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The Nutmeg News

@thenutmegnews.com
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Satire, Humor, Commentary - Not Real News, Really

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Manuch @manuch.bsky.social · 15/09/2026
Tom is still writing for Nutmeg, from beyond the veil. Talk about being committed to a bit. 😘
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 15/09/2026
We often had fun with Tom Biro and are deeply sorry to hear of his passing. Rest in peace to a dedicated fan and friend.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 09/08/2026
Bruce Arena Announces New Book Titled "If I Did It" That Doesn't Really Define What The IT In The Title Actually Is www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2024...
thenutmegnews.com
Bruce Arena Announces New Book Titled "If I Did It" That Doesn't Really Define What The IT In The Title Actually Is — The Nutmeg News
San Jose, CA - New Earthquakes head coach Bruce Arena announced the release of a new book that he wrote during his VOLUNTARY sabbatical from coaching titled, “If I Did It,” that doesn’t really de...
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 09/08/2026
Bruce Arena Announces New Book Titled "If I Did It" That Doesn't Really Define What The IT In The Title Actually Is www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2024...
thenutmegnews.com
Bruce Arena Announces New Book Titled "If I Did It" That Doesn't Really Define What The IT In The Title Actually Is — The Nutmeg News
San Jose, CA - New Earthquakes head coach Bruce Arena announced the release of a new book that he wrote during his VOLUNTARY sabbatical from coaching titled, “If I Did It,” that doesn’t really de...
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 08/08/2026
Gavin Wilkinson Promises To Bring Major League Abuse Culture To San Jose Earthquakes www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
Gavin Wilkinson Promises To Bring Major League Abuse Culture To San Jose Earthquakes — The Nutmeg News
San Jose, CA - Disgraced former General Manager Gavin Wilkinson promised, during his introduction to the hand picked MLS media, to bring Major League abuse culture to the San Jose Earthquakes.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 08/08/2026
Gavin Wilkinson Promises To Bring Major League Abuse Culture To San Jose Earthquakes www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
Gavin Wilkinson Promises To Bring Major League Abuse Culture To San Jose Earthquakes — The Nutmeg News
San Jose, CA - Disgraced former General Manager Gavin Wilkinson promised, during his introduction to the hand picked MLS media, to bring Major League abuse culture to the San Jose Earthquakes.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 08/08/2026
Gavin Wilkinson Promises To Bring Major League Abuse Culture To San Jose Earthquakes www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
Gavin Wilkinson Promises To Bring Major League Abuse Culture To San Jose Earthquakes — The Nutmeg News
San Jose, CA - Disgraced former General Manager Gavin Wilkinson promised, during his introduction to the hand picked MLS media, to bring Major League abuse culture to the San Jose Earthquakes.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 05/08/2026
New MLS Commissioner Announces Plan To Implement Hydration Breaks With Commercials That Last 90 Minutes www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
New MLS Commissioner Announces Plan To Implement Hydration Breaks With Commercials That Last 90 Minutes — The Nutmeg News
LOS ANGELES - New Major League Soccer (MLS) and current Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) executive Larry Berg announced his plan to implement hydration breaks with commercials that last for 90 minutes...
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 05/08/2026
New MLS Commissioner Announces Plan To Implement Hydration Breaks With Commercials That Last 90 Minutes www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
New MLS Commissioner Announces Plan To Implement Hydration Breaks With Commercials That Last 90 Minutes — The Nutmeg News
LOS ANGELES - New Major League Soccer (MLS) and current Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) executive Larry Berg announced his plan to implement hydration breaks with commercials that last for 90 minutes...
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 30/07/2026
NWSL Announces New Streaming Deal With Online Marketplace JerryWarez420 www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
NWSL Announces New Streaming Deal With Online Marketplace JerryWarez420 — The Nutmeg News
INTERNET - In light of the failure of Victory +, the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) announced a new streaming deal with JerryWarez420 as they talked up the future of the online marketplace.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 30/07/2026
NWSL Announces New Streaming Deal With Online Marketplace JerryWarez420 www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
NWSL Announces New Streaming Deal With Online Marketplace JerryWarez420 — The Nutmeg News
INTERNET - In light of the failure of Victory +, the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) announced a new streaming deal with JerryWarez420 as they talked up the future of the online marketplace.
