, and a few of the dots are replaced with Solomon's four beverages.
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the apple guy™ @wackhumanbeing.bsky.social · 27/06/2025
modest mussorgsky turning in his composition based on rax's interests
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