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Reposted by The Nutmeg News
The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 20/07/2026
Alexi Lalas Heads Back To The Internet In Order To Keep Ruining The Day Of People Who Miss The World Cup www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
Alexi Lalas Heads Back To The Internet In Order To Keep Ruining The Day Of People Who Miss The World Cup — The Nutmeg News
INTERNET - With the 2026 Men’s World Cup over, all around dumbass Alexi Lalas headed back to the Internet in order to keep ruining the day of people who missed the world cup.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 20/07/2026
Alexi Lalas Heads Back To The Internet In Order To Keep Ruining The Day Of People Who Miss The World Cup www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
Alexi Lalas Heads Back To The Internet In Order To Keep Ruining The Day Of People Who Miss The World Cup — The Nutmeg News
INTERNET - With the 2026 Men’s World Cup over, all around dumbass Alexi Lalas headed back to the Internet in order to keep ruining the day of people who missed the world cup.
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Reposted by The Nutmeg News
Morgan Hughes @morganhughes.bsky.social · 28/04/2026
Wait I thought Nutmeg News was satire?
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 28/04/2026
Austin FC Fans Start "#MoveTheCaps" Campaign www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
Austin FC Fans Start "#MoveTheCaps" Campaign — The Nutmeg News
Austin, TX - Stating, “Business metrics don’t support them staying in Vancouver,” a collection of Austin FC fans took the internet to start a #MoveTheCaps campaign.
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Jen House @jenhouse.bsky.social · 28/04/2026
media.tenor.com
a man wearing a watch is covering his mouth
ALT: a man wearing a watch is covering his mouth
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Eboni Navidad -Shirley Chisholm Fan Club @ebonic25.bsky.social · 28/04/2026
Lololol amazing 10/10
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Andrew @13ajc31cja.bsky.social · 28/04/2026
Absolutely A+ work here #crew96
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AmyLaura @amylaura76.bsky.social · 28/04/2026
media.tenor.com
ernie from sesame street is sitting at a table eating popcorn .
ALT: ernie from sesame street is sitting at a table eating popcorn .
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 28/04/2026
Austin FC Fans Start "#MoveTheCaps" Campaign www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
Austin FC Fans Start "#MoveTheCaps" Campaign — The Nutmeg News
Austin, TX - Stating, “Business metrics don’t support them staying in Vancouver,” a collection of Austin FC fans took the internet to start a #MoveTheCaps campaign.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 13/04/2026
"No New Players Until You Figure Out How To Play Better," Rants Irate Joey Saputo To Montreal Staff www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
"No New Players Until You Figure Out How To Play Better," Rants Irate Joey Saputo To Montreal Staff — The Nutmeg News
Bologna, IT - An irate Joey Saputo reportedly ranted, “No new players until you figure out how to play better,” to the Montreal Impact staff as he struck back at the, “loafing freeloaders who are not ...
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Brian @sedateinfect.bsky.social · 07/04/2026
It me.
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Reposted by The Nutmeg News
The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 07/04/2026
FIFA Prepares Fallout Foursome Funpack Ticket Offer For The Low Price of $15,000 (Without Parking) www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
FIFA Prepares Fallout Foursome Funpack Ticket Offer For The Low Price of $15,000 (Without Parking) — The Nutmeg News
INTERNET - FIFA (the international money laundering syndicate) is reportedly preparing a Fallout Foursome Funpack ticket offer for the low price of $15,000 (without parking) for one 2026 World Cup gam...
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Reposted by The Nutmeg News
Jason Davis @davisjason.bsky.social · 07/04/2026
Excited to see which former US international-turned-pundit is hawking this incredible deal!
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 07/04/2026
FIFA Prepares Fallout Foursome Funpack Ticket Offer For The Low Price of $15,000 (Without Parking) www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
FIFA Prepares Fallout Foursome Funpack Ticket Offer For The Low Price of $15,000 (Without Parking) — The Nutmeg News
INTERNET - FIFA (the international money laundering syndicate) is reportedly preparing a Fallout Foursome Funpack ticket offer for the low price of $15,000 (without parking) for one 2026 World Cup gam...
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Reposted by The Nutmeg News
The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 07/04/2026
"At Least I Wouldn't Have To Watch The Rest Of The Season," States Philadelphia Union Fan Finding The Bright Side Of Possible Nuclear Armageddon www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
"At Least I Wouldn't Have To Watch The Rest Of The Season," States Philadelphia Union Fan Finding The Bright Side Of Possible Nuclear Armageddon — The Nutmeg News
PHILADELPHIA - Union fan Ray Hewitt stated, “At least I wouldn’t have to watch the rest of the season,” as he tried to find the bright side of possible nuclear Armageddon this Tuesday.
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John Parker @johnkickback.bsky.social · 07/04/2026
I’m seen
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 07/04/2026
"At Least I Wouldn't Have To Watch The Rest Of The Season," States Philadelphia Union Fan Finding The Bright Side Of Possible Nuclear Armageddon www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
"At Least I Wouldn't Have To Watch The Rest Of The Season," States Philadelphia Union Fan Finding The Bright Side Of Possible Nuclear Armageddon — The Nutmeg News
PHILADELPHIA - Union fan Ray Hewitt stated, “At least I wouldn’t have to watch the rest of the season,” as he tried to find the bright side of possible nuclear Armageddon this Tuesday.
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A Harrison @pdxpup.bsky.social · 05/04/2026
Every long-time supporters group member who now sits in the upper supporters' group rows/sections reading this:
Matthew McConaughey aggressively taking a drag on a cigarette meme, only a hand holding a cell phone he is reading has been photoshopped into the image.
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Braedon @braejohn30.bsky.social · 05/04/2026
I'm a zoomer, and I got this reference.
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Danielle, the Teal Joker ︽✵︽ @likethe309.bsky.social · 04/04/2026
It's me, the elder fan
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Owl with a Bowtie, Certified Meal Haver @sonofcrunch.bsky.social · 05/04/2026
Grandpa’s the name
Grandpa Simpson tells the tale of the Springfield lemon tree in The Simpsons episode “Lemon of Troy.”
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Ryan Rosenblatt @ryanrosenblatt.bsky.social · 05/04/2026
I regret to confirm that I did this two weeks ago
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Regs Benedict @regarama.bsky.social · 04/04/2026
I'm in this picture and I don't like it 🫣
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Gab @gabpdx.bsky.social · 04/04/2026
I’ve been hit.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 04/04/2026
Elder NWSL Fan Drunkenly Relates The Story Of MagicJack To Spellbound Audience Of Zoomer Soccer Fans www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
Elder NWSL Fan Drunkenly Relates The Story Of MagicJack To Spellbound Audience Of Zoomer Soccer Fans — The Nutmeg News
WASHINGTON - An Elder NWSL fan was found drunkenly relating the story Of MagicJack to a spellbound audience of zoomer soccer fans as the story of Dan Borislow’s hubris began to take shape.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 03/04/2026
DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon —...
WASHINGTON - DC Soccer Fan Steve Williams stated that he wasn’t certain if the $139 CryptoBananas Unobstructed View upgrade available to purchase would clash with his $179 Coca-Cola 4D World Cup Exper...
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MoreartbyBrentAMoore @brentamoore.bsky.social · 02/04/2026
"To and from the experience” Synopsis of now till July 19.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 02/04/2026
DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon —...
WASHINGTON - DC Soccer Fan Steve Williams stated that he wasn’t certain if the $139 CryptoBananas Unobstructed View upgrade available to purchase would clash with his $179 Coca-Cola 4D World Cup Exper...
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David Beffert @dbeffert.bsky.social · 02/04/2026
I appreciate Nutmeg News waiting until April 2 to publish so that this story gets the consideration it deserves.
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 02/04/2026
DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
DC Soccer Fan UnCertain If $139 CryptoCash Unobstructed View Upgrade Will Clash With $179 Coca-Cola 4D Experience Brought To You By Hyundai At $89 A Ticket World Cup Party Brought To You By Raytheon —...
WASHINGTON - DC Soccer Fan Steve Williams stated that he wasn’t certain if the $139 CryptoBananas Unobstructed View upgrade available to purchase would clash with his $179 Coca-Cola 4D World Cup Exper...
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Reposted by The Nutmeg News
The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 01/04/2026
United States Men's National Team Announce They Will End Portugal Game After 0-2 Victory www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
United States Men's National Team Announce They Will End Portugal Game After 0-2 Victory — The Nutmeg News
Atlanta, GA - The United States Men’s National Team (USMT) announced today that they will end the Portugal game that was started on the 31st of March 2026 with a 0-2 Victory as they stated, “we’ve got...
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 01/04/2026
United States Men's National Team Announce They Will End Portugal Game After 0-2 Victory www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
United States Men's National Team Announce They Will End Portugal Game After 0-2 Victory — The Nutmeg News
Atlanta, GA - The United States Men’s National Team (USMT) announced today that they will end the Portugal game that was started on the 31st of March 2026 with a 0-2 Victory as they stated, “we’ve got...
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 24/03/2026
God Admits He Can't Focus On Helping Poor, Destitute, And Immigrant Communities Until He Finishes Coordinating 2026 World Cup Prayers By USMNT Fans www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2025...
thenutmegnews.com
God Admits He Can't Focus On Helping Poor, Destitute, And Immigrant Communities Until He Finishes Coordinating 2026 World Cup Prayers By USMNT Fans — The Nutmeg News
LOS ANGELES - God, the almighty American business god, admitted that he can’t focus on helping the poor, destitute and immigrant communities in the world until he finishes coordinating his response to...
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 23/03/2026
FIFA Hopes World Cup Spotlight Will Force United States To Resolve Human Rights Issues www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018...
thenutmegnews.com
FIFA Hopes World Cup Spotlight Will Force United States To Resolve Human Rights Issues — The Nutmeg News
Zurich, CH - After the final announcement was made regarding the destination of the 2026 World Cup, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) indicated that they hoped the World Cup...
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 22/03/2026
FIFA Awards President Trump 2026 FIFA War Prize www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
FIFA Awards President Trump 2026 FIFA War Prize — The Nutmeg News
FIFA (the international money laundering organization) announced that President Donald Trump was awarded the newly created 2026 FIFA War Prize after his air strikes, incursion and coup overnight in Ve...
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 14/03/2026
Orlando Pride Fan Still, STILL Waiting For GO90 Stream To Resume www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2018...
thenutmegnews.com
Orlando Pride Fan Still, STILL Waiting For GO90 Stream To Resume — The Nutmeg News
Tampa, FL - Earlier this year, The Nutmeg News reported on Orlando Pride fan Heather Pulaski who was waiting for the Orlando Pride v Seattle Reign stream to resume after riding out Hurricane Irma.
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David Beffert @dbeffert.bsky.social · 14/03/2026
I just learned today that something called Victory+ exists. *deep sigh*
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The Nutmeg News @thenutmegnews.com · 14/03/2026
NWSL Fan Ready To Start Another Season Of Trying To Figure Out How To Watch Games www.thenutmegnews.com/current/2026...
thenutmegnews.com
NWSL Fan Ready To Start Another Season Of Trying To Figure Out How To Watch Games — The Nutmeg News
Kansas City, KS - Current fan Jessica Williams stated that she was excited to start another season of trying to figure out how to watch games as the soccer fan ensured she was paid up on her subscript...
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soccer watcher @soccerwatcher.bsky.social · 14/03/2026
ME ATM.
